A Sap at Heart (part 2)

Hello Lovely Readers,

In my last edition of a Sap at Heart I wrote about how "...deep down I believe in soul mates, I believe you can find some one that compliments you so well it was as if you were made for each other..."

You know how in movies you see a guy do a romantic gesture... that makes your heart flutter and wish would happen to you and it never does. Take for example Heath Ledger in "10 Things I Hate about You" singing to Julia Stiles the song "Can't take my eyes off of you" (originally recorded by Frankie Valli). Now that is a big romantic gesture and while they are cool in movies... they might be embarrassing in real life. But even small romantic gestures... do guys realize how great they make the girl feel?As a single girl I am going to hope not because I feel like if they did, they would do them more often.

Take for example flowers...



I have a co-worker (not mentioning names) who had a birthday a bit ago and was so happy to get flowers from her boyfriend. From the little bit I gathered it seemed he didn't send her flowers very much but when she got them, she was over the moon. I had a guy co-worker who found out his girl friends favorite flowers were sun flowers and sent her a little vase of them to her when she was sick. And I remember being very much like "aw how cute." And I even liked my ex-boyfriend sent me flowers when I was having a horrible week and it made a big impression on me. 

But maybe I am just a sap and I like romantic gestures, but I don't think I am the only one. Actually the reason for this blog post is on Thursday night (a kind of warm night... warmish for Boston) I was walking home from work and I had this image that the guy I had a crush on was sitting on the steps of my apartment with a bouquet of flowers in his hands waiting for me to get home and ask me out. I realized this wouldn't happen at least not in real life. But I wanted it happen. I think it's because I watch too many romantic movies because even just while writing this I find myself thinking, even though I like the idea of romantic gestures, what I love most of all is having some one who will just hold my hand.

So if any guy is reading this find out what your girl wants/needs deep down to let her know you find her special and just do it. I think that is the most romantic gesture. 

A Thought for Thursday

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with my roommate last night.

If you have been reading my blog you might have seen a real emotional change from my post A Page From my Diary to now A Sap at Heart and you might be thinking 2 things (if you are thinking something else let me know). 1) What happened to make her change? or 2) She is not being real in her writing?

Well after writing my post "A Page from my Diary" I got some people concerned so at first I thought maybe I should delete that. Then I thought no.... this blog is titled "A Journey through Writing" and that is a part of my journey. So to delete would be false. While I still feel like some of my dreams are on the other side of the country from me, I have decided instead of sulking and moaning about it to enjoy the journey.

On the one hand I think it would be nice if God gave us straight roads and flat lands.

But I then again I have driven through parts of the country that are flat and there is usually not a whole a lot to see.

Even though I am not an outdoorsy kind of person.... I think mountains are way cooler.

And the roads to get up those mountains are loopy and sometimes you may not be able to see where you are going. But isn't what makes life fun... the unknown?

So maybe I can't get on a plane and fly to California to meet my dream (read "A Page from my Diary" for this to make sense), maybe I can't even drive there, maybe I have to walk there but I know one day I will get to the end even if that end is not what I imagine it to. I might just have to walk through a few valley's and mountains to get there.

So yes I am being real with you when I write about my obsession with sappiness, I have just decided to enjoy the journey that life is taking me on.



You can find these pictures on Pinterest

Right now I feel I am walking through a fog of not knowing really where I am going but I see lots of open roads ahead of me and soon the sun will come through and show me where I am suppose to be.

Hope you come a long the journey with me. 

A Sap at Heart

I was going to write and post this Tuesday but I had to get some actual work done..

Does any one still love Dawson's Creek?... Well even though I haven't watched it in years and my copy of the 4th season that I own is buried in my guilty pleasure pile, Monday night while I was procrastinating doing my homework I found my self watching sappy YouTube videos of Pacey and Joey. Yes I openly admit I like Pacey over Dawson. Basically what I am saying is I am a sap at heart.

I know most people will not be surprised when they read this but I kind of am...just writing it. I am sappy romantic person deep down. Some times I feel I try to be independent and tough on the outside. But deep down I believe in soul mates, I believe you can find some one that compliments you so well it was as if you were made for each other, and I can't wait till the day I walk down the aisle to the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

But I can wait because I know the Lord has it all planned out for me and I love being on this journey of seeing what God brings next to my life. I have no reason to doubt it, even though I might get upset and impatient, God has giving me so much...Boston, a great church, a great group of friends that are like family, a supporting family, and into the Grad school I have dreamt of going to since I moved to Boston. I have to remind myself when I get impatient or annoyed that he has given me so much why would he not take care of this too. So I am waiting and right now enjoying the life of a single girl.

