While I don't watch ABC's Nashville as much as I used too I have a Nashville playlist on my Pandora (mostly because I like country music). Listening to Pandora (on my shuffle) I have heard this song come up a couple times and fell in love with it and was honestly surprised it came from Nashville (I can't really explain why). But I thought for this "Frivolous Friday" post I would share some music with you all...
That same road that brought you here
Will sure as hell take you home
The life you left behind will have you back
You're tired of paying dues in worn out shoes
and Broadway blues
And any fool will tell you
the damn ol' deck is stacked
What if you're just a vessel
And God gave you something special
It ain't yours to throw away
It ain't yours to throw away
Every time you open up your mouth
Diamonds come rolling out
It ain't yours to throw away
Oh ...
And all of the players, the movers, and shakers
The star maker suits have gone home
You drew the last slot
You thought it was your shot
But now it's just one more chance blown
What if you're just a vessel
And God gave you something special
It ain't yours to throw away
It ain't yours to throw away
Every time you open up your mouth
Diamonds come rolling out
It ain't yours to throw away
No ...
I would also like to give a shout out to my friends who are celebrating their anniversary this weekend...
I want to blog more, I do I really do but right now I feel I am stuck and I feel I have written the same post over and over.
Today in my quiet time I read Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.. I know I have talked about this book before and yet again I am amazed that in reading it that chapters hit me and speak to me in certain ways. I believe there is almost like a power behind reading a book, article or blog post at just the right time. This chapter was about "love" not romantic love but about loving God and others. The greatest commandment is "Love the Lord God with all your heart and all your mind" the second follows "Love your neighbor as yourself." These two ideas sum up the entire ten commandments.
The chapter focuses on we show our love by our time. When I type it out it sounds simple but is it? I am the first one to admit when I am overwhelmed by life I back away from my relationships and just want to focus on my work. Last semester when I was finishing my thesis I felt I had no life besides my thesis and my relationships with my friends and family took a back seat. I thought this was necessary to get through things. But when I finished my thesis I realized how miserably isolated I had become. I also realized I had true friends and family who supported me through all of it and were so ready to rejoice when I was done.
Some of my support team
When I first started writing this post I thought about saying I was going on hiatus from blogging while I figure things out. Hence, the "under construction" sign because I feel like my life is under construction... being newly graduated and thinking about what to do with my life.
Going back to love: I keep saying I want to make a difference in this world. If you have read my blog long enough you are probably getting annoyed with this phrase. Anyway, as much as I say it... I don't do anything. Which, when typing that out seems ridiculous. If I want to do something I should just start. I guess my question is where?
I have a few friends going through job searches and when they say "I don't know what to do with my life," I ask them "what are you passionate about?" I think I need to turn the question on myself and figure out what I am passionate about and turn that into action.
If my time is my love then I am showing a great amount of love towards Pinterest, TV, and other mindless things. And why? These things are not eternal. They are hardly life giving. So what is eternal? What is life giving?
The basic and really hard answer is LOVE.
So I leave this post with more questions than answers but I think I know my next step... find my passion.
I am sorry I have not posted much lately. I feel my life is hectically busy as I try to juggle what it means to be done with school. I think in December I had all these grand allusions I was going to have all this free time and be able to enjoy some laziness. Well I guess in someways that's true. I work and then come home and crash (usually in front of TV), which feels better than doing a quick power nap and then working on school stuff through the night. And when I enjoy being lazy on a Sunday afternoon I don't feel guilty about it anymore... So that all feels good. But I am learning I have to start prioritizing my time and life better in order to get done the things I want done.
In December and January I wrote about post with some new years resolutions and it is almost March, this is usually the time people have given up on their resolutions, so I thought I would just do a little check-in and report of how I am doing.
1. Invest or re-invest in the relationships I have- This is still a work in progress. I am trying to make deeper connection and started going to a new Bible Study group, which is good. But still feel myself holding back and not letting people in. I was talking about my blog with someone and they said their is "no risk" in a blog because you can type whatever you like and you are not sure who is going to read it... so you can risk putting yourself out there but you are still safe sitting behind the computer. (I am not sure if those were his exact words, but that's the idea). And that's very true about my life and why I love this blog so much I can express myself but never truly be vulnerable. But I have come to realize some of my relationships are very fluffy and not deep connections and I want to re-invest in those.
2. Work on transforming my mind in order to understand what God wants for me- Major work in progress. I have felt a little lost lately and almost like I am floating around waiting to attach to anything. But nothing has really felt like my true path. I spent many prayer times praying for God to be my guidance.
