Timid or Playing it Safe pt.2

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Hello Lovely Readers,

It has been over 3 years since I wrote the "Timid or Playing it Safe?" And that was about relationships. But I still question am I being timid?

Last year I thought about going on Missions and one of the countries that was a possibility was Tunisia. But things came up 1) I didn't graduate in May and so I couldn't leave move over seas in September and 2) I got lost my passion for it and I reconsidered going. In a way I forgot about it and completed my thesis and have now graduated school.

With the recent violence in Tunisia my heart has been re-awaken to this country. On the one hand I am happy not to be there because I know my mom and family would be anxious for me. However on the other hand I would want to be there to experience it and be able God's love there in this time of turmoil.

Lately I have come to realized that sometimes I play it too safe. I honestly feel trapped between what I want to do and the the things I have to do. Some one asked me "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?" I thought, I like to travel, I like to write, and help people. How can I can take these passions and actually make a difference?

I don't have an answer to that question. But that is my life right now and I will continue to pray about it. One thing I know for sure is I have to trust God more to work through my timidity.

Thanks for reading this short post as I continue to work things out.

Please answer in the comments below "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?"

I am ready for my life to begin

I talk a lot about my faith on this blog, but lately (the last few months) I keep coming back to two questions in my life: 1)What does living in faith mean? 2) What is the purpose of my life? I don't have answers to either of these questions. But I have making some process on these questions and that is what I want to share with you today.

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I live my life by pretty much by routine...if you know personally you will not be surprised by this. I like my schedule and knowing whats coming (I do not handle spontaneity well). I get up turn on my coffee pot, have my quiet time while enjoying my first cup of coffee, get ready for work (I put on my moisturizer, then start my makeup, eat breakfast (while moisturizer settles in), take my vitamins, brush teeth, then get dressed (I am paranoid that I will drop toothpaste on my clothes) put on finishing touches, such as perfume, and blush), then I head out for work. Read my book on the T, take the Green Line inbound then switch to the Red line (never really looking up from my book). Usually grab another cup of coffee before sitting down at my desk, talk to my boss about what he would like me to do for the day, then plug my head phones in and listen to NPR. Okay this could go on for a bit, but I think you get my point.., I am a creature of habit and I rather like it (most of the time). Sometimes I wonder if there is something more?

I think this where my original questions come from. Last year I was going through my Bible focusing on verses that I the word "faith" in them (there are a lot).

A couple of years ago with the word "hope" and discovered that hope in God is like a day in Winter knowing that Spring will come and holding on to that. Hope in God is holding onto something we know is coming and keep going forward with that knowledge. (Read more)

There is the classic verse "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1(NIV) and I am not disliking that verse but I am still left wondering what that means for me? How can I live out my faith? What does "living out my faith" even mean? Is it random acts through out my day? Is it a life style change? And if the answer is yes to that then what does that look like like?

I don't think of myself as a visual person but I would like a model for what it means to live out my faith in the 21st century. Does it mean I have to become a missionary? Does it mean I only listen to "Christian" music, and stop watching TV?  I am not sure. This is the part I grapple with. And I feel in my struggle to answer these questions I get stuck.

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I am afraid to make a move because what if I make the wrong move. I also afraid if I move without knowing what to do, where will I go next? Not necessarily physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So I let these fears stop me.

On Wednesday night I went to Community Group (Bible study) and we went through the passage Mark 5 about how Jesus heals a man from demon possession. It is one of those stories in Bible, that are great at showing how mighty God and Jesus are, but hard to understand how they apply to our day to day. However, there was one really great question that stuck out... Do we (I) live as if God is in control?

If I am to answer this question honestly, most of the time, No. I mean day by day I know he is in control because he has the power to take my life away, take away everything I think I own, or every person I love. But He doesn't. But most of the time I feel I take advantage of His love, His grace, and all the blessings He has given me. So I in that way I don't feel I live like God is in control because I let myself take over. However, on the flip side of this I know what it is like to not have God in my life. I have had some low moments in my life where I feel I am drowning in an ocean and no one is coming to save me. I have tried to tread what for so long (just to keep my head above the water) but I am tired of that so I stop treading water and sink. Those feeling are very real to me and I know at those moment I need God more than anything.

