Friday, October 24, 2014

moving on, holding on

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I can easily do this
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I saw this pin today and I found it just found it reassuring. I don't want to go into too much detail because it is personal and as much as I don't mind sharing personal things about my life, I don't like intruding on someone else's privacy. Anyway during the month of July I was a dating a guy, and in my naive way I could almost picture him being "the one." But we ended things because we saw our lives going different ways.

Anyway, when I am alone thinking did I make a mistake walking away to soon? And just feeling super alone and sometimes I hold my phone with his number up and I just want to text him to say "hello" and that I miss him. But I don't, I never do. I have told this to my friend and my mom and they say that is strong or "emotionally sturdy". However, I don't feel strong or sturdy... I feel weak and still a little heartbroken.

I never text him 1) because I honestly don't know what I would say 2) I know I need to move on 3) I don't believe we have changed and we would be in the situation we were in when things ended... so what's the point. So I push the "hangup" button and take a deep breath. 

But going back to the top picture, I found this pin and it reminded me to be true to myself... I know I shouldn't need a pin to remind myself of that. However, sometimes a little reminder is good.  

I know this post might sound a bit pathetic and I am sorry for that. I hope that in writing this pathetic post someone who is going through the same feelings as me will know they are not going through it alone. 

To end this post on slightly positive note... here are some good quotes about love and relationships (thanks Hello Giggles


“Once you’re back on your feet – if you ever make it back on your feet – that’s the ultimate achievement. I remember I was in New York at the Trump Hotel and I woke up and I just knew I was over it. It was a different day. I felt different. I didn’t feel lonely. I felt like I wanted to get up and be in the world. That was a great, great feeling.”- Rihanna

Anyway this hopeful romantic keeps hoping and keeps believing in love. Typing that I feel a lot like Gennifer Goodwin in He's Just not That into You. 
Pardon the language
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Monday, October 13, 2014

FINALLY reading Harry Potter

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I am a little late to the party... Actually with all the books published and all the movies out I am probably not just a little late to the party, my invitation probably got lost in the mail.

You might be wondering what took me so long to get to reading these book...

1) when the books came out I was in 8th grade and was escaping to Jane Austen and honestly couldn't imagine that books about wizards would be interesting... maybe a bit book snobbish.

2) Harry Potter was actually preached from the pulpit that it is of the devil and I know certain people would look down on me for reading them.

3) I originally thought that I wouldn't give them a chance until after grad-school.

What has changed?

People might still look down on me for reading them... but that shouldn't stop me from trying something. Also so many of my Christian friends have read them and rave about them and one of my strongest friends they have a strong Christian message. So I took this under consideration, but it was still on my to read after grad-school list... well as much as I love my historical novels I just felt I needed a little escape from history. Plus my roommate has all the novels, so nice easy access.

I will say as a wanna-be-writer, I like seeing how other writers write... and while some of my more literary friends might critique this book as being a bit juvenille in writing I actually liked it because it sounded like a 12 year old, which Harry is. And I am quite impressed with J.K. Rowling for imagining the world of Hogwarts.

However, saying that I have one critique one it was hard for me to imagine the world (but is probably my own problem because I have never read anything like Harry Potter) and because of this I face two problems: one it took me more effort to understand truly what was going on; also I didn't get attached to the characters. There was one part of the book that made my roommate's heart break and I was more like "eh"... or maybe I just have a heart of stone.

Even with this critique I am intrigued enough to read the second book... but first I am going to watch the first movie, so I can visualize it better.

Also because the books and movies have already been out and because there has been so much posting about on social media (mostly for me Pinterest) have been ruined. Supposedly it was a surprise that Harry, Ron and Heromine all become friends.

My sister saw that I was reading this and asked me if it was the best thing ever, because that is how everyone talks about it. To that I just shrugged my shoulders. (Sorry Potter heads.)

