Awh Grad School

I would like to blame the fact that I haven't written in a year on the fact I have been in grad school but the truth is I have only been in grad school for a month. I have been filling up notebooks of story starters but I have yet to finish one.

This morning I got to work, way too early for me and I wasn't quite ready to start my day so I found this blog I haven't written in forever and decided to look at the blogs I used to follow when I made time for it. I sat at my desk sipping on my coffee reading these blogs and realized I do miss writing. Even though I write papers and read text books I miss writting for fun and having that creative flow again. My life isn't very creative now. I wake up go to work, where I work in accounting/processing, then I go to class two nights a week or go home and do homework. Its pretty much the same day in and day out. But I do need to do something creative or I think I will go crazy.

A beginning... The continuation of the story

A beginning- summer 1908

There was a time when we were all happy and innocent to the ever changing world. As children we could all be who ever we wanted to be and we didn't have to follow the rules of society. Back then it didn't matter if Parker was the heir to Norse Castle and was best friends with Ethan who was the son of Norse Castle's head cook. The gang of children would spend our summers in the Back Woods wading in the winding creek that divided Norse Castle and Southerton Greens. I remember it was here we could be a thousand miles away from everything or every one with only our dreams to play out.

My brother Marcus, who was then thirteen years old had stolen the copy of father's atlas and had perched himself on the large rock we had called the Captain's Throne. Marcus claimed that if one stood on this rock one could see all the way to the next county. He and Parker would stand on the rock proclaim that one day would see the whole world. I was seven and at that time standing on the rock I could only see the dense trees of the Back Woods that surrounded me and I felt sure at that time I would never want to leave Southerton. But Marcus made it very clear one day he would get off that rock, head down to London where a train or boat could take him any place he wished to be. Today however in the middle of summer the boys were much too young to leave their tiny bit of England. The boys or "the explorers" as they called themselves were Marcus Harrington, Parker Welford, and Ethan James and all of them sat admiring the new atlas our father had brought back from London two weeks ago.

Our new atlas was stiffed leather bound, with clean cut pages that had gold trimming on them. I admired the book for its grand appearance. The boys admired the book for the new country lines that had been drawn since the last atlas was published.

"Every day people are discovering new lands, and we can be the next ones," Marcus spoke daringly to his comrades.

Laurel, who had tried to climb the rock in her mint green dress and her flower pinned hat, could not make it up to stare at the pages the boys had been entranced with. She could barely see the pages through the tiny cracks the boys had between their arms. Laurel had always wanted to be a part of "the explorers" but could not manage a way to keep up her modesty and be an explorer. Laurel was then eleven and was at the age mother said "she had to practice her delicacy." I was still fortunate to be young enough to trump around climbing rocks or to swim in the creek and right then I hoped I would never have to practice my delicacy. If Laurel had truly wanted to be a part of the explorers she would have hiked up her dress and climbed on top of the Captain's Throne and prove to herself and the boys she could be just as tough as them. But the truth is Laurel didn't really care about being an explorer she only cared about catching a glimpse from Ethan who seemed to have captured her heart in early spring. She had done all she could to make Ethan love her. That morning she had spent two hours primping herself for our daily hour or so in the Back Woods. She had made sure every curl was in place and even put on mother's rouge and mother's perfume. Sadly though at that time I think Ethan cared two straws about Laurel and I had heard him snicker about how the rouge made her look like a clown and the perfume made him want to chop off his nose.

Fortunately for Laurel mother would never notice some missing items as she and father were off yet again to Scotland for a short holiday and were not due back for another fortnight. They had left the day after father came home from finishing his business in London. We were always at the care of Nanny Mugabe who every day after lunch took a long nap and expected us to do the same. Instead as soon as the weather turned warm us Harrington kids would run all the ways to the Back Woods not stopping for any breath. It was here and only here we found solitude and we grasped at it every chance we got.

