This feels like an odd time... We have passed Labor Day weekend and everyone is talking about Fall. I will admit I could do with some cooler weather but I am not ready for it to be Fall, I am enough of a "Negative Nelly" that I don't like Fall because that means Winter is coming and I hate Winter. Though I will admit I am looking forward to Pumpkin Spice Lattes, being cozy in sweaters, and I am hoping with cooler weather I will want to cook more in my kitchen. Right now my kitchen feels too hot to cook in but I am not embracing that just because it is after Labor Day that it is now Fall... NO! But it does feel weird now, because Summer does feel over. So this is an in between time.
Doesn't life often feel like this when we are stuck in between seasons we can see a new beginning but we are not there yet? Well maybe it is just me.
Throw back: when my niece and sister came to Boston
There is a great quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald that says "Life starts all over again when it get crisp in the fall." Even up here in New England we are still having some end of summer warmth, though it is apparent the day are getting shorter and sometimes the morning are cool enough I wrap a scarf around my neck (but I just love scarves).
Anyway, I have been feeling for the last couple of months a new beginning is upon me... And things are really happening. Sadly, I cannot put all the changes happening on social media, trust me if I could tell you all I would... but until things are settled I cannot. I am not a fan of change, it usually stresses me out because in change there is something in the unknown. However, as I feel this newness coming on me I have been actively praying to God for him to prepare my heart for what is to come. That is one amazing thing about God, He knows every detail of our lives. He knows our past, present, and future and He truly is control. Many times I think I can handle my own life and I try to be in control and slowly I start feeling I am beginning to drown.
I am sick of that cycle, so as I felt this "new beginning" feeling I am trying to cling to God.
I pray frequently that my life is in His hands. For we are not promised tomorrow, next month or next year, and I pray that God leads me on while I am on this journey of figuring things out. I know God's future for me is secure and I know He only wants the best for me. This is what I hold onto.
Question: Are you facing a time of newness in your life? Are you clinging on to God?
It is Wednesday and that means it is Writing Wednesday... I probably like this time the most because I can share what I working on creatively. In a previous post Writing #Littleloves I shared that I was feeling stuck in my writing. Well I struggled for awhile of what to do, what my story was really about, and why I was writing it? I know many writers struggle with writers block and I see a lot of pins on Pinterest about how to conquer writers block and I am not saying my advice is right but here are some things I did and it helped...
Read a great novel...
I cannot stop recommending The Winter Sea by Susanna Kearsley. I loved that it was about a writer trying to write a historical fiction. Also I liked how she talked about her process, one thing she did was tape down facts about the era she was writing about on her desk so she could look at them easily. I have notes that have kept about my characters but they are scattered about. So I took out my notes and taped them down.
Rethinking some things down
I am all about following inspiration and letting the characters telling me where the story is going. While that is great in some ways I felt I lost my point of my of my story. I want my story to be a romantic story of hoping in spite of obstacles. I want my story to be about Mattie and Kelby being separated by class, family obligation and war. World War I to be exact and yet I was nearly 100 pages into the writing and these things had not come up. So I decided I needed to rework my writing... but how?
Skip Ahead
Most of my work in progress is building up to WWI but this is where I was getting stuck because I didn't know how to take my characters from the life they were living and throwing them into War... So I took a step back from my current plot and wrote a scene in the middle of the war. You can part of that scene here... "Author Happiness". Skipping ahead really helped me feel inspired to get back into my story.
Do some research...It can be fun
Okay I will admit I was a history major and yeah I went for Masters in Library Science so I enjoy research...but it can be fun. For example: I found this documentary "Diaries of the Great War" on Netflix and for me I watch the documentaries 8 episodes and take notes of things I want to mention in my story. Also I have a board on Pinterest called "The War to end all Wars" and follow other boards about World War I. So even though you may not be writing a WWI novel I am sure you can find areas of research that are fun.
Listen to Inspiring Music
When I am writing, I like to have music going. Sometimes I just find a song that speak to me.I am not going to make suggestions on what songs to listen to as I know music taste really vary. Here is one song I have just discovered and feel it well with my story...