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I have liked "Oceans (where feet may fail)" because of these feelings. 

I still don't have an answer to my original question... but life is not about having an answer. What I do know is that for me faith is living like God is in control. I am still not sure what that looks like but it is a good first step, I think another step I need to take is just to move. I can't keep letting myself be held back, I can't keep making excuses, and I can't keep praying for change without moving. Now where do I go from here? I am not sure but I know God is in control and that is pretty awesome. Because He is the only one who can provide truth, hope, rest, joy, wisdom, strength, and salvation.

About my second question, from the beginning of this blog, I think I will learn as I discover more and more about how to live out my faith. In reading verses on faith I found a great verse "the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love"- Galatians 5:6b (NIV). I think I want this to be more and more true of my life... that I am doing things out love. 

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Last night on Parenthood Adam was having a conversation on finding a passion and following that. I know I have passions and I think using those passions to work for God's kingdom is my purpose. I am reading the book A Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and in chapter 7 he states "the ultimate goal of the universe is to show the glory of God." Then he writes "Each of us was uniquely designed by God with talents, gifts, skills, and abilities. The way you are "wired" is not an accident." I think what I need to do is think about my passions and my gifts and begin thinking how I can use those to do work for God. One thing I will have to be careful about is making sure these are not just activities added to my day and that become motions. I recognize I need God's guidance to have these thoughts, ideas, actions, pursuits, and motives to really change my life. Rick Warren writes, "real life begins by committing yourself completely to Jesus." And I am ready for my life to begin...

Looking Back, Thinking Ahead

Done with my thesis 

Hello lovely readers,

It is Christmas time and I feel this a curious time of year, at least for me. It is a time of reflecting about the year that shortly ending and it is a time that we are preparing for the year to come. 

Looking back at this year I feel this year has been filled a lot with my thesis...and maybe thats how it should have been but lately I have felt I spent so much energy, so much time, and devotion to it that I kind of lost focus on what the most important things are in my life. On mentally preparing this post I began to look through my photos (on Facebook) to remember all that has happened over this year. Some of the highlights have been getting to spend so much time with my family; I spent some time with my family in May, August, October and just recently when my parents came up here to see me present my thesis. If you don't know I live in Boston and my family lives all over so I usually see them only twice a year (minus skype dates) so I feel that has been really neat this year. Another highlight this year has been moving in with my current roommate and friend. Last year (until end of August) it was a struggle with my apartment. I never felt like my last place was home. Moving into my new place has felt like home the moment I started unpacking my boxes.

with niece and nephew in May

So as I began to think about 2014 and everything that happened, there have some parts of it I wish I could put behind me and never think about them again, but I know those moments have shaped me. And instead of looking at them with regret I am going to try to give them over to God and let him use them as moments of development. While 2014 has been a mix of both of ups and downs (as years are) it is what 2015 brings that I am most interested in.

Lately, I have been praying a lot to hear God's voice to feel his guidance but in reality I have felt distant from God. I know He is with me and He is the hope I have anchored my life to. Hebrews 10:23- Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful- has been a verse I have had to repeat to myself a lot through the year. I think it is more true lately as I am coming to terms with the fact I am done with school.

Birthday celebrations 

For 23 some odd years, I have been a student and I have almost placed my identity in the fact I am a student. Especially in undergrad and grad school my life has been about the next homework assignment, the next chapter to read, and the next paper to write. In grad school I felt life was on hold until I finished school and sometimes I felt angry I couldn't do things because I was in school.

I have been praying for God to use me in such a way that I would make an impact in this world for Him.  I have also been praying to hear God's voice and feel His guidance.  But I have felt stuck and sometimes useless. I am not blaming Him for this... actually I am holding myself responsible. Because I know I have filled my life with clutter, I sought fulfillment from temporary things. So one thing I really hope for 2015 that He prune and cut things out of my life that are not from Him. This is going to take work on my end, because it is easy for me to turn on the TV, go on Facebook or Pinterest, listen to Spotify and block Him out. But I don't want to do that anymore.

