Pin of the week

If you hang out with me for any given amount of time you will learn I love Pinterest. My friends make fun of me saying they I know it is my pin without even seeing who pinned it... usually because it is an old fashion dress. And while I love pinning old fashion dresses and I have found inspirations for my stories there, I love finding great quotes as well (and sharing them with you).

{pic}

As I posted in my Happy Easter ! post that my church is going through a series "I AM", when Jesus says "I am..." and on the first week we talked about how Jesus calls himself the Good Shepard and he referenced Psalm 23 and though this chapter is frequently referenced and because of that it is easy to skim through it and not take in what it really means. But my pastor challenged us to really try to memorize it. So I wrote it out and posted it to my mirror, that I look into when I am doing my make-up. During my prayer time I have been reflecting what it really means to have God as my Good Shepard.

{my make-up mirror}

Lately, I have been feeling a lack of God's presence in my life and while I have not doubted God and I know He is here. I have been questioning why do I not feel him, then I look at my life and realize I do a lot to block him out. I feel I have some put up so many barriers around me that it is like a wall around my heart. Yesterday, I read James 4:15 "Instead, you ought to say 'if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that'." And that got me thinking... what is the Lord's will. My dad and I were talking that sometimes we think of God's will as being a tightrope that we get nervous about falling off. And I thought, how true but I think God's will is wide enough to take our imperfections and make them perfect in Him. Which, personally find really awesome because God is not limited to a narrow pathway and we are not limited by fear of falling off.  We can make mistakes, wrong turns, detours, and U turns and God can work with it. 

{pic}

Today I read Psalm 51:10-12...

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit away from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

I read the NIV Life Application Bible and it has awesome footnotes, the footnote for this passage said "God wants us to be close to him and to experience his full and complete life. But sin that remains unconfessed makes such intimacy impossible." 

I prayed to God about my pride, my doubts, blocking Him out. I have prayed forgiveness of these things before, and I keep asking for God to be able to feel His presence, but the thing is no matter how many times I asked it is hard to change my habits. I know they say it takes 21 days to change your habits... well I think today is day 1. Instead of turning on the TV right after my quiet time, I turned on some Christian music (yes I am still addicted to noise, but at least this send a positive message) and while listening to music I can do other things (like write this post) instead of wasting hours in a mindless TV show. I am not expecting a miracle overnight but I feel I have to start sometime. 

So what does this have to do with God being the Good Shepard? Well instead of listening to my thoughts "that I can handle this all..." or that "I got this..." I am going to try to find comfort in the knowledge that God is with me and leading me no matter what. I am going to try to put in practice more and more leaning on His hope. I am going to try to stop listening to my doubts and listen to my faith... and maybe one day I can stop saying "I am going to try" and it will actually be true. 

{pic}

Things are up in the air

Hello Lovely Readers,

{pic}

It is Monday afternoon and for some reason it feels like a good reason to sit down and blog and I have plenty of thoughts but I can't seem to find the words so this post may not make much sense (sorry). It is the end of the March and supposedly the beginning of spring though we are expecting more snow this week.

First, I have posted in the past that this semester I am working on my thesis. It is not an easy process, I have had a mental set back as talking to my adviser she was not happy with my work, I have thought many times about quitting, and when people try to talk to me about my thesis (even though encouraging) I have shut down. I don't know what is going on but its been draining and I think people around me have noticed (at least my co-workers have). I feel I have gone from my usual "Leslie Knope-self" to feeling more like April Ludgate.

{pic}
Leslie vs. April

Well I am still not very talkative about my thesis most because it still is a bit overwhelming I have made some progress in the research... needless to say I am not going to get it done this semester and will be taking an extension with it and will be writing it and hopefully finishing it over the summer. So eventually I will have my masters but it is a long draining process.

{pic}

Second I have felt a little lack luster about life, I mean with me doing research all day in my apartment I consider the day a triumph if I get out of my PJs and in to yoga pants. Last semester my friends who work with GoCorps came to do a presentation about going into the Missions field for the next two years and I instantly sparked something in me and I was all gung-ho about applying for a teaching position in Northern Africa. But now I am not so sure...

