Figuring some things out...

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Hello,

I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update  in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...

In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions... 

Dear Anne,

I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.

Best Buds

Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)

We so silly

Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.

I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.

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Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.

old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"

Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future... 

I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.

I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.

Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.

Holding onto Truths pt. 2

Hello,

 

When I posted my Holding onto Truths  I wrote that I needed to add a part 2... First I am rather surprised how many people have read that post and my Life Update post. Let me go back and explain a few things, halfway through writing my "Holding onto Truths" post was when I was having trouble with my blogging on my home computer, so I didn't write it all together. That was probably good because I feel like I was kind of throwing myself a pity party, then once I postponed my thesis I felt like the cloud that had been hanging over me was gone and I felt much more relief. I actually felt like deleting that post, but then I felt that would be as if I was pretending that I never had those doubts or concerns and I want to be honest with you my readers. I feel like today so much of social media is concerned with showing only our best side, but this blog is not only for my best it is also to help work through my worst. So I posted the post and I hope if you are feeling doubts, and insecurities, that you will read that post and know you are not alone.

 

After posting "Holding onto Truth" post my mom called, she so wishes she could fix all my problems. I told her "at least I know these are lies." I think we hold onto lie because it is the devils way of keeping us from God. I honestly believe the verses that God created us in His image, to be his masterpiece, but if the devil can slip doubt into that, then he can separate us from God and separate us from doing the work God wants us to do. I will be the first one to admit sometimes the voices of doubt, insecurities, pain, regret, shame, and others cab scream louder than God's whisper of peace, beauty, hope, love and truth. I know the feelings of being surrounded by those voices, feeling lost in the woods and not knowing a way out, or feeling you have sunk to the bottom of the ocean and see no life preserver. I know those feelings but I also know God's truth. 

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Somewhat related post:

Things I am afraid to tell you

No fight left

Not forsaken and part 2 

Discovering my mountain 

Hope is in the act of Waiting

I am still struggling with it. I know God is present in my life but right now I can't feel Him. I am sticking to my quiet times but they are more like a to do list than an experience. I am hoping now that I have postponed my thesis and the cloud has lifted I can get real and honest with God. Its funny God knows everything, He knows the desires of my heart, He knows all my bruises, all the pain I carry around pointlessly and yet sometimes I feel I can hide from Him. Right now I don't want to hide from any more. I know I have issues but I think the only way to move on is to open my heart to God, truly open my heart, hand over the pain and tears and let Him be in the moment. I told Him, the other day in prayer, that get glimmers of His goodness but I don't want to just settle for moments of it. I want it to be fully in my life. 

It is interesting that in my community groups we were talking about Romans 12 and my friend asked us which one of the following in the "Love in Action" part is hardest for us. I said "12:12, because I have felt like beaten down, at a loss, and not knowing where to go in my faith. I have felt passionless in my faith, and I have felt for awhile sometimes I am just going through the motions." I have had moments of passion but they are short and far between. I am longing for a moment of His glory and my passion. 

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need.Practice hospitality.

In my last post Music for my soul I wrote the truths I am holding on to:

• I know God is present in my life even if I am not feeling Him right now.
• I know God wants only the best in my life, so while this is just a phase, it is not forever.
• I know God loves me and will not let go of me.  

I don't really have a conclusion to this post but I felt I left my "Holding onto Truth" post on such a low note that I wanted to let you, my readers, know that in my heart I know the doubts and insecurities are lies and I trying very hard to cling to God's truth. 

Thank you for reading,

Blaire

 

Some good finds on Pinterest:

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Music for my soul

Hello lovely readers,

I have been posting a lot of songs lately. It is amazing to me I will just be listening to my spotify playlist and songs I selected months ago are still so powerful to me. This is one of those songs. From my Dear Anne letters, I think you tell I have been going through a hard time in my faith so the words of the song are very true for my present.

 

Truths I am holding onto in my life:

I know God is present in my life even if I am not feeling Him right now.

I know God wants only the best in my life, so while this is just a phase, it is not forever.

I know God loves me and will not let go of me.  

