What happened to January?

Hello Lovely Readers,

I did not mean to ignore you for the last half of January... I feel like I spent most of January settling into a new year and then without even realizing it half the month had gone by and I was spending most of my days in jury duty (the case is over now so I can, I just don't want to talk about it). Up until now while I have been called 4 times but this is my first time serving and my only knowledge of jury duty was 12 Angry Men with Henry Fonda and Runaway Jury (both book and movie) and both these were far from the realities. My own personal take away is 1) I am surprised listening to a case for about 4 hours a day can be very mentally draining and 2) I am surprised at how (for the most part) we all agreed we wanted to give the plaintiff money but yet we still had very different feelings on it.

{Twelve Angry Men}

I didn't want you all to think I have forgotten about you because I haven't. Lately I have been feeling mentally stuck and it is leaking into a lot of aspects of my life. I don't really want to go into the reasons why I am stuck on social media and all that (sorry). One of the major aspects in my life that have been affected by this mental stuck-ness is my walk with God. I have spent pages and pages in my prayer journal moaning and complaining about what is going on. (God is probably getting sick of it).  Awhile ago my friend shared with me that she was reading verses on God's faithfulness and God's promises. Let me just say she is going through harder times than I am and she seemed way more positive and encouraged than I could be. So I thought reading passages on faith and faithfulness might help... I realize I need to have more faith in God that He will get me through this time and He is faithful towards me (even when I am not always faithful to Him). I have a Life Application Bible which a nice topical index in the back and it has little notes that help the reader understand how to apply it their lives (I call them cliff notes)... so I have been going through passages that talk about faith.

Through this study I came across a passage in 2 Kings 7 that had a cliff note that said- "Sometimes we become so preoccupied with the problems when we should be looking for opportunities. Instead of focusing on the negatives, develop an attitude of expectancy. To say that God cannot rescue someone or that a situation is impossible demonstrates lack of faith."*

I am still no sure what it means to "develop an attitude of expectancy" if you do please give me some guidance. However, the next night  I wrote in my prayers... Lord you have blessed my life so much. Lord I have a job, I have a warm apartment, I have my volunteer work, I have Reunion (my church), and my family. Lord I am so thankful for all the blessings I have. Lord you have provided for me this much and I know you will continue to provide for me. Lord help me to change my attitude to focus on your goodness and await with expectation. Lord I know you are are going to do something amazing. Lord you have done something amazing, you sent your son to this earth, you created this earth, you created me and you call me child and beloved. You gave up your life so I may have eternal life in you, Lord only you who are truly perfect could save the world. Oh Lord my God you are master and creator, you are hope beyond hope. You are abundant in love and mercy. Your grace and love know no bounds. Your timing, your will, and plans are perfect.

Lord I do pray for your help. Oh Lord, for I know I can spout these words and I know I can really want to mean to mean them but I feel my so little reflects that. I feel I keep burying myself in negatives and sorrow. Oh my Lord my God, forgive me for my doubts, forgive me for my lack of faith. Lord I am weak and I stumble. Lord I so desperately want to live in your glory and to succeed in following you but it is to do that. I feel loss and sometimes hopeless. I question oh Lord my purpose and my reason for being here. My mind and focus are lost. Lord help me to cling to you or I know you have a plan and purpose for my life. Lord, I am sorry I dwell so much in negativity when you oh God are so wonderful. 

I know in one little prayer I do not have this all down. Staying negative is easy because it puts no effort into trying to find the good in the situation and it allows me to focus on myself. At my church we had a message on generosity (not just with our money) and the more I talked about the more I realized generosity comes from a place of gratefulness. How grateful can I be if I just sink in negative thinking? And if I can't be grateful for what I have, how can I demonstrate God's hope and security that I know He gives to me? So I am trying. I am trying to change my mindset and know that God is in control and that He has great plans for me and look forward to what is coming.

As I was writing this post a short song came on my shuffle with the lyrics -"Hope means holding on to you, Grace means you're hold me too," I thought this was applicable for this topic so I wanted to share it with you...

Song: Painted Red

By: JJ Heller

Link

I don't really have a conclusion for this post...just I want to keep trying.

*- Life Application Study Bible: New International Version, Zondervan, 1991. 