If you are not on a deadline (which I am not except my own thinking) it is okay to walk away from your writing. I have really gotten into Poldark on PBS. It is about Ross Poldark who is believed to be dead after fighting for the British in the American Revolution. He comes home to find the woman he loved to be engaged to his cousin, his inheritance in practical ruins, and he has to make a new life for himself. It is great! Plus you get to see Adrian Turner without a shirt...
While it has nothing to do with WWI, I don't care! It is my distraction.
Okay back to serious writing..
Outline/ Timeline
As I said above I usually about following inspiration and my one weakness is making an outline. When I skipped ahead and wrote that scene I decided that I wanted to weave it into my story as a flash forward.... but then I thought "now what" I have this one random flash forward. What do I do with this. So I was going to have more flash forwards about the war, this would help me pull the war more into my story. So I sat down and actually outlined my work in progress and it feels good to have a direction.
Typed it up/Write it down
I know this takes a long time but I am the kind of writer that has to write down my story and then type it. Only on a few occasions have I been able to look at a blank screen and just type up my story. It really helped me to type up some parts, re-working my descriptions, adding some detailing and even taking out some unneeded dialogue.
If you are the type of writer who can type up a story and are feeling stuck I suggest maybe stepping away from the computer and hand writing some things out.
I know this will not be hard for writers as writing is basically dreams you put on paper. While right now I remain unpublished I think of the day my story will be published and I love thinking about the cover of my story. So I have spent some time while stuck searching Pinterest to get some inspiring art to be the cover of my story. I know right now I do not own this picture and I know that my publisher will have their ideas on what to make the cover look like but right now I am just enjoying the idea of a possible cover.
Enjoy!
When I first started my thesis, for my graduate program, my advisor said choose something you are going to enjoy even when its tough. "Choose your own hell." Enjoy your work, enjoy your research, enjoy your time you spend writing. I know for me writing is sometimes the only thing that make sense to me. I enjoy getting lost in my characters, and lost in my story. If you don't enjoy it maybe it is time to set it aside and work on something you do enjoy, work on something you find passion in.
I know I am not a published author so you can take my words with a grain of salt but these are things I have found useful.
I want to blog more, I do I really do but right now I feel I am stuck and I feel I have written the same post over and over.
Today in my quiet time I read Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.. I know I have talked about this book before and yet again I am amazed that in reading it that chapters hit me and speak to me in certain ways. I believe there is almost like a power behind reading a book, article or blog post at just the right time. This chapter was about "love" not romantic love but about loving God and others. The greatest commandment is "Love the Lord God with all your heart and all your mind" the second follows "Love your neighbor as yourself." These two ideas sum up the entire ten commandments.
The chapter focuses on we show our love by our time. When I type it out it sounds simple but is it? I am the first one to admit when I am overwhelmed by life I back away from my relationships and just want to focus on my work. Last semester when I was finishing my thesis I felt I had no life besides my thesis and my relationships with my friends and family took a back seat. I thought this was necessary to get through things. But when I finished my thesis I realized how miserably isolated I had become. I also realized I had true friends and family who supported me through all of it and were so ready to rejoice when I was done.
Some of my support team
When I first started writing this post I thought about saying I was going on hiatus from blogging while I figure things out. Hence, the "under construction" sign because I feel like my life is under construction... being newly graduated and thinking about what to do with my life.
Going back to love: I keep saying I want to make a difference in this world. If you have read my blog long enough you are probably getting annoyed with this phrase. Anyway, as much as I say it... I don't do anything. Which, when typing that out seems ridiculous. If I want to do something I should just start. I guess my question is where?
I have a few friends going through job searches and when they say "I don't know what to do with my life," I ask them "what are you passionate about?" I think I need to turn the question on myself and figure out what I am passionate about and turn that into action.
If my time is my love then I am showing a great amount of love towards Pinterest, TV, and other mindless things. And why? These things are not eternal. They are hardly life giving. So what is eternal? What is life giving?
The basic and really hard answer is LOVE.
So I leave this post with more questions than answers but I think I know my next step... find my passion.
Sorry I am writing that a bit late... but better late than never right?
Yes!
That is Benedict Cumberbatch in the background.