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Wednesday, October 1, 2014

From My Thesis Cave... Part 2


I am not sure how many parts of "from my thesis cave" there will be... I like to keep you guys (who ever is reading this) up to date on my life but right now my life feels like my thesis.

Right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed, I felt I was doing on my progress about thesis almost to the point of being cocky (sorry if I came off that way). Well I had a thesis advising meeting and she kind of told me I had done my historiography all wrong... BIG GULP! Well so let me get back to the drafting board. It is a set back but I am not going to let it get to me. I have changed into my yoga pants and flannel shirt (a frequent writing outfit), sipping on some tea, and taking a breath as I begin again. 

Any way, in this overwhelmed moment I thought it would be good to list things I am looking forward to once this thesis is over... 

1.Just being done will be so great- This thesis has kind of been a dark cloud hanging over me and once it is done I think I will just feel more free.
When this is true... it will feel so good
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Chuck!
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2. Watching mindless television. Is it sad that I am looking forward to this? I mean I do treat myself to episodes of Chuck and I watch some TV with my roommate but sometimes I feel guilty for not working on my thesis even when I am brain dead. 

3. Reading fun books. Another thing I do treat myself to... but mostly to keep my sanity in this time. But  I am looking forward to reading more book and at my own pace and not having to put down fun books because I have work to do.


4. Writing my story... As much as I would love work more on my story "The Grand Days" (working title) I feel I really have no energy for it. 

5. On a more serious note...I look forward to finding my passion. While I have been in school, especially more as I have been facing the end of school, I have felt a stirring that I am not living out on my faith. Looking back on the past few years the last time I felt truly passionate about something was when I was preparing to go to Honduras and doing Living Water work. I keep praying God to guide my steps and help me follow my faith (though I am not sure what that looks like). I would like the freedom to explore this idea more...Probably not full time ministries, but being open to trips and opportunities.  

In Honduras at the well sight


From outside thesis cave: When I was meeting with my advisor she said for my historiography (as analogy) "I need to stop eating the cookies and think about how they were made." I started laughing because it reminded me of the FRIENDS episode where Monica is trying to discover Phoebe's Grandmother's secret recipe of chocolate chip cookies. That is what a Historiography is... it breaks down past research, the way research was done, and how research on my topic has changed or progressed. 
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That's all for now... back to thesis cave.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Escapism in writing

I wish looked this poised when I wrote
As promised in my post "Writer's confession... I am a bad writer" I was going to post more about my story. Lately I have had some feelings of wanting to be "anywhere but here"... I don't know why because my life feels like it is going well. I have moved into my new apartment and it already feels more like home than my last place. But I think spending some time with my story will help not only stay sane during this crazy time of working on my thesis and will allow me enough escapism it will fulfill my want to runaway. Don't worry Boston friends I have no thoughts to actually runaway... but a little escapism is good for the soul. 

So I am escaping into my creative writing...

How I picture Lady Adelaide
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Lady Adelaide was beyond kind to the girls, she had brought down all the dolls from the nursery for Gloria to play with, and she searched the library for books she thought would interest Mattie. They ranged from in poetry of Keats to Shakespeare, and my favorite of Jane Austen. She also brought down some Dickens and an author Mattie had yet heard of Henry James. Lady Adelaide explained he was an American who had come over to England at the turn of the century and wrote novels commenting on society.

            "I read them when I first came here and found them very useful to help me navigate the ropes of London society."

Mattie enjoyed taking in the knowledge of America, she couldn't really even imagine what it must be like. Even though Mattie knew it was a completely different country she did wonder how the customs could be so different, but the way Lady Adelaide spoke it seemed completely foreign to her. Mattie also simply couldn't picture how Lady Adelaide, with her sweet demeanor and genteel spirit, would have any society. But Mattie did enjoy hearing the stories of Lady Adelaide's first season in London.

            "Mother always talks about the season as if it is the most glorious time in the whole year, but I can hardly imagine it. I doubt I will have such a grand time."