I am not so sure if missions is right for me or what I should be doing with my life.

I feel there are a lot of doors open but instead of being able to decide what door to choose I just feel stuck. I also feel like just running away.

When I was a junior in high school, I suffered from minor depression,  I remember sitting in my Spanish Class (because it was my only class with windows), staring out across the San Francisco Bay and planning to go to Oakland, get on an Amtrak train and just go away. I thought somehow then that if I ran away all my problems would go away to. I sort of ran away. I found a college on the opposite side of the country from everything I had known and moved to Boston. Even though I was on the other side of the country the problems didn't disappear.

I remembering that now because I feel like running away. I don't know where I would go according to Buzzfeed quizzes I either belong in Cape Town, South Africa or China. If I could I think I would run away to England or Paris. Or crash on my sister's couch (if she would let me) and get in some necessary Auntie Blaire time. Sadly I can't just run away, I have responsibilities of rent, taking care of my cat, and other adult things.

So I feel I am just waiting for things to make sense. However I can't wait too long because here in Boston people are already looking for September leases and I don't know where I will be living yet. So yeah things are up in the air and I am just wanting to escape.

So things are pretty up in the air...

For some escapism
{pic}

Having just finished this post, I don't want you my lovely readers to think I am all "boo is me", I just sometimes feel writing out my thoughts is easier than actually saying them.

Another month another update

Highly recommend this chapter book
 {pic}

Hello my loyal readers,

You have to be loyal if you are reading this blog still. I feel I have no words, when ever I want to write my mind gets overwhelmed with how much work I have to do, how many papers I have to write and how many books I have to read. So actually I have a lot of words.

I am surprised it is November, I can't believe that people are listening to Christmas music and  must admit that as I made my Christmas travel plans I too wanted to watch Christmas movies. However, for most of my life my family has not watched Christmas movies till after Thanksgiving. So I would feel just wrong watching a Christmas movie until then. So I'm awaiting that time.

But in the mean time... here is what is going on my life. My semester is winding down (as I only have a month left). Winding down makes it sound as if it is relaxing... I wish I have 3 more projects due in my Children's Lit Class. I know Children's Lit is not in my degree of archiving. But after last semester (where I wanted to drop out of school) I decided to try something completely new and fortunately my advisor was okay with it. We started with reading picture books, then easy reader, and now we are in chapter books. I am always impressed with my classmates, they truly have a passion for this. People might be shocked by this but I wasn't always a big reader, at least not when I was a kid, I only remember reading a book called Third Grade Detectives, and Matilda. I did not really like reading until 6th or 7th grade and I read  Ella Enchanted and something inside me clicked. Anyway I feel I am spending a lot of time doing catch up....

with my Harvard ID

My other class is my internship class, where I get to work at Harvard Art Museum Archives. Everyone thinks it is cool I get Harvard next to my name (which it is), however I liked the job of being a reference person more so. I really like interacting with people and doing research, so I feel reference will be a good spot for me. Sadly the museum is closed as it is under renovations, so I am getting more interactions with emails than in person people. However, I'm loving doing research and touching documents that are close to a 100 years old. One thing I am surprised about is though I am working in an art museum archives, so little of my research actually is about art, it is mostly about the history of the museum.  I am sad to say with the number of hours I have to complete I will only be at this internship till Thanksgiving.

An aerial shot of the Fogg museum
The brick part was built in 1927
The glass is to add more more natural light
{pic} 

my stack of books on my desk

Other than my classes... I am happy to say my semester is busy but it is going well. I am not feeling too overwhelmed or feeling the anxiety that I felt semester. I am also happy to say I turned in my thesis proposal, I haven't heard back from them if it was approved or not, but just doing my thesis proposal feels quite accomplished. Last semester I was so burnt out from taking 2 history classes (yeah not a good idea) that writing my thesis proposal was a big struggle, and then I had a little break down where I thought of dropping out of school... I was talked off that ledge. Through some encouragement I went ahead and pursued my ideas, found sources, and I felt more confident writing my thesis proposal.  I hope to write on working women at the turn of the twentieth century and how they used fashion to liberate themselves (before they had the vote). It is interesting I spend some time reading books about clothes then I spend other time reading books about working women. I will also be using letters and diaries.