Tunes for Tuesday... Christmas music

Hello Lovely Readers,

After my last Tunes for Tuesday (link) where I shared music that inspired me while I was writing I thought this week it would be fun to share my favorite Christmas Music... In no particular order.

Even though I said no particular order this has been my favorite Christmas song this year

Song: Mary Did You Know?

By: Pentatonix 

Link

Song: God Rest Ye Merry Men
By: Mercy Me
Link

I listen to this song probably all year round--it is so beautiful

Song: O Come O Come Emanuel
By: Bethany Dillon
Link

Song: O Holy Night
By: Carrie Underwood
Link

I like these next 2 songs because I am from Oklahoma

Song: Oklahoma Christmas
By: Blake Shelton and Reba McEntire
Lyric

Song: BC Clark's Jingle
Link

I know this song gets dissed for being too materialistic
but I have memories of singing it with my sister

Song: Santa Baby
 By: Eartha Kitt
Link

Song: Carol of the Bells
By: Pentatonix
Link

No Christmas song list would be complete without this

 Song: Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas
By: Judy Garland
Link

Ah! So many Christmas songs I love... it is probably favorite type of music. And while in some ways I wish I listened to it all year round I am glad to keep it special for this time of year.

Tunes for Tuesday

Hello Lovely Readers,

I am so happy to announce that in my current work in progress I am a few pages of typing up my story to be done with the first draft of part one. YEAH!!! It feels so exciting and weird all at the same time. I love sharing my scenes with you guys (well who ever reads it) and other things that inspire me. Today I wanted to share music that keeps me inspired.

Song: Serenade (Piano, Violin)

By: Schubert

Link

Song: Distance

By: Christina Perri

Link

This is has become a recent favorite song of mine:

Song: Dancing in the Mine Fields

By: Andrew Peterson

Link

 

Song: Shattered

By: Trading Yesterday

Link

 

Song: Stat with Me (Violin cover)

By: Sam Smith

Link 

Song: I see Fire

By: Ed Sheeran

Link

There are more songs on my writing playlist but six is a good even number of songs to share... I hope you enjoy. 

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Frivolous Friday... Disney Princes Hot to Not

Hello my lovely readers,

I thought after my last post... this blog needed some lightheartedness, last week I was having a random conversation about Disney Princes with a friend and we started ranking them and I joked this would be a fun blog post so here I am writing it (feel free to disagree with me).

First, he is not a Disney Prince but I must say Dimitri from Anastasia (made by 21st Century Fox) probably takes the cake for one of the hottest cartoon characters... I mean Buzzfeed even has "23 Reasons why Dimitri from 'Anastaia' was a Major Heart Throb" (link) So he gets a special shout out.

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Now on to Disney Princes (I will be sticking to actual Princes either by birth or marry a Princess):

1. Flynn Ryder... I don't know if I love him more because he is voiced Zachary Levi

or if it is because of his wonderful one liners.

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Either way he is pretty awesome. 

2. Prince Phillip from Sleeping Beauty

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He gets major props because he didn't want to be forced to marry someone he hasn't even met even though she was a Princess.

Also there is a great scene where his father brings up his upcoming marriage (the one he doesn't want) where he has some sass..

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I like a Prince (even in cartoon form) who stands up for himself.

Plus he fights a scary dragon for the woman he loves. 

It also doesn't hurt that Buzzfeed has cast him to be played by Ryan Reynolds in real life. 

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3. Aladdin

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I think Aladdin gets props because he is the only Prince who changes to get the Princess.
Disney Princess get a lot of bad talk because people think that the girls have to change to get the guy (which I don't see as true) but in that vain I think it cute Aladdin changes for Jasmine.

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Besides he has a magic carpet that can travel the world...so you would save lots of money on plane tickets.

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4. Prince Eric

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Sometimes Prince Eric gets on my nerves because he seems like an idiot for searching for a girl with a voice when he clearly likes Ariel. Of course my feminist side does say he only likes her for her looks. Though when he thinks he will lose Ariel he does go and fight for her.
Let's just say his eyes and hair are both awesome.