I don't feel like nothing's left but I wish I felt God's presence more in my life, and I want to feel he is truly molding me into the woman he wants me to be. My ever wise friend once told me "God desires our best." But I am not even sure what that looks like? I wonder if I will ever know or if it is a constant process of figuring things out. I think that is a process, and I am okay with that but sometimes a glimmer of "the best" would be nice.
I think that why Hebrews 10:23 has become one of my favorite... "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess because he who promised is faithful." I keep reminding myself whatever happens God is faithful.
3. Get some more writing done- This is probably one of my successes (thus far). I am writing more, I carry a note book with me everywhere and have started getting some writing done on the T on my way to and from work (if I can get a seat). It has helped we have had a few snow days here in order to get some writing done. I am also trying to sit aside time to get some writing in. I have also felt like a bolt of lighting has struck me with inspiration and I have been doing lots of plotting done... which feels good. Also I have set aside a blog space to share my story. I have a plan to post every 2 weeks on Monday.
4. One thing that was not mentioned in these blog post but I am trying to do is a "26 books in 2015" challenge, I am on my 4th book. So far all my books have been rather long... I think I will have to choose shorter books in order to complete this. Even though I am happy if I don't complete this because I am enjoying the bookish challenge. Follow my progress on my page "Book Challenge".
Sorry I am writing that a bit late... but better late than never right?
Yes!
That is Benedict Cumberbatch in the background.
I have been on visiting family for Christmas and I have not looked at my computer. I went to Oklahoma to see my Dad's family and for a few days there were 5 children under 5... needles to say it very chaotic and loud at points but also wonderful. Then I went to visit my mom's house (in Southern California) and enjoyed some relaxation and sun. I also got to attend the Palm Springs International Film Gala (and thanks to my step-dad's connections got to stand with the press and see some stars up close)...probably the highlight of 2015. Besides Benedict Cumberbatch, I got to see Allen Leech (Tom Branson from Downton), Eddie Redmayne (Les Mis, Theory of Everything), Reese Witherspoon, Steve Carell, Patrick Stewart, Julianne Moore and many others. It was a great night...one I hope to never forget.
Left to right: Patrick Stewart, Eddie Redmayne, Allen Leech, Reese Witherspoon
Steve Carell.
But now I am back in cold Boston. I am done with grad school (odd to say and realize) and will have to soon face the reality of looking for a real "adult" job... However, there are some things I would like to accomplish in 2015. In my "looking back thinking ahead" post I wrote I want to:
"1) Invest or re-invest in the friendships I have"... Last semester I was felt very isolated, I mean minus my roommate and cat I really didn't feel to be connected to anyone. I haven't gone to community group (or Bible study) in months and I think that drained me a bit. I tried to keep up with friends but it was an effort and I didn't like the feeling of "scheduling" fun time. But I had too.
Pics from night of celebrating... in December
So happy to celebrate end of thesis
"2)Work on transforming my mind in order to understand God's purpose in my life"... I am not sure how I am going to this. I think going back to Bible study will help, even just to pull me out of thinking only about myself. Also making quiet time a priority... I usually do it first thing in the morning while enjoying a cup of coffee but sometimes I feel it makes little impact on the rest of my day.
At church on Sunday we are going through a series called Fray about about how our lives have been torn because of our separation from God. It also has a little bit of typical New Years Resolution. For example last week they talked about "diets and health" but how we make we can make the strive for dieting and health our idol (I missed that week but I got the gist). This week had been about relationships and how we have gotten distracted from what we really matter. I know I fall pray to this A LOT. Beyond relationships I say I want to write more but after work I come home and I watch mindless television. I keep saying I want to change but I feel stuck a lot of the time... I don't think it has to do with just being done with grad-school.
I have noticed in my life that sometimes when things come along that are challenging instead of taking on the challenge I just give up. I know my mom will read this and remind me that I have written a thesis, moved across country, and other things. And I know those details too but sometimes I feel I give up to easily. I mean I can't ride a bike because it was too hard to ride without training wheels and not that is a huge regret but I feel sometime scared by other moments and other situations I have walked away from because they are just too hard and I sit back and think if I had just tried a little harder would things have been differently? I know lots of people sit back and reflect on their lives and see if there was a point in which things could have changed, especially at this time of the year when we have the whole year in front of us to make changes, to set goals, to feel we can accomplish things we didn't do last year.
