Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts
Showing posts with label hope. Show all posts

Friday, January 23, 2015

I am ready for my life to begin

I talk a lot about my faith on this blog, but lately (the last few months) I keep coming back to two questions in my life: 1)What does living in faith mean? 2) What is the purpose of my life? I don't have answers to either of these questions. But I have making some process on these questions and that is what I want to share with you today.

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I live my life by pretty much by routine...if you know personally you will not be surprised by this. I like my schedule and knowing whats coming (I do not handle spontaneity well). I get up turn on my coffee pot, have my quiet time while enjoying my first cup of coffee, get ready for work (I put on my moisturizer, then start my makeup, eat breakfast (while moisturizer settles in), take my vitamins, brush teeth, then get dressed (I am paranoid that I will drop toothpaste on my clothes) put on finishing touches, such as perfume, and blush), then I head out for work. Read my book on the T, take the Green Line inbound then switch to the Red line (never really looking up from my book). Usually grab another cup of coffee before sitting down at my desk, talk to my boss about what he would like me to do for the day, then plug my head phones in and listen to NPR. Okay this could go on for a bit, but I think you get my point.., I am a creature of habit and I rather like it (most of the time). Sometimes I wonder if there is something more?

I think this where my original questions come from. Last year I was going through my Bible focusing on verses that I the word "faith" in them (there are a lot).

A couple of years ago with the word "hope" and discovered that hope in God is like a day in Winter knowing that Spring will come and holding on to that. Hope in God is holding onto something we know is coming and keep going forward with that knowledge. (Read more)

There is the classic verse "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1(NIV) and I am not disliking that verse but I am still left wondering what that means for me? How can I live out my faith? What does "living out my faith" even mean? Is it random acts through out my day? Is it a life style change? And if the answer is yes to that then what does that look like like?

I don't think of myself as a visual person but I would like a model for what it means to live out my faith in the 21st century. Does it mean I have to become a missionary? Does it mean I only listen to "Christian" music, and stop watching TV?  I am not sure. This is the part I grapple with. And I feel in my struggle to answer these questions I get stuck.
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I am afraid to make a move because what if I make the wrong move. I also afraid if I move without knowing what to do, where will I go next? Not necessarily physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So I let these fears stop me.

On Wednesday night I went to Community Group (Bible study) and we went through the passage Mark 5 about how Jesus heals a man from demon possession. It is one of those stories in Bible, that are great at showing how mighty God and Jesus are, but hard to understand how they apply to our day to day. However, there was one really great question that stuck out... Do we (I) live as if God is in control?

If I am to answer this question honestly, most of the time, No. I mean day by day I know he is in control because he has the power to take my life away, take away everything I think I own, or every person I love. But He doesn't. But most of the time I feel I take advantage of His love, His grace, and all the blessings He has given me. So I in that way I don't feel I live like God is in control because I let myself take over. However, on the flip side of this I know what it is like to not have God in my life. I have had some low moments in my life where I feel I am drowning in an ocean and no one is coming to save me. I have tried to tread what for so long (just to keep my head above the water) but I am tired of that so I stop treading water and sink. Those feeling are very real to me and I know at those moment I need God more than anything.

I have liked "Oceans (where feet may fail)" because of these feelings. 

I still don't have an answer to my original question... but life is not about having an answer. What I do know is that for me faith is living like God is in control. I am still not sure what that looks like but it is a good first step, I think another step I need to take is just to move. I can't keep letting myself be held back, I can't keep making excuses, and I can't keep praying for change without moving. Now where do I go from here? I am not sure but I know God is in control and that is pretty awesome. Because He is the only one who can provide truth, hope, rest, joy, wisdom, strength, and salvation.

About my second question, from the beginning of this blog, I think I will learn as I discover more and more about how to live out my faith. In reading verses on faith I found a great verse "the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love"- Galatians 5:6b (NIV). I think I want this to be more and more true of my life... that I am doing things out love. 

