This is kind of a follow up on my previous post about not just sitting by and waiting for things to change. While that is good it is not a plan. This is also kind of a follow up on my New Year's resolution post.
I mean it is July so probably a good time to look back at those New Year's resolutions... I set two very broad goals for myself 1) "Invest or Re-invest in friendships" and 2) "Work on transforming my mind to understand what God wants for my life."... Yep big, broad, and maybe a little idealistic goals but I am still working on them (they might be life long resolutions as I am sure I will need reminders of them over time).
However I three new goals to add to my list to get done by this time next year (if not sooner):
Finish at least the first of my novel. I feel I have spent years working on this story but I want to finally buckle down and get it out.
Find a volunteer position to invest in an on going manner.
Work on and get a handle on my budget in order to save more, pay off student loans, and invest. I would also like to be able to donate more money to causes I like.
Yeah reading that list seems pretty intense but do-able if I focus. I also feel like these 3 things will help me know better that I am doing something with my life and being of use in this world.
Okay this is a quick post but I wanted to give you, my lovely readers, an update. I thought last week seemed kind of a downer and I am not actually down at all just trying to push on and setting goal really help me.
I have had a few thoughts on my mind about this weeks "My World Monday" and I want to let you know what's going on in my life but before I start I want to say "thank you" to you guys my readers. I know I have gone back and forth on this blog from posting a lot to not posting at all. I know I have changed my mind on the focus of this blog a few times and I have probably left you wondering "what is going on in her head" so thank you for staying with me through all my transitions.
Second I want to say that as much as I love this blog... it is going through more transitions. I want this blog to feel comfortable and personal. For people who know me in real life I want this blog to sound genuine and true (I don't want this blog to be a false persona). For the people who don't know me in real life I want you to feel connected. I am trying to blog about the truths in my life from the highs to the lows and all the in between. One transition you might notice is that I am trying to set up a blogging schedule (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). I am not a professional blogger so I am sure I will miss some days but I hope you guys will stick with me. Another transition I am trying to make is getting my blog more professional (at least in looks). There a few blogs I follow closely and I would love to have more their style, but I still want this blog to be comfortable.
I don't know why but for some reason I picture a big comfy reading chair when I think about how I want this blog to feel. So I will still be posting about my faith, my obsession with period dramas, my writing, the books I am reading and other various things I enjoy. But I have added advertisement to this blog in hopes of getting a little bit of money while doing something I enjoy. There might be some other changes a long the way but as I am not a professional blogger it might come in bits and pieces.
Third, I want to say "I am sorry". I feel sometimes I hide behind my books, my stories that I am writing
and even this blog to hide what is really going on in my life and in my
heart.
I
think I hide because it is easier to share only part of the truth, the
truth I like, than to share some things that hurt me to write out. But a
blog seems safe, minus a few people I know who read my blog for the
most part my readers are anonymous. So in that way I feel I can express
myself better with you my readers than sometimes my own friends. But in
other ways I can't... I know many readers are anonymous and we will most
likely never meet but I still hold myself back because I fear
judgement. I fear that if I say to much you may not like what I say and
stop reading. I fear that if I speak out for things I believe in I will
be called a hypocrite.
I have made mistakes, I have held grudges and I admit I let
those grudge fester inside me that they have turned to hate. And I feel
like a hypocrite in that way because I claim to love God and Jesus and
the Bible talks endlessly about loving people. Yet somehow dislike and
bitterness are easier for me than love. I love my family and my friends
but the Bible says "love your neighbor as yourself" and I fail miserably
at this. So I am sorry.
My church has been doing a
series called "Forward" about the story we are moving forward with our
money, in our families and in our community. As much as I pretend on the
outside to be fine, I know with my thoughts and actions I am not moving
the Good News forward.
One thing I have noticed in both my prayer time and in this blog is I talk a lot about changing and doing things but I don't really move towards change. So I can't just sit back, I can't just hide behind my books, or my stories anymore. If I want to change things I am going to have to get going. So this will probably be the biggest transition this blog and my life will be going through. For example: I can't just say I want to be a writer I have to actually get writing. And I can't just say I want to make an impact on this world and do nothing. So the first thing I am going to do is make to get invested in my community around me (not sure exactly what that means but I am keeping my eyes open).