On the not hot side...
5. Prince Charming from Cinderella

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The only reason I don't think he is not hot is because you don't really get to know him as a character.
I mean he barely speaks and talk about a guy falling for a girl just for her looks.

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When I was younger I loved Cinderella but after seeing Ever After I liked that twist on the classic story and Dougary Scott made a great Prince Charming.

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6. Prince Adam from Beauty and the Beast

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I know my friend that I was discussing this post with disagreed with me on views of Prince Adam, I just personally did not find him that attractive.
As I looking for pictures for this post I came across this:

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So maybe I need to reevaluate my thinking.
Though I am excited to see Dan Stevens play the Beast...whenever that film comes out

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 Before I finish this post I have to give a shout out to Robert Phillip (played by Patrick Dempsey) in Enchanted. I know he is not technically a "Prince" but he does dress like a prince and for a man who says he doesn't dance he actually dances quite well.

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Video: "Enchanted (So Close) with Lyrics"

Link 

I know this list is a little bias, as it really only talks about the films I like. So if you want more information most of these pictures come BuzzFeed (link) and they have their own ranking. 

Hope you have a nice weekend.

A Deeper Update

Hello Lovely Readers,

I have wanted to write a more in depth update on my life... as I felt my last post was a little light and didn't tell you what was actually going on in my life. Most of this is just a tangent.

Last post

To be honest I have been sulking a lot lately. I am going through some changes in my life and I am not exactly sure how to go through them. I don't know how comfortable I am sharing this all on social media... so why am I writing this post? Trust me I have been thinking that as well. As much as I want to share my thoughts, happenings and other things on this blog... I feel sometimes I have to be vague because I don't want my personal life all over the Internet. Okay maybe I am over dramatizing that... I mean I am not that sure how many people actually read this blog. So I come back to this question why am I writing this post?

Because sometimes I feel I get my thoughts out better out in this blog than I do in person. Sometimes I feel more comfortable sharing what I am going through on this blog, where I can assume all my readers are strangers than actually tell people what is going on in my mind... Sounds crazy? I blame being a writer for this. I have always thought I could express myself better in writing than out loud (even if my grammar sucks...sorry).

Lately I have felt like just wanting to escape, life isn't all that bad but I have felt stuck and I also feel like doors are closing around me and I am not sure which way to turn and sometimes it is just easier to give into these feelings than to keep getting out of bed and trying to hold my head up. So maybe that is why is I have gone through so many TV shows because escaping into their reality is easier than dealing with mine.

The idea of escaping or running away is very common for me, so please don't worry about me, it is just a defense mechanism I have. In high school, my school didn't have a lot of windows so I remember the classes in which  I did have windows I would sit and stare out them looking over to the East Bay (maybe I should state I went to high school on the peninsula of San Fransisco and we had a good view of the East Bay). Anyway, I would think about taking Amtrak out of Oakland and head anywhere but where I was... I never did that, I think I was too practical. So with this in my background I find it easier to just want to run away or escape into fictional worlds (either in book, TV, or movies).

I will admit, sadly my walk with God has not been that strong lately, and that is probably the main reason I feel so low. While it would be great to just buck up and get my life together, I am just feeling lost right now. Also I don't know how much desire my heart and mind have to change my circumstances, maybe if they had the desire I would be able to change? Or maybe I should put the words "fake it till you make it?" into play.

I want to act like everything is fine but that is all it is, it is just an act and I am so tired of acting. I am so tired of trying and coming up with nothing.

I feel like a lot of people are telling me how great I am, or how smart I am, or how everything will be okay. I know they are just trying to encourage me but I keep thinking if I am "great" or "smart" why isn't it working out for me. I feel like I am going to let all those people down and that probably hurts me more than anything.

As I was typing this up "Hopeless Wander" by Mumford and Sons came on and I thought the lyrics were actually expressing a little bit was I was feeling

"Hopeless Wanderer"

By: Mumford and Sons

Link

(Not Official Video) 

Love you guys for reading this and sticking with me. Sorry this was kind of a bummer for post in November. I don't know if I will post more or not this month as I am par taking in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) but I hope to have more to share more with of my story. 

Faithful music for Friday

Hello lovely readers,

I have posted this week I have gone through some dryness in my faith... Here are some songs that have been running in my head these last few weeks. These have inspired me to continue on through this time. 