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Last night on Parenthood Adam was having a conversation on finding a passion and following that. I know I have passions and I think using those passions to work for God's kingdom is my purpose. I am reading the book A Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and in chapter 7 he states "the ultimate goal of the universe is to show the glory of God." Then he writes "Each of us was uniquely designed by God with talents, gifts, skills, and abilities. The way you are "wired" is not an accident." I think what I need to do is think about my passions and my gifts and begin thinking how I can use those to do work for God. One thing I will have to be careful about is making sure these are not just activities added to my day and that become motions. I recognize I need God's guidance to have these thoughts, ideas, actions, pursuits, and motives to really change my life. Rick Warren writes, "real life begins by committing yourself completely to Jesus." And I am ready for my life to begin...

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Blogging Break

Saw my family in May... happy to get to see them so soon again.

Hello Lovely Readers,

I am about to go on vacation to see some family and it could not have come at a better time... I am feeling a little burnt out. I have really pushed myself to have an active blog this summer, get some legitimate research done on research for my thesis, and dealing with some shifting feelings that have come over this summer. I feel I have really pushed myself this summer and now I feel a little empty. (Sorry that's not very positive).

I think it is time I recharge a bit. So I am taking a break from this blog... I may not be on for a bit. After I get back from vacation I have to prepare to move into my new apartment. Which, I am excited to be moving in with my friend K. But you know packing and everything can be quite exhausting.

Also I am feeling a little empty of words and not knowing what to say or write.So I leave you with this...

In my quiet time I have been going through passages with the word "Trust" in them and today it led me to these verses...
My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
(Psalm 62:1-2)

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
(Psalm 62:5-8)

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, 
my body longs for you, 
in a dry and weary land
where here is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you, 
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you,
(Psalm 63:1-5)

My soul clings to you; 
your right hand upholds me.
 (Psalm 63:8)

How I needed these words.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

The Only Promise that Remains


I know this song is suppose to be a love song but I think the words can be applied to faith as well. 
God has always been the truest constant in my life. When I feel hopeless He is my hope. When I am lost He is there with me.  

Hope you enjoy... 


"The Only Promise That Remains"
(with Justin Timberlake)
lyrics:

[Reba:]
When the ground beneath you starts a shaking
Shaking
And you forget the place we came from
Came from
When your lost and looking for a way home
Your way home to me
I'll come out and find you
When the world around you starts a moving
Moving
And you should wonder if I still love you
Love you
If you feel a darkness coming
Rising inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home

[Together:]
And after all the sky is falling down
And after all the waters washed away
My love's the only promise that remains

[Reba:]
When your doubts have got you thinking
Thinking
Nothings ever really sacred
Sacred
[Together:] and you're afraid you might believe it

Believe in me
And I'll give you a region
Cause the world around us keeps on moving
Moving
[Reba:] and there's no doubt that
[Together:] I still love you
Love you
So when you feel a darkness coming
Rising inside
I'll make a light to guide you back home

[Together:]
And after all the sky is falling down
And after all the waters washed away
My love's the only promise that remains

[Reba:]
And after all the sky is falling down
[Justin:]
After all the sky is falling down
[Reba:]
And after all the waters washed away
[Justin:] after all the waters washed away
[Together:]
My love's the only promise that remains
Remains

Friday, July 4, 2014

Passions and Impact

This is not a typical 4th of July post. But I have been thinking a lot about my passions and how I can use them to make an impact in this world. I feel there is a quote from President Kennedy or Martin Luther King Jr. about how changing the world comes when desire and action meet, but I could be wrong. However, I did find this quote from Harriet Tubman and it is pretty spot on to what I was thinking (besides this picture has fireworks so that is 4th of July-ish).
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I know I over think things... Sometimes people ask me questions and if I can't give a good answer the question just keeps rolling around in my brain. For example last week at Bible study the girl asked "How do you wake up in the morning?" I joked and said coffee (which is true). But what she meant was "Why do you wake up in the morning?" "What are you passionate about?"

When it came my time to answer I said story telling... I explained saying I love writing stories, I also love reading and getting invested in stories. But I also love meeting up (usually for coffee) with people and getting to know their story and to invest in people's lives. My answer was true but it just didn't seem to be enough. So I have been thinking about that question and the answer for the last week... yep I over think things.