Being a bride's maid in my friends wedding, in July.

On Monday I prayed:

Lord I pray you lead me. Lord there are so many big questions on my mind now. What do I do for a job? Where do I go from here? Lord I need your guidance with these questions. Lord, you are the only one that makes my life make sense and I pray oh Lord I pray you lead me on. 

Then on Tuesday morning I read the passage: 

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2. 

Visiting my sister's family in August...
Sadly my nephew was in the hospital.

With nephew in hospital I got to spend a lot
of time with niece... blessing in disguise 

These things may not seem immediately linked but they are in my mind. I think one thing I really need in upcoming year is to renew my mind and heart in God. In that I believe I will be able to truly know what God wants from me. However, I have no idea what that looks like. 

Over the fall my church went through a series called "Resistance" and it was about remembering why we have the Sabbath, a time of rest, a time of remembering what is important to us, and a time to remember what God has done for us, I think over the last year and especially this last fall I have kind of forgotten that.  I say my faith, my friends and family are the most important things in my life... but I felt distant from those things. I have felt very much like I have been drifting through life, not really making connections. So, another thing I would like in 2015 is to really invest or reinvest in things that are important to me. 

Here I want to say I am sorry to anyone that I was not there for over the last year...even if you understood why I am sorry I got so blocked by other things I could not see what was important. 

Fancy night with roommate. 

On the job front I will take my time to figure things out. Fortunately this year I have been blessed with two part time jobs that have really been relief when I have been stressed about money. I think it is important right now to get things worked out in my relationship with God... so I am not going to dwell on that.

I am thankful for this year I have had the support system (friends and family) that I have had. I don't know how I would have been able to get through the struggles I have gone through... and I promise I will not forget it.

I am excited to see what 2015 has in store for me and I am already starting to shape my New Year's resolutions.

1. Invest or re-invest in the relationships I have
2. Work on transforming my mind in order to understand God's purpose for my life.

Those are 2 pretty big things so I will leave it at that for now... if I fail I will (with God) pick back up and try again.

There are other things I am looking forward to as well in 2015.

1. My sister and brother-in-law are expecting their third baby... from the pics above you can see they make cuties so I am excited for this new little one. 

their birth announcement.

2. My mom and I have been dreaming about and plotting a trip to Paris and now done with school, we have been planning one for May. 

Mom and I from recent trip to Boston 

3. Also I have been thinking about going on another short-term missions trip. I remember how impacting my trip to Honduras was and my church does a trip to the Dominican Republic every year and watching the videos of the trips have made me want to go.

4. I am also looking forward to getting back into doing some of my own fun writing. Though I might be writing more with pen and paper than typing... my eyes are getting tired looking at word document. 

"Mary did you know"-Pentatonix

This has been my favorite song this year. 

Merry Christmas!

Weekend Flick

I will admit I saw some screen pics of this film on Pinterest and it looked cute so I read up about it and the story line looked good so I thought I would give it a try. Plus it is a Rob Reiner film and so far I have been pleased by all his films.

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The story is set in the 1960's about Juli and Bryce who live across the street from each other and while Juli has had a crush on Bryce since the day they met Bryce has been avoiding from the day they met. It is told from two perspectives first being Bryce's who like most children and pre-teens just tries to fit into his surroundings. The other perspective is Juli is kind of a free spirit, her father is labeled a "dreamer" (as if that is a bad thing), but Juli really just tries to see beauty in everything. The story follows them from 2nd grade when they meet to 8th grade. At the start Bryce tries to ignore Juli but after some time he ends up liking her (or at least the thought of her) and by the end of the movie they actually end up talking.

Bryce realizing his feeling for Juli
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What I liked- Most of the film is voice over so there is not much dialogue but hearing their thoughts is really interesting. Though the book and screen play were written by adults you felt as if you were in the mindset of a pre-teen who is just trying to figure things out. Also you get the scenes from the two perspective so you can understand both sides of the story. I also liked that while Juli likes Bryce she is not afraid to speak her mind or tell him off. She was quiet but she spoke her mind when it mattered. 