The look below is an example of women wearing the shirtwaist style (comparative to a modern day blouse) and a dark skirt, very popular for working women. Though this look might look restrictive... it was actually more freeing than past styles. The shirtwaist was worn by all spheres of society, it was the working women who really used this style to liberate themselves and potentially move up in the world. 

{pic}

Okay loyal readers, I feel this post is long enough and while it has been fun to get some writing some in, I have to begin my day. 

Hopefully will post before next month.

Fall Confession

{pic}

Hello readers,

I have a confession to make in the past I have been a "negative nelly" about autumn because autumn means winter is coming, but this year I have been enjoying it. The street I live on has lots of trees and they are all changing colors and it is great to be walking and having leaves fall down around you. Last night I was kind of having a "ho-hum" day and as I was walking a bit of breeze hit and leaves fell down. I said "Thank you Lord." It was just a little moment of calm and happiness.

Us waiting for the bus at the airport...
we were so happy to see each other

Also this last weekend my sister and niece came to visit and watching her enjoying the fall--crunching on the leaves, drinking hot chocolate, and every thing else was just made my heart so happy. (Plus just being with my niece makes me happy).

Walking through the Gardens

Visiting Mrs. Mallard
"Make Way for Ducklings"

Enjoying the sun... playing on the Greenway

I had a great stay-cation and I love showing off this city that I love so much.

Also I think right now God is teaching me to live in the present and enjoy it, not just to keep thinking about the future. I am going to enjoy this fall (even with the knowledge that winter is coming) and be thankful for the present.

This will be hard because I know I spend a lot of time thinking of the future, I have a weird nostalgia about the future thinking things will be better or that things will make sense. But I have to remember God is preparing and molding me now for what He has for me. So NOW my focus should be to learn what He wants from me in the present and not be so focused on what is beyond my control.

Hope you guys have a great fall!

All three of us enjoying the sun. 

Figuring some things out...

{pic}

Hello,

I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update  in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...

In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions... 

Dear Anne,

I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.

Best Buds

Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)

We so silly

Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.

I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.

old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"

Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future... 

I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.

I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.

Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.

Summer of Movies Part 1...

I feel this has been my summer of movies and once again I thank the lovely Boston Public Library for letting me watch these movies for free (very important on a student budget). Here are some more movies I have checked off my to watch list...

Here are the two I loved...
1. We Bought a Zoo...

The trailer really says the basic plot line Benjamin Mee (Matt Damon) is a writer always looking for an adventure until his wife dies and then the adventure becomes raising his kids. In looking to start over Benjamin goes on a house search only to find the perfect place to be a zoo. Here their new adventure begins with the help of Kelly Foster (Scarlett Johanson) and the others (both human and animals).

{pic}

Why I watched- It just looked like a cute feel good film, but then during a random time on Pinterest I saw this picture (right) and I thought that looks like a film with a great story.

What I liked- There is a little spark between the characters Benjamin and Kelly but it is not all sappy an mushy, and the whole story did not revolve around it. The more romantic plot line of the story revolved around the son Dylan and Lily, they were cute and awkward as it should be. I forgot it was based off a true story, so I was very happy to read as the credits were going that: "The Dartmoor Zoological Park, on which this story is based, is an award-winning zoo...".

What I didn't like- Some parts seemed a little over dramatic especially the part of Dylan, but hey he is a teenage boy who just lost his mom he is going to be a bit dramatic. I felt over all did not take away from the story line and it probably would not have felt real if it wasn't included.

Overall- Great feel good movie, good family movie. It is rated PG but the disc I got included a "English Family-Friendly Audio Track" so it can be for everyone.

