I am ready for my life to begin

I talk a lot about my faith on this blog, but lately (the last few months) I keep coming back to two questions in my life: 1)What does living in faith mean? 2) What is the purpose of my life? I don't have answers to either of these questions. But I have making some process on these questions and that is what I want to share with you today.

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I live my life by pretty much by routine...if you know personally you will not be surprised by this. I like my schedule and knowing whats coming (I do not handle spontaneity well). I get up turn on my coffee pot, have my quiet time while enjoying my first cup of coffee, get ready for work (I put on my moisturizer, then start my makeup, eat breakfast (while moisturizer settles in), take my vitamins, brush teeth, then get dressed (I am paranoid that I will drop toothpaste on my clothes) put on finishing touches, such as perfume, and blush), then I head out for work. Read my book on the T, take the Green Line inbound then switch to the Red line (never really looking up from my book). Usually grab another cup of coffee before sitting down at my desk, talk to my boss about what he would like me to do for the day, then plug my head phones in and listen to NPR. Okay this could go on for a bit, but I think you get my point.., I am a creature of habit and I rather like it (most of the time). Sometimes I wonder if there is something more?

I think this where my original questions come from. Last year I was going through my Bible focusing on verses that I the word "faith" in them (there are a lot).

A couple of years ago with the word "hope" and discovered that hope in God is like a day in Winter knowing that Spring will come and holding on to that. Hope in God is holding onto something we know is coming and keep going forward with that knowledge. (Read more)

There is the classic verse "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." -Hebrews 11:1(NIV) and I am not disliking that verse but I am still left wondering what that means for me? How can I live out my faith? What does "living out my faith" even mean? Is it random acts through out my day? Is it a life style change? And if the answer is yes to that then what does that look like like?

I don't think of myself as a visual person but I would like a model for what it means to live out my faith in the 21st century. Does it mean I have to become a missionary? Does it mean I only listen to "Christian" music, and stop watching TV?  I am not sure. This is the part I grapple with. And I feel in my struggle to answer these questions I get stuck.

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I am afraid to make a move because what if I make the wrong move. I also afraid if I move without knowing what to do, where will I go next? Not necessarily physically but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. So I let these fears stop me.

On Wednesday night I went to Community Group (Bible study) and we went through the passage Mark 5 about how Jesus heals a man from demon possession. It is one of those stories in Bible, that are great at showing how mighty God and Jesus are, but hard to understand how they apply to our day to day. However, there was one really great question that stuck out... Do we (I) live as if God is in control?

If I am to answer this question honestly, most of the time, No. I mean day by day I know he is in control because he has the power to take my life away, take away everything I think I own, or every person I love. But He doesn't. But most of the time I feel I take advantage of His love, His grace, and all the blessings He has given me. So I in that way I don't feel I live like God is in control because I let myself take over. However, on the flip side of this I know what it is like to not have God in my life. I have had some low moments in my life where I feel I am drowning in an ocean and no one is coming to save me. I have tried to tread what for so long (just to keep my head above the water) but I am tired of that so I stop treading water and sink. Those feeling are very real to me and I know at those moment I need God more than anything.

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I have liked "Oceans (where feet may fail)" because of these feelings. 

I still don't have an answer to my original question... but life is not about having an answer. What I do know is that for me faith is living like God is in control. I am still not sure what that looks like but it is a good first step, I think another step I need to take is just to move. I can't keep letting myself be held back, I can't keep making excuses, and I can't keep praying for change without moving. Now where do I go from here? I am not sure but I know God is in control and that is pretty awesome. Because He is the only one who can provide truth, hope, rest, joy, wisdom, strength, and salvation.

About my second question, from the beginning of this blog, I think I will learn as I discover more and more about how to live out my faith. In reading verses on faith I found a great verse "the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love"- Galatians 5:6b (NIV). I think I want this to be more and more true of my life... that I am doing things out love. 

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Last night on Parenthood Adam was having a conversation on finding a passion and following that. I know I have passions and I think using those passions to work for God's kingdom is my purpose. I am reading the book A Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren and in chapter 7 he states "the ultimate goal of the universe is to show the glory of God." Then he writes "Each of us was uniquely designed by God with talents, gifts, skills, and abilities. The way you are "wired" is not an accident." I think what I need to do is think about my passions and my gifts and begin thinking how I can use those to do work for God. One thing I will have to be careful about is making sure these are not just activities added to my day and that become motions. I recognize I need God's guidance to have these thoughts, ideas, actions, pursuits, and motives to really change my life. Rick Warren writes, "real life begins by committing yourself completely to Jesus." And I am ready for my life to begin...