One thing my pastor said is a lot of times we tell ourselves "when I do this then I can do this" the example he gave is "when I graduate then I will be able to do ___(fill in blank)___." I have probably said this more than a few times even if not out loud. I have written here that have felt stuck in grad-school waiting for my life to begin. Well now it can begin. Not only is this a new year it is a new time in my life. I don't have to keep putting my life on hold because of school and it feels awesome. I want to do things with my life... I want to begin on making a difference in the world around me. I am not for sure what that looks like, I have though about doing some volunteer work or something. I just know I don't want to be writing a post on Jan. 13, 2016 looking back with regrets wishing I had done something, or wishing I hadn't said that thing I said. I want my 2015 to mean something.
So there you go that is my resolution for 2015, for it to mean something. I will keep you posted on the journey.
It is Christmas time and I feel this a curious time of year, at least for me. It is a time of reflecting about the year that shortly ending and it is a time that we are preparing for the year to come.
Looking back at this year I feel this year has been filled a lot with my thesis...and maybe thats how it should have been but lately I have felt I spent so much energy, so much time, and devotion to it that I kind of lost focus on what the most important things are in my life. On mentally preparing this post I began to look through my photos (on Facebook) to remember all that has happened over this year. Some of the highlights have been getting to spend so much time with my family; I spent some time with my family in May, August, October and just recently when my parents came up here to see me present my thesis. If you don't know I live in Boston and my family lives all over so I usually see them only twice a year (minus skype dates) so I feel that has been really neat this year. Another highlight this year has been moving in with my current roommate and friend. Last year (until end of August) it was a struggle with my apartment. I never felt like my last place was home. Moving into my new place has felt like home the moment I started unpacking my boxes.
with niece and nephew in May
So as I began to think about 2014 and everything that happened, there have some parts of it I wish I could put behind me and never think about them again, but I know those moments have shaped me. And instead of looking at them with regret I am going to try to give them over to God and let him use them as moments of development. While 2014 has been a mix of both of ups and downs (as years are) it is what 2015 brings that I am most interested in.
Lately, I have been praying a lot to hear God's voice to feel his guidance but in reality I have felt distant from God. I know He is with me and He is the hope I have anchored my life to. Hebrews 10:23- Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful- has been a verse I have had to repeat to myself a lot through the year. I think it is more true lately as I am coming to terms with the fact I am done with school.
Birthday celebrations
For 23 some odd years, I have been a student and I have almost placed my identity in the fact I am a student. Especially in undergrad and grad school my life has been about the next homework assignment, the next chapter to read, and the next paper to write. In grad school I felt life was on hold until I finished school and sometimes I felt angry I couldn't do things because I was in school.
I have been praying for God to use me in such a way that I would make an impact in this world for Him. I have also been praying to hear God's voice and feel His guidance. But I have felt stuck and sometimes useless. I am not blaming Him for this... actually I am holding myself responsible. Because I know I have filled my life with clutter, I sought fulfillment from temporary things. So one thing I really hope for 2015 that He prune and cut things out of my life that are not from Him. This is going to take work on my end, because it is easy for me to turn on the TV, go on Facebook or Pinterest, listen to Spotify and block Him out. But I don't want to do that anymore.
Being a bride's maid in my friends wedding, in July.
On Monday I prayed:
Lord I pray you lead me. Lord there are so many big questions on my mind now. What do I do for a job? Where do I go from here? Lord I need your guidance with these questions. Lord, you are the only one that makes my life make sense and I pray oh Lord I pray you lead me on.
Then on Tuesday morning I read the passage:
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2.
Visiting my sister's family in August...
Sadly my nephew was in the hospital.
With nephew in hospital I got to spend a lot
of time with niece... blessing in disguise
These things may not seem immediately linked but they are in my mind. I think one thing I really need in upcoming year is to renew my mind and heart in God. In that I believe I will be able to truly know what God wants from me. However, I have no idea what that looks like.
Over the fall my church went through a series called "Resistance" and it was about remembering why we have the Sabbath, a time of rest, a time of remembering what is important to us, and a time to remember what God has done for us, I think over the last year and especially this last fall I have kind of forgotten that. I say my faith, my friends and family are the most important things in my life... but I felt distant from those things. I have felt very much like I have been drifting through life, not really making connections. So, another thing I would like in 2015 is to really invest or reinvest in things that are important to me.
Here I want to say I am sorry to anyone that I was not there for over the last year...even if you understood why I am sorry I got so blocked by other things I could not see what was important.
Fancy night with roommate.