I have been on visiting family for Christmas and I have not looked at my computer. I went to Oklahoma to see my Dad's family and for a few days there were 5 children under 5... needles to say it very chaotic and loud at points but also wonderful. Then I went to visit my mom's house (in Southern California) and enjoyed some relaxation and sun. I also got to attend the Palm Springs International Film Gala (and thanks to my step-dad's connections got to stand with the press and see some stars up close)...probably the highlight of 2015. Besides Benedict Cumberbatch, I got to see Allen Leech (Tom Branson from Downton), Eddie Redmayne (Les Mis, Theory of Everything), Reese Witherspoon, Steve Carell, Patrick Stewart, Julianne Moore and many others. It was a great night...one I hope to never forget.
Left to right: Patrick Stewart, Eddie Redmayne, Allen Leech, Reese Witherspoon
Steve Carell.
But now I am back in cold Boston. I am done with grad school (odd to say and realize) and will have to soon face the reality of looking for a real "adult" job... However, there are some things I would like to accomplish in 2015. In my "looking back thinking ahead" post I wrote I want to:
"1) Invest or re-invest in the friendships I have"... Last semester I was felt very isolated, I mean minus my roommate and cat I really didn't feel to be connected to anyone. I haven't gone to community group (or Bible study) in months and I think that drained me a bit. I tried to keep up with friends but it was an effort and I didn't like the feeling of "scheduling" fun time. But I had too.
Pics from night of celebrating... in December
So happy to celebrate end of thesis
"2)Work on transforming my mind in order to understand God's purpose in my life"... I am not sure how I am going to this. I think going back to Bible study will help, even just to pull me out of thinking only about myself. Also making quiet time a priority... I usually do it first thing in the morning while enjoying a cup of coffee but sometimes I feel it makes little impact on the rest of my day.
At church on Sunday we are going through a series called Fray about about how our lives have been torn because of our separation from God. It also has a little bit of typical New Years Resolution. For example last week they talked about "diets and health" but how we make we can make the strive for dieting and health our idol (I missed that week but I got the gist). This week had been about relationships and how we have gotten distracted from what we really matter. I know I fall pray to this A LOT. Beyond relationships I say I want to write more but after work I come home and I watch mindless television. I keep saying I want to change but I feel stuck a lot of the time... I don't think it has to do with just being done with grad-school.
I have noticed in my life that sometimes when things come along that are challenging instead of taking on the challenge I just give up. I know my mom will read this and remind me that I have written a thesis, moved across country, and other things. And I know those details too but sometimes I feel I give up to easily. I mean I can't ride a bike because it was too hard to ride without training wheels and not that is a huge regret but I feel sometime scared by other moments and other situations I have walked away from because they are just too hard and I sit back and think if I had just tried a little harder would things have been differently? I know lots of people sit back and reflect on their lives and see if there was a point in which things could have changed, especially at this time of the year when we have the whole year in front of us to make changes, to set goals, to feel we can accomplish things we didn't do last year.
One thing my pastor said is a lot of times we tell ourselves "when I do this then I can do this" the example he gave is "when I graduate then I will be able to do ___(fill in blank)___." I have probably said this more than a few times even if not out loud. I have written here that have felt stuck in grad-school waiting for my life to begin. Well now it can begin. Not only is this a new year it is a new time in my life. I don't have to keep putting my life on hold because of school and it feels awesome. I want to do things with my life... I want to begin on making a difference in the world around me. I am not for sure what that looks like, I have though about doing some volunteer work or something. I just know I don't want to be writing a post on Jan. 13, 2016 looking back with regrets wishing I had done something, or wishing I hadn't said that thing I said. I want my 2015 to mean something.
So there you go that is my resolution for 2015, for it to mean something. I will keep you posted on the journey.
I have been thinking and writing about my passion. I think as I face hopefully my last semester it has somewhat been haunting me. I have basically been in school for the last 23 years minus the year I took off in between undergrad and graduate school. When I went from undergraduate to graduate school I was on a plan that I thought about my sophomore year of college. I knew then me majoring in history was not going to get me a career so still following my dream of being Abigail Chase (the girl from National Treasure...read Adulthood Angst) I looked into Library Science school and that was the plan.
Since then things really haven't changed... but my thoughts have changed on life. One that year I had planned to take off became a year and half and during that year and a half I probably faced the hardest heart ache I have had to face. And while I struggled on this side of it I have felt a lot of growth in my life and my faith.