 

Song: Silence

By: Joy Williams

Are you listening
TO anything that I say
'Cause I been praying
How many prayers can I pray
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today

I know You're here, but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking, I can't hear You
How much longer will this last

Chorus:
So okay Answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Why do I question
Your intentions for me
When Your affection
Is a proven legacy

Oh Father, Father
Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me

You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet

Oh, it's okay
If You answer me with silence
And it's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Holding onto truths

Dear Anne,

These letters I write to you are suppose to help me feel I am writing to a friend instead of the entire internet, that way I feel I can truly talk about what is going on in my life. I have loved these letters to you because in them I feel I can express what is truly going on in my heart and mind. A friend asked me once if I minded putting out there things so very personal about myself, I said no. I love to write and I feel writing is the one way I can truly share myself. I would love to think that if what I write here resonates with some one or if some one reads these letters and knows they are not alone in their feelings. I spend so much of my life feeling alone, that if I can connect to someone through this blog I will be happy. So here I sit writing this letter.

Last Saturday night my co-worker and I went out. She did my make-up and dressed me up and we had a wonderful girls night. It took a strangers compliments but it was one of the few times in my life I felt beautiful. I don't mean to throw myself a pity party but I don't really see myself as beautiful, I have always written myself off as a Plain Jane... and I have been comfortable with it. I felt like I had gotten into a Princess Mia rut being comfortable saying "As usual this as good as its going to get" kind of rut. But then my friend dressed me up, did my make up and I felt beautiful.

Just in case you didn't know what I was talking about
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I know not every day is going to be an awesome looking  but when I look in the mirror I see the lies of shame and regret. This isn't right I know it isn't right but the lies are surrounding me. I honestly don't know what is going on with me... I feel trapped in. Mentally and emotionally trapped. But that Saturday night I felt free, thanks to a few drinks, I felt free. I know it is not true freedom but I felt loose and good about myself and it has been awhile since I have felt that way.

My friends keep telling me "not to be so hard on myself, that I am in a funk" and it's true I am in a funk. I know this is just a phase but it feels this phase is going on for a long time and has left me wondering what is true in my life. Do not worry, I do not question God's existence and I know He is in my life, I know this because if He was not I am sure I would be suffering from depression. Just right now I feel lost, I feel lost in the woods and the trees are so thick and blocking my view of the sky and my path. While I am feeling lost I am trying to hold on to God's truth of love, grace, and hope. I am also holding on to the blessings in my life my great friends in Boston, my church, and my family. 

From my "Thankful For" post

 So to conclude, while yes I know I am being really personal about my life, I feel if I didn't I wouldn't be being honest you or to myself. And if I can in anyway connect to someone out there I am happy this blog is out there. 

As always my love,
Blaire

Some wanderings....

Dear Anne,

My mom read my last few letters and she said it sounded like I was "lost", I responded quickly that I am not lost, I am just trying to seek out the best God has to offer and I have a lot of thoughts and questions. 

I still don't think I am lost just hazy on where to go and what to do with my life. I am guessing that is pretty typical, after all I am soon to graduate grad-school, and is making me think of what to do and where to go. 

I have been going through this 30 day challenge, recommended to me by a friend, it has no strict guidelines just 5 out of the 7 days to be in the Word and praying. I made up a schedule of switching between the Old Testament (which I need to read more of), the New Testament and a devotional I have.  But the main point of it is just to listen to God. She read my post Spiritual Jealousy and knew my desire to grow in God. So after I got back from my time in Newport I set out on this challenge. 

As of Friday (6/14) I am on day 15. I thought by now I would have some big revelation of what God desired. The only thing I feel sure of is that I think too much of myself and that I knew going into this. I have written about how I want to make an impact on the world but how can I do that when all I think about myself  and find more comfort living in the world of my novels than I do in the real world. I feel more comfortable writing this blog than actually talking about my feelings with my friends. 

I wrote in my journal: "How do I continue to put others first?" Then I wrote "I am so selfish to even  have to ask that question. " First thing I know is my heart must change, I must focus on other people's needs. How do I do that? That seems like a weird question to shouldn't that be just instinct. 

After I wrote that I reflected over the last time I felt really useful  and it was in Honduras, last August.

one of my favorite pictures from my trip

I so want to be of use in this world. But I am not sure of the next step I should take. Once again I leave this letter with no conclusion. I guess that is okay because a life of faith is not about coming to conclusions is it about the process of being transformed. 

Yours wandering,

Blaire 

P.S.- My friend, who challenged me, sent me a quote who she thinks is by CS Lewis..."Spiritual growth and maturity comes when we start to realize our sin and shortcomings." I tried to look it up but could not find it, I did find a blog called Desire Spiritual Growth  that I will have to check out in more depth. Also I found this... 

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Asking for Bravery and Wisdom

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Dear Anne,
I know I wrote my last letter to you just a few days ago but being out of school has left me with a lot of time to question my life and my faith. 