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Then in church we started a series called "Integrity" looking at the book of James. My pastor mentioned that being someone of integrity is being someone of good character, trustworthy, and sound. Sound being built to last. He gave a quote from the US Soccer Coach (from the World Cup) saying "It is better to start with the end in mind." He then talked about how he sits down with college seniors and asks them to think about their funerals and how they want to be remembered. He said "it is a vision, hopefully compelling enough that in the end our faith is still in tact."

Lately I have been feeling that I want to do something more with my life than just be doing my job and finishing school. I want my life to mean something. In the example given about his seniors he says the most common answers are about being loving, caring, and faithful... while those are good answers I want my life to be known for making an impact. I am not sure what that looks like I am still praying about that. I am praying that God helps me be open to His will.

Right now that is where I am... I am looking for a way to combine my passions and my desire to make an impact on the world.

Edit: After posting this I found this...
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Monday, June 2, 2014

Reading outside the box

Click on link for a review
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I follow a lot of "writing boards" on Pinterest with lots of writing quotes, writing prompts and helpful hints. One thing I see over and over again is to read widely, which to me seems to say read from a mix of different genres. I am guilty of frequently only reading historical fiction and right now I have been addicted to WWI novels as I am trying to gain both inspiration and insight for my own story. However the last two books I have read and the book I am currently reading have nothing to do with WWI. I had Stella Bain in my bag and my co-worker was intrigued by the cover and asked me what it was about I said "a nurse in WWI" and he joked "Always WWI." Well as you can read from my post that I was not a big fan of the book. Then I read Divergent and then I read Lunch in Paris, though these books are nothing a like they are both about choices and how they define you.

Sorry I don't know the author of this quote
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Lunch in Paris is a memoir of Elizabeth Bard who moves to Paris to be with the man she loves and while she has always idealized Paris she now has to fight against her "Americanized" ways to embrace the French culture, but sometimes she has to pick her battles. I felt she constantly had to keep choosing Paris and choosing that life style. In my last post I wrote about making choices and I am thankful that we don't have just one choice in life but sometimes in life when we make a choice we have to keep choosing that choice. I have chose to live in Boston (which is completely different then my background of living in Oklahoma and California) and even though I hate the long winters I have continued to live here. I have made a life here with my friends and my second family.  In continuing to live here I have grown appreciate and love things about this city for example when it above 40 degrees in January or February I consider it a nice day and if it is sunny I go on walks to let myself enjoy the day.

In my last post I was facing some adulthood angst about making decisions and trying to figure out my life and maybe that will happen throughout my life. However I feel as an adult sometimes you have to make decisions and you have to keep choosing them and not giving up on the choices you make even when they cause struggles because struggles give us stories.

Click on link for review of book
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Sorry I did not mean for this post to become all deep, I guess that is what happen when I let my thoughts flow. I wanted to write that those stories may not be my typical books I read, I am happy I am reading them because they have given me more insight and have raised some thought provoking questions to ponder in my own head.

I am currently reading Dear Mr. Knightley, I first picked up this book because I thought there would be a Jane Austen connection with the title being such. It is not another retelling of Jane Austen book. It is about a girl Sam Moore, who has had a troubling past of floating between foster homes never really making connections as she hide behinds her books. However, she has been given a generous grant to go to Northwestern University's journalism school with the condition she must write letters to the benefactor, Mr. Knightley. I am only 80 pages in so I don't know all the details of the story but so far I am enjoying learning how Sam is overcoming her struggles. While the title of the book intrigued me it was reading an acclaim for the book that got me to read this novel... "Katherine Reay invites readers into each moment of a young woman's discovery that real heroes are fallible, falling in love isn't always better in books, and literature is meant to enhance life--not serve as a substitute for living" (Serena Chase, USA Today's Happy Ever After Blog). I sometimes think I am like Sam hiding out in the world of my books and my own stories but for life to truly happen I have to break out of that.

Though these books have nothing to do with WWI, they are inspiring me to think outside the box and really wonder about things in my own life... and not just getting lost in an epic historical novel.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Adulthood Angst....