Song: 10,000 Reasons 

By: Matt Redman

link

Song: This is Amazing Thing

By: Phil Wickham

link

Song; And if Our God is for Us

By: Christ Tomlin

link

Getting unstuck...Writing #Littleloves

Hello my lovely readers,

It is Wednesday and that means it is Writing Wednesday... I probably like this time the most because I can share what I working on creatively. In a previous post Writing #Littleloves I shared that I was feeling stuck in my writing. Well I struggled for awhile of what to do, what my story was really about, and why I was writing it? I know many writers struggle with writers block and I see a lot of pins on Pinterest about how to conquer writers block and I am not saying my advice is right but here are some things I did and it helped...

Read a great novel...

I cannot stop recommending The Winter Sea by Susanna Kearsley. I loved that it was about a writer trying to write a historical fiction. Also I liked how she talked about her process, one thing she did was tape down facts about the era she was writing about on her desk so she could look at them easily. I have notes that have kept about my characters but they are scattered about. So I took out my notes and taped them down.

Rethinking some things down

I am all about following inspiration and letting the characters telling me where the story is going. While that is great in some ways I felt I lost my point of my of my story. I want my story to be a romantic story of hoping in spite of obstacles. I want my story to be about Mattie and Kelby being separated by class, family obligation and war. World War I to be exact and yet I was nearly 100 pages into the writing and these things had not come up. So I decided I needed to rework my writing... but how?

Skip Ahead

 Most of my work in progress is building up to WWI but this is where I was getting stuck because I didn't know how to take my characters from the life they were living and throwing them into War... So I took a step back from my current plot and wrote a scene in the middle of the war. You can part of that scene here... "Author Happiness". Skipping ahead really helped me feel inspired to get back into my story.

Do some research...It can be fun

Okay I will admit I was a history major and yeah I went for Masters in Library Science so I enjoy research...but it can be fun. For example: I found this documentary "Diaries of the Great War" on Netflix and for me I watch the documentaries 8 episodes and take notes of things I want to mention in my story. Also I have a board on Pinterest called "The War to end all Wars" and follow other boards about World War I. So even though you may not be writing a WWI novel I am sure you can find areas of research that are fun. 

Listen to Inspiring Music

When I am writing, I like to have music going. Sometimes I just find a song that speak to me. I am not going to make suggestions on what songs to listen to as I know music taste really vary. Here is one song I have just discovered and feel it well with my story...

Song: Carry you

By: The Native Sibling

Link 

Get distracted

Link

If you are not on a deadline (which I am not except my own thinking) it is okay to walk away from your writing. I have really gotten into Poldark on PBS. It is about Ross Poldark who is believed to be dead after fighting for the British in the American Revolution. He comes home to find the woman he loved to be engaged to his cousin, his inheritance in practical ruins, and he has to make a new life for himself. It is great! Plus you get to see Adrian Turner without a shirt...

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While it has nothing to do with WWI, I don't care! It is my distraction. 

Okay back to serious writing..

Outline/ Timeline

As I said above I usually about following inspiration and my one weakness is making an outline. When I skipped ahead and wrote that scene I decided that I wanted to weave it into my story as a flash forward.... but then I thought "now what" I have this one random flash forward. What do I do with this. So I was going to have more flash forwards about the war, this would help me pull the war more into my story. So I sat down and actually outlined my work in progress and it feels good to have a direction.

 

Typed it up/Write it down

I know this takes a long time but I am the kind of writer that has to write down my story and then type it. Only on a few occasions have I been able to look at a blank screen and just type up my story. It really helped me to type up some parts, re-working my descriptions, adding some detailing and even taking out some unneeded dialogue. 

If you are the type of writer who can type up a story and are feeling stuck I suggest maybe stepping away from the computer and hand writing some things out. 

 Dream

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 I know this will not be hard for writers as writing is basically dreams you put on paper. While right now I remain unpublished I think of the day my story will be published and I love thinking about the cover of my story. So I have spent some time while stuck searching Pinterest to get some inspiring art to be the cover of my story. I know right now I do not own this picture and I know that my publisher will have their ideas on what to make the cover look like but right now I am just enjoying the idea of a possible cover. 