Do not worry I will not be using this letter to talk about the movie Brave, I just thought it was a cute picture to start off my letter. Actually I will be talking more about this verse...

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A couple of weeks ago in my bible study we talked about the story in Acts 19 where Paul goes to speak boldly in the synagogue. After reading that I told the group I have a hard time being open about being a Christian. Some people find it hard to share their faith because they are afraid they won't be liked or that someone will ask them a question they don't know the answer to. I am not afraid for those reasons, I mean in college I was but now I have come to realize people don't really care if I am a Christian as long as I don't shove my beliefs down their throats. Also I know I won't have the answer to every question because honestly who would. The most important question I feel like someone could ask me is "why you believe?" and to that I would say "Because at the end of the day He is the only one that makes sense of my life. When I feel things falling apart I know He will be there to hold it together."  

So why am I scared ? Because I don't want to be thought of  as someone who would waive signs that say "God Hates..."  or to be associated with people like the Westboro Baptist Church. I feel like these people do harm to us as group of Christians and to the Kingdom of God.  To be honest I think God only hates sin because it causes separation from Him and he is perfect. When God made the world He called it good. And that goodness, I have been told is equivalent to word completeness. I have yet to read where God says he hates a group of people. Even when He calls down wrath to the Israel it is not because He hates them it is because He hates their sin and punishing them for it and teaching them to be better people. But I honestly don't think as a mere mortal we can say what God hates... all we know is what God loves and that is all people because when He made Adam and Eve the Bible says..
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 

It goes further to say in Psalm to say..
For you created my inmost being;    you knit me together in my mother’s womb. Psalm 139:13 (a personal favorite) 

And we all know the classic verse John 3:16
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16 

There are more verses to quote but from my point of view there seems to be more arguments for God's love than God's hate. 

Anyway, back to my original point. I guess I hide my beliefs because I am afraid of people thinking I am judgmental and a hater... which I don't think I am. And now having wrote this I think most my co-workers know I am a Christian mostly because I talk about going to church, bible study, and they know I don't swear. One co-worker says I am on "Team G-O-D." But I wish they could know my heart. And in that I wish I could be more brave.  

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This is outside of my church back home in Oklahoma (First Baptist Church of Moore) and these guys are blocking the Westboro protesters at the funeral of tornado victims... I really like this picture.   

After writing about God's love and reflecting on these verse I question...what do I fear? What holds me back? I want to be bold like Paul but I don't think I have a very bold spirit. I always shy away confrontation, so I am hoping to grow. I am having good practice I have a co-worker that frequently asks me about my faith and what I believe. I do so pray and hope I am giving the right answers and I do so pray to grow in strength and wisdom. 

Sorry these last few letters have not come to any real conclusion... I have more questions sometimes than answers. 

My love, 
Blaire

As I finished this letter I found this on pinterest...

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Searching for connection

Dear Anne,

I have been feeling a little disconnected from things. During school I was so wrapped up in finals but now that school is over my brain still feels a little foggy. I think one problem is, is that I am too wrapped up in my own brain. I admit I get so focused on my own problems that I can forget what is going on in other peoples lives, I hope this doesn't sound selfish.  

Lately my church has been going through a series on Discipleship and one thing I have really been struck by is how much discipleship has to do with other people. I guess I should not be surprised by this especially since Jesus was the ultimate servant and was always involved in working with others. But the series has left me wondering, how can I serve. I do serve at my church with the nursery and what we call hospitality but it doesn't feel to be enough. 

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After the Boston Marathon Bombing I thought about giving blood as you know I hate shots and needles, so that seemed like a big deal, but over a month has gone by and I have not done it. Now with another home of mine in the middle of pain and destruction (Oklahoma) ... I feel I must do something. Being so far away and being in my usual mindset of blocking things out I could easily go on with life as if nothing happened. But I don't want to. 

I don't know where this originates as I found it on Facebook

As you know I have been going through some valleys in my walk with God and I am really trying to change that. Now that I am back from vacation with my mom and I don't have any "out of the normal plans" I am starting a 30 day bible/devotional reading plan. But I am thinking about what type of service I can do. I am still really thinking of giving blood... is that enough? 

I don't have an answer to that yet but I want to do good in this world. 

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Besides working with the children at the church nursery and going down to Honduras last year and hopefully next year, I have never really felt called to serve some place. When people talk about "spiritual gifts" I never know what to say. And without an answer I feel like I am little lost in where to serve or what to do. 

