Friday, August 15, 2014

Taking some time to reflect

From previous post... the last we were all together in May
Sadly we did not take a picture this time
In my last post Blogging Break  I wrote how I was feeling burnt out and how I was out of words to write... well that was and sort of true. Not to dish all my private information on a blog but I had just ended a relationship (and while it was a short one it is hard to walk away from it and when I wrote that post it was hard to even think of what to do or say but I had to walk away).
Left pic: E and I in hospital
Right pic: E at home feeling much better 

So after this I was so happy to have this vacation to look forward to... well it wasn't the vacation my sister and I had planned. My nephew had to have surgery because of a neck infection. So he spent 5 days in the hospital and I was at home taking care of my niece while both my sister and brother-in-law were spending time in the hospital. It was a hard week because the doctors kept giving conflicting messages about rather or not he would not need surgery or when he would be released. One doctor told them on Monday he wouldn't be released till Saturday while another was saying in a day or two. I was on the sidelines while I was taking care of my niece but I could tell it was a big struggle for my sister and brother-in-law. Personally I was happy to be so busy I didn't have to focus on what I had just left behind in Boston.
One on one time with niece was awesome.
Well then sadly vacation had to end and now I am back in Boston... and life hit me before I even took off on my flight home. I have a lot on my mind... my upcoming move (which I am excited about living with my friend I just hate moving), some expenses that seem to never go away, my thesis and some other things. 

As I posted on my Blogging Break post I have been reading through passages on the word trust. That has been hard topic to take in. As much as I think I trust in God, I still worry and I still get anxious over little things. I am currently re-reading The Princess by Lori Wick and there is a section about worrying. Prince Nikolai is worried about his marriage to Shelby and at the same time his pastor is giving a sermon on worrying and calling it a sin. The pastor says "When we worry we say to God 'I can't trust You. You're not doing Your job, so I'm going to step in and take over'"(p. 134). Then today in my quiet time I was reading Luke and I read Luke 12:22-34, where Jesus warns about worry (isn't it amazing when things like this all come together.) I think God is really trying to tell me to let go of my worries and truly trust in him. 

In Matthew 6:25-34 (similar passage to Luke) Jesus says "Are not much more valuable than they?" "They" are the birds of the air who do not sow or reap but yet God takes care of them. He is saying then won't God take care of you if you are more valuable to God than birds. Yes... of course! I believe that God will take care of me so why do I worry, why do I let myself get consumed with worry... I am honestly not for sure. Maybe it is human nature to worry, but I don't want my worrying to get in the way of my walk with God or let it block me from awesome things in life. So since worrying comes as a second nature to me... this might be a life long struggle but I hope to get better at it as I go. 

With these thoughts in mind and others... I want to keep writing but I don't know if I can be as consistent as I tried to be this summer. But don't worry I will come back I love writing and in writing I find peace.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Blogging Break

Saw my family in May... happy to get to see them so soon again.

Hello Lovely Readers,

I am about to go on vacation to see some family and it could not have come at a better time... I am feeling a little burnt out. I have really pushed myself to have an active blog this summer, get some legitimate research done on research for my thesis, and dealing with some shifting feelings that have come over this summer. I feel I have really pushed myself this summer and now I feel a little empty. (Sorry that's not very positive).

I think it is time I recharge a bit. So I am taking a break from this blog... I may not be on for a bit. After I get back from vacation I have to prepare to move into my new apartment. Which, I am excited to be moving in with my friend K. But you know packing and everything can be quite exhausting.

Also I am feeling a little empty of words and not knowing what to say or write.So I leave you with this...

In my quiet time I have been going through passages with the word "Trust" in them and today it led me to these verses...
My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.
(Psalm 62:1-2)

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.
My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.
Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
(Psalm 62:5-8)

O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you, 
my body longs for you, 
in a dry and weary land
where here is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you, 
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you,
(Psalm 63:1-5)

My soul clings to you; 
your right hand upholds me.
 (Psalm 63:8)

How I needed these words.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Book blurb... Fangirl

To continue my summer I just finished the book Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell. I picked it up because lately I have caught myself having some fangirl moments and I thought maybe this book would help me understand the obsession some of get into.  Okay I am a fangirl but I don't write fanfiction but the main character Cath does. She writes fanfiction about the Simon Snow books (which seems kind of like Harry Potter to me) and while this seems crazy to her college roommate her writing is actually her escape from the world (which I understand). 
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The book takes place in Cath's freshman year of college. She and her twin Wren go to the same college but Wren seems to have no interest in being with her sister anymore and this leaves Cath feeling a bit abandoned and instead of embracing college and all its new experiences she kind of holds up in her room. This pushes her into the presence of Levi (who is always hanging out in their room). Cath tries to ignore her growing crush on him as she thinks he is her roommate's boyfriend... but her crush grows and so does their friendship. On the other side her world is feeling like it is more and more falling apart with no Wren and her dad is struggling back home... That is all I will say about the plot because I don't want to give Spoilers. 

I don't know why, but this summer I felt I have read more YA books than any other, and I have loved them. I think this is my first YA book that is set in present time (not like Hunger Games or Divergent) and it felt natural and true in her thoughts and the conversation. This book is full of college crushes, angst about finding who you are, and first loves. There were so many passages of the book I felt like I knew exactly what she was going through. And on multiple occasions I would be reading and pull the book close to my chest as to give her hug (I am sure it looked weird on the T). I also like the fact though Cath and her roommate, Reagan, didn't get along at first eventually they got into their own rhythm and they grew to like each other and there was a few moments that Reagan even stood up for Cath. 