So I can't just sit by anymore... I hope you will stay with me as I go through this journey.
I am sorry I don't have a "Frivolous Friday" post for you with things going on in Charleston, SC and other things happening "Frivolous Friday" was kind of trivial. Then I remembered "Frivolous Friday" was meant to post whatever what I wanted. Here are some lovely words of inspiration and messages of hope:
I have been excited to post as much as I have done lately, though I feel they have been kind of frivolous. I am all for frivolity but I need to get something off my chest.
I have been feeling rather distant from God lately, actually I can't remember when I felt close to Him.
I am a weird mix of feeling and wanting formulas. I base a lot of my life how I feel about things and how I want people to feel about me. But when it comes to my faith I would love a formula, like if I did A and B then I get C. And that is not how God works. I also pray frequently "God I just want follow you more, but I am not sure what that looks like." In that I am saying I wish I had a model a list of "to dos" to follow. But that is not what faith is about.
Right now I feel stuck, in wanting to move but not knowing the next step.
I just finished The Chance by Karen Kingsbury, it is a cute story of best friends Nolan and Ellie who on the night before Ellie moves to San Diego they write letters to each other to read 11 years in the future. Over time Nolan gets exactly what he has wanted playing for NBA, but yet he is still full of pain with losing his best friend and his father (shortly after Ellie moves away). At the same time Ellie has stopped believing in God and questions rather He exist and if He does why did He let bad thing happen to her.
I read it because it fulfills my requirement of "reading a book you own but hadn't read." And while reading it I thought it was a cute story with a good message of forgiveness, hope and second chances. It was a quick read which I liked, but nothing really hit me. Until the end.
Through out the book various characters hear God telling them something. I know it is fiction, however I began to wonder does God really speak. If He does, He doesn't speak to me.
I have friends who speak to me and I feel it is God's truth. The best example I can give is I was questioning somethings in my life and I had prayed about them but I hadn't told anyone about my thinking. And then my friend just brought it up in random conversation. I thought that had to be God, there was no other way to explain it. But that hasn't happened in awhile. So I began to blame myself because I know I haven't really been opening myself to God.
I have used my faith like a checklist. I did my bible time, but then I would get out of bed and it was almost as if nothing changed. I feel my heart with mindless things and I sought completeness or an identity in temporal ideas. This is a pattern I have gotten used to. But when I read The Chance I wanted to hear God.
I am not sure how to listen. I am not sure if I want to hear God, just for some reassurance that I am doing okay, or if I want to hear from Him because I want to know what He wants from me. I would love a formula from Him to tell me what do with my life.
Probably not to live life?
After reading The Chance, I thought I should read some more Christian Lit (maybe if I read enough books I will understand what to do). Also reading Searching For God Know What by Donald Miller fulfills the requirement of "reading a book you began but never finished." But this book has hit me more than I thought. I am 4 chapters in and I have underlined so much. I even begun to write some prayers in it. I also know I will be re-reading it because I know my reading on the T I can't get as deep as I like. So far the book talks a lot about how we seek formulas from God, we want the Bible to be a self help book, and how this is not what God intended. God wanted us to be in a relationship with Him, to know Him personally, and to know who we are in Him. To be honest I have been a Christian since I was twelve though probably not following it until after high school (long story). Anyway, I am still not sure what what knowing God personally means. I am hoping Miller will lay it out... but I doubt he will because writes:
I bring this up because life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a dew steps is rather silly. -pg.14
And if he laid out what it meant to know God personally he would be writing a formula. So I am sure I will finish this book with more questions than answers.
I am not looking for to-do list or formulas but if you have any advice and or Bible passages that have helped you please pass them a long.
Thanks-
P.S.- I am going to be taking a little break from blogging as I am going on vacation with my mom... will post pictures later.