Enjoy!

When I first started my thesis, for my graduate program, my advisor said choose something you are going to enjoy even when its tough. "Choose your own hell." Enjoy your work, enjoy your research, enjoy your time you spend writing. I know for me writing is sometimes the only thing that make sense to me. I enjoy getting lost in my characters, and lost in my story. If you don't enjoy it maybe it is time to set it aside and work on something you do enjoy, work on something you find passion in. 

I know I am not a published author so you can take my words with a grain of salt but these are things I have found useful. 

Just Dance

 Link

"God gave you Something Special"... Music for Frivolous Friday

 Hello Lovely Readers,

While I don't watch ABC's Nashville as much as I used too I have a Nashville playlist on my Pandora (mostly because I like country music). Listening to Pandora (on my shuffle) I have heard this song come up a couple times and fell in love with it and was honestly surprised it came from Nashville (I can't really explain why). But I thought for this "Frivolous Friday" post I would share some music with you all...

Link

Lyrics: 

That same road that brought you here
Will sure as hell take you home
The life you left behind will have you back
You're tired of paying dues in worn out shoes
and Broadway blues
And any fool will tell you
the damn ol' deck is stacked

What if you're just a vessel
And God gave you something special

It ain't yours to throw away
It ain't yours to throw away
Every time you open up your mouth
Diamonds come rolling out
It ain't yours to throw away
Oh ...

And all of the players, the movers, and shakers
The star maker suits have gone home
You drew the last slot
You thought it was your shot
But now it's just one more chance blown

What if you're just a vessel
And God gave you something special

It ain't yours to throw away
It ain't yours to throw away
Every time you open up your mouth
Diamonds come rolling out
It ain't yours to throw away
No ...

I would also like to give a shout out to my friends who are celebrating their anniversary this weekend... 

Photo by: Deborah Zoe Photography

Monday #Littleloves

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 Hello Lovely Readers,

Through my book challenge and the Twitter #26BookswithBringupBurns I found the blog Typically Ted and found the great badge #LittleLoves

And in the blog it talks about the little loves in your life... so here I go.

It is less than a week from going on my first trip with my mom to Paris. 

My mom and I have been planning this trip for years so I am excited but it seems surreal for it to be coming true. 

 

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Every time I say "surreal" I always think of Noting Hill.

Reading

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 Book 12 in my challenge The Chance fulfills the requirement of reading a book you own but haven't read. My friend gave it to me for my last birthday but I just got around to reading it. It wasn't very long and the story is cute with a good message about hope, forgiveness and second chances. 

Link
Am I the only one who thinks it is odd that books have trailers that are like movie trailers?

Watch

Now that both Park and Rec and Parenthood are over I really only have one TV show that I watch on a usual bases and that is Reign. 

However, I just finished watching the show Turn that was on AMC (through Netflix)

{trailer for season1}

And I am not ashamed admit that I watched it mostly because of JJ Fields 

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Who yes is a bad guy (well bad if you are rooting for America) but I love him as Mr. Tilney in Northanger Abbey so it was interesting to see him play a bad guy.

Mr Tilney

Also I have started watching Arrested Development for the first time since I did not watch it when it was on TV but I am only a few episodes in and thus far have not felt the need to binge watch it.

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 Wore

 Breaking in new shoes for Paris

Heard

Usually I listen to NPR in the morning while at work and then in the afternoon I turn on my Pandora account. I have a 90's Pop Radio station and I love when an N*SYNC songs come on and I still sing every word.

Planning

Besides my trip to Paris,  I am planning a trip to see my sister and meet my newest nephew. 

From my trip meeting my first niece

Still can't believe that picture was taken more than 5 years ago.

Okay those are my #littleloves for the week. 

I am ready for my life to begin

I talk a lot about my faith on this blog, but lately (the last few months) I keep coming back to two questions in my life: 1)What does living in faith mean? 2) What is the purpose of my life? I don't have answers to either of these questions. But I have making some process on these questions and that is what I want to share with you today.