Besides Ethan's harsh jokes I overheard Ethan barely noticed Laurel that day because of father's atlas and Laurel was left to her own devices of picking wild flower petals to determine Ethan's feelings. A waist of a good flower I thought. Maybe because I was younger I couldn't understand why my sister liked a boy especially when it was so clear he did not like her. Ethan James, actually had a crush on Susan Sedley, who was once a friend of Laurel's but that friendship was dissolved when Laurel found out Ethan, kissed Susan at the May Day fair. Of course Laurel didn't hear the fact that after the kiss Susan gave him two hard slaps. But for the past few weeks Laurel had heard nothing of Susan from Ethan and that made her hope he could like her. I quietly laughed at Laurel's behavior and how idiotic it all seemed.

The only boy in our gang who was not involved in the explorers club was Kelby James, who for a year older than me took much more an interest in fine works of literature than exploring distant lands. I didn't want to be an explorer either; I wasn't old enough to think about one day leaving Southerton. It had been a part of our family since King Charles the second. It wasn't anything grand compared to Norse Castle that had been built in the days of Queen Elizabeth but it was a prized estate. One that I in my small age still found nooks I could hide in for hours. My ancestors took Southerton Green from a lonely country home used as a hunting lodge of the third cousin of King Charles to its grandest scale being built in modern architecture when Napoleon was emperor. My Grandfather Harrington used to tell me of the grand days that seemed forgotten by everyone. I promised him I would recapture the grand days and bring them back to Southerton. Of course by 1915 I would learn of the Harrington finical destitution and would know to become once the grand family we used to be would be utterly hopeless. But right then in 1908 I thought no family could be better off than us Harrington's at Southerton Greens with a house in London and a mining factory in Wales.

"Fiona! I want to play!" My little sister Gloria called from the banks of the creek.

Gloria, my younger sister, who was then four, still, had her baby fat including puffy cheeks and stubby legs. No one seeing her then would realize she would become England's high class model by the time she was sixteen. She would always long for adventure but she would be kept from it mostly because of her age.

"I am not playing!" I yelled back to her.

I was panning the stream for gold. My legs were up to their knees in icy water soaking most of the skirt of my dress. My dress turned from a soft blue to an ugly brown as the mud splashed on me. I was bent over with one of cook's pie pans scrapping the bottom sand hoping to find any sign of gold. In one of our history lessons we had learned about the California Gold Rush of 1849 and I had hoped that our creek could be lined with gold but no one had ever dared to see. I knew why no one dared to look the water was almost a numbing cold and their seemed to be little success no matter how long you looked. Grandfather Harrington told me you just can't read history you must act on it, looking back on it I doubt standing in a creek is what he meant but at seven years old you could still have silly adventures.

"Fiona! I want to play!"
"No you can't, mother says you can't come in the creek."
"Please!"
"Laurel, you have to take care of Gloria," I pleaded.
"No! You promised you would do all my chores and one of them is caring for Gloria when mother is away."
"But," I moaned.
"Do want me to tell mother you broke the China rose teapot?"

I wasn't trying to break the teapot. I grumbled to myself that I really didn't think it was my fault that Pippin came running through the room as I was trying to host a tea party for my doll who I pretend was Queen Victoria. But apparently I broke the teapot and Laurel being the only witness to the incident had blacked me into doing her chores for a month. Years later I would find out Laurel told mother anyway but mother did not punish me because she hated that tea pot. The China rose tea pot was Grandma Harrington's and passed down to us but mother had always hated it and was glad when it was broken. If I had known that then I would never put up with Laurel's behavior.
Laurel finally noticed that my dress had become soaked and practically ruined with mud stains.

"What are you doing?" She yelled to me.
"Panning for gold like they did in California,” I said back.

Hearing this Ethan chimed in "there is no gold in that creek and if there was Lord Welford would have already dug it up."

"What does my father need with little rocks no bigger than finger nails? Fiona girl, if you find any gold you can keep it." Parker said pretending to stick up for his father, who was known in Parliament as being one of the cheapest Lords in the House. Penny and Pence Welford, I had once heard father call Lord Welford in one of his fights with mother.

“I agree with Ethan," Laurel said "there is no gold in that creek and you have ruined your dress for something that doesn't exist. Now get out of that creek and act like a lady."