I was talking to my dad and we got to an awkward part of the conversation about my student loans and my work life. He never wants to put his nose in my business (unless I let him) but as I am his child he is concerned about me. But he knows I am struggling after being done with school with looking for a job and trying to make ends meet (which is true for a lot of fresh graduates). Any way, he said something "I just don't want you climbing up the wrong ladder only to discover it is the wrong ladder."
I wrote that last paragraph on Tuesday and if I continued it his post probably be a "woe is me" post and I have written enough of those lately. While I want this blog to be true to my feelings I don't need to keep writing "boo poor me" post. (Sometimes I am really way to self involved and think only of myself. But there is a whole big world beyond myself and this computer.)
I went to grad-school and got my Master's in Library Science and Master's in History. There were moments when I felt I was going to drop out, not because it was too hard but because I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted to do with my life. I have now finished my degree and I am happy to now have my masters under my belt but it doesn't help me know what to do with my life. I went into Library Science because I wanted to work for the Library of Congress and while that would still be awesome I am not sure if that is my life goal. So I changed my mind I wanted to become a reference archivist. I wanted to help people with their research. Now I have a job as a researcher for a start-up company and it is a good job and often when I leave my desk I know I have helped my boss.
Today, I read the verses:
We have different gifts, according to the grace given to us... If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously... (Romans 12:6-8 NIV)
I have a bright teal post-it in that page that I wrote years ago saying:
I really like reading that verse because I often beat myself up for "not being good enough" that just hurts my self-esteem and I cut down on God's creation. I'm not perfect but God made me beautiful work and I shouldn't be so negative.
I think I listen to my negative voices more than anything else. I even told my dad on Monday night that I kept him out of certain areas of my life because I didn't want to disappoint him. He told me that I would never disappoint him. But it is still hard to let go of the voice of disappointment.
I think I am more disappointed in myself (I write that very carefully knowing my mom is a loyal reader of my blog). In high school and college I had a plan for my life... Once I got out of high school I had planned out my life in detail and now I feel like none of those dreams or aspirations are true anymore. And the truth is I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't write that in the "boo hoo" kind of way but just in a very matter of fact kind of way.
Going back to the verses I read this morning, we all have different gifts that we should use to help improve our little corner of the world. The little notes in my bible said we can't change the whole world by ourselves but the body of Christ can.
Lately I have been feeling passionless and I think its because I have not felt God's presence in my life. I believe God is using this time to help me grow in my patience as I wait till what comes next. I think He is also using this time to see if I will truly trust His guidance. I know I have quoted this friend before but the words keep coming back to me about God wanting our best. But I don't think He is just going to give it to us. He is going to make us wait, struggle and keep hoping for it. I say this not because I think God is cruel... not at all.
But imagine if we got everything we wanted the moment you wanted it. While that sounds great at first I think we wouldn't value the things we had, and we wouldn't appreciate the things we got. I know for example when I got my very first pay check and realized when I wanted to buy something how many hours I had to work to pay for it. It started to put things in perspective and if I really wanted something expensive I would save and wait for it. Then when I got it, it was worth the wait. Sometimes I would want a nice bag (for example) so I would save and wait. While I was saving and waiting I would find an opportunity to go visit my sister (a plane ticket). To me the visit to see my sister was more important than the bag and I could buy both so I would switch my priorities.
I think God is using this time for me to wait and save and to hold out for something better then just temporarily filling my life what might be good and waiting for the best.
I have more thoughts but I feel this post has become quite a tangent. I think I need to refocus my thoughts.
It has been over 3 years since I wrote the "Timid or Playing it Safe?" And that was about relationships. But I still question am I being timid?
Last year I thought about going on Missions and one of the countries that was a possibility was Tunisia. But things came up 1) I didn't graduate in May and so I couldn't leave move over seas in September and 2) I got lost my passion for it and I reconsidered going. In a way I forgot about it and completed my thesis and have now graduated school.
With the recent violence in Tunisia my heart has been re-awaken to this country. On the one hand I am happy not to be there because I know my mom and family would be anxious for me. However on the other hand I would want to be there to experience it and be able God's love there in this time of turmoil.