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I live my life by pretty much by routine...if you know personally you will not be surprised by this. I like my schedule and knowing whats coming (I do not handle spontaneity well). I get up turn on my coffee pot, have my quiet time while enjoying my first cup of coffee, get ready for work (I put on my moisturizer, then start my makeup, eat breakfast (while moisturizer settles in), take my vitamins, brush teeth, then get dressed (I am paranoid that I will drop toothpaste on my clothes) put on finishing touches, such as perfume, and blush), then I head out for work. Read my book on the T, take the Green Line inbound then switch to the Red line (never really looking up from my book). Usually grab another cup of coffee before sitting down at my desk, talk to my boss about what he would like me to do for the day, then plug my head phones in and listen to NPR. Okay this could go on for a bit, but I think you get my point.., I am a creature of habit and I rather like it (most of the time). Sometimes I wonder if there is something more?

I think this where my original questions come from. Last year I was going through my Bible focusing on verses that I the word "faith" in them (there are a lot).

A couple of years ago with the word "hope" and discovered that hope in God is like a day in Winter knowing that Spring will come and holding on to that. Hope in God is holding onto something we know is coming and keep going forward with that knowledge. (Read more)

There is the classic verse "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1(NIV) and I am not disliking that verse but I am still left wondering what that means for me? How can I live out my faith? What does "living out my faith" even mean? Is it random acts through out my day? Is it a life style change? And if the answer is yes to that then what does that look like like?

I don't think of myself as a visual person but I would like a model for what it means to live out my faith in the 21st century. Does it mean I have to become a missionary? Does it mean I only listen to "Christian" music, and stop watching TV?  I am not sure. This is the part I grapple with. And I feel in my struggle to answer these questions I get stuck.

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I am afraid to make a move because what if I make the wrong move. I also afraid if I move without knowing what to do, where will I go next? Not necessarily physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So I let these fears stop me.

On Wednesday night I went to Community Group (Bible study) and we went through the passage Mark 5 about how Jesus heals a man from demon possession. It is one of those stories in Bible, that are great at showing how mighty God and Jesus are, but hard to understand how they apply to our day to day. However, there was one really great question that stuck out... Do we (I) live as if God is in control?

If I am to answer this question honestly, most of the time, No. I mean day by day I know he is in control because he has the power to take my life away, take away everything I think I own, or every person I love. But He doesn't. But most of the time I feel I take advantage of His love, His grace, and all the blessings He has given me. So I in that way I don't feel I live like God is in control because I let myself take over. However, on the flip side of this I know what it is like to not have God in my life. I have had some low moments in my life where I feel I am drowning in an ocean and no one is coming to save me. I have tried to tread what for so long (just to keep my head above the water) but I am tired of that so I stop treading water and sink. Those feeling are very real to me and I know at those moment I need God more than anything.

{link to YouTube}

I have liked "Oceans (where feet may fail)" because of these feelings. 

I still don't have an answer to my original question... but life is not about having an answer. What I do know is that for me faith is living like God is in control. I am still not sure what that looks like but it is a good first step, I think another step I need to take is just to move. I can't keep letting myself be held back, I can't keep making excuses, and I can't keep praying for change without moving. Now where do I go from here? I am not sure but I know God is in control and that is pretty awesome. Because He is the only one who can provide truth, hope, rest, joy, wisdom, strength, and salvation.

About my second question, from the beginning of this blog, I think I will learn as I discover more and more about how to live out my faith. In reading verses on faith I found a great verse "the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love"- Galatians 5:6b (NIV). I think I want this to be more and more true of my life... that I am doing things out love. 

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Last night on Parenthood Adam was having a conversation on finding a passion and following that. I know I have passions and I think using those passions to work for God's kingdom is my purpose. I am reading the book A Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and in chapter 7 he states "the ultimate goal of the universe is to show the glory of God." Then he writes "Each of us was uniquely designed by God with talents, gifts, skills, and abilities. The way you are "wired" is not an accident." I think what I need to do is think about my passions and my gifts and begin thinking how I can use those to do work for God. One thing I will have to be careful about is making sure these are not just activities added to my day and that become motions. I recognize I need God's guidance to have these thoughts, ideas, actions, pursuits, and motives to really change my life. Rick Warren writes, "real life begins by committing yourself completely to Jesus." And I am ready for my life to begin...