By now all attention was shared between me standing in the creek, Laurel standing on the grassy patch of the creek bank, and the boys watching us fight up on Captain's Throne. No one had noticed at that moment Gloria had made her way into the creek and was getting to the point the water was close to her shoulders. None but Kelby James, who had been lying in the grass enjoying a bit of warm sun and strawberries to his delight. Kelby had seen Gloria make her way into the creek and slip on rock, going under quietly without a gasp or splash to get our attention. A large splash got our attention as we turned to see Kelby jumping in to pull Gloria out of the water. In slow motion I watched Kelby grab her out, laying her limp body lie across her arms as he ran to Norse Castle.

"See what you've done," Laurel pushed me "Gloria could have died, and it would be all your fault."

"My fault?"

"Yes. You were supposed to watch her."

"Well you’re older!" I pointed out the obvious but it was all I could do to defend myself.

"You promised you would do my chores. Why can't you just grow up?"

"Girls! Stop being such nit wits, arguing will not help!"Ethan yelled over us to quiet us down. "We should make sure Gloria is all right," he said a little calmer.

We both knew he was right and we both lowered our heads as the boys passed by us to run after Kelby.

Without thinking Kelby took Gloria to his mother, Mrs. James. Mrs. James would know what to do; she was the type of woman who knew everything. She was a cook, a seamstress, and a midwife if she was needed. Mrs. James always kept a calm head when things got nerve racking to the rest of us. No one at Southerton would have known what to do and they would have sent a telegram to mother and father before calling a doctor. But Kelby's instincts were right going to Norse Castle for Mrs. James jumped right into action when she saw Kelby busting through the kitchen door. She quickly cleared off the work bench and made a bag of flour a pillow and her apron Gloria's blanket while Kelby fetched for a large towel. She pulled out what seemed to be a magic concoction and poured barely a drop down Gloria's throat. I could see all that was happening as Parker pushed Laurel and me into a corner to prevent us from getting in Mrs. James' way.
But then we heard it. A wonderful, pitiful, sore cough coming from behind Mrs. James' body. Gloria had woken up and now was coughing up all the water she had swallowed.

I remember clearly Laurel taking a deep breath and putting her arm around me. As if at that moment all our fight was over and we would be happy from this time forth. Looking back on it I am sad to say our fighting did not cease and we were not always happy. I could tell the story otherwise but I want this to be as accurate as possible.

The End

It is funny how we picture our lives are going to be when we grow up. As children we see ourselves falling in love, getting married, having children and during all these dreams we see smiles on our faces as if in life we will always be happy. I pictured Kelby and I sitting in a little flat, with a fire roaring, he would be sitting in a chair and I would be by his knee. I never pictured my life like this.

My dearest,

I have ordered us a simple state room on the Northern Star Liner it leaves from Liverpool on Monday. We will sail to New York as man and wife and no one can stop us. I promise. Meet me at the Euston station for the 6:15 train to Liverpool. I will be waiting to take you into my arms and away from all things long ago.

All my Love,

K.J

I had never imagined I would be engaged to one man nearly twenty years my elder and being forced to run away with the man I loved. I had also never imagined love would cause so many nervous knots to form under my belly button.

It had been a week since I had heard from Kelby but the plan was in motion I could feel it. I looked the letter once again then folded it up and slipped it into my white cotton glove. For the last week in August I felt a slight chill or maybe I just shivered from the excitement. Either way I had to act confident and brave of I was ever going to pull this off.

“Name?” the ticket master asked.

“Fiona James,” I was happy to say without hesitation.

“Well Mrs. James,” he said noticing the little tin ring with a piece of glass in it. This was the ring that had replaced Lord Welford’s gold band with the large ruby. “Here is your ticket.”

“Thank you,” I said softly blushing at the fact he called me Mrs. James.

I looked down and read.

August 25, 1919

Euston to Liverpool

I took a deep breath. It was all beginning.

“Have a good trip,” after that he didn’t pay me any attention.

I walked directly to platform three as directed. I had expected and hoped Kelby would be there with his arms crossed, acting as if he was mad at me that I was running late. But he wasn’t there at all. I sat down my small suit case which held two delicately pressed dresses and my porcelain doll Camilla Jane and decided to wait.