Lately I have come to realized that sometimes I play it too safe. I honestly feel trapped between what I want to do and the the things I have to do. Some one asked me "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?" I thought, I like to travel, I like to write, and help people. How can I can take these passions and actually make a difference?
I don't have an answer to that question. But that is my life right now and I will continue to pray about it. One thing I know for sure is I have to trust God more to work through my timidity.
Thanks for reading this short post as I continue to work things out.
Please answer in the comments below "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?"
You know when you read something and you feel it was the perfect time to read it. You might have read it before and yet it didn't hit you quite the same way and it felt as this was the right time to read it because it truly spoke to you. Well that is how I felt this morning as I was going through my quiet time.
I have been reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren (so I owe all quotes to him), I tried reading it awhile ago but did not complete it, but last semester as I felt the loom of completing grad-school and having no clue what to do with my life I decided to pick this book back up. I have been reading it occasionally and I am on chapter 14 titled "When God seems Distant." Upon reading that I knew this would be an intriguing chapter for me. Lately, I have been feeling distant from God, I have been feeling like I have been floating through life and not really clinging to anything including God. I guess aimless is the best word to describe it.
It has had me worried because these feelings of aimlessness frequently lead me to feelings of treading water and eventually sinking into mild depression. So when I begin to feel this way I like to take action right away to prevent them from growing. Well I feel I have been going through the motion of trying to prevent these feelings and while I don't feel I have sunk, I have moments where I feel I am treading water.
full pic from above
Even before I read this chapter I prayed "I am tired of seeking out things to complete me" when those things are just temporary and what I really need it God to complete me. I feel I have said these words (or variations of them) for the last couple of months but nothing has changed. In fact I feel more aimless than I have ever had. I feel like I am in a time of waiting, waiting to see what will come next in my life and I have no idea how long I will have to wait.
Anyway, going back to my reading. I read the line "To mature your friendship, God will test it with periods of seeming separation--times when it feels as if he has abandoned or forgotten you." I mean I know he hasn't, there are numerous scriptures on God not forsaking us. But even still it is hard to reassure myself that He hasn't forgotten about me. Warren points out various verses that point to this fact. However, the verse I like the most about this is John 14:16-18: "And I will ask the Father and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever...I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."
Warren is quick to point out that even though God will never leave us, we may not always feel him, "There are times when he appears to be MIA, missing in action, in your life." Yep, that is how I feel right now. I filled my journal with this and wondering where God is. I know God is all present, but why I cannot feel that presence in my life. Warren wrote: "When God seems distant, you may feel that he is angry with you or disciplining you for some sin... But often this feeling of abandonment or estrangement from God has noting to do with sin. It is a test of faith--one we all must face: Will you continue to love, trust, obey, and worship God even when you have no sense of his presence or visible evidence of his work in your life?"
Immediately I want to say "Yes!" In reality this will be harder than saying "yes."
I know God is at work in my life because every morning I wake up, everyday I breathe and my heart continues to beat. That alone is him working in me. The fact He created me, the fact that He died on the cross to save me, the fact that He has kept me going every day till now is enough for me to trust him and worship Him. Warren quotes Psalm 37:28: "For the Lord loves the just, and will not forsake his faithful ones."
While I looked at this time as aimless... I am now going to try to see as a test and reassure myself that God has not abandoned or forsaken me. My favorite verse comes back to me: Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful- Hebrews 10:23. I know God know has promised me He will not forget me and that is the promise I hold to because God is faithful in keeping his word.
Writing that doesn't mean this will no longer be a struggle. Writing that means I will try to learn to worship God despite of how I feel and despite of what I am facing.
Warren stated "Tell God exactly how you feel. Pour out your hear to God. Unload every emotion that you're feeling... Didn't you know that admitting your hopelessness to God can be a statement of faith?" I feel I do this but sometimes I feel I sugar coat my emotions to God but God already knows whats in my heart and mind, so why don't tell him actually?
I don't have an answer to this yet, this is all a work in progress. However, even though God feels distant right now I know He is with me and He will not forsake me.
