Honest Advent: Paying Attention in the Waiting (Part 2)

Dear Reader, 

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In my previous post (link), I shared a few passages from Honest Advent that met me in my unease and questions. As I’ve continued sitting with the book, more words have surfaced — quiet invitations to trust, to wrestle, and to remain present in the waiting.

Moving on to a later chapter called "Virgin," Erickson writes, "Your transformation throughout life will be a paradox. One truth is that you have agency to make decisions to change and transform the parts you wish... Gratitude and thankfulness are choices you can make to transform your perspective in every situation” (pg. 85-86).

Lately, I have been feeling stuck in life. As I mentioned before, I have let my struggles have a big voice—and I have to be reminded, often, to “take every thought captive to God” (2 Corinthians 10:5). That reminder takes a certain amount of strength. For me, it feels much easier to bury my mind in scrolling, watching TV, or getting lost in distractions than to turn my thoughts to God—even though He already knows them.

In the chapter “With,” Erickson writes, “There is so much we don’t have control over, and it will change us no matter what. What we do have is agency to respond to these forces. The ability to decide how we are going to let them change us—for better or worse,” (pg. 139). In this, I need (and I think everybody) to let go of control and depend on God—I just wish I knew better how?

Later in the chapter about the magi (”Attention”), he states, “The deep desire of the magi was to connect with the creator of the world, and they trusted the creator to reveal the interior journey of the soul in the exterior world around them... but because of their deep desire to know God, they were willing to trust the signs in the sky to go and see” (pg. 175). Erickson mentions that the magi looked at the patterns in the sky and knew the star pointed to God. He uses this illustration to show that when we pay attention and seek God, we notice patterns in our lives and in the world pointing to God.

It reminds me of a quote: “the place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet,” by theologian Frederick Buechner in his book Wishful Thinking (I might need to add that to my reading list). (And if you want to go down the rabbit hole, I welcome you—Click here). The point for me, I think, is paying attention to and seeking God, and looking for patterns in your life; you will find life-giving things. Sometimes I look out for non-life-giving things and cut those out. So I can focus on God and life-giving things.

Ultimately, this season is calling me to pay attention to the patterns, the invitations, and the gentle nudges that point me back to God. I may not always have clear answers, but in the waiting and the wondering, I want to remain open to what God is revealing. Maybe the real invitation is simply to trust that, even in uncertainty, presence and attentiveness are enough.

I leave you with these questions:

Where have you noticed patterns or gentle invitations in your own life that might be pointing you toward something deeper?

What are the distractions or non-life-giving things you might need to let go of in order to pay closer attention to God’s presence?

In what ways is waiting or uncertainty inviting you to trust or remain present?

Thanks for reading. 

Honest Advent: Lingering with Uncertainty, Faith in the Waiting (Part 1)

Dear Reader,

From Amazon

Over Christmas (and let’s be honest and a little bit beyond (I’m a slow reader)),  I read Honest Advent, by Scott Erickson, and while it is post-Christmas, I find it interesting that Advent means “coming,” and we are still waiting for Jesus’ second coming, it is okay to share my thoughts on this. I will admit most Christmases just pass by, and I’m unchanged by the fact of Jesus’ arrival and His life, death, and resurrection. And my co-worker/friend, knowing these struggles, perhaps gave me this book to speak into my emotions. I will not harp further on my feelings, as I have written previously: “Searching for Joy in a season that should be bright.” As I stated in previous posts, I’m in a time of wandering, and the things I underlined and reflect on speak to those questions, though I am not sure I have answers. 

To start, in the chapter “Unease,” Erickson wrote, “But when you say to the Giver of your life, ‘I want my life to be meaningful. I want to serve you with my life. May it be so, according to what You desire,’ you have no idea what secret cosmic strategies have been put into play to answer that request” (pg. 55). I’ve often echoed the words of Isaiah, “Here I am, use me” (6:8), and yet, at times, I still feel nothing.

Continuing in the next chapter, Erickson writes, “I just know that the Divine is really really really really really detailed in Its working with us—and anytime I’m awakened to the intentionality, I’m filled with wonder” (pg. 60). I, too, know God is intimately detailed in our lives—He understood how our cells had to divide for us to grow, and how our hearts formed first as we were being knitted together in our mother’s womb. If God is so detailed and if He is moving in cosmic ways to answer my requests to be used by Him, why am I still lingering with uncertainty?