Until then I think I will keep watching shows like Dawson's Creek, Gilmore Girls and reading books from Jane Austen or Jennifer Donnelly. Where I think the heros and heriones with all their flaws teach us to fight for love. And honestly that's the kind of fighter I want to be.


You can find all my pics at Pinterest

I will also be praying for my future husband and praying for our relationship that we will have together.


In case you were wondering this is my dream dress

A Pre-Weekend Post

Hello readers,

Usually I write about my weekends on Monday but I am starting this weekend with a pre-weekend post.

As you guys have probably gathered I have been captivated by the mini series Downton Abbey (I know a little late to the game). But I have decided to take my new love of this show and actually use it in class. What, how can this be? No I haven't switched studies to film or creative writing (though both very cool). I have decided when ever I am able to explore more into the Edwardian life style. Even though I love the romantic drama between Mary and Matthew it has been her sister Sybil that actually captures my attention. She is so independent and wants to change the world. (Don't worry I am not revealing anything from the second season).

Lilly Elsie (Edwardian Actress)
Lady Sybil (Downton Abbey)

So in my history class we have to take a secondary source's footnote and track down the primary source to back it up. My topic is going to be Edwardian women... I would really like to explore Edwardian women who do not get married and the up rising professional girls. 

For example why did women take on professions as librarians? As a future librarian and historian I'm really interested in how that became a woman's job (though I do have male class mates). Just a curiosity of how it is now primarily women. 

The Music Man

These are just some thoughts but I do hope to explore them more.... I mean after all one day I will have to write another thesis. Woo hoo!

A page from my diary

Found at Pinterst

I am writing probably more honestly about my emotions then I have ever written.

But I can't keep it bottled up inside any more.

I am burnt out.

Yes, I am juggling going to school and working a full time job,

which is wearing me out

but if that was all I could trudge through to winter break and rest then

but it's not.

In my life I have wanted to be many things

but my heart has only wanted to be two things

a wife and a mother.

I have placed so much time and energy thinking and dreaming about those two things

I lose my focus.

But right now I am no where those goals.

In fact they feel so far away from me that they might as well be in California.



Found at Pinterst

And I don't know what to do...

in fact I feel lost.

I feel all around me that people are getting the things I want

and as happy as I am

I wonder why not me?

I feel this lacking on my life drains me

like little drips from a leaky sink

Found at Flickr

I know, I know

you are going to tell me to "find my identity in Christ"

but is that it, is that all you have to say.

That's not enough.

What does it mean?

What do I do with that answer?

I feel like my pain was just pushed aside.

I need to know what that means, and how to do it.

I am not looking for rules or an A+B equation

just something that gives me more insight in to where I am to go from here.

Because right now I feel I have lost my way,

lost my path,

and my plan.

And I am not for sure where to go.

Thanks for reading.

Enjoy a Cup of Jo

Today during some idle time I found this posting about finding your soul mate on a blog I follow, Cup of Jo (click here)...
Remember that episode of Seinfeld when Jerry says that only 5 percent of the population is date-able? Elaine asks, "Then how are the other 95 percent getting together?" Jerry's response? "Alcohol." When I was single, I felt the same way...

It felt like I was meeting lots of people--but no one I really wanted to date. And the guys I did like already had girlfriends (or just weren't interested, sad). My mom kept telling me that I would definitely end up with someone fabulous and that I shouldn't worry so much. She said she was 100% sure and that it was normal to worry but that I didn't need to. But it was easy for her to say--she was already blissfully married! And I was already 28 (which felt old to me at the time!). Plus, New York seemed like the roughest place to date: You're always surrounded by models (seriously, honest-to-goodness perfect-skinned, long-legged, teeny-waisted, 6-foot-tall Ukrainian models), and the guys you meet seem to either be married or a little crazy.

For more click here
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My thoughts:

To begin with I actually don't watch Seinfeld all that much but I know my sister loves it so she probably remember it a lot better than I do.

"My mom kept telling me that I would definitely end up with someone fabulous and that I shouldn't worry so much." I feel the author on this one... my mom told me stories of all the boyfriends she had in high school and while I had a few crushes I only had one boyfriend so I often I felt my mom and I were just on different paths. I aslo remember she told me when she got married at 23 "she felt old enough to be married" when I was 23 I felt no where near old enough to be married. I just graduated college and I am still figuring out who I am. I sometimes feel when my friends talk about what they do and what I should do to (like savings, moving, or just dealing with life) that they all got invited to a "how to be an adult meeting" and my invitation must have gotten lost in the mail. (Of course I don't really want to duplicate my mom and dad's marriage since they got divorce). But I do wonder will I ever meet the one. All my married friends tell me thats normal but they can say that they are married.