What I didn't like was occasionally an F-bomb would be dropped... it only threw me off once then it just felt normal for the tone of the book (so if you are sensitive to that I wouldn't recommend it).  
Illustrations of the main characters
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Monday, July 28, 2014

we can be alone together

Christa stood up and helped Ginny on to her feet. Christa knew Ginny would want to hide away when she really just needed someone's shoulder to cry on. However, Christa believed no pain couldn't be healed when eating cheesecake, if only temporarily. And just as if they were kids again they climbed out the window and down the tree and ran as fast as they could through the lawn. Ginny couldn't help but give a little giggle as they jumped into the car. This action took her back to happier memories and right then that is what Ginny needed.

~~~~~~A Month Later~~~~~~

"Ginny, you want to go to Essie's house, I have some cleaning I have to do?"
"No thanks," Ginny responded without taking her attention off the TV. 
"Come on Ginny, I could really us your help, Essie wouldn't want you just sitting around."
"I am not just sitting around."
"I'll buy you a milkshake." 

Ginny rolled her eyes, that trick hadn't worked since Ginny was a child but she knew if her mom used that line she was desperate. 

"Oh alright," Ginny faked grumbled. 
"Thanks Gin bean." Her mom was over dramatic.

Ginny didn't know what to expect going to Essie's house without Essie being there. She hadn't gone back since she and Christa snuck out of the funeral. Her mom had gone back a few times always to do cleaning. Essie had kept the house so pristine, with the excuse that the Queen might drop by, that Ginny really couldn't tell what her mom had to do. Dad and her uncles decided to keep the house at least for the time being. Even though her extended family had moved  out of town they still came back to Essie's house for Christmas, Easter, Fourth of July, and other important gatherings. It held so many memories for everyone no one could imagine getting rid of it, but Essie was the true soul of the house. Even just looking up at the house it felt empty.

"Take your time Gin bean," her mother said seeing the deep breath she took.
"I'm fine," she said defensively.

Her mom reassuring put her hand on Ginny's knee. "It's okay not to be fine. Essie was a wonderful, loving, and irreplaceable woman. It is understandable to miss her." 

Ginny took deep breath and got out of the car all the while playing with the cross between her fingers.

"Good day Mrs. Camden," his voice called out over the lawn.
"Hello Alex, good to see you. How is your mother?"
"Oh she is fine, a little busy with my niece and nephew staying with them for a week."
"I am sure she loves it."
"Yes m'am she does it." Then he looked at Ginny. "Hello Ginny, it is nice to see you."
"Hi Alex," her tone was short.

Her mom nudged her in the rib cage telling her to be nice.

Alex Panswick, had been working for Essie for the last three or four years (Ginny couldn't remember exactly) but he had always been around. He was close friends with her cousins and every one kind of accepted him as family. Though he was considered family his high school crush on Ginny was wildly teased about. He used to leave roses for her outside on her window ledge, slip copied poems in her locker, and always bought her a gift for her birthday. Ginny just found it pathetic. He was not her type at all being a minor computer geek, president of the Purity Club, and he even sung in the church choir (without being forced to). While Ginny was away at college he bulked up a bit and got some muscle, which you would think would add to his appeal but Ginny just saw him as the annoying boy from high school.

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That was until the night after Essie's death. Ginny couldn't remember all the details of that night, she just remembers sitting in the large oak tree that was in the middle of the wheat field. Ginny came there whenever needed solace. Essie had told her that her grandmother wouldn't let her grandfather chop it down even though it was in the middle of the field, she had said it was the most beautiful tree she had seen and she felt it was a special gift to them. Since then it had become more of a family treasure. There Ginny was sitting watching the sunset. She hadn't cried yet and could not be surrounded by all the tears of her mom and aunts. It must of been later than she imagined for she heard her mom's call out to her but she didn't want to get out of the tree. She kept searching the sky for the first star.

Then she heard his voice. "Hello Ginny."

Ginny wouldn't admit it, but his voice was always sweet to her.

"Did my mom send you out to look for me? I am adult you know."
"No, I came on my own. But she is just worried about you."
"Tell her not to worry."
"I think she rather see you for herself. Moms are like that."
"Thanks Alex, but I just want to be left alone."
"All right."

But he did not leave her, he actually climbed up the tree and sat next to her.

"I said I wanted to be alone."
"I know. I want to be alone too and this is my favorite spot." He frequently said corny lines like that even if they were truly sincere Ginny only heard them as cheesey. "You think we can be alone together."

"Fine, just don't say anything."
"Fair enough."

Then without her realizing it his hand were on top of hers. She didn't know if she was angry at him being so bold or comforted because he was there. But she started crying right then. He put his arm around her and she buried her face in his shoulders and he didn't flinch with her crying on his shoulder. When she calmed herself down she looked up at him, he took his thumb to graze away a tear and then held her chin. He acted like he wanted to kiss her and she was about to let him. He abruptly pulled away as if he saw something, someone that disgusted him. Without saying a word he slid off the tree and walked away.

He hadn't said anything to her since that evening and when ever she looked at him she still had flashes of that moment. And she was confused why she cared so much if he didn't like her.

beautiful picture of a tree
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