            "Of course you will. I will make sure of it. You are too good to be a wall flower for your own presentation."

            "But to be surrounded by strangers all the time, I do not think I could handle it."

            "I will be there," Lady Adelaide patted Mattie's hand. "I will hold your hand the whole time and introduce you the finest people. Make sure you have only the best partners. It will be perfect."

            "It is still years away."

A presentation
            "Well then all the more to prepare you. I remember my own presentation. My mother had quickly made friends with Lady Cumnor and she was my escort to many events. My mother had custom order my dress from Charles Worth and with more silk than I had ever worn and such delicate beading, I felt like a princess. In fact I met then King that night, well he was the Prince of Wales then, but his grandeur was awestriking."

            "You met the King?" Mattie was in wonder.

            "Yes he was quite regal, everything a prince should be. He had such a way about hi that made you feel as if you are the only person in the room though he is always surrounded by a rather large entourage."

            "I cannot imagine what I would say to him. I would probably so tongue tied I would not be able to say a word."

            "You would thing that but oddly when you are with him while you are in his presence of such greatness you also feel completely at home. At least I did, when we danced."

            "I hardly think he would notice me. I am a little nothing."

 It had been a week a since Lady Adelaide told Mattie that she was beautiful, but Mattie treasured these words. She was probably the only person to call Mattie beautiful and how Mattie had felt a blush when Lady Adelaide had said it. It wasn't that Mattie was not good-looking, but for most of her life she was never told those words. Her mother had always doted on Daphne's loveliness and Gloria's darling looks. Mattie just skipped in the background and for the most part she wanted it that way. She had gotten used to the notion that her looks were plain and that nothing really distinguished her. Though no one had come right out and told her she was plain, she had hard time believing she had any true beauty.

The next day Mattie was on her way to Lady Adelaide but Mrs. Gardner stopped her. Usually Lady Adelaide sent her motor for Mattie but today Mattie wanted to walk and pick wildflowers for Lady Adelaide. She had told Mattie on a visit that wildflowers were her favorite and with the weather being so fair this summer the country provided many options. Mrs. Gardner would not let Mattie leave as word had Ripon that Mr. and Mrs. Harrington would be home within the hour. Mrs. Gardner was certain that they would be disappointed if Mattie was not home. Mattie doubted her mother and father would even notice her presence.

Father had his eyes on Marcus. He was the heir and father had great plans to set him up in the family business of the mill. It did not matter to father that Marcus had no intention of following his footsteps. Marcus was the heir and that was that.
            
How I imagine Mattie
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Mother had eyes for Daphne as she was the charmer of the family and they all knew for the family to rise any sort of way she would have to make a superb match. Even though Daphne was only fifteen these plans were set in stone. Mattie ever wondered if it ever broke Daphne's heart knowing whatever Shane did he would never be considered to be a suitor for Daphne. Daphne's dreams of being Mrs. Shane Gray would never come true that was just a simple reality. Mother also gave some attention to Gloria as she was the baby of the family and the miracle child. Even with her baby fat it was obvious she would be a beauty as well. Though mother doted on her at seven years old mother still saw her as a bit of nuisance as she could not carry on a conversation of great importance and she was just beginning her lessons in music and French. Nevertheless, whenever mother had friends over they always found Gloria quite enjoyable and that kept Gloria in mother's good graces. It is a woman's duty to be a mother rather they had the loving hand to do it was not always certain.
            
Mattie was neither the heir, the beauty, or the baby and often thought she had no place at Southerton Greens except to be pleasant when noticed, invisible when not, and agreeable in both situations. Mother did give Mattie a kiss on the cheek when she said hello and father patted her on the head as if Mattie was a good puppy. Then they disappeared until before dinner. Mattie doubted they would have noticed her absence and she longed to be at Cranston Court where Lady Adelaide would be sitting alone. 


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