It has been almost two years since I wrote parts 1-3ish click here to read more.
I am sorry I have not posted much lately. I feel my life is hectically busy as I try to juggle what it means to be done with school. I think in December I had all these grand allusions I was going to have all this free time and be able to enjoy some laziness. Well I guess in someways that's true. I work and then come home and crash (usually in front of TV), which feels better than doing a quick power nap and then working on school stuff through the night. And when I enjoy being lazy on a Sunday afternoon I don't feel guilty about it anymore... So that all feels good. But I am learning I have to start prioritizing my time and life better in order to get done the things I want done.
In December and January I wrote about post with some new years resolutions and it is almost March, this is usually the time people have given up on their resolutions, so I thought I would just do a little check-in and report of how I am doing.
1. Invest or re-invest in the relationships I have- This is still a work in progress. I am trying to make deeper connection and started going to a new Bible Study group, which is good. But still feel myself holding back and not letting people in. I was talking about my blog with someone and they said their is "no risk" in a blog because you can type whatever you like and you are not sure who is going to read it... so you can risk putting yourself out there but you are still safe sitting behind the computer. (I am not sure if those were his exact words, but that's the idea). And that's very true about my life and why I love this blog so much I can express myself but never truly be vulnerable. But I have come to realize some of my relationships are very fluffy and not deep connections and I want to re-invest in those.
2. Work on transforming my mind in order to understand what God wants for me- Major work in progress. I have felt a little lost lately and almost like I am floating around waiting to attach to anything. But nothing has really felt like my true path. I spent many prayer times praying for God to be my guidance.
I don't feel like nothing's left but I wish I felt God's presence more in my life, and I want to feel he is truly molding me into the woman he wants me to be. My ever wise friend once told me "God desires our best." But I am not even sure what that looks like? I wonder if I will ever know or if it is a constant process of figuring things out. I think that is a process, and I am okay with that but sometimes a glimmer of "the best" would be nice.
I think that why Hebrews 10:23 has become one of my favorite... "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess because he who promised is faithful." I keep reminding myself whatever happens God is faithful.
3. Get some more writing done- This is probably one of my successes (thus far). I am writing more, I carry a note book with me everywhere and have started getting some writing done on the T on my way to and from work (if I can get a seat). It has helped we have had a few snow days here in order to get some writing done. I am also trying to sit aside time to get some writing in. I have also felt like a bolt of lighting has struck me with inspiration and I have been doing lots of plotting done... which feels good. Also I have set aside a blog space to share my story. I have a plan to post every 2 weeks on Monday.
4. One thing that was not mentioned in these blog post but I am trying to do is a "26 books in 2015" challenge, I am on my 4th book. So far all my books have been rather long... I think I will have to choose shorter books in order to complete this. Even though I am happy if I don't complete this because I am enjoying the bookish challenge. Follow my progress on my page "Book Challenge".
I talk a lot about my faith on this blog, but lately (the last few months) I keep coming back to two questions in my life: 1)What does living in faith mean? 2) What is the purpose of my life? I don't have answers to either of these questions. But I have making some process on these questions and that is what I want to share with you today.
I live my life by pretty much by routine...if you know personally you will not be surprised by this. I like my schedule and knowing whats coming (I do not handle spontaneity well). I get up turn on my coffee pot, have my quiet time while enjoying my first cup of coffee, get ready for work (I put on my moisturizer, then start my makeup, eat breakfast (while moisturizer settles in), take my vitamins, brush teeth, then get dressed (I am paranoid that I will drop toothpaste on my clothes) put on finishing touches, such as perfume, and blush), then I head out for work. Read my book on the T, take the Green Line inbound then switch to the Red line (never really looking up from my book). Usually grab another cup of coffee before sitting down at my desk, talk to my boss about what he would like me to do for the day, then plug my head phones in and listen to NPR. Okay this could go on for a bit, but I think you get my point.., I am a creature of habit and I rather like it (most of the time). Sometimes I wonder if there is something more?