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What I didn't like- I thought it would be a film watching Juli and Bryce through the years, but it really focused on just 7th grade, this wasn't so much of detractor but just kept thinking that we would see them grow up. And while I thought Juli was a strong character I wish we had gotten in her head more because she had a compelling story and a great family dynamic and I felt Bryce hogged more screen time.While I understood Bryce just wanting to fit in I wish he had been nicer to Juli. Through out the film I could understand why Bryce liked Juli but I didn't get why Juli liked Bryce.It is based off a book so maybe you get more character depth in the book but I wish I felt more compelled by the characters. 

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Over all - I would say it was cute film and good for a quiet night in. I felt it was pretty accurate... by that I mean there wasn't any huge party (which to me always seems to be in teen movies but never actually happen), the characters talk awkwardly (which was true for all my conversations with boys), and I felt like they could be true people. And while they never had a true conversation it was a cute coming of age story. 

When I was 12 or 13, I would have loved a boy looking at me like that.
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Reading outside the box

Click on link for a review
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I follow a lot of "writing boards" on Pinterest with lots of writing quotes, writing prompts and helpful hints. One thing I see over and over again is to read widely, which to me seems to say read from a mix of different genres. I am guilty of frequently only reading historical fiction and right now I have been addicted to WWI novels as I am trying to gain both inspiration and insight for my own story. However the last two books I have read and the book I am currently reading have nothing to do with WWI. I had Stella Bain in my bag and my co-worker was intrigued by the cover and asked me what it was about I said "a nurse in WWI" and he joked "Always WWI." Well as you can read from my post that I was not a big fan of the book. Then I read Divergent and then I read Lunch in Paris, though these books are nothing a like they are both about choices and how they define you.

Sorry I don't know the author of this quote
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Lunch in Paris is a memoir of Elizabeth Bard who moves to Paris to be with the man she loves and while she has always idealized Paris she now has to fight against her "Americanized" ways to embrace the French culture, but sometimes she has to pick her battles. I felt she constantly had to keep choosing Paris and choosing that life style. In my last post I wrote about making choices and I am thankful that we don't have just one choice in life but sometimes in life when we make a choice we have to keep choosing that choice. I have chose to live in Boston (which is completely different then my background of living in Oklahoma and California) and even though I hate the long winters I have continued to live here. I have made a life here with my friends and my second family.  In continuing to live here I have grown appreciate and love things about this city for example when it above 40 degrees in January or February I consider it a nice day and if it is sunny I go on walks to let myself enjoy the day.

In my last post I was facing some adulthood angst about making decisions and trying to figure out my life and maybe that will happen throughout my life. However I feel as an adult sometimes you have to make decisions and you have to keep choosing them and not giving up on the choices you make even when they cause struggles because struggles give us stories.

Click on link for review of book
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Sorry I did not mean for this post to become all deep, I guess that is what happen when I let my thoughts flow. I wanted to write that those stories may not be my typical books I read, I am happy I am reading them because they have given me more insight and have raised some thought provoking questions to ponder in my own head.

I am currently reading Dear Mr. Knightley, I first picked up this book because I thought there would be a Jane Austen connection with the title being such. It is not another retelling of Jane Austen book. It is about a girl Sam Moore, who has had a troubling past of floating between foster homes never really making connections as she hide behinds her books. However, she has been given a generous grant to go to Northwestern University's journalism school with the condition she must write letters to the benefactor, Mr. Knightley. I am only 80 pages in so I don't know all the details of the story but so far I am enjoying learning how Sam is overcoming her struggles. While the title of the book intrigued me it was reading an acclaim for the book that got me to read this novel... "Katherine Reay invites readers into each moment of a young woman's discovery that real heroes are fallible, falling in love isn't always better in books, and literature is meant to enhance life--not serve as a substitute for living" (Serena Chase, USA Today's Happy Ever After Blog). I sometimes think I am like Sam hiding out in the world of my books and my own stories but for life to truly happen I have to break out of that.

Though these books have nothing to do with WWI, they are inspiring me to think outside the box and really wonder about things in my own life... and not just getting lost in an epic historical novel.