Happy Easter!

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Happy Easter everyone!

When I was a kid I loved Easter, we got pretty new dresses, we got free candy, and it meant a nice family meal. However as I am now in grad-school unfortunately Easter gets lost in the craziness of end of the semester and I don't get time to really reflect on what Easter means and sometimes I even forget it is Easter till I see kids in nice suites and pretty dresses.

My dad and I one Easter

My church is going through a series about who Jesus says he is... the "I AM". Last week my pastor talked about how Jesus calls himself the "good Shepard" and referred to the passage Psalm 23 "The Lord is my Shepard, I will not be in want.." I know this chapter is highly used and might be over uses that you can kind of just scan through it without taking in the meaning. However, my pastor brought an interesting fact about sheep though they are ignorant animals they know their Shepard's call from a great distance and respond to the call. He mentioned that sometimes that a God's calling can be as soft as a whisper and how can we hear him when so much of our lives is crowded with noise. When he said that it made me remember this poem I wrote two years ago in my post Things I am Afraid to tell you.

.... just a bit of my poem... 

There I sit

but there I hear a whisper 

it is very soft

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"

I tell the whisper.

But it repeats

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

I open my eyes

see nothing there

so I doubt its existence.

"My child","my love"

"I am here for you

in darkness to be your light,

to be your hope

when you feel hopeless,

and to be your strength 

when you can't pick yourself up.

Remain in me 

and I will remain in you."

I admit I surround myself with noise to an addicting level and then in my quiet times I wonder why I can't hear God, and why I can't feel God's presence in my life. I know He is here, but I wish I was in better place spiritually that I could feel His presence, His comfort, and His guidance. Right now I am holding on to the reassurance of knowing that God is with me even though I cannot feel him. Just writing that sentence just reminded me of the verse "being confident in this that he who began good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus"- Philippians 1:6. I am confident that God is with me and will always be with me.

Just cute little sheep
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My week in pictures and song

Here are some highlights from this week hope you enjoy...

I have posted a motivational song as I prepare for the end of this semester... here is another one.

I have only seen Hercules a few times, but this song has made my list of motivational song to keep me going. 

Song: Go the Distance

From Hercules 

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Spring has FINALLY come to Boston, as winter felt painfully long, I have never had a green thumb, but I do love flowers starting to bloom. Since moving to Boston I have discovered that daffodils are one of the first flowers to bloom and I have grown to love them as a sign of hope.

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As it spring now I get to switch over to my spring and summer scent (and my favorite scent) of Marc Jacobs Daisy. Last year my Grandpa sent me money for my birthday stating that I had to spend it on something frivolous so I bought this perfume that I love. 

We are experiencing April showers here in Boston and in hopeful romantic, period drama watching way I have always loved the rain. Rain always brings out a freshness in the time. Today as I was walking around getting some errands done I felt like it was a perfect story book rain storm. 

Marianne from Sense and Sensibility (2008)
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Also I have had some hard times with my thesis and I have felt trapped not knowing what to do next, well today I had a meeting with my reader and she gave me some good advice and now I truly feel motivated to get re-started. I feel like a lot of my spring semester has been re-starting.

I believe Mark Twain is author of this quote
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As motivation of my writing, I have changed my computer background... 

Also as a fan-girl it has been a good week... First I am so happy that Parks and Rec has provided us with some cute Ben and Leslie moments. I have felt this season has been lacking some cute and much needed Ben and Leslie moments (and to be honest that is why I started watching the show). In season 5 they introduced the "Ben and Leslie Family Album" but since then nothing about that until this week. 

"Family Album"
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Also, I have been watching the Emma Approved series and have greatly enjoyed it, so it makes me even happier to know that the actors in real life are dating. They have great chemistry on screen on so this is wonderful for this fangirl. 

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Here is a short little preview of some of their on air chemistry...

Video: Emma & Alex Knightley | Into the blue

By: Thatfangirl 

I am also re-reading one of my favorite novels, I Capture the Castle, re-reading some novels to me is like snuggling under a warm blanket even if I am on the T. I know what is going to happen but I still enjoy remembering the details. 

I know this post has been rather frivolous, but I hope you have enjoyed it. 