I think this where my original questions come from. Last year I was going through my Bible focusing on verses that I the word "faith" in them (there are a lot).
A couple of years ago with the word "hope" and discovered that hope in God is like a day in Winter knowing that Spring will come and holding on to that. Hope in God is holding onto something we know is coming and keep going forward with that knowledge. (Read more)
There is the classic verse "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1(NIV) and I am not disliking that verse but I am still left wondering what that means for me? How can I live out my faith? What does "living out my faith" even mean? Is it random acts through out my day? Is it a life style change? And if the answer is yes to that then what does that look like like?
I don't think of myself as a visual person but I would like a model for what it means to live out my faith in the 21st century. Does it mean I have to become a missionary? Does it mean I only listen to "Christian" music, and stop watching TV? I am not sure. This is the part I grapple with. And I feel in my struggle to answer these questions I get stuck.
I am afraid to make a move because what if I make the wrong move. I also afraid if I move without knowing what to do, where will I go next? Not necessarily physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So I let these fears stop me.
On Wednesday night I went to Community Group (Bible study) and we went through the passage Mark 5 about how Jesus heals a man from demon possession. It is one of those stories in Bible, that are great at showing how mighty God and Jesus are, but hard to understand how they apply to our day to day. However, there was one really great question that stuck out... Do we (I) live as if God is in control?
If I am to answer this question honestly, most of the time, No. I mean day by day I know he is in control because he has the power to take my life away, take away everything I think I own, or every person I love. But He doesn't. But most of the time I feel I take advantage of His love, His grace, and all the blessings He has given me. So I in that way I don't feel I live like God is in control because I let myself take over. However, on the flip side of this I know what it is like to not have God in my life. I have had some low moments in my life where I feel I am drowning in an ocean and no one is coming to save me. I have tried to tread what for so long (just to keep my head above the water) but I am tired of that so I stop treading water and sink. Those feeling are very real to me and I know at those moment I need God more than anything.
I have liked "Oceans (where feet may fail)" because of these feelings.
I still don't have an answer to my original question... but life is not about having an answer. What I do know is that for me faith is living like God is in control. I am still not sure what that looks like but it is a good first step, I think another step I need to take is just to move. I can't keep letting myself be held back, I can't keep making excuses, and I can't keep praying for change without moving. Now where do I go from here? I am not sure but I know God is in control and that is pretty awesome. Because He is the only one who can provide truth, hope, rest, joy, wisdom, strength, and salvation.
About my second question, from the beginning of this blog, I think I will learn as I discover more and more about how to live out my faith. In reading verses on faith I found a great verse "the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love"- Galatians 5:6b (NIV). I think I want this to be more and more true of my life... that I am doing things out love.
Last night on Parenthood Adam was having a conversation on finding a passion and following that. I know I have passions and I think using those passions to work for God's kingdom is my purpose. I am reading the book A Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and in chapter 7 he states "the ultimate goal of the universe is to show the glory of God." Then he writes "Each of us was uniquely designed by God with talents, gifts, skills, and abilities. The way you are "wired" is not an accident." I think what I need to do is think about my passions and my gifts and begin thinking how I can use those to do work for God. One thing I will have to be careful about is making sure these are not just activities added to my day and that become motions. I recognize I need God's guidance to have these thoughts, ideas, actions, pursuits, and motives to really change my life. Rick Warren writes, "real life begins by committing yourself completely to Jesus." And I am ready for my life to begin...
It is Christmas time and I feel this a curious time of year, at least for me. It is a time of reflecting about the year that shortly ending and it is a time that we are preparing for the year to come.