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In my last post I wrote about how I related to Tris because of her angst... in the book she is dealing with first love and trying to find her place in her world. In the book Tris feels she has to make one choice and follow it wholeheartedly, but because she is Divergent she has multiple paths and that is how life is. Thankfully (and sometimes not so thankfully) we all have multiple paths.

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I am grad-school and I am almost at the end. I hopefully have one more semester... though I feel I have said this a few times because I had to delay my thesis a few times. This has given me time to think of what I want to do with my life.

When I was in high school I wanted to be Abigail Chase, Diane Kruger, character in National Treasure.  She was a confident, and though she was a history nerdy girl she was was also very sexy. Also, she knew everything about everything, which was cool. For like split second I thought about doing Political Science but then I realized I loved history and escaping into the past. So I decided to pursue history in undergrad. I moved to Boston, on an almost gut reaction, because from almost the moment I visited it felt like it was home. Plus it didn't hurt that it was one of the most historical cities in the US. And basically minus the really cold winters and spells of homesickness I love Boston and I have been blessed with a second family here.

Now I am grad-school, and thinking about my future I often wonder if this path I chose going into library science and history is what I am suppose to be doing. For awhile I thought about leaving everything I know and going on missions. But the more time I thought about it, it didn't feel right. I had a passion for it but over time I lost it and sometimes I feel I have no idea what to do...
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Sometimes, it scares me because I am usually a person with a five year plan, but I feel my five year plan has changed a few times. Right now I am embracing I don't have a plan, because right now I can hide behind the idea of just working on my thesis. I can put off real life and trying to be an adult. I guess this why I relate to Tris... she is still trying to make decisions of her life and figure things out.  Fortunately for me I am not also trying to fight a corrupt government (thank goodness).

Even though I am trying to figure things out I am glad I have some solid things to hang on to. I have my family, my second family, my friends, my faith... all these things have held me up and held me together and I a thankful for those. Also I am glad to figure out that like Tris we don't have one path and one choice. 
A previous post Figuring some things out...

Thursday, April 17, 2014

My week in pictures and song

Here are some highlights from this week hope you enjoy...

I have posted a motivational song as I prepare for the end of this semester... here is another one.
I have only seen Hercules a few times, but this song has made my list of motivational song to keep me going. 
Song: Go the Distance
From Hercules 

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Spring has FINALLY come to Boston, as winter felt painfully long, I have never had a green thumb, but I do love flowers starting to bloom. Since moving to Boston I have discovered that daffodils are one of the first flowers to bloom and I have grown to love them as a sign of hope.
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As it spring now I get to switch over to my spring and summer scent (and my favorite scent) of Marc Jacobs Daisy. Last year my Grandpa sent me money for my birthday stating that I had to spend it on something frivolous so I bought this perfume that I love. 

We are experiencing April showers here in Boston and in hopeful romantic, period drama watching way I have always loved the rain. Rain always brings out a freshness in the time. Today as I was walking around getting some errands done I felt like it was a perfect story book rain storm. 
Marianne from Sense and Sensibility (2008)
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Also I have had some hard times with my thesis and I have felt trapped not knowing what to do next, well today I had a meeting with my reader and she gave me some good advice and now I truly feel motivated to get re-started. I feel like a lot of my spring semester has been re-starting.
I believe Mark Twain is author of this quote
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As motivation of my writing, I have changed my computer background... 

Also as a fan-girl it has been a good week... First I am so happy that Parks and Rec has provided us with some cute Ben and Leslie moments. I have felt this season has been lacking some cute and much needed Ben and Leslie moments (and to be honest that is why I started watching the show). In season 5 they introduced the "Ben and Leslie Family Album" but since then nothing about that until this week. 
"Family Album"
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Also, I have been watching the Emma Approved series and have greatly enjoyed it, so it makes me even happier to know that the actors in real life are dating. They have great chemistry on screen on so this is wonderful for this fangirl. 
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Here is a short little preview of some of their on air chemistry...

Video: Emma & Alex Knightley | Into the blue

I am also re-reading one of my favorite novels, I Capture the Castle, re-reading some novels to me is like snuggling under a warm blanket even if I am on the T. I know what is going to happen but I still enjoy remembering the details. 

I know this post has been rather frivolous, but I hope you have enjoyed it. 

