A Deeper Update

Hello Lovely Readers,

I have wanted to write a more in depth update on my life... as I felt my last post was a little light and didn't tell you what was actually going on in my life. Most of this is just a tangent.

Last post

To be honest I have been sulking a lot lately. I am going through some changes in my life and I am not exactly sure how to go through them. I don't know how comfortable I am sharing this all on social media... so why am I writing this post? Trust me I have been thinking that as well. As much as I want to share my thoughts, happenings and other things on this blog... I feel sometimes I have to be vague because I don't want my personal life all over the Internet. Okay maybe I am over dramatizing that... I mean I am not that sure how many people actually read this blog. So I come back to this question why am I writing this post?

Because sometimes I feel I get my thoughts out better out in this blog than I do in person. Sometimes I feel more comfortable sharing what I am going through on this blog, where I can assume all my readers are strangers than actually tell people what is going on in my mind... Sounds crazy? I blame being a writer for this. I have always thought I could express myself better in writing than out loud (even if my grammar sucks...sorry).

Lately I have felt like just wanting to escape, life isn't all that bad but I have felt stuck and I also feel like doors are closing around me and I am not sure which way to turn and sometimes it is just easier to give into these feelings than to keep getting out of bed and trying to hold my head up. So maybe that is why is I have gone through so many TV shows because escaping into their reality is easier than dealing with mine.

The idea of escaping or running away is very common for me, so please don't worry about me, it is just a defense mechanism I have. In high school, my school didn't have a lot of windows so I remember the classes in which  I did have windows I would sit and stare out them looking over to the East Bay (maybe I should state I went to high school on the peninsula of San Fransisco and we had a good view of the East Bay). Anyway, I would think about taking Amtrak out of Oakland and head anywhere but where I was... I never did that, I think I was too practical. So with this in my background I find it easier to just want to run away or escape into fictional worlds (either in book, TV, or movies).

I will admit, sadly my walk with God has not been that strong lately, and that is probably the main reason I feel so low. While it would be great to just buck up and get my life together, I am just feeling lost right now. Also I don't know how much desire my heart and mind have to change my circumstances, maybe if they had the desire I would be able to change? Or maybe I should put the words "fake it till you make it?" into play.

I want to act like everything is fine but that is all it is, it is just an act and I am so tired of acting. I am so tired of trying and coming up with nothing.

I feel like a lot of people are telling me how great I am, or how smart I am, or how everything will be okay. I know they are just trying to encourage me but I keep thinking if I am "great" or "smart" why isn't it working out for me. I feel like I am going to let all those people down and that probably hurts me more than anything.

As I was typing this up "Hopeless Wander" by Mumford and Sons came on and I thought the lyrics were actually expressing a little bit was I was feeling

"Hopeless Wanderer"

By: Mumford and Sons

Link

(Not Official Video) 

Love you guys for reading this and sticking with me. Sorry this was kind of a bummer for post in November. I don't know if I will post more or not this month as I am par taking in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) but I hope to have more to share more with of my story. 

Happy Easter!

HAPPY EASTER!

Every Easter I love watching the wonderful musical Easter Parade. 

(Since I originally posted this back in 2012 the video I had shared has been removed here is another great scene)

When ever holidays come around it is funny what you remember, things I remember from Easter...

1. I am not sure if we watched it on Easter or not but I remember watching the movie Easter Parade at my Nana and Grandpa's house and now every Easter I want to watch it.

2. Easter dresses- I remember every year having to wear white tights and patent leather shoes, at least until I was in my teens and the first year I did not wear those items I felt so grown up.

Some Examples of my Easter Dresses:

My sister, Granddad and I

My dad and I. 

3. Bunnies -I remember every year my mom got us a stuffed bunny for Easter, one of them was rose colored and I named her Felicity. We put all our bunnies on top of our fireplace mantel and we called it bunnies on parade.

4. Easter Brunch- When we were at my mom's house we always went out for a special brunch, they were probably the nicest meals we ate growing up.