Well when I started Library School I had my heart set on working in the Library of Congress, I had visited after my senior year of school, and it was just an incredible place of books... and the geek in me could not help but falling in love with it. But over time I discovered that the Library of Congress in all its big and grandness I probably wouldn't be able to interact with people as much as I would like to. Yes some librarian actually want to talk to people. I have had my mind set on being a reference archivist because I figured it would be a nice blend of handling old documents, interacting with people, and helping with research (which I actually like to do).
Maybe I am just feeling burnt out by school, but while my mind has been set on being a reference archivist, my heart has been longing for something else. Well generically I am passionate about my friends, family and my faith. But yep its pretty generic. Since I have been thinking, praying and posting about my want of passion, I have been thinking: When was the last time I was truly passionate about something? During my prayer time my answer came to me: Honduras, Living Water, those children.
I know I have probably over used this picture but I love it
I have always had a heart for children from my nieces and nephews (biological and the friend's kids I have "adopted") and for a long time it has been on my heart to adopt. I don't want any kid to go through life feeling un-special or unloved. And if I can provide that love and that feeling of special-ness... then what do I care if they look like me or not. That is a long term dream and passion of mine... but what about the present?
We are still going through the book of James in my church. If you know anything about the book of James he is really about doing your faith and not just saying you have faith. My pastor said something that struck me that "we create the kingdom of God here on earth." I had never thought of it that way. I mean I knew "our goal" as Christians was to bring heaven to Earth (typing that out...sounds like weird wording) maybe better to say to represent the Kingdom of God here on Earth. But I never thought about creating that... as a wanna-be-writer I think about creating a lot. So I liked the analogy of creating the kingdom of God here on Earth.
I think that is what I need to do more in my life... doing my faith not just reading my Bible, praying and talking about my faith. Not that those are bad but I don't think they are enough. I am not for sure what that looks like right now so I am just praying about it. But I know being open to God and what He wants will lead me down the right path.
One of my favorite things when I get really into a story I am writing is to find an image and to think I want that for my cover (if I could). For my last story Sisters of Pine Haven I found the one below. Now for my story Rose Gray (working title) I found the above picture.
I know most of my story takes place in pre-WWI and will go into WWI .This 1920's hat is not very appropriate for the time period (I know) but I feel the 1920's is when my character will step beyond her comfort zone and be the heroine we desire.
Side Note: If my working title is Rose Gray does that make anyone think of 50 Shades of Grey? I have never read them (and I never will) but I don't want a reader to think my book is closely related to that. Let me know your thoughts.
I do not own these pictures so I know they probably will not be my cover art but I do like them and I find them very inspiring. I can't wait to one day be published and get to chose the art work for my cover.
Last year when I picked up blogging again the first blogger I came across was Sarah now at Well and Cheaply her blog inspired me to be a better blogger. So I think it is only appropriate to feature her this week. In her post "I'm a writer" she writes about the guilt she faces for not being a published writer.
So, I haven't actually talked about the fact that I'm a writer on this blog yet. And while I like to consider this a "lifestyle blog," which sort of gives me the freedom to write about whatever the hell I want, I also hope for this space to be a writer's blog. Before I start talking about my writing here though, I have something else I'm afraid to tell you:
The other day, my mom was asking me about my writing in a completely supportive and interested way. And I just didn't want to talk about it. Finally, she said, "why are you acting defensive? Is it the question's I'm asking?" And I couldn't answer her. I knew she was right, I knew I was acting defensive and yet, why?
The conversation stuck in my head for a long time, and I was trying to figure out what was going on. I think that I've come to a place where my relationship with writing -while I'm very passionate about it, is steeped in guilt and shame. All of this guilt and shame has to do with not being published. And I think I spend my time telling myself that I don't really feel this way. And yet, when my mom asks me about my writing I get defensive because if I really let my guard down, I know I'd just start crying.
Since she came out about her guilt for not being published. I will come out about my feelings about writing. I feel ashamed about my writing. I have been writing stories since I was a little girl, I can't remember when I wasn't writing. But the truth is as much as I envision myself as a writer more specifically a novelist I have never finished a story. All my life I have filled notebooks maybe half way through then got inspired by another idea and I would drop the notebook and move onto another story. I think when I was in high school my mom got fed up with all these notebooks and started throwing them away (rightly so). Because I have never finished a story, I don't really come out and tell people I am a writer, it takes me awhile to feel comfortable with them to let them know that my passion in life is writing. Writing is a very vulnerable process for me, as I am sure it is with most writers, my stories are my own little world and letting some one in that space is very hard for me.