Screen shot of Cassandra and Stephen walking through the blue bells.
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*I wrote this post on Tuesday and now having bragged about how glorious the weather has been here it has decided to return to a normal spring weather of close to 50s. 

Thursday, December 5, 2013

Faith is bigger...

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My friend and I on Thanksgiving
Hello,

In my last post I couldn't believe it was Thanksgiving and now I can't believe it is December, however I am very much look forward to going home for Christmas (I always look forward to that).

A few years back I did a study on the word "hope" and what it meant when I say "I hope in the Lord."Well lately I have been questioning my faith, I don't mean to I don't have faith, but just questioning what it means to say the word "faith" or "I have faith." Faith is such a small word for all the meaning it has.At the heart of the word faith is believing in something we can't see or in our limited view understand. Last year my co-worker asked me "why do you believe in God?" and I answered "at the end of the day He is the only one  that make sense." Since then I have though how many time God (from my very limited perspective) doesn't make sense, like I can't understand why natural disasters happen, or why there are diseases that can't be cured. So sometimes God doesn't make sense. If I say that does that mean I doubt God? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I am not expecting God to make sense from my view point. So maybe at the end of the day I don't have faith because He is the only one that make sense, but because He is the only one that has kept my life together.

Let me go back and explain... Have you ever felt you got everything together? That you are in control and things are going well. I usually feel this when I have been good in my bible study, strong in having spiritual conversations and I feel I can sit back and cruise, and for a little bit... just enjoy life. Well that is when I start to falter because when I feel I can cruise problems erupt (okay that might be an exaggeration), but I do have a feeling things are falling apart. I have used the analogy of first swimming along just fine, then feeling like I am treading water, then potentially drowning.

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So back to faith, as I feel myself like I am treading water, I realize something is not right, and I know immediately I have tried to take control. Why do I do this? Because I am human with arrogance and pride. Depending on how much pride I have at the momen. I either keep treading or try to turn back to God. God is good about reminding me how small and weak I am without Him... to be honest I am okay that. Then He usually sorts things out, and I am saying my life gets better, but He reminds me who and what should be the true focus of my life. Who should be the focus? Is God. What should be the focus? Is His Will. I am not saying I understand all this over night, sometimes I spend months where I feel I am treading water and sometimes I feel I am trying to get back to God but I am blocked. It is not easy to let God break me down and let myself sink until I give up my ideas of control... but it is always worth it.

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So why do I do this? More and more as I go through this journey of faith, that having faith in God is believing He will work it out... even if you are not sure what the "it" is. As I am wrapping up this semester and facing my last semester of school, the future is really looming over me. Right now my "it" is the future. I have faith in God because He is working out my future, He has had a plan for me (even before I was born) and I know His plan for me is perfect. In this His ideas of perfect and my ideas of perfect are different, but I know His ways are right and true. Therefore, I have to constantly remind myself to give up my control and give it to Him. I am learning more and more I have faith in God because He will never let me go and I am never on my own, He is always with me, He will always be with me, and I needn't worry because he is taking care of me.

Right now my life seems pretty up in the air as I pray and think about my future, but I am totally eager to see what God has planned for me. I will keep you posted on this journey.
Happy December!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Thankful For!

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Oh my goodness I am still in shock that Thanksgiving is this week... of course today it feels like January.

Anyway today in church we were talking about being Thankful and my pastor quoted the passage...
"give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."- 1 Thessalonians 5:18. 

Then he encouraged us to make us while we are going throughout our days to make a list of things we are Thankful for, so here some things on my list.

Thankful for being an aunt...
it is my favorite role
1. I am thankful God is in control... Most of my life I have always tried to live by a plan, for example in college I knew I was going to take a year off and then go to Grad-school, well a year turned to a year in half (because of personal circumstances) and for awhile I felt I was behind in my plan. Now I am preparing to graduate in May (hopefully) and I have no idea what I want to do with my life... you would think it would be Library Science, but I don't know, I have a lot of passions and I want to do a lot of things so I am not forsure. The awesome thing is I am not in control, He is and He has a perfect will for me. So I am praying God to guide me in my future.