5. New York City- when I was in 6th grade my mom took my sister and I to New York City and we stayed in the Plaza Hotel.Sad to say I don't remember much about that trip. I went to the Disney store near time square and I begged my mom that instead of my Easter bunny to buy a vintage looking Eeyore. I know it might be silly but it is still the stuff animal I sleep with.

6. Easter egg hunts- I remember when my Grandma would put bible verses in little eggs... when you are kid you look forward to the candy so I always felt chipped getting Easter eggs with verses. Now I am glad that she tried to keep Easter still close to God, when so many people make it about the Easter bunny. Also I remember my younger cousin, who is at least seven years younger than me, enjoyed Easter egg hunts much longer than we did but I felt bad she didn't have some one to play with so I pretended to be excited about Easter egg hunts even when I was fourteen.

7. Peeps- I know a lot of people find peeps disgusting. But I love them. One year in college I put on Facebook about how I didn't get any Peeps that year and she sent me boxes of Peeps. But I am a traditionalist I only eat Peeps at Easter time.

{Pic}

Hope you have a wonderful Easter!

The Finale

Birthday Love

I love my birthday,  I know that sounds selfish when I say that because many people think when I say it is because I like gifts but that is not the case. I love it because I know it means I get a lot of my friends around me.

Over the years I have had great birthdays...

The day after 21st birthday I got baptized. 

Then on my 22nd birthday I went to my first Red Sox game.

It had just happened to be Lester's no hitter.

Two days before my 23rd birthday I graduated college.

My 24th birthday was not that big...

My bible study went to Rochester, New York the week before. 

I know it was not for my birthday but I still remember it as part of my birthday celebration.

We discovered the love of a jumping pillow,

probably our favorite memory from the trip. 

Then on my 25th birthday I did something I have always wanted to do...

Karaoke. 

My friend told me my 25th birthday was the last "big" birthday I get before I turn 30, I didn't like that thinking because I love my birthday and I can make them big if I want to. Well last night I had an early celebration to my birthday that was just as big and memorable as the others. As most of you know I have been raising funds for my Honduras trip in August. In March I wrote a post about what my birthday wish was.... "For my birthday I want people to give to Living Water International click here for the Donation page and if you want to learn more about Living Water click here. If you want to support me and my trip to Honduras please contact me, but as I am not 100% certain I will go I would like it more if you guys would directly give money to Living Water International." 

At that time I was not sure I could go on a trip with Living Water. But now that I am going I have asked people for my birthday to give me funds for my trip. Well there as been an out pouring of generosity. My birthday party last night was in order to raise support for my trip, I did I raised 585 dollars making my new total of support at $1,885, meaning I only need 115 dollars left to raise. WOOHOO!!!

Me with my fundraising poster

Outside the money raised it was a great success. As my place is too small to host a party my friend let me use her place to host a party, and my best friend made and bought all the food for the party. Then about 20 people showed up and every one had a good time. So I will put this birthday in the book as another "big" birthday. 

Some of my friends
sorry it is blurry

The cake my best friend made
in the shape of a water drop.

For more on my trip to Honduras follow my Blaire goes to Honduras Blog thanks for all the love, memories, and support. It has meant the world to me.

My not so New Years Resolutions

Hello Lovely readers,

I have been trying to think of things to write since Christmas. During the fall I was really examining my life but lately the rush of completing the semester and the Christmas season I haven't really had much time to examine things. But now is the time to think of New Years resolutions. 

My friend was telling me she doesn't really care about New Years as it makes her look back on this year past. I told her I like New Years because I like to think of things I want to see different or better next year at this time of the year. I wouldn't really say they are resolutions. I mean usually resolutions sound like 

• get in shape
• stop smoking 
• save more money
• pray more

Well first I don't smoke and never will. I could get more in shape it is not on my list. I also could also save more though in grad school it seems hard but if I can save I do. Also I could pray more. I have been working on my relationship with God but it is not perfect... so this is on my list.

But the number one thing on my list is to staring at the rear view mirror of my life. I do this a lot and sometimes I can hold on to the past to much I forget to live in the moment. I also judge the present by the past, which means I don't allow the present to be just itself. 

And as I was trying to think of something to write... I found this song. 