2. The Music Never Stops

It is a moving story (have tissues) about a father Henry (J.K. Simmons you might recognize him from Juno) and his son, Gabriel, have not seen each other for about 20 years after they had a fight. Now Gabriel has a brain tumor and it is their love of music that brings them together again. Of course Henry loves the classics like Frank Sinatra and Gabriel loves The Beatles, Bob Dylan, and mostly the Grateful Dead, but Henry in order to bond with his son again listens to Gabriel's music and gets insight into his son's life.

Why I watched- I had never heard of this movie before until I watched The Conspirator and this was one of the previews (that's right I still watch previews), I instantly thought this film looked sweet so I wanted to watch it.

{pic}

What I liked- The whole movie. I thought J.K. Simmons played his role very well, he is 65 years old and stubborn, he believes the music his son loved brought about the end of their relationship, and he doesn't want to go back to that time. However, Diane Daley (Julia Ormond... I recognized her from Sabrina (1995)), the music therapist convinces him that Gabriel's music is the music that will help him. After that Henry goes in and trades in his albums for some of Gabriel's music and really starts to hear Gabriel's story. He even takes his son to a Grateful Dead concert.

Even though I am not of the Grateful Dead generation I still loved the soundtrack and maybe adding some of their music to my playlist.

What I didn't like- I can't think of anything. So over all I recommend it for any one who loves music (rather your Dead fan or not).

 This got a little long so I will post Part 2 on Thursdays.

Changes are a comin'

Hello loyal readers,

The Old North Church
{pic}

I think only my loyal readers will recognize some changes are happening. This summer I have tried to post on Monday, Wednesday, Friday as those were my lighter days. Well now I have taken a second job working at the Old North Church gift shop (at least until the end of October) and now working 6 days a week not giving much time to write or notify my lovely Facebook followers that I have blogged.* So I am still going to post but now my post might be on Tuesdays and Thursdays as those are my late days.

Then everything is going to change again come September when I start classes. So changes are a coming for better or worse I am just trying to roll with the punches.

One change coming is I am moving... not far just another apartment. But it feels like a big change I will have 2 roommates and additional pets (I hope Darcy is okay with this transition). Another change I will be doing an internship over the fall semester. I have filled out my student profile and now waiting for placement from my school. I am also taking a children's librarian class. It is totally not in my track as I am a History/Archives, but a lot people have told me I should work with children, so I thought this would be interesting. I am seriously hoping that the internship and the children's librarian class will help give me more insight in what I want to do with my life... after last semester I am completely drained and feel somewhat passionless for library science.

I will keep you posted on any other life changes.


*-In case you are worried for me. I am making ends meet by working my current job, I am just trying to save more money. Also I want a job somewhat related to my interest. 

Holding onto Truths pt. 2

Hello,

 

When I posted my Holding onto Truths  I wrote that I needed to add a part 2... First I am rather surprised how many people have read that post and my Life Update post. Let me go back and explain a few things, halfway through writing my "Holding onto Truths" post was when I was having trouble with my blogging on my home computer, so I didn't write it all together. That was probably good because I feel like I was kind of throwing myself a pity party, then once I postponed my thesis I felt like the cloud that had been hanging over me was gone and I felt much more relief. I actually felt like deleting that post, but then I felt that would be as if I was pretending that I never had those doubts or concerns and I want to be honest with you my readers. I feel like today so much of social media is concerned with showing only our best side, but this blog is not only for my best it is also to help work through my worst. So I posted the post and I hope if you are feeling doubts, and insecurities, that you will read that post and know you are not alone.

 

After posting "Holding onto Truth" post my mom called, she so wishes she could fix all my problems. I told her "at least I know these are lies." I think we hold onto lie because it is the devils way of keeping us from God. I honestly believe the verses that God created us in His image, to be his masterpiece, but if the devil can slip doubt into that, then he can separate us from God and separate us from doing the work God wants us to do. I will be the first one to admit sometimes the voices of doubt, insecurities, pain, regret, shame, and others cab scream louder than God's whisper of peace, beauty, hope, love and truth. I know the feelings of being surrounded by those voices, feeling lost in the woods and not knowing a way out, or feeling you have sunk to the bottom of the ocean and see no life preserver. I know those feelings but I also know God's truth. 