Song: Your love is strong
By: Jon Foreman 

2. I am thankful for God's love... I am single, and sometimes I wish so hard I was in a relationship with "the one" and that I would be looking forward to my wedding day, and sometimes it hurts to be single and feel alone. But God's love is bigger than my singleness and He is giving me this time to really be nurtured in Him and learn how cherished I am to Him.

3. I am thankful for my singleness... as much as I want to be a wife and mother I am thankful for my singleness because I am still uncertain what God has in store for me and being single I can be more open to His desires and callings.
Thankful for my friends who have become a second family 
4. I am thankful for all the support and love I have been given, rather it comes from parents, my sibling, my friends (who are my second family) I am never at a loss for support and love.

Darcy and I snuggling last year during Nemo
5. I am thankful for the hope I have in God. I don't know how everything is  going to work out but I continue to put my hope in God and He continues to see me through even when I feel things are falling apart.

6. On these cold days I am thankful for my apartment, my cat who snuggles on me, and hot tea.

The next thing my pastor encouraged us to do is to "Fix your eyes on the truth." I know for me it is easy to wish my life was different and be discouraged that its not the way I want... but for us to be truly thankful we have to be thankful for what we have instead of wanting something more. What we choose to focus on can make all the difference.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer, and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 4:6-7

I wrote a post last March very similar to this and I shared this collage...
I'm thankful for the people in these pictures. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Figuring some things out...

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Hello,

I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update  in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...

In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions... 

Dear Anne,

I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.


Best Buds
Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)
We so silly

Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.

I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.

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Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.
old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"
Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future... 

I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.

I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.

Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.

Monday, July 8, 2013

Holding onto Truths pt. 2

Hello,
 
When I posted my Holding onto Truths  I wrote that I needed to add a part 2... First I am rather surprised how many people have read that post and my Life Update post. Let me go back and explain a few things, halfway through writing my "Holding onto Truths" post was when I was having trouble with my blogging on my home computer, so I didn't write it all together. That was probably good because I feel like I was kind of throwing myself a pity party, then once I postponed my thesis I felt like the cloud that had been hanging over me was gone and I felt much more relief. I actually felt like deleting that post, but then I felt that would be as if I was pretending that I never had those doubts or concerns and I want to be honest with you my readers. I feel like today so much of social media is concerned with showing only our best side, but this blog is not only for my best it is also to help work through my worst. So I posted the post and I hope if you are feeling doubts, and insecurities, that you will read that post and know you are not alone.
 
After posting "Holding onto Truth" post my mom called, she so wishes she could fix all my problems. I told her "at least I know these are lies." I think we hold onto lie because it is the devils way of keeping us from God. I honestly believe the verses that God created us in His image, to be his masterpiece, but if the devil can slip doubt into that, then he can separate us from God and separate us from doing the work God wants us to do. I will be the first one to admit sometimes the voices of doubt, insecurities, pain, regret, shame, and others cab scream louder than God's whisper of peace, beauty, hope, love and truth. I know the feelings of being surrounded by those voices, feeling lost in the woods and not knowing a way out, or feeling you have sunk to the bottom of the ocean and see no life preserver. I know those feelings but I also know God's truth. 
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Somewhat related post:

I am still struggling with it. I know God is present in my life but right now I can't feel Him. I am sticking to my quiet times but they are more like a to do list than an experience. I am hoping now that I have postponed my thesis and the cloud has lifted I can get real and honest with God. Its funny God knows everything, He knows the desires of my heart, He knows all my bruises, all the pain I carry around pointlessly and yet sometimes I feel I can hide from Him. Right now I don't want to hide from any more. I know I have issues but I think the only way to move on is to open my heart to God, truly open my heart, hand over the pain and tears and let Him be in the moment. I told Him, the other day in prayer, that get glimmers of His goodness but I don't want to just settle for moments of it. I want it to be fully in my life. 

It is interesting that in my community groups we were talking about Romans 12 and my friend asked us which one of the following in the "Love in Action" part is hardest for us. I said "12:12, because I have felt like beaten down, at a loss, and not knowing where to go in my faith. I have felt passionless in my faith, and I have felt for awhile sometimes I am just going through the motions." I have had moments of passion but they are short and far between. I am longing for a moment of His glory and my passion. 