I have recently been trying to discover new music and I have fallen in love with a few groups to name one She & Him. If you don't know them it has Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward and they have a fun sound I love. 

But back to the song... there is a line in the chorus that says "don't look back, all you'll ever get is the dust from the steps before" that part stuck out to me. It made me think I need to shake off the dust from my past and embrace the present.

I know we have to learn from the past but we can't hold on to it so tight we don't have a future. God gave us the present to actually be present in the moment. So this year I want to live more in the present. This will be hard for me if I am not holding on to the past I pine away for the future. I am a single grad student who wants to be in a relationship and done with school.  Right now my life is so blessed and God has put me in my current situations for a reason and he will bring me to the future he wants even if it is no what I planned or dream about. 

This isn't really a post about New Years Resolutions this more setting a goal not just year but for years to come. Like any goal I will need accountability, encouragement and little reminders. I hope you, my lovely readers, will continue to be there for me.

A little road mapping

I will admit I look back at my life a lot. I am sure a lot of us do. Sometimes we look back and we see happy times with family and loved ones. Sometimes we see pain heart breaks and challenges. I think we can all agree that that is the mix of life. I know many times I look back over my life (which hasn't been that long) and see things that didn't make sense in the present but now I know they have made me who I am. For example when I was 10 my Nana passed away. She was the first death I ever really experienced and I wasn't happy that she was gone but with in a year of her passing away my mom moved us out to the west coast. My mom made me repeat the 5th grade, all these events I didn't understand but now I see how shaping they were. If I hadn't moved to the west coast, I don't know if I would have ever been brave enough to move myself to the east coast, and it is here I have found my own little home. And living on the west coast where people didn't know me my whole life most people assumed my pesky speech impediment was an accent, and I no longer got teased for it. After my repeat of the 5th grade my grades got better and I took some time to just get in the flow of it. Also my 5th grade year I had an awesome teacher, Mr. Bacon, who besides my parents encouraged me to write. But in the moment my Nana's death, the move, the repeating 5th grade none of it made sense... but I think how puzzle pieces fit together to make me me.

I don't know about you but sometimes I look back and I can only see the mistakes I have made and I hold on to those tighter than I hold on to my accomplishments. I know there are a lot of motivational quotes that say don't let mistakes define you but it is hard for me. Even when all the world is telling me "I am good" I feel myself criticizing myself ( I am my worst critic). You might be thinking I am in a low place in my life again, and actually that's not true I am just over thinking things and just writing it out helps.

I had a relationship with a guy, over a year ago, but he was the man I thought I was going to get married to. I have a deep desire to be a wife (as you can probably tell from my other blog posts) so when I thought I was going to marry this guy I put all my hope into that relationship. I felt I gave it my all and when it ended I had nothing left. Now of course I had great friends who held on to me and lifted me up. But it took me a really long time to get over him. And I still work on it but there is a deep part of me that knows I need to move on and a really anxious (anxious because I want to be in love again) that is telling me I want to move on. But some how deeper down I worry... I worry about making the same mistakes all over again, I worry about being crushed all over again. I guess those all factors of life.

As I was writing that last part I remembered the quote "if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love" so I googled it and found out it was from the movie "A Lot Like Love" but as I was googling the quote google was showing me this other quote "If you're not willing to risk it all, then you don't want it bad enough" - Unknown. So maybe I just need the reminder if I want something bad enough I will have to face the idea I will make mistakes (we all do) but I can't hold on to my mistakes I have made in the past. I just need to let them teach me and not define me. 

I looked up the word "risk" on Pinterest and got some interesting quotes, here are my favorites...

So maybe I shouldn't be so timid by my past mistakes and take a little bit of risk... I know the Lord has blessed me so far and not matter what happens next he will use it to shape my future.

Daddy's Girl

I am not sure what is going on but I love the look he has on his face.

People in my present life may not know this but my dad and I have not always been as close as we are now. We definitely we had a great divide in our relationship during my high school years when I told him half truths and basically tried to keep him out of my life as much as possible... I won't go into all the details. Back then I never thought I would be as close to my dad as I am today. But then life changed. I grew up a bit and began to more actively walk in my faith and our relationship became closer. I live in Boston and he lives in Oklahoma but I feel closer to him now than I did when I lived in Oklahoma. 