I didn’t know what time it was when I left the house. I was so nervous the whole night I hardly slept a minute, when the first but of sun came into my room I quietly got out of bed tip toed down the stairs and snuck out of Laurel and Parker’s house. I walked briskly down to Kensington High Street before I called a cab, hoping I hadn’t woke any one up, least of all Hilde, Laurel’s new pup. My heart pounded with the thought Kelby and I would be half way to Liverpool before they notices I was gone. This journey could not have been better planed as Laurel and Parker had been out late at Lord Chamberlin’s ball and they would sleep till noon. I told Laurel I hadn’t been feeling well, she said it was just nerves but thought it best for me to rest as much as possible.

“Lord Welford would want a bright and chipper bride,” she would say with a good laugh.

Laurel, my older sister by four years, was so different than me sometimes I felt I barely knew her. She took after mother in both actions and looks. Having stark black hair with emerald eyes and perfectly defined cheek bones. She had become Mrs. Parker Welford almost two years and would be the next inheritor of the Lordship title and Norse Castle. Laurel used to not care about riches or having fine jewels and minks to wear but that was before Ethan died. Now society teas, grand balls, and theater going were all she thought about. I guess I give my sister too little credit before the war, before our father’s poverty was known Laurel had always felt entitled to the best in life and I never did. I would miss her I told myself.

Maybe in a few years Kelby and I could return to England. We would show mother and father how well we were and she would accept us into the family. Surely by then Lord Welford would find somebody else to love and marry and he would be happier with her than he would ever be with me. Then somehow we would be a family again, a little patched together but a family none the less. It was a nice little dream but I didn’t tell Kelby about it. Kelby dreamed of a life in Americas and never thought of coming back. He claimed we would make a new life and a new family for ourselves. It would be a family that accepted all the parts of us, they wouldn’t try to push us apart and they certainly wouldn’t make us marry people we didn’t love.

“Who needs these old sticklers, it’s a new era, a new world, and we are going to embrace it,” he said to me the night he proposed.

The station clock chimed in the six o’clock hour. Fifteen minutes before the train would leave and Kelby still wasn’t there. I took the note from its hiding spot and read it once again to give myself a little reassurance. Then fiddled with my ring in a nervous habit realizing how much time had passed.

I hear Kelby’s voice “That ruby would have fetched a fair price.”

“I know,” I say to Kelby even though he’s not really her.

I would have always felt guilty about stealing a ring from a man I never intended on marrying. I shouldn’t have taken it in the first place, I tell myself. Mother would have been raving mad had I not accepted Lord Welford’s ring. Of course what would she say when she finds it lying on my pillow. I took a big break I couldn’t care right then about mother’s reaction. Mother didn’t care about me when she promised me to Lord Welford when she knew I was in love with Kelby.

The looming sense of time hung over me, and I began to worry Kelby might not show up.

He had to show up I couldn’t travel to America by myself. It was his idea. He promised we would have a new life. I would no longer be the penniless daughter of a once fine gentleman bound to marry Lord Welford. He would no longer be the Lord Welford cook’s son with two shillings to his name. Kelby said in America, they didn’t have a stupid caste system that held people in their places, he said in America people could be anything they wanted to be. No one cared who you were only what you made of yourself. He had to come it was his stupid dream. My whole body could feel I was holding back tears. I was nervous now that Kelby wouldn’t come. I would have to return home and I would have to marry Lord Welford.

“He is probably buying you flowers,” I told myself to keep calm.

“Can I take your luggage, Lady?” a porter asked.

He looked as if he was twelve and had an eager smile with some rosiness in his cheeks.

“No thanks,” I whisper.

“I promise to put in on the right train, where you heading?”

“I’m not quite sure.” To be honest I thought of returning home.

“Well where you want to go?”

“Just away,” I said shortly hoping he would leave me alone.

“Any par-tic-lar direction,” he stumbled over the word particular trying to sound genteel but his accent was sure to slip out.

“Marcus, stop bothering that young lady and go help Timothy on platform five,” an older man shouted.

“Yeah, Yeah Mr. Gibbs.” I handed the boy a five pence then he slipped away.

“Sorry about that,” the conductor said walking up to me.