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need.Practice hospitality.

In my last post Music for my soul I wrote the truths I am holding on to:

  • I know God is present in my life even if I am not feeling Him right now.
  • I know God wants only the best in my life, so while this is just a phase, it is not forever.
  • I know God loves me and will not let go of me.  

I don't really have a conclusion to this post but I felt I left my "Holding onto Truth" post on such a low note that I wanted to let you, my readers, know that in my heart I know the doubts and insecurities are lies and I trying very hard to cling to God's truth. 

Thank you for reading,
Blaire
 
Some good finds on Pinterest:
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Friday, March 15, 2013

Not forsaken pt. 3ish

As I was writing my Not Forsaken blog post I was reminded of some other post I feel I have written on much the same topic. So I wanted to high light them because faith is a constant journey. Pictures and previews below...Happy Reading!

I can't keep it bottled up inside any more.
I am burnt out.
In my life I have wanted to be many things
but my heart has only wanted to be two things
a wife and a mother.
I have placed so much time and energy thinking and dreaming about those two things
I lose my focus.
A few hours ago I got back from a wonderful retreat and I come back with one BIG take away. I have written many times on this blog that I have wanted to be a wife and mother but that feels very  far away from distant from me. For awhile I walked around a little depressed because I thought if that is the purpose of my life why is it not happening. Then I wondered is this really God's desire? So I began praying "Lord please change my desires if they are not yours" quickly followed by "but I really want to be a wife and mother." Up until this weekend I thought this was a good prayer. I mean I couldn't lie to God and pretend that I didn't want my desires but I knew His desires were more important so I thought this prayer was a good compromise. 
Delight yourself in the Lord
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
-Psalm 37:4

I know that verse is used a lot. At first reading it should seem like that God should give you whatever you desire/want. So many times we do not get what we want. Does that mean this verse is a lie? No. I think this verse tells us there is a process (a process I am still learning).

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart- Jeremiah 29:13. The most important part in these verses is the Lord. When we seek God with all our hearts, we will find God. When we delight ourselves in the Lord that is when we get the desires of our hearts. Often times I pray "I want this and I want that" and when I don't get I give up and usually pout and complain. That is not where prayer should stop. 


Hope is an interesting word. In church and in the bible we are told to hope in the Lord. I have long to struggled with the idea what this idea truly means. When I was in my most serious relationship I knew what it was like to hope in our relationship and hoped that one day we would get marry. But that did not work out and when we broke up I felt like I had lost all hope. 


I have been going through a study in the Bible on the word hope. Before this study I knew what it was like to hope for a good grade; I knew what it was like to hope for/in a relationship; but I never knew what it meant to "Hope in the Lord" (a phrase often used in church). I got to hear my friend talk about what she was going through and she said the phrase "God wants our best in life so we don't need to fear that things will work out." Our best does not mean financial prosperity or happiness all the time but it does mean God's will being done perfectly through us. From the time she mentioned that to now (and on going) my perspective on the word HOPE has changed. More on this in my Hope is an Act of Waiting post. During my quiet time my study came across this scripture...

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me
heavenward in Christ Jesus. 
-Philippians 3:13b-14 (NIV, 1984)

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You know it is interesting. My friend keeps talking about how when God is trying to to teach us something and we ignore Him, He will let us have our own way for awhile (a month, a year, tens years, whatever) but we will keep circling the mountain. We will go around the mountain and we won't really be able to climb up the mountain and experience all his greatness... I think this my mountain. Hope is my mountain. I have written about hope and the future so much but I have yet to grasp what it really means to Hope in the Lord. I keep underestimating his grace and what He has in store for my. I can see my mountain now I just need to learn how to climb it. 

In my post "A thought for Thursday" I wrote "And the roads to get up those mountains are loopy and sometimes you may not be able to see where you are going. But isn't that what makes life fun... the unknown?"  I am not so good at embracing the unknown and right now I feel my life is a lot of unknowns. And not to sound all preachy, but I know God is here to take me through all the valleys and hill tops and He has promised never to forsake me.



Faithful
By: Brooke Fraser