On the job front I will take my time to figure things out. Fortunately this year I have been blessed with two part time jobs that have really been relief when I have been stressed about money. I think it is important right now to get things worked out in my relationship with God... so I am not going to dwell on that.
I am thankful for this year I have had the support system (friends and family) that I have had. I don't know how I would have been able to get through the struggles I have gone through... and I promise I will not forget it.
I am excited to see what 2015 has in store for me and I am already starting to shape my New Year's resolutions.
1. Invest or re-invest in the relationships I have
2. Work on transforming my mind in order to understand God's purpose for my life.
Those are 2 pretty big things so I will leave it at that for now... if I fail I will (with God) pick back up and try again.
There are other things I am looking forward to as well in 2015.
1. My sister and brother-in-law are expecting their third baby... from the pics above you can see they make cuties so I am excited for this new little one.
their birth announcement.
2. My mom and I have been dreaming about and plotting a trip to Paris and now done with school, we have been planning one for May.
Mom and I from recent trip to Boston
3. Also I have been thinking about going on another short-term missions trip. I remember how impacting my trip to Honduras was and my church does a trip to the Dominican Republic every year and watching the videos of the trips have made me want to go.
4. I am also looking forward to getting back into doing some of my own fun writing. Though I might be writing more with pen and paper than typing... my eyes are getting tired looking at word document.
I can't exactly explain it but for some reason the summer I met one of my best friends this was our jam. I remember a few times we would just walk up to each other with a completely straight face and say "What is love? Baby don't hurt me." That was a great summer and I have been blessed to know my dear friend these seven years. So in honor of her wedding day here is our song and pictures.
Probably our 1st picture together. Camping in Acadia National Park
And you know what they say about camping... It-Tents
Probably my favorite pic of us
and we were probably dancing to this song.
Up in Hampton Beach
Trying to figure out what to buy for the group dinner...
Probably not the best idea to send the 2 girls who didn't cook to pick out food.
Before my first Red Sox game
After my first Red Sox game... excited to see Lester's no hitter but very cold
Seeing Legally Blonde
Celebrating birthdays... she was a good sport to karaoke with me.
The first time I met her future husband when he was just an interest.
When she asked me to be a bride's maid... it was very special.
This is not a typical 4th of July post. But I have been thinking a lot about my passions and how I can use them to make an impact in this world. I feel there is a quote from President Kennedy or Martin Luther King Jr. about how changing the world comes when desire and action meet, but I could be wrong. However, I did find this quote from Harriet Tubman and it is pretty spot on to what I was thinking (besides this picture has fireworks so that is 4th of July-ish).
I know I over think things... Sometimes people ask me questions and if I can't give a good answer the question just keeps rolling around in my brain. For example last week at Bible study the girl asked "How do you wake up in the morning?" I joked and said coffee (which is true). But what she meant was "Why do you wake up in the morning?" "What are you passionate about?"
When it came my time to answer I said story telling... I explained saying I love writing stories, I also love reading and getting invested in stories. But I also love meeting up (usually for coffee) with people and getting to know their story and to invest in people's lives. My answer was true but it just didn't seem to be enough. So I have been thinking about that question and the answer for the last week... yep I over think things.
Then in church we started a series called "Integrity" looking at the book of James. My pastor mentioned that being someone of integrity is being someone of good character, trustworthy, and sound. Sound being built to last. He gave a quote from the US Soccer Coach (from the World Cup) saying "It is better to start with the end in mind." He then talked about how he sits down with college seniors and asks them to think about their funerals and how they want to be remembered. He said "it is a vision, hopefully compelling enough that in the end our faith is still in tact."
Lately I have been feeling that I want to do something more with my life than just be doing my job and finishing school. I want my life to mean something. In the example given about his seniors he says the most common answers are about being loving, caring, and faithful... while those are good answers I want my life to be known for making an impact. I am not sure what that looks like I am still praying about that. I am praying that God helps me be open to His will.
Right now that is where I am... I am looking for a way to combine my passions and my desire to make an impact on the world.
In my last post I wrote about how I related to Tris because of her angst... in the book she is dealing with first love and trying to find her place in her world. In the book Tris feels she has to make one choice and follow it wholeheartedly, but because she is Divergent she has multiple paths and that is how life is. Thankfully (and sometimes not so thankfully) we all have multiple paths.
I am grad-school and I am almost at the end. I hopefully have one more semester... though I feel I have said this a few times because I had to delay my thesis a few times. This has given me time to think of what I want to do with my life.