For a long time I would write stories and never let anyone read them. I was embarrassed by my horrible spelling skills and grammar is hard for me as well. How can I be a writer if I can't spell or even properly construct a sentence?
I guess I am also embarrassed by my writings. They are definitely written from a hopeful romantic perspective, who idealizes the past and wishes that first loves would be life time loves. I guess my writings always seemed a little silly or foolish in the world of serious literature but this is the world I escape to. It is my happy place, I guess if I was to put a picture to my happy place this would be it...
But if I didn't write I think I would feel a void. With this blog and all the love and support I have gotten through writing it I am more willing to let people into my world. Though sometimes it is hard to let people in so sorry if I don't come right out and share my passion with you.
Right now I am really pushing myself to finish my current story even if it never gets published I want to say I finished writing a story The Sisters of Pine Haven.
I saw this on Pinterest and thought it was good inspiration to end this post...
My favorite blogger Soundtrack to I do had a great post last week in which she writes a letter to her future boyfriend/husband that I really loved so I wanted to direct your attention to it.
Dear Mr. Someday,
Since you are a male, and I am a female, there is one thing I know for sure: I am going to confuse you sometimes. Probably a lot. So, I thought I’d give you some pointers, now, ahead of time, to help a brother out. Because it would probably be pretty annoying if I was giving you pointers once we were dating. Plus I won’t want to, because I’m going to want you to magically know how to deal with treat me. Amiright, ladies? Oh sorry Mr. Someday, back to you. So, here’s my list of handy dandy tips, which I may casually print and leave lying around somewhere for you to find one day, when you’re mine. (These are not in order of importance, or any order at all, really.)
This semester I have an internship where I have been cataloging letters written to the Academy. Most of them are from people in Boston, or other places in the U.S. but some are from France,Italy, Vienna, or even Russia. When I get these letters I go on Google to find out where these places are. I must admit I get sucked into my Google Image search as I explore the world beyond my little desk and imagine what these places must be like.
I can't complain too much. I have had my fair share of traveling for being only 25 years old. After my freshman year of college my mom, step-dad and I went on a Mediterranean cruise where I got to see southern France, Florence, Rome, Athens, Mykonos (a little island in Greece), Istanbul, and Ephesus. Then during my Junior year of college my mom and I went to London and Bath on my Spring Break and we frequently talk about our next trip over to Europe. We have decided it will be Paris and Versailles. And I will be travelling down to Honduras with Living Water International this August.
In Ephesus
At the Trevi Fountain
In the Aegean Sea
At the Jane Austen Center
At Windsor Castle
At Big Ben
I am not complaining I have loved all that I have seen and done. But there is still so much I want to see out in this big world. So when I read these letters from all over the world I long for times of traveling. I told my supervisor today that maybe one day I can trace a source back to its original place, she looked at me very idealistically. But as a current grad student it is only right for me to dream.
Earlier this month Laura wrote a post about what she wanted to be when she grew up. I was so inspired by her post I decided to share with her what I wanted to be when I grew up in my post "What do you want to be?" It was lots of fun writing this post remembering all the things I thought I wanted to be from a ballerina, a train conductor, to now pursing my Masters in Library Science while filling up note books of stories. Life is an interesting journey. Hope you will go over her to her blog and enjoy.
I have enjoyed both having guest bloggers and writing guest blogs. Please contact me if you too would like to be a guest blogger. This has been such fun for me to share other people's stories and adventures. I would love to share yours, rather you are a regular blogger or not I would love to share your writing.
It is a really old school song but I thought it was great for welcoming in the month of February. Especially a February that starts at 58 degrees. I know I am single and I don't have a Valentine but I am such a hopeful romantic that I get caught up in the idea of Valentine's day. The day when you get to express your feelings. In a very corny way I think it would be sweet for the guy I like to use Valentine's day as a reason to tell me he liked me too. But that is probably something that only happens in a movie. Oh well I can dream right?
slowly I start feeling I am beginning to drown.
