If God Is With You… Why Does It Feel Like This?

Hello faithful readers, 

As I have said, one of my goals in life and with this blog is to write a Bible study... for this perfectionist, that is a big undertaking. Like, who am I to write a study? Where would I start? Am I even qualified? Well, after thinking, overthinking, and rethinking about it (a common habit of mine), I finally sat down and wrote one (well 2 blog posts), but I hope to write more.

Thanks for your support! 

Gideon with an angel... I'm assuming consuming the rock with fire

I have been going through a time of questions, and late in 2025 and earlier this year, I felt my prayers were going no further than the pages of my journal. I was left wondering, “Where is God?” “What does He desire?” And “Does He actually hear me?” This brings me to the story of Gideon (Judges 6).

The Angel of the Lord comes and sits down under the terebinth tree (v.11).* And the Angel says to Gideon, “The Lord is with you, mighty man of valor.” I highlighted that in green because it is a promise, and I wrote a “W” next to it, to remind me when God says He is with us. And Gideon asks if the Lord is with us, then why has all this happened?

The “all” he is referring to is that the Midianites have attacked and oppressed the people. It seems kind of a funny question because in verse 1, it is stated, “Then the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD. So the LORD delivered them into the hands of Midian. But God promised the Israelites in Deuteronomy 28:

-The Lord will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give rain to your land in its season, and to bless all the work of your hand...And the LORD will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath, if you heed the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you today, and are careful to observe them (v.12,13).

-But it shall come to pass, if you do not obey the voice of the LORD your God, to observe carefully all His commandments and His statutes which I command you today, that all these curses will come upon you (v.15)

Now I am going to go out on a limb and say that with the Israelites doing evil in the sight of the Lord, they were not doing as God commanded. So God was punishing them — or, as I like to think of it, correcting them so they would turn back to God.

In verse 14, the NKJV states, “The LORD turned to him,” (not the angel but the LORD) and says, “Go in the might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the Midianites. Have I not sent you?” I highlighted that in green too.

Then Gideon says, “If now I have found favor in Your sight, then show me a sign it is You who talk to me.” (v. 17). If you know the story of Gideon, he is famous or infamous for asking God three times about the fleece, whether it would be wet or dry (v.36-40). This is not that part of the story. Here, Gideon prepares a young goat and unleavened bread, puts the broth in a pot, and sets them under the terebinth trees. The Angel of God tells him to take the food, put it on a rock, and from the Angel’s staff he touched the meat and the bread, and fire rises out and consumes it, then the Angel departs (v. 19-21). Now Gideon realizes he has seen an Angel of the LORD face to face (v.22). Then the LORD said to Him, “Peace be to you; do not fear, you shall not die.” (And yes, I highlighted that in green too). And Gideon builds an altar and calls it THE-LORD-IS-Peace. (YHWH Shalom)” (v.23,24). 

Gideon’s story doesn’t end with answers; it begins with a question: Is God really with me?

In Part 2, I want to explore why I see myself so clearly in Gideon, and how God meets us when our faith wavers, our confidence is thin, and our questions feel unanswered.

*Side note: Someone could probably write a whole Old Testament study on terebinth trees; they seem to be very important. The Lord appears to Abram by the terebinth tree in his tent (Genesis 18). And Isaiah compares Israel to a terebinth, as from Israel’s stump, God would produce a holy seed (6:13). 

A terebinth tree 

As I was looking for the above picture found a quick YouTube video about terebinth trees

... then the sun came out

 Hello faithful readers,

In my last post (click here to read), I shared a glimpse of my struggle, how disconnected from life I’ve been feeling. I’ve also shared more with some of the prayerful women in my life (I’m sure I have prayerful men too; I’m just usually better at sharing my heart with women). Along with the disconnect, I’ve been wrestling with familiar fears: that I am unworthy of love, unlovable, a burden, or that I will always be alone. These are lies I’ve battled on and off for years. Most of the time, I can keep them at bay, but lately they’ve been loud.

I’ve also felt as though my prayers only reach as far as the journal page on which I write them.