Looking back at this year I feel this year has been filled a lot with my thesis...and maybe thats how it should have been but lately I have felt I spent so much energy, so much time, and devotion to it that I kind of lost focus on what the most important things are in my life. On mentally preparing this post I began to look through my photos (on Facebook) to remember all that has happened over this year. Some of the highlights have been getting to spend so much time with my family; I spent some time with my family in May, August, October and just recently when my parents came up here to see me present my thesis. If you don't know I live in Boston and my family lives all over so I usually see them only twice a year (minus skype dates) so I feel that has been really neat this year. Another highlight this year has been moving in with my current roommate and friend. Last year (until end of August) it was a struggle with my apartment. I never felt like my last place was home. Moving into my new place has felt like home the moment I started unpacking my boxes.
with niece and nephew in May
So as I began to think about 2014 and everything that happened, there have some parts of it I wish I could put behind me and never think about them again, but I know those moments have shaped me. And instead of looking at them with regret I am going to try to give them over to God and let him use them as moments of development. While 2014 has been a mix of both of ups and downs (as years are) it is what 2015 brings that I am most interested in.
Lately, I have been praying a lot to hear God's voice to feel his guidance but in reality I have felt distant from God. I know He is with me and He is the hope I have anchored my life to. Hebrews 10:23- Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful- has been a verse I have had to repeat to myself a lot through the year. I think it is more true lately as I am coming to terms with the fact I am done with school.
Birthday celebrations
For 23 some odd years, I have been a student and I have almost placed my identity in the fact I am a student. Especially in undergrad and grad school my life has been about the next homework assignment, the next chapter to read, and the next paper to write. In grad school I felt life was on hold until I finished school and sometimes I felt angry I couldn't do things because I was in school.
I have been praying for God to use me in such a way that I would make an impact in this world for Him. I have also been praying to hear God's voice and feel His guidance. But I have felt stuck and sometimes useless. I am not blaming Him for this... actually I am holding myself responsible. Because I know I have filled my life with clutter, I sought fulfillment from temporary things. So one thing I really hope for 2015 that He prune and cut things out of my life that are not from Him. This is going to take work on my end, because it is easy for me to turn on the TV, go on Facebook or Pinterest, listen to Spotify and block Him out. But I don't want to do that anymore.
Being a bride's maid in my friends wedding, in July.
On Monday I prayed:
Lord I pray you lead me. Lord there are so many big questions on my mind now. What do I do for a job? Where do I go from here? Lord I need your guidance with these questions. Lord, you are the only one that makes my life make sense and I pray oh Lord I pray you lead me on.
Then on Tuesday morning I read the passage:
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2.
Visiting my sister's family in August...
Sadly my nephew was in the hospital.
With nephew in hospital I got to spend a lot
of time with niece... blessing in disguise
These things may not seem immediately linked but they are in my mind. I think one thing I really need in upcoming year is to renew my mind and heart in God. In that I believe I will be able to truly know what God wants from me. However, I have no idea what that looks like.
Over the fall my church went through a series called "Resistance" and it was about remembering why we have the Sabbath, a time of rest, a time of remembering what is important to us, and a time to remember what God has done for us, I think over the last year and especially this last fall I have kind of forgotten that. I say my faith, my friends and family are the most important things in my life... but I felt distant from those things. I have felt very much like I have been drifting through life, not really making connections. So, another thing I would like in 2015 is to really invest or reinvest in things that are important to me.
Here I want to say I am sorry to anyone that I was not there for over the last year...even if you understood why I am sorry I got so blocked by other things I could not see what was important.
Fancy night with roommate.
On the job front I will take my time to figure things out. Fortunately this year I have been blessed with two part time jobs that have really been relief when I have been stressed about money. I think it is important right now to get things worked out in my relationship with God... so I am not going to dwell on that.
I am thankful for this year I have had the support system (friends and family) that I have had. I don't know how I would have been able to get through the struggles I have gone through... and I promise I will not forget it.
I am excited to see what 2015 has in store for me and I am already starting to shape my New Year's resolutions.
1. Invest or re-invest in the relationships I have
2. Work on transforming my mind in order to understand God's purpose for my life.
Those are 2 pretty big things so I will leave it at that for now... if I fail I will (with God) pick back up and try again.
There are other things I am looking forward to as well in 2015.
1. My sister and brother-in-law are expecting their third baby... from the pics above you can see they make cuties so I am excited for this new little one.
their birth announcement.
2. My mom and I have been dreaming about and plotting a trip to Paris and now done with school, we have been planning one for May.