Sometimes, even when I trust that God is attentive to every detail and my requests are heard, I find myself waiting in the quiet spaces of uncertainty. Perhaps faith means continuing to say “Here I am” even when the answer is not immediately clear, trusting that what feels like silence is part of a much larger, unfolding story.

Erickson says. “The process of growth is always uneasy, because growth never comes through ease. It comes through stretching and expanding of one’s own capacity to push on ahead” (pg. 54). He also writes, “It is for love that you have been broken open so a larger capacity of faith, hope, and love can be built inside you. For love. It’s because you are loved” (pg.56). In that I can see, today in my prayer time today I wrote about my struggles (insecurities, doubts, feeling like I am a failure, finances, my pride, and feeling like I’m not doing enough.) Lord, I need you. You are sovereign, you know my ways, but what are your ways? ... You have a plan and a purpose. And maybe a purpose in these struggles is for me to depend on You, to lean on You, and maybe explore [remind] myself what I love. I love writing, both fiction and blog posts. I love to journal in that feeling close to You... How can I be of use to you in this? I don’t know if God will use me specifically in writing. I’m waiting for God, but also moving forward in writing, and if God uses this passion, it will be a wonderful outcome. Erickson did give questions about things to think about when you are uneasy. 

1. What is the conversation I can have only by being in this situation?

2. What parts of my life have I been able to uncover only by finding myself here?

3. What unexpected place might God want to meet me in during this uneasy time I’m experiencing? 

I will leave them here for you to ponder. 

As these questions linger, I’ve found myself returning to the pages of Honest Advent, discovering even more passages that speak into the tension and hope of this season. In Part 2, I’ll share more quotes and reflections that have challenged and encouraged me along the way—inviting you to wrestle and wonder with me.

Russian Winter: A Historical Fiction Novel of Ballet, Betrayal, and Boston

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 Dear Reader, 

Over Christmas, I picked up Russian Winter by Daphne Kalotay. I think my former New England heart wanted a bit of winter, and while I don't think I felt a chill of winter air come through the pages, I loved that part of the story was set in Boston, and it is clear the author in her mentions of the T, Dunkin Donuts, and descriptions of the Back Bay and Beacon Hill made it obvious she lives there or visits quiet often. I could picture where the characters sat and walked about, and that made me happy.

From the back of the book: 

When Nina Revskaya puts her remarkable jewelry collection up for auction, the former Bolshoi Ballet star finds herself overwhelmed by memories of her homeland, and of the events, both glorious and heartbreaking, that changed her life half a century earlier. It was in Russia that she discovered the magic of dance and fell in love, and where, faced with Stalinist aggression, a terrible discovery incited a deadly act of betrayal—and an ingenious escape to the West.

Nina has kept her secrets for half a lifetime. But now Drew Brooks, an inquisitive associate at a Boston auction house, and Grigori Solodin, a professor who believes Nina's jewels hold the key to unlocking his past, begin to unravel her story—setting in motion a series of revelations that will have life-altering consequences for them all.

What I liked: 

I don't know much about Russia (even though going to St. Petersburg is on my list), so I liked learning more about its history. Also, being told from the lens of an up-and-coming ballerina in the 1940s to 50s was a very interesting perspective, because while she wasn't involved in politics, she had friends and was herself affected by the politics of the time. 

What I didn't like, but learned to like:

At first, when I was reading Nina's memories, it was sometimes obvious that the writing had shifted from the present (I am guessing it took place in the early 2010s because of the technology mentioned) to the past. But that is fair because when I am deep in thought, thinking back to the past, I sometimes can't always distinguish the past from the present.  

Also, Nina's storyline has a lot of characters, some of whom I didn't understand the point of. And I told myself, "Well, I guess it wouldn't be a Russian novel without lots of characters." I haven't actually read a Russian novel, but in my one attempt to watch the mini-series War and Peace, there were a lot of characters. Eventually, the minor characters played a part in the story's plot twist, and I was shocked, but no spoilers. Kind of wish it hadn't taken about 400 pages to get there... but I move on. 

2016- War and Peace
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What I didn't like: 

There was one scene that I was nervous about with Nina and her love interest, Viktor, where they are sitting in the back of a crowded car (no seatbelt laws then), and it seems he is getting very sexual with her without having sex. I was worried this would carry on through the book, but it didn't.

Also, Nina and Viktor do end up getting married, but because Nina is focused on having a career as a star ballerina, she has abortions, most of which she doesn't even tell Viktor she is pregnant, because he wants to be a father.

Also, Nina and Viktor live with his mother, a former aristocrat in the old days (pre-Revolution), and she is snobby and puts Nina down a lot, and Viktor kind of shrugs it off, like you can't blame her, she is old and has had everything taken from her (which I get), but doesn't defend his wife. 