And yet, I’ve actively tried to remind myself of the gospel: God who created the whole universe, wants a relationship with me, not because I am great, but because He created me and loved me, and proved His love by sending His Son (Hello Christmas!) who lived perfectly and on mision to restore people to His kingdom, died as the innocent lamb of God in my place, conquering death for me, and covering me by His blood, for me to have a relationship with Him, and rose from the dead so I no longer have face eternal death.*

I’ve prayed through the Psalms of Lament (Psalm 5) and the Psalms of Praise (Psalm 16). Still, my prayers felt as though they had little impact, and I continued to feel blocked.

If you’re an imagery person, it feels like I’m surrounded by ghostly figures. I can see through them, but they block my vision from truly reaching God or seeing what God desires for me.

One of my prayerful friends sent me a clip of Josh Howerton from Lake Pointe Church, sharing the story of Corrie ten Boom and her sister thanking God for the fleas. Yesterday (12/15), I tried that—thanking God for the “fleas” in my own life.

"Thank you for this low, distant feeling that keeps pressing me deeper into You.

Thank you for Your glory, hope, and strength.

…

Holy Spirit, search my heart.

Give my heart a new song of praise.

Lord, I know You hear my prayers, and that they are not stopping at the pages of this journal. You have me. You know my life. You love me, and You are faithful.

You are glorious, righteous, and secure.

…

You hold my heart.

Thank You, O God, that You hold my heart.

Thank You, O Lord, that my life is in Your hands— my future, anything romantic, finances, any mountains that come my way, any valleys that seek to hold me down, any work, all work for Your kingdom.

…

Thank You, Lord, that this moment, this season, and this earth are not the end-all, be-all of life. I have a home in heaven. One day, I will honestly sit on Your lap, hear Your whispers of love, and worship You face-to-face. While I long for that day, let me be of use. May I keep saying, “Here I am, Lord. Use me.”

Now to the moment that inspired the title of this post.

On Sunday, as part of my job, we hosted a large outing for our clients at a Christmas tree farm. It was a cold and windy day (in New England, it would’ve felt like a great December day). Sometimes our clients won’t attend ESL class if it’s cold, so I prayed that the sun would come out—that they would have a good day and hear loving truth.

About 10–20 minutes later, I was talking with a volunteer when my boss came up to me and said, “God heard your prayer.” Honestly, I had forgotten what I had prayed and asked, “What?” He reminded me that I had asked for the sun, and it came.

I’m not saying that everything suddenly feels better, or that I’m no longer struggling. But I wanted to share the renewed confidence I have in God. He is my hope, my anchor, and most days my sanity.

What “small answered prayer” might God be using to remind you today that He is near?

*I know that was one long run-on sentence. If you have questions, let me know. 

Searching for Joy in a Season That Should Be Bright

Hello faithful readers, 

The “cold” has finally reached Houston, and honestly, I’m delighted. I’d be happy if it stuck around for three more months! Of course, in true Houston fashion, by the time I finished typing this newsletter, we were already back in the 70s, which I suppose is still better than the 80s in December.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving and are feeling the joy and anticipation of Christmas drawing near.

Over Thanksgiving break, I loved the extra sleep and slower pace, and I’m hoping Christmas brings more moments of rest and time with family. But I’ll be honest—lately my heart has felt a bit distant from the thankfulness and joy that usually come so easily this time of year. It feels like I’ve misplaced some of the “magic” I used to sense as a child. More deeply, I’ve felt somewhat disconnected from life, though I can’t quite pinpoint why.

This morning (12/5), during my quiet time, I wrote:

“I want to feel connected to life. I want to be done with this half-life. I long for joy, hope, security, peace, completeness… not out of doubt, but because something feels missing.

I am struggling.

What is it?

Lord, is it You I’m missing?

Lord, I have You—You are my Savior. How much I need You. You are my hope, my security, my sanity. I’d be nothing without You. You created the heavens and the earth… and somehow decided the world needed me, too. You sent Your Son to live, die, and rise again so that all who call You Lord would have life in You.

Thank You—though these words barely feel adequate.

Lord, You are gracious, loving, trustworthy, and complete. You go before me and behind me.

I have You, but I need You more. I’m asking for Your wisdom, Your joy, and everything You desire to give me on this side of heaven.

Lord, capture my heart.

What do You desire from me, in me, and through me?
What do You want to teach me?”*

As I wrote, the lyrics of “In Christ Alone my hope is found” came to mind, and I prayed that those words would be more deeply true of my life.