Adulthood Angst....

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In my last post I wrote about how I related to Tris because of her angst... in the book she is dealing with first love and trying to find her place in her world. In the book Tris feels she has to make one choice and follow it wholeheartedly, but because she is Divergent she has multiple paths and that is how life is. Thankfully (and sometimes not so thankfully) we all have multiple paths.

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I am grad-school and I am almost at the end. I hopefully have one more semester... though I feel I have said this a few times because I had to delay my thesis a few times. This has given me time to think of what I want to do with my life.

When I was in high school I wanted to be Abigail Chase, Diane Kruger, character in National Treasure.  She was a confident, and though she was a history nerdy girl she was was also very sexy. Also, she knew everything about everything, which was cool. For like split second I thought about doing Political Science but then I realized I loved history and escaping into the past. So I decided to pursue history in undergrad. I moved to Boston, on an almost gut reaction, because from almost the moment I visited it felt like it was home. Plus it didn't hurt that it was one of the most historical cities in the US. And basically minus the really cold winters and spells of homesickness I love Boston and I have been blessed with a second family here.

Now I am grad-school, and thinking about my future I often wonder if this path I chose going into library science and history is what I am suppose to be doing. For awhile I thought about leaving everything I know and going on missions. But the more time I thought about it, it didn't feel right. I had a passion for it but over time I lost it and sometimes I feel I have no idea what to do...

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Sometimes, it scares me because I am usually a person with a five year plan, but I feel my five year plan has changed a few times. Right now I am embracing I don't have a plan, because right now I can hide behind the idea of just working on my thesis. I can put off real life and trying to be an adult. I guess this why I relate to Tris... she is still trying to make decisions of her life and figure things out.  Fortunately for me I am not also trying to fight a corrupt government (thank goodness).

Even though I am trying to figure things out I am glad I have some solid things to hang on to. I have my family, my second family, my friends, my faith... all these things have held me up and held me together and I a thankful for those. Also I am glad to figure out that like Tris we don't have one path and one choice. 

A previous post Figuring some things out...

C is getting married

Today my lovely cousin gets married. I know she will be too busy today to look at this post, but I am so happy for her. She and I grew up together and so many of my childhood memories contain her. I am so sorry I can not be there for her on this very special day.

Song: When the Right One Comes Along

Artist: Clare Bowen & Sam Palladio

From the show Nashville 

Posted by: StarlightNight13  

 When I thought of this post I thought I wanted to show off pictures of us growing up. Usually these type of post have a song to go along with them. However, there are no real cousin songs... so C I am sharing with you one of 

my songs from my dream wedding playlist, as I know you have found the right one and God will bless your marriage.  

 

 

 Yeah we look pretty classy all dressed up.

 '90s fashion was hard on us all

but we survived the '90s to become great stylists 

Her first and hopefully not her last trip to Boston

Random Christmas gatherings

 At older sister's wedding

Our awesome dance moves

At younger sister's wedding

   When I saw her a couple of weeks ago

Love you C.  

Waiting for one day

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Dear Anne,

In my last letter I wrote about my obsessions and how I am obsessed with my niece and nephew. Over Christmas my step-mom told me that as much as I love H and E I will love my own kids a thousand times. I don't know how that is possible since I would give my life for them but I am sure I will love my kids more so. I am just so far away from having that in my life and sometimes it hurts. Lately me having a baby has been a trend. A couple of weeks ago I had a bad day at work and to get some peace I watched a video of H dancing around. I told my co-worker this and she said I just need to have a baby. Then I was talking to another co-worker and he said I would make such a good mom. As great as a compliment this is... it also hurts. I know I want to have a baby so bad but there are a few things I need first. The most important thing would be a husband and I am not even in a relationship. So I feel like having a baby is still leaps and bounds away from me. 