Mom and I from recent trip to Boston
3. Also I have been thinking about going on another short-term missions trip. I remember how impacting my trip to Honduras was and my church does a trip to the Dominican Republic every year and watching the videos of the trips have made me want to go.
4. I am also looking forward to getting back into doing some of my own fun writing. Though I might be writing more with pen and paper than typing... my eyes are getting tired looking at word document.
I am not sure how many parts of "from my thesis cave" there will be... I like to keep you guys (who ever is reading this) up to date on my life but right now my life feels like my thesis.
Right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed, I felt I was doing on my progress about thesis almost to the point of being cocky (sorry if I came off that way). Well I had a thesis advising meeting and she kind of told me I had done my historiography all wrong... BIG GULP! Well so let me get back to the drafting board. It is a set back but I am not going to let it get to me. I have changed into my yoga pants and flannel shirt (a frequent writing outfit), sipping on some tea, and taking a breath as I begin again.
Any way, in this overwhelmed moment I thought it would be good to list things I am looking forward to once this thesis is over...
1.Just being done will be so great- This thesis has kind of been a dark cloud hanging over me and once it is done I think I will just feel more free.
2. Watching mindless television. Is it sad that I am looking forward to this? I mean I do treat myself to episodes of Chuck and I watch some TV with my roommate but sometimes I feel guilty for not working on my thesis even when I am brain dead.
3. Reading fun books. Another thing I do treat myself to... but mostly to keep my sanity in this time. But I am looking forward to reading more book and at my own pace and not having to put down fun books because I have work to do.
4. Writing my story... As much as I would love work more on my story "The Grand Days" (working title) I feel I really have no energy for it.
5. On a more serious note...I look forward to finding my passion. While I have been in school, especially more as I have been facing the end of school, I have felt a stirring that I am not living out on my faith. Looking back on the past few years the last time I felt truly passionate about something was when I was preparing to go to Honduras and doing Living Water work. I keep praying God to guide my steps and help me follow my faith (though I am not sure what that looks like). I would like the freedom to explore this idea more...Probably not full time ministries, but being open to trips and opportunities.
In Honduras at the well sight
From outside thesis cave: When I was meeting with my advisor she said for my historiography (as analogy) "I need to stop eating the cookies and think about how they were made." I started laughing because it reminded me of the FRIENDS episode where Monica is trying to discover Phoebe's Grandmother's secret recipe of chocolate chip cookies. That is what a Historiography is... it breaks down past research, the way research was done, and how research on my topic has changed or progressed.
After my last post Body Thoughts I found this quote on Pinterest and I just really wanted to share it. I must say I am quite impressed by my readership on that post... I posted it around 11 AM and by 5 PM blogger told me that 36 people I read it. I don't think any of my post had been read that many times in 1 day except my Lots of Love post. I feel quite blessed and I have loved the responses I have gotten via Facebook. Thanks.
I am trying to write post with meaning and not just have post for the sake of having post. I feel like the post I have recently written might have seemed like I was going through a low point. I don't want you, my readers, to think that at all. Yes, I feel things are changing in my life it feels like a new season with a new apartment and starting school again (hopefully for my last semester). Yes, sometimes I feel a little overwhelmed by it so sometimes I get a little negative and a little down... sorry that comes out in this blog. Writing has always helped me understand better what is going in my mind. But I don't want people to worrying.
I have moved into my apartment and my roommate wants to decorate... she hates the blank white walls (me too). I like having motivational quotes or inspiring Bible verses around my mirror and so I asked her how she felt about that. And she liked it. So I have been going through my Pinterest board "You Just Have to Believe" and I found this one.
I know sometimes I do things and more often don't do things because my fears. I am trying to be open with my life and try to experience new things. But sometimes I know that I hold onto regrets and negative things closer to my heart than positive things (I don't know why that is but I wish I could stop).
A couple of weekends ago I was hanging out with friends and one mentioned that "faith is a verb therefore it is an action." As much as I like writing and talking about things I think I actually have to start doing things. I am not sure what that looks like but I am praying God opens my heart to what he desires... next step action.