I’m not entirely sure how to wrap up this blog post except to say: would you join me in that prayer?

Thank you, truly. And here’s to the cold weather lingering a little longer… and to the hope that God is already warming the places in my heart that feel a bit chilled.

Holding onto grace. *

*I feel the need to say the em dashes were not Chat GPT but how I actually wrote my prayers

From Pumpkin Spice to Prayer Time: A Little About Me

 Hello, lovely readers,

I enjoyed revamping my “About Me” page so much that I wanted to extend it into a post. As I was trying to come up with ideas for my “About Me” page, I searched the internet for good get-to-know-you questions, so here are a few of my answers (maybe I’ll add more later).

What is something that always makes you feel at home?
In my life, I have moved about 10 times, sometimes across the country, more often from dorm to apartment, to another apartment. But I feel settled at home when I have my books and pictures hung up. In particular, pictures of my niece and nephews, as well as my two Degas prints, which I’ve had since I was a little girl (when I thought I was going to be a ballerina). My dad bought them for me, and I am not exactly sure what he said, but I remember him telling me that when I saw them, I knew I was at home. And when I moved into my first apartment, he brought these to me. I think besides my panda stuffed animal (that I got when I was 1ish, or so I’ve been told).

Coffee order or go-to drink order?
I’m not a pure coffee drinker; I need a lot of cream and sugar to enjoy it. I drink tea, and I’ve found one that I can take without sugar [plug for Blue Lady Zest Tea]. But I would never say no to a vanilla latte, maybe with a bit of cinnamon (or a Pumpkin Spice Latte).

What Bible verse is anchoring you lately?

What’s one fear or insecurity you have to surrender to Him?
There are two things: One is my finances — not that I’m struggling to make ends meet —but a huge part of my job is support raising (which I discuss more in my newsletters). But sometimes I am disappointed, I am not where I wish I was. One reason I moved to Houston was that I didn’t want to spend my vacation time and money on travel, and I haven’t traveled as much as I'd like. Also, I wish I had more set aside in my savings (I’m sure that's everyone), but I am focused more on paying off my student loans. And in doing support raising, I feel it attacks my insecurities.

Two: A desire for a relationship. A BIG desire of my heart is to be in a relationship, get married, and be seen and known for who I am. In that, I surrender my sense of security.

Actually, I am going through a Bible Study on the theme of submitting, can’t wait to share more on that.

What inspired you to restart this blog?
I am more of a written processor than a verbal processor, but I do want to share my life and thoughts with others. Also, I would one day love to write a Bible Study, and as I ponder this, this is the outreach I have.

How do you stay grounded when life feels busy or heavy?

• My quiet time, as mentioned on my “About Me” page, is sleeping in and having a long, quiet time (about 2 hrs) with a good cup of tea.
• Music: while I like an eclectic mix, it depends on my mood; I find it grounding.
• When stressed at work, I like to step outside for a Vitamin D break.
• Going on walks
• Or private dance party

Early bird or night owl?

If I could sleep late, I would be a night owl, so probably a mid-day magellanic peguin (I’m not sure that is a term, but penguins are one of my favorite animals).

Speaking of favorites:

Favorite drink- tea, vanilla lattes, sun joys aka Arnold Palmers, Dr. Pepper

Favorite food- Chinese or Italian

Favorite snack- granola bar, goldfish crackers

Favorite fast food- Chick-fil-A, Whataburger, MOD Pizza, and if I am back in Oklahoma, Braum’s

Favorite book- not sure. My favorite living author- Kate Morton

Favorite type of books - usually ones with a dual plotline where the past and present are interwined.

Favorite books in the Bible- Deuteronomy,  Ruth, Psalms (if it is not too cliche to say), Luke, John, Romans, Ephesians, and Hebrews. 

 
Favorite movie- Ever After, Clueless, Pride & Prejudice (1995), Bride and Prejudice, Sound of Music, most Marvel movies, Tangled, Muppets Christmas Carol, While You Were Sleeping, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Roman Holiday, (and more)

Favorite song- changes moment by moment

Favorite place to relax- my bed

Favorite hobby- writing

Favorite animal- Sea otter, giraffe, elephant, penguin, and koala bear

Favorite thing to do before bed: sipping sleepy-time tea and scrolling YouTube —should be praying, and reading a book.