My dad and I playing around

My dad an I have had several hard conversations sometimes where I have to stand up for myself in what I need or want from him. We have had many conversations I have cried during and they are mix of tears from happiness/sadness/ and relief. But I know he will be there to call me or text me again and tell me he loves me. And I always look forward to getting off the plane and having him there with a big hug and the fact I still like to cuddle on his lap.

My dad and I at my sister's wedding

Well last night we had our Monday night phone date and we had a range of topics to cover and some how we got on the topic where he told me my Grandad (who passed away last October) was proud of me... well the water works started. I always knew my Grandad loved me but I never knew he was proud of me. I said with out really thinking "why don't the Hiebsch men tell people that" he asked "what do you mean?" I reminded him the first time I remember him ever saying he was proud of me was my senior year of high school. I think he was stunned.



My Grandad and I

It is so funny, how much I compare my life to others. I look at my life and so many times I wish I was my sisters, both of them married and one with a cute little girl. And sometimes, when I am really low, I feel like I am failing because I feel my life doesn't feel as good as theirs looks. But then last night my dad told me he was proud of me. And it reminded me I am not failing, I am just on a different path.



One of my favorite picture of us

Just thinking about it his love for me reminds me of God's love (though we have our faults). There was a time I rebelled and pushed him out of my life but He is always there with open arms to hug me when I am in His presence and let me still climb on His lap. There is still hurt we are working through together but He is there to listen to my cries and He wants to wipe all my tears away. Sometimes like any good father what He has to say hurts but its the truth and knowing that will make me a better person and He always has my best interest at heart even if I don't know what that is.  

From the Car... (Weekend Away Part 2)

As mentioned in part 1 of my weekend away (click here) I had a six hour drive to upstate New York. During these six hours besides taking some naps I flipped through and read articles from the September Vogue that I wrote about my love for on Thursday it is 758 pages and I am sure my cat who is 7 pounds probably weigh the same. There was an article about a woman survived the 9/11 attacks. It was a reflection of how she survived even though she was burnt over 82% of her body. It was very powerful to hear about how she at first struggled to survive for her son then when she found out how many people died in the attack she pushed to survive for all those people.

To read about the way she suffered and had to go through to survive... I hope to never have to go through that but it did remind me of my Sept. 11th experience. I was on the west coast in ninth grade and it was a late day and my mom woke me up. I tried to tell her that it was a late day and I didn't have to get up but she told that the World Center had been attacked and I should come watch, it was history. When I got to her room I looked at the TV and saw only one tower. I asked her what happened... she told me the tower had fallen. I didn't understand. What did she mean fallen. Then we watched the second tower fall and since then we have all experienced the aftermath. Now I didn't live on the east coast so I am not going to pretend what I know what it was like to experience it first hand. I was just a high school student who until then didn't understand how some one could hate Americans so bad they would kill innocent people. I was only a girl during Desert Storm and I didn't even know where Afghanistan was, and Osama Bin Laden was not even a name I knew. I think then I was just trying to understand high school. But my mom understood what was happening. I missed school that day. She was afraid San Francisco would be attacked and she didn't want me out of her sight. She told me my step-dad and her had come up with a plan that if San Francisco was attacked we would load up our SUV drive till we got to our house in the desert and stay there. My step-dad wouldn't be able to come, he worked in television and would have to stay in San Francisco to cover any news that happened. I know my mom has probably looked scared in her life but I don't remember her ever looking scared and brave all at the same moment. To know what had to be done if the worst happened but still not wanting to do it.

San Francisco was not attacked, we did not have to leave and I know my life would be very different had it been... I am glad I don't have to figure how differently it would be.

I know we have a few more weeks till the actual 10 year anniversary of 9/11 but this article made me think about that day. I know more stories will come out and more blog post will be written about this and I look forward to reading them.

Friend's Wedding... (Weekend Away part 1)

Click here

Best Friends to a Single Girl... (Weekend away part 3)

Click here