When I was in high school I wanted to be Abigail Chase, Diane Kruger, character in National Treasure. She was a confident, and though she was a history nerdy girl she was was also very sexy. Also, she knew everything about everything, which was cool. For like split second I thought about doing Political Science but then I realized I loved history and escaping into the past. So I decided to pursue history in undergrad. I moved to Boston, on an almost gut reaction, because from almost the moment I visited it felt like it was home. Plus it didn't hurt that it was one of the most historical cities in the US. And basically minus the really cold winters and spells of homesickness I love Boston and I have been blessed with a second family here.
Now I am grad-school, and thinking about my future I often wonder if this path I chose going into library science and history is what I am suppose to be doing. For awhile I thought about leaving everything I know and going on missions. But the more time I thought about it, it didn't feel right. I had a passion for it but over time I lost it and sometimes I feel I have no idea what to do...
Sometimes, it scares me because I am usually a person with a five year plan, but I feel my five year plan has changed a few times. Right now I am embracing I don't have a plan, because right now I can hide behind the idea of just working on my thesis. I can put off real life and trying to be an adult. I guess this why I relate to Tris... she is still trying to make decisions of her life and figure things out. Fortunately for me I am not also trying to fight a corrupt government (thank goodness).
Even though I am trying to figure things out I am glad I have some solid things to hang on to. I have my family, my second family, my friends, my faith... all these things have held me up and held me together and I a thankful for those. Also I am glad to figure out that like Tris we don't have one path and one choice.
I know in my last post I write about wanting to escape... well I haven't run away (so no worries). Also after my last post my cousin told me "Find something that brings peace to your soul and wallow on through."I think I have...
{pic}
Lady Adelaide from
"Lark Rise to Candleford"
In all this I have found myself wanting to escape into my story (still untitled). In the summer and over last semester any free time I had was spent working on this story. I have made many changes to it over time for one I was originally writing it in first person perspective, and I have changed some of my characters name. One character was originally named "Lady Elizabeth" but over the summer I fell for the series Lark Rise to Candlefordand there is a character Lady Adelaide and I found her very inspiring. Sometimes I hated her because she seemed so cold but I think deep down she was just hurt and her coldness was her protective wall. I think she got into my mind and I changed the character Lady Elizabeth name to Lady Adelaide. When I first started writing this story she wasn't suppose to be a major character, but now I have her almost as a second mother to Mattie. She is also suppose to have a deep hurt that makes her hide from the world and it is not until Mattie comes into her life that she truly comes to life. As a writer I am always happy to explore the paths my characters take me on.
I have also find escapism in reading. I know my life should be all about my thesis and class work (and I feel I give it enough) so when I am on the T, I allow myself to read fun novels. I am currently reading my friend's novel The Truth About the Sky... to be honest it is not my typical read as I mostly read historical fictions, but I don't know anyone in real life that has been published so got support my friends. Plus it is good to read outside of your comfort zone.
Plot...
As a Pastor's kid, Kim has been told her whole life that God can see every mistake she makes. Now that she's a college dropout, unemployed and in a questionable relationship with a party guy, her mistakes are all the more obvious. (Especially to her demanding mother, who, apparently, thinks wearing jeans on a commercial flight is a sin.) If only she could move away! Then she could hide from gossip and no one would see her mess up.
There is suppose to be a scandal to arise testing Kim's questioning faith but so far none has come up... so I am looking forward to reading that and how it is handled.
Next I want to go back and re-read some of my favorite books, that have set on my shelf too long. I find going back and re-reading some favorites is very soothing like eating comfort food or a nice cup of tea.
On the thesis front I have been progressing with research, mostly right now I transcribing records of working women's reports on their expenses into excel in order to gain insight into how much money they spent on clothes and on recreation vs. what their income was. Excel is awesome for this as I can do percentages and averages with very little actual math. (Of course I had to call my dad to ask him how to do it). Of course while I have been doing this I have been marathon watching some of my favorite shows, just as back ground noise but quite amusing. This has been kind of comforting as well.
Of course nothing beats hanging out with friends. I am not always good about asking to hang out (I know it sounds backwards when I complain about loneliness) but it is. But the last 3 weekends and some other scattered days I have hung out with friends... mostly just crashing and watching TV but I have also gone bowling, tried on my bride's maid dress for my friends wedding, and all 3 weekends had Chinese food. (I have discovered I like scallion pancakes and crab rangoo).
Not to go against Ron Swanson but I have to say most sadness can be cured with Chinese Food.