She talks about how the city you live in might make an impact on the dating scene. I think my city does play a factor. First I grew up in Oklahoma where it is more normal to get married fresh out of college or soon afterwards, so I kind of have that pulling on my heart strings (making me think I should be getting married). But now I live in Boston where most people don't get married till they are in there 30s. Mostly because people here are so focused on their schooling and then their jobs. I feel a lot of people are focused on themselves and try to get everything put together before they think about marriage. If I have to have everything together for marriage... I don't think I will ever get married because I feel I will never have it all together.

She ends the post saying..."What's your relationship status? What are your dating worries? Do you ever worry that you're never going to find your soulmate?"

I am trying not to worry about my dating status. I am trying to remind myself...
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " (Jer. 29:11) and "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). I know and God knows the desires of my heart are to be married and be a mom... but I know it has to be in the Lord's time. Until then I get to enjoy single life where I can do what I want to do when I want.

Read it its a good post.

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes

The title comes from one of my favorite Disney cartoons Cinderella but this little free write comes from my office's quote of the week.

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.
-Leon J. Suenes.

When I read this I thought...What are my dreams?
The dream I am pursing right now is getting my Masters in Library Science and Masters in History. I guess physically the government is paying for it but I will be paying them back soon. But I guess in some ways I am paying for it. At least my body and brain are. Summer class hasn’t been so bad but spring was hard taking two classes and working full time come May I was wiped out. I was tired, I was mentally exhausted and I was always on the brink of tears (because of mental exhaustion). I guess that’s part of the price you pay.

Another dream I am living out is living in Boston. It has become my life but I remember when it was my dream. When I was younger I wanted to be a writer, I still do, but I thought working for movies. I was thinking about the dress I would wear when I hit the red carpet for my night at the Oscars. So I dreamed of going to UCLA or UCSB (University of California in Santa Barbra). I told then I would move to New York. Well my mom gave me some good advice “if you want to live on the east coast you should look at east coast schools”(okay that might be paraphrasing). So I did look at east coast schools. I begged my mom to buy Baron’s Profile of American Colleges and we can begin scouring colleges every where from Boston to Virginia. I thought about schools in New York but the city seemed too big too scary. Then my mom came to Boston during the 2004 play offs against the Yankees, I am not sure if was the excitement that filled the air because of that or what but I fell in love with the city. I looked at a few schools in Connecticut but Boston had captured my heart. So I applied to Simmons and Suffolk in Boston and my mom made me apply to Quinnipiac in Connecticut just in case but I wanted Simmons first and Suffolk second. I got into Suffolk (however I am going to Simmons now for grad school) and loved the idea of moving to the city, during my second visit to Boston I told my mom I was going to tie my self to a park bench so I wouldn’t have to leave. And in March I started a count down till I moved to Boston. I even wrote a persuasive speech to convince the students in my English class to move to Boston and for months it was all I talked about. So it was a big dream of mine to move to Boston and I have loved it for the most part. But I guess I pay for it, when I am lonely and miss my family. I pay for it because I don’t get to see my niece and nephew grow up as much I would like and there are moments I pay for it when I wish I could still climb into my mom or dad’s lap and cry on their shoulders. I cry over the phone but its not the same. But I guess those are just facts of life and I have to remember sometimes the dream of living here are worth the loses.

Okay that took a sad turn, I didn’t mean for this free write to be sad.

On the up side there are still dreams I still have yet to accomplish. I have two really big dreams one to become an author but I know I would not feel my life wasn’t complete if I wasn’t a wife and a mother. As a single girl I love thinking about being the stay at home wife who has dinner on the table when her husband comes home and I also like watching my married friends and learning from them what it is to be a good wife. There is a really funny quote from Gilmore Girls where Emily, the grandmother, describes her life as a canoe she is rowing a long and so his her husband and through each doing their own job they are making life work out. If you know the show this quote seems completely out of place for the character Emily but I like the idea of being a canoe. Right now I am more what Emily would describe a kayak. I know there are deeper things to describe how a marriage should be than a canoe but I like the image a lot. In that I also dream of being a mom. It might be a miss quote but in the movie The Perfect Score, Scarlett Johansson character describes the type of mom she wants to be one who doesn’t care about the title on her business card but being an actual mom (okay random quotes stick in my head). I see that as a way I would want to be and I love the real life examples I get from my sister, and the moms at my church I have gotten to know. That’s my biggest dream to be a wife and a mother and while I am still enjoying my single life it is something I look forward to and pray about.