I know this might be kind of silly but sometimes when I see pregnant women I feel a little empty because I feel my body is not doing what it is suppose to. I know God's timing is perfect but this is the one area I doubt God. I feel God has put this desire in me to be a wife and mother but for some reason it is not happening to me. So I wonder if God really wants me to be a wife and mother and if He doesn't want me to fill this role what am I to do with my life? I know it is wrong for me to doubt God so I have to remind myself that God's will is perfect and I hope I am not clinging to my desires too much I am not letting Him have His way. 

I know I am in grad-school and it is silly for me to think about having family but I would seriously give it all up if it meant I could be a wife and mother. 

Just having a low a moment. Thanks for listening. 

Yours,
Blaire

Dear Anne,

Maybe someday
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I wrote that top part when I was having a low moment but I didn't send it because it sounded like a "woe-is-me" letter so I am sorry for not writing sooner. After I had written the top part I have had some good quiet times. I am going to share parts of my prayers as I know you will be worried about my heart and I want to be completely honest with you. 


(from 2/7-2/9)
Dear Lord,
Oh Lord I am sorry for holding to this doubt I wrestle with. Lord I am your ways are better than my ways, I know your timing is perfect and complete. Lord I know all that but yet I question you. Lord I question if you really will provide me for me a husband and children. I know I look to that so much to much I let it define me too much. Lord I see that as my absolute fulfillment and you oh Lord are the only one who can truly fulfill me. Lord that I thank you for. 

Lord I know your will is perfect. I pray for patience. Lord I know as much as I want a relationship I am not ready for one. Lord I know I would put that first because I put that desire first. Lord I prepare my heart. Mold me to be what you desire. Lord I know your will is perfect and I know I hold on to the details too much. Lord help me let go of the details so I can cling to you...Lord I think what I need is a change of mindset. I feel if I submit to you, I think I won't get my family I have been longing for. And I see that as the ultimate fulfillment. The ultimate way to say "I am good enough". Lord you are the ultimate fulfillment help me to rely on you. Lord my God you have blessed me and I know letting go of this you will continue to bless me.

Lord my God help me submit to your ways. Help me be part of the change you desire. Lord my God I know your ways are perfect and I know your truths are abounding. I pray I keep steadfast in you. Lord mold me for how you long me to be. Oh Lord my God walk with me on this path.

I do not write this because I am strong I write this because I am weak and wrestling.


Yours faithfully,
Blaire

Always the hopeful romantic
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So my story begins...

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My life begins with a letter. Maybe I should say my life changed with a letter since I received the letter when I was twenty-three. My new life began with a letter.

My dearest hope,

If you doubt the words I spoke to you the other night, don't. I have made you the promise of my love and my devotion forever.

I have ordered us a simple state room on the Northern Star Liner, it leaves from Liverpool on Monday and we will sail to New York as man and wife. No one can stop us not even the King, I promise. If you love me meet me at the Euston Station for the 6:15 AM train to Liverpool. I will be waiting to take you into my arms and away from all things long ago. 

Believe me when I say, all my love,

K

So begins my story...

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Somewhere I was told an author does not to share your work. It might have been when Norman Mailer was on Gilmore Girls and was talking to a reporter (picture above). He said he never talked about his work. I don't understand this. I mean I know I am not a real author and by that I mean I am not published (minus this blog). I don't know how not to share my writing... I love it so much and when you love something you want to share it. I mean If you follow me on pinterest you will see my love of Downton Abbey, Jane Austen, and other things. So why can't I share my writing? Besides this blog might be the only way I am ever published. I used to blog my story, the Sisters of Pine Haven, and it kept me motivated to finish. Then my friend told me a publisher would not touch my story if I kept it open for the public (that makes sense so I limited who could see the blog). Though I still long to share my writing. If I should never get published at least I would know the blogging world would see my story and know my passion. So I don't know what is better...