{pic}

Somewhat related post:

Things I am afraid to tell you

No fight left

Not forsaken and part 2 

Discovering my mountain 

Hope is in the act of Waiting

I am still struggling with it. I know God is present in my life but right now I can't feel Him. I am sticking to my quiet times but they are more like a to do list than an experience. I am hoping now that I have postponed my thesis and the cloud has lifted I can get real and honest with God. Its funny God knows everything, He knows the desires of my heart, He knows all my bruises, all the pain I carry around pointlessly and yet sometimes I feel I can hide from Him. Right now I don't want to hide from any more. I know I have issues but I think the only way to move on is to open my heart to God, truly open my heart, hand over the pain and tears and let Him be in the moment. I told Him, the other day in prayer, that get glimmers of His goodness but I don't want to just settle for moments of it. I want it to be fully in my life. 

It is interesting that in my community groups we were talking about Romans 12 and my friend asked us which one of the following in the "Love in Action" part is hardest for us. I said "12:12, because I have felt like beaten down, at a loss, and not knowing where to go in my faith. I have felt passionless in my faith, and I have felt for awhile sometimes I am just going through the motions." I have had moments of passion but they are short and far between. I am longing for a moment of His glory and my passion. 

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need.Practice hospitality.

In my last post Music for my soul I wrote the truths I am holding on to:

• I know God is present in my life even if I am not feeling Him right now.
• I know God wants only the best in my life, so while this is just a phase, it is not forever.
• I know God loves me and will not let go of me.  

I don't really have a conclusion to this post but I felt I left my "Holding onto Truth" post on such a low note that I wanted to let you, my readers, know that in my heart I know the doubts and insecurities are lies and I trying very hard to cling to God's truth. 

Thank you for reading,

Blaire

 

Some good finds on Pinterest:

{pic}

{pic}

{pic}

 

Life update

It is amazing what 24 hours can do, or in this case one email can do....

As some of you might know I am getting my duel master's in Library Science and History. Well one large part of getting the History degree is writing a thesis. I did an under-grad thesis so I thought this would not be much different but it has felt completely different and overwhelming. So overwhelming that I was mentally paralyzed and it was like a cloud hanging over me. I had a plan to do my research over the summer and then come September hit the ground running with writing. Well that would have been good except for 2 things. One I was purely exhausted after last semester that I procrastinated working on my thesis proposal and then rushed to get in for the deadline, I will admit it was not my best work. Then when I sat down with a potential thesis advisor she had a lot of concerns over my thesis it really left me questioning what I wanted to, and I felt completely drained. I have since that meeting sunk away not even wanting to touch my books and I have felt passionless. I have even thought about dropping out of school because I was so uncertain about what I wanted to do. So after I had some hard conversations with my parents I thought about postponing writing my thesis.

Today the thesis councilor emailed me and asked me about my progress and I responded...

I have been thinking it over and wondering if my topic is truly what I want to write about. I have also been wondering if I could possibly not do the class this Fall and do it in the Spring of 2014? I know was "professor" concerned I would be spending all Fall researching and not getting it completed before December. I feel I need more time going over secondary resources and through that figuring out the more if this is really the path I want to take, or what aspect more precisely I want to focus on. 

She responded...
I think it sounds like a good and sane plan to take the fall to do the preliminary research and secondary reading, and then to take the thesis writers' course in the spring. I suspect you will be happier writing your thesis when you have a stronger sense of the sources you will use and the questions you want to ask. This strikes me as a responsible decision.

It is amazing I feel such a relief. So I will not be graduating in December as I thought but in May, which I am totally okay with. I'd rather take my time and do good work than feel rushed and overwhelmed.

In the Fall I will be doing my internship and taking a children's librarian class. The children's librarian class is not apart of my track just something I am interested in and it will be good to see if this is another path.

Sorry if this all doesn't make sense, I am just happy to lessen my mental plate. I know this summer I just want to read novels and get some fun writing in.

I will keep you posted on all sorts of progress and changes in my life.