I guess the next dream I have is to be an author. Which is why I started this blog, to keep me motivated about writing. I have written stories ever since I was little. The first journal I remember having my best friend in elementary school gave me, it was peach colored with a precious moments doll on the cover. The only problem is though I dream about stories I have yet to finish one. I also have a big problem with showing people my work. I am not a good speller and punctuation is not my strong point I am known for my run on sentences. And until this blog, though I would read my stories to my mom, I didn’t like people reading them. I am sure my younger sister does not remember this but one time we were at my brother’s soccer game and I let her read a story of mine and all she did was point out my spelling errors since then I didn’t like people reading my stories. I know when most people do things creatively they pour themselves into it and they expose themselves to vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable but if I want to be published I guess I will have to face people not liking my work.

More thoughts from A Hopeful Romantic

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.”

I like this quote from the movie Juno and as a single woman I guess that’s still what I am looking for. I am looking for some one who will love me no matter what. I like the way Carrie Bradshaw said it in Sex and the City show “I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient,consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

But lately I have wondered if my pursuit of love is actually wise. I have fallen into a pit many times I meet a guy we talk and I find out he is a christian and he is cute and I start to imagine myself in a relationship with him. I say “its just hard being single.” I am sure many single christian girls can relate, we see people in relationships and it just seems great and we want that. We want to be in a relationship and we want to get married. I also know as a girl we are told to let the guy pursue us so why we wait for the guy to pursue us we read christian dating book, articles on line, pray that the Lord will bring a guy in our lives, and probably the thing we do most is we talk to our girl friends not understanding why are still single. I am not writing that I have an answer I just know it has to be on God’s timing. And while God’s timing is perfect we often hate waiting for it. Then we get handed article that make it seem like if we did these 5 things we will get married and as my much wiser friend (who is married) is reminding me its not a formula its not A+B+C=husband. While that would be nice I know it doesn’t work that way. So I don’t have an answer to the “why I am still single?” question. If I did I would write a book and become a millionaire.

The only thing I can say is from experience and what my wiser friends have taught me. 1) Pray for your future husband, I like to write my prayers out and one day I can’t wait to show him all the prayers I prayed for him. 2) Don’t look at a Christian guy as a potential mate look at him as a brother in Christ (having this mind set as really helped me have long friendship with guys I look to as a brother). 3) Don’t make your pursuit of a relationship above all else. This is the reason I write this article. I am the first to admit it I watch sappy romance movies and read novels with a romantic plot line from Jane Austen to Jennifer Donnelly and Lori Wick ( I won’t say romance novels because that makes me think of novels in the grocery store that have men showing their chest and half naked women...these I won’t read). I have read the books“I kissed dating goodbye,” and “Boy meets girl” (both spoke to me in the time) I have also read “Captivating” and “Boundaries in Dating.” So I feel well read on both the secular and Christian side of dating. But that’s not the point. I am just saying with all that reading and watching that I would be ready for love. But deep down if I think about it I am not (no matter how badly I want to be). I am not ready because I put that pursuit as a first priority in my life. I mean I go to work and school, I am not just spending all day at a singles bar looking for a mate but mentally I do (even in writing this). I some times feel if I was in a relationship I would feel complete and that’s ridiculous. Mostly because any one who I date would be flawed and how can I expect a flawed person complete me, the only one who can complete me is the one who is un-flawed. And there is only one who fits that description. And right now I need to focus on following His will and doing what he says. And one day if He wants to He will bring a man into my life. I look forward to that day. But I first I need to put my completion in what He says and how He thinks and not in an idea of a relationship. So my advice to other single girls while you might feel your life will be complete as soon as you get a ring on your finger it won’t and it has taken me a while to admit that to myself. And even harder for me to live in that mindset. But I keep praying every time I feel I am close to that pit fall.

I am not even sure I am right in my thinking or how things will turn out. I will keep you posted.

So while I am still a very hopeful romantic I am in the waiting phase of life and while I wait I am going to try to do “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need” (Matthew 6:33 NLT). And in this I will hand over my love life to the Lord and know he will guide me in the ways he want me to live. I will rest in these verses...

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope...” Jer. 29:11.

I am not writing as if I have the answers, I don’t I just have a clue into how my life should be.

More personal blogs from me From a Hopeful Romantic and A Casual Gaze .