Screen shot of Cassandra and Stephen walking through the blue bells.
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*I wrote this post on Tuesday and now having bragged about how glorious the weather has been here it has decided to return to a normal spring weather of close to 50s. 

Happy Opening Day!

Hello Boston Red Sox Fans!

Happy Opening Day!

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I am not a big sports fan but I do enjoy a good baseball game. I am not a Red Sox nation kind of person, I have changed loyalties from where I live from the Mariners to the Giants... but I will never root for the Yankees! (I promise).

Red Sox Fans will understand

Me at my first Red Sox Game

One of these things just doesn't belong... can you spot it?

My first Red Sox game and it was Lester's no hitter 5/19/2008

Us celebrating the win. 

Hello March

Hello lovely readers, 

Lots of people yesterday were writing about how they celebrated this extra day. Sad to say I did not celebrate this day in any special way. I had to work. But mother nature celebrated this extra day by giving us our second snow "storm" of the season. When I wrote my post Snowy Days in Boston I thought we were just beginning the long winters that we have up here but we have had a very mild winter so I can't complain about this second snow storm.

February was good month for me, I started my internship at the American Academy of Arts and Science it is near Harvard, which is about an hour commute for me, I am working on a post about my commuting tips. I am really excited about the internship because it is a fairly new archive even though the Academy was founded in 1780 so there is 200 years plus unprocessed material so I really feel like I am helping them from the ground up. In my Introduction to Archiving class I am seeing that archivist like to see themselves as investigators of the past, that might sound dorky but I think it sounds fun.

As good as February was I am really looking forward to March. Even though the cold weather will last a bit longer the fact that spring begins in March puts a little skip in my step. Soon flowers will be blooming, the weather will be warmer and the sun will stay out longer. 

This is how I imagine spring
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This is usually the reality
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But more than the sun, the thing I am looking forward to the most is going to Denver over my Spring Break. My older sister, her husband and the cutest toddler live there. Yes I am bias towards my niece. I have not seen my niece minus some skype time since June and she is growing like a weed. The other day I got a picture of her having a tea party, I can't wait to have a tea party with her and maybe some dress up. I am also looking forward to seeing my sister who is a few months pregnant and she is a cute preggo.

This is my niece and I last Christmas
I need an updated photo of us two.

I hope you all have a lovely March.

Spring is almost here

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Like most Bostonians we get excited when when we hear the word "spring", rather it be spring training for our lovely Red Sox team, or Spring Break for our college students. It means soon the harsh realities of winter will be over and while this winter hasn't been that harsh it will be nice when the days of grey and black are over, when the sun will be out past 5, and a scarf will be an accessory not mandatory. For me the word Spring Fashion puts a little bounce in my step. While I love the September Vogue, the textbook of fashion, I love spring fashion even more. So I am pleased to announce that yesterday when I got my mail the March Elle magazine was sitting box. Th magazine announced it was full of almost 500 pages of spring fashion. It was a nice little gift.

I feel like this is my year's fashion it is full of pencil skirts, nipped waist jackets, pastels and cute little heels.

I took these pics of my magazine

The author, Daphne Merkin, wrote that "for spring, demure '50s-influenced dresses...dominated the runways.'What's old is new again' is, of course, a theme of every fashion season, but the revival of the sublimely feminine silhouette is as much a reflection of a cultural moment as the by-product of that depends of reinvention." In the article Merkin seemed to be concerned that if we went back toward 1950s style that we would convert to that mindset when she writes "Does dressing like Doris Day in A-line or pleated skirt mean to go around batting our eye lashes and acting all helpless?"  But I liked the quote from designer Jason Wu, "I feel that right now is an uncertain time and there's something about a polished, dressed up look that's a nice contrast. When times are challenging, the one thing you can control is the way you look."

While reading this article it was hard not to think about my own fashion. I may not embrace the total 1950s look. I would like to have a little more chic and polished look to my style. I think I want to blend together Rory Gilmore, the college years, some Zooey Deschnel from her look of 500 day of Summer and maybe something more modern. 

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But I am excited for pastels to be coming back into wardrobes. While I love wearing colors I think some times I stick out like a sore thumb around other girls who wear black and grey.

Color changes Everything-Target's newest ad

Good way to explain how I feel.

I think a mass Target run is in my future or maybe I will become a TJ Maxx kind of girl as I try to blend a want of fashion into a Grad's schools student budget.