What I liked: 

In the present, Drew is a divorced woman (okay, I didn't like that), but it helps give the character depth, and she is figuring life out, figuring out what she wants, how to have relationships after brokenness, and how to be vulnerable again. Plus, her work as an "inquisitive associate at a Boston auction house" made research sound interesting. One, I love doing research... yep, total nerd. Also, personally, in my current WIP, my character is doing research, so I liked reading how to write scenes to make research interesting and not boring. 

Also, the ending of the story leaves part of Drew's story unfinished — details about her grandfather's past that come up but are not concluded. And while she has a happy ending, it is not tied up in a bow... and that is okay because that is life, and also gives the reader scope for imagination to wonder what will happen next. 

What I didn't like, but learned to like:

Another main character, Grigori, comes in, and at first, I didn't really get his purpose. But he actually plays a pivotal role in Drew's story. And Kalotay gave all her main characters side characters, backstory, and purpose, with or without the book being written. 

Quotes that sat with me: 

"For anything more than friendship--for real romance, passionate love--she would have to feel something very strong, strong enough for her to want to try again" (pg. 85). 

I feel that, right now, I am kind of hiding in place, restoring my relationship with God, and picking myself up from the brokenness of the ex. For me to want to try again, I would have to feel a very strong connection and a deep desire to let someone in. But I like the hope at the end of the story in Drew's relationship. 

"In fact, Drew herself had felt shaken, at the reality of those pictures, at the silent reminder: that people we are closest to can disappear like that, even the people most rooted in our lives, the ones we think of as constant" (pg. 370). 

If God is with you... (part 2)

Hello faithful readers,

In the first part of this reflection, I lingered in Gideon’s encounter with God, the questions, the hesitation, and the quiet reassurance of God’s presence. But as I sat with the story longer, I began to realize something: Gideon’s questions sound a lot like my own. 

For part one, click here. 

Part one

From this study, I noticed twice that God promised to be with Gideon. And this is not a promise limited to Gideon. God makes this promise in Exodus, Joshua, it is the last verse in Matthew... “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (28:20), Jesus is also called Emmanuel, which means “God with us,” and “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us...” (John 1:4).

Also, I noticed how much I am like Gideon:

1) In asking God, why has all this happened? And yet I know (sometimes) the mess I am walking through is because of the mistakes, the sins I have done—I know God forgives and redeems, like God pulled the Israelites out of the hands of the Midianites, but also you have to deal with the mess (the consequences of sin). Gideon asks the Angel, “Where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about...” And I feel kind of blatantly put God on trial, saying “But now the LORD has forsaken us...” (v.13) And maybe it is not an accusation but a cry of his heart?

How many times have I felt forsaken? And I just have to cling to the promise that God does not abandon or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Joshua 1:5; 1 Chronicles 28:20; and Hebrews 13:5). But then sit there and wonder if those words are true, and cry out again.

2) Gideon saying, “If I have now found favor in your sight, then show me a sign...” How many times have I wondered if I have favor with God? Am I worthy of asking for anything when I’m sure I fail a thousand times (a day)?  

But even in that, I have God’s assurances, “And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it” (John 14:13,14). I am not a name-and-claim-it kind of person, because there are passages that speak of asking according to His will. But in time of wondering, my dad sent me a card with the verse 1 John 5:14 written on it.

-Now this is the confidence we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  

3)Do I ask for signs? And am I confident that He will do the signs (if necessary)? If He does sign, do I recognize them, or like Gideon, do I ask for one more sign?

Wrapping this up, I will say in verse 34 it says, “But the Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon...” Even in Gideon's flaws, God still gives him His presence.

I am reassured by verses like this and others that God grants me His presence.

-I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in Him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

-in whom you are also being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit. (Ephesians 2:22)

-But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. (1 Peter 2:21)

As I close this reflection, these are the questions I’m still sitting with:

• Where am I asking God for reassurance, even after He has already spoken?

• What promises of God am I struggling to believe right now?

• And maybe the question isn’t whether God is present, but whether I am willing to trust Him when He is? 

• Curious if you are brave enough to answer, where do you see yourself in Gideon’s story?

A terebinth tree

I guess this is how I imagine a terebinth tree in Israel, being this shady place to rest in the cool of the day, and since God would know where to meet us in the shade and in the cool places, and as God is to be our rest maybe this is why He hangs out in the terebinth trees to reveal Himself in the Old Testament.