My new story starts in 1906, goes through WWI and then ends in the 1920's. The scene I shared is Kelby Gray (my hero) promising to take Esther Harrington (my heroine) away from their past. Then the story flashes back to summer of 1906 when the kids still have very idealistic views of the world but that all the ideals come crashing down during WWI. Marcus Harrington (oldest brother) is eager to fight but his father doesn't want him to go so he has to run away to join the military. Marcus' best friend Shane Gray comes with him and together they join up. After Shane is shot Marcus becomes a shell of his former self and is sent back home. Not long after the news of Shane's death Daphne (Esther's sister) marries Parker Welford (Lord Welford's son). This shocks Esther because she always knew Daphne loved Shane. This marriage pleases her mother as she knows it is good security. Some where in this Esther and Kelby fall in love which is not at all good because Kelby is the son of Lord Welford's cook and mother finds out. So now her mother sends her to London to stay with Daphne and Parker. In this time her mother promises Esther's hand to Lord Welford (Parker's father). Kelby and Esther know the only way they can be together is if they run away.

This is a story I have been playing through my head for a year or so and I really hope to finish this story. I have this brief outline but I am excited to see where the characters take me.

Found these images on Pinterest and thought they would be good settings for my story... 

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Southerton Greens... The Harrington's home

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Cranton Court... Lord Welford's home

Even if you guys don't know it this blog was a big support for me to finish my last story, which was a huge accomplishment for me. (It just needs to be edited and published... but I am working on it). So I wanted to share the starting point of this story. 

Thanks for your support. 

Delight yourself in the Lord

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Hello Lovely Readers,

It is another cloudy day in Boston and on cloudy days there is nothing I love more than sitting on my bed, sipping on coffee and getting some writing done. I find cloudy/rainy days to be so inspiring. Fortunately today my morning class was cancelled so I could sleep in a bit and then wake up slowly, do my quiet time, and now sit here and write this post. 

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

-Psalm 37:4

I know that verse is used a lot. At first reading it should seem like that God should give you whatever you desire/want. So many times we do not get what we want. Does that mean this verse is a lie? No. I think this verse tells us there is a process (a process I am still learning).

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart- Jeremiah 29:13. The most important part in these verses is the Lord. When we seek God with all our hearts, we will find God. When we delight ourselves in the Lord that is when we get the desires of our hearts. Often times I pray "I want this and I want that" and when I don't get I give up and usually pout and complain. That is not where prayer should stop. 

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I have written about this in other posts that this summer that I heard the phrase "God always has the best for me in mind" and this has really changed my thinking. I know God has the best for me, but what is my best? It is His best. This means I won't always get my way and I won't always get what I want but at the end of the day His best will come through (if I follow Him) and it will be better than I ever could imagine. My best is not wealth, success, or a comfortable life; it is His will being done through me. 

Right now, I still have about a year and half till I finish school and then I don't know what is going to happen after I graduate. So I am not going to wait until the last minute to pray to God for His decision I am beginning to pray right now. I have told God countless times what I want, so I don't need to lay that out any more because he knows. What I am asking Him now that if my desires don't match His desires that He changes my heart. Then I ask if my desires do match His desires that He gives me patience to wait in Him. Then I realized it is not just about being patient, I want God to use this time to prepare my heart and mind for what is next. I know God is using this time that I am single and in school to prepare me for what is next in my life... whatever that may be.

Delight yourself in the Lord  I think really means putting what He wants for/from me as my first goal. I am still learning what that means. The more I put His desires first the more my heart will change; then my desires will completely line up with His desires; and that is when I will get the desires of my heart. This is a process and will always be a process because we are more inclined to seek after what we want instead of submitting to God for what he wants.

I know this post might seem like a lot of rambling, and it is a bit, mostly because I am still figuring out what all this means. But there are two things I want to express in this post that I am learning: first God has provided everything I need for this moment, if He hasn't given it to me then I don't need it; second it is not about what I want it is about what He want for/from me.

I read this today in my quiet time, I had highlighted it years ago but I loved how true it was for all what I am praying about...

 I’ll make them of one mind and heart, always honoring me, so that they can live good and whole lives, they and their children after them. What’s more, I’ll make a covenant with them that will last forever, a covenant to stick with them no matter what, and work for their good. I’ll fill their hearts with a deep respect for me so they’ll not even think of turning away from me.“‘Oh how I’ll rejoice in them! Oh how I’ll delight in doing good things for them! Heart and soul, I’ll plant them in this country and keep them here!’- Jeremiah 32: 39-41 (The Message)