“It’s all right. Is there another train to Liverpool today?”

“None that would get you on time to switch at Stafford to catch Monday’s boat.”He said it so clearly as if he could read my thoughts. “Do you need to exchange your ticket?” he asked.

“Not yet,” I said hoping that Kelby would show up in time.

“Have a good trip Miss,” he said and tipped his hat once again to say goodbye.

The station was full of people all who had passed by me unnoticeably except for those two. The boy must have been confused by my new dress thinking he could get a good tip out of me but really I had no more than a few shillings in my purse. Nothing of sustaining wealth, I thought. But I could not get over the fact how much the boy looked like Kelby with those deep ocean blue eyes, scruffy brown hair and that eager smile. And the fact he had the same name as my older brother left me with a pain in my heart. I wish I could have said goodbye to Marcus, he will think I have just abandoned him.

Poor Marcus once a brave and adventurous solider protecting his homeland from the German Huns, is now left to spend his days pacing Southerton Green. I remember the day he returned from war his eyes that had once glittered had now faded, he didn’t smile or dream of adventure, and he barely spoke two words. In fact the only time I saw him at peace was when I played the soft lullaby mother had long ago taught me.

It was all due to that war. It was the reason our lives had changed. There was once a time Laurel was happy to have a daisy necklace instead of pearls. And there was once a time Marcus wouldn’t have stopped talking about exploring the deep forests of Africa but now no words came out. Kelby had promised to take me away from all the pain but I didn’t want to leave the good memories behind too. I would have to come back I told myself, to tell Marcus I love him, to climb the trees of the back woods once again and to hold on to what was good about this world.

“ALL ABOARD!”The conductor yelled.

He wasn’t coming. I could feel it now. My heart sank. How could he leave me to do this on my own. I looked back at the ticket counter was it too late for me to exchange my ticket, walk back into Laurel and Parker’s house, and hope no one had noticed. I looked forward down the platform to the engine of the train had already started to blow some steam. Could I really marry Lord Welford? Could I really go all the way to New York City by myself? Could I start a new life? I didn’t know how to answer these questions.

“ALL ABOARD!”

“Kelby where could you be? Why did you not come? I can’t leave knowing you are here.”

“You must,” another voice inside my head said pushing me a long. “You have to go for him and for you.”

“You need to get on the train Miss,” the older man the boy called Mr. Gibbs said as he saw me standing there in frozen thoughts.

“He didn’t come,” I mumbled to him “He promised me he would come.”

My whole body shook.

“I am sorry Miss but you need to get on the train.”

“He didn’t come,” I said more violently in my head than out loud.

“I am sorry Miss,” he pushed my luggage into my hand.

I look back one more time at the ticket counter and the doors beyond that. Nothing but pure nerves is telling me to return home. My heart and my mind were telling me to run far away.

“LAST CALL!”

I heard that and something snapped, I hold on tightly to my luggage and take off down the platform. I weave my way in and out of the people until I find the car I belong in. Throw my luggage up on the train and the conductor takes my hand to help me into the car.

“Glad you made it,” the conductor said through his walrus like mustache.

“Me too,” I said slightly relieved and slightly sick.

As I sit down in my seat my tears mix with the soft laugh I am trying to hold in. I couldn’t believe what I had just done. There was no turning back I said to myself. There was no plan from this moment on, I was going to do it all on my own, all by gut instinct. As far as I could tell not having a plan was the way things should be.

I had planned to marry Kelby. Mother had planned for me to marry Lord Welford. Marcus had planned to explore Africa and Laurel had planned to be happily married to Ethan. From the looks of it if one made plans one had to change plans. Not having plans meant nothing had to change. It meant no heart ache or loneliness. It meant only freedom. And for the first time in my life I felt completely free.

It is funny how we picture our lives are going to be when we grow up. As children we see ourselves falling in love, getting married, having children and during all these dreams we see smiles on our faces as if in life we will always be happy. I pictured Kelby and I sitting in a little flat, with a fire roaring, he would be sitting in a chair and I would be by his knee. I never pictured my life like this.

I went to the library a couple of days ago to work on my story. I finished typing what I think will be my first chapter and will have it up here soon.