 Any way I guess I don't have a good conclusion to this post. I am just hoping through serving others I will feel more connected.   

Love,

Blaire

Spiritual Jealousy

Dear Anne,
Is it okay to be jealous of some one because you wish you were  where they are spiritually, I mean? 

As you probably know from my lack of letters I have taken some time off from life to focus on finishing my semester. This meant not going to my usual Bible study and not really reading the Bible on my own. (Which, I know is not good but in the moment it felt like what was needed). Before the craziness of April I felt I was really growing (see Discovering my Mountain) but now I feel stunted again as if no growth happened and I am not happy about it. I mean I am not surprised because you can't walk away from any relationship for a month and expect it to be the same after that time. But I guess in some way I was naive and thought I would be in the same growing spot. I am not. I feel my relationship with God is kind of lifeless. 

What is worse, is when I finally came back to my Bible study, some of the girls I was closest too...seemed changed, better even. Better may not be the right word but they definitely seemed like they were growing in their relationship, they were desiring God more, and they were obeying God willingly. And though I know it is not right to be jealous of them, I was. The next day when I was having my quiet time I prayed saying "I wish I was them." Then through that I realized I look up to them one for her complete obedience to God, one for how strong they were and never seeming to doubt God's timing, and one for her genuine and generous love. So maybe I shouldn't be jealous of them maybe I should strive to be like them. And I do. I think God has given me these three in particular because he wants me to use them as models of how I want my life to be. The real question is how do I it? 

This is an a question I don't have an answer to. I do my quiet time, I go to church, and I go to Bible study but it doesn't seem to making a difference in my growing the other times in my life I don't feel changed by God. How sad is that? I know he is here, I know in some way he is guiding me but I don't really feel changed. I wrote this in "Discovering my Mountain": 

As much as I write about hope... I still don't know what it means to hope in the Lord and in that I don't know what it means to truly trust in the Lord.  I know to trust in the Lord in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord has a perfect plan for me and in that I trust. I also know when I try to take control over my life it feels like it falls apart. But on a day to day basis, I don't know what it means to Trust in the Lord, so I keep circling this mountain. 

I am still at the same point and I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to venture further then where I am right now, and I don't really like where I am (in this lukewarm relationship with God, where I could take it or leave it and more often then not leave it). I don't like it and I am pretty sure God doesn't like it so how can I move beyond this? 

I don't expect you to have the answer but now that I am done for the summer this is something I would like to work on. 

I hope to write more later,
-Blaire

I don't know why but I like this picture. The tree stump was from a tree taken down in Hurricane Irene (2 years ago) and now these daffodils bloom here. Daffodils have become my favorite flower as they are one of the first to bloom and that means we have made it through the winter...a great sign of hope.

Discovering my Mountain

Dear Anne, 

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I have just finished my 3 part blog posting on "Not Forsaken". If you have not read them I hope you will because otherwise this letter will not make a lot of sense. At the bottom of the 3rd post I wrote about how my friend keeps telling of me of a mountain that when God has something he wants to teach us and we ignore Him we will circle around a mountain but never actually able to climb it. As beautiful as I think mountains are I have never been an outdoorsy person. So I apologize ahead of time if I lose the analogy. 

Anyway, the idea of this mountain and circling around it comes from the Old Testament, the story of the Israelite's and their wandering through the desert as they wait to enter the promise land. (Sorry I am also not a big Old Testament scholar so forgive me if I miss quote something). But the Israelite's are lead out of Egypt (and their slavery) by Moses and Aaron and very soon after entering the desert they begin to complain and grumble about how God has abandon them. First they decide to build an altar and make an idol and say that Baal (the golden calf) brought them out of the Egypt. Then at one time they want to return back to Egypt and go back to their harsh life of slavery as they think it will be better than their lives in the desert with God. Because they are not following God they are left to wander the desert. But God has not abandoned them. It is written that a cloud of smoke by day and fire by night lead them (Deuteronomy 1:32,33). Even with having God's presence they still grumble and did not always trust in God. Before I go criticizing the Israelites I should stop, how many time have I grumbled and not trusted God? And so many times when I read the Old Testament I realize I am much like the Isrealites.  I may not have God's presence like a cloud of smoke but I definitely have God's presence in my life. So let me move on...

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As I was working on my 3 post for "Not forsaken" and reflecting on all my post I have already written I discovered something. As much as I write about hope... I still don't know what it means to hope in the Lord and in that I don't know what it means to truly trust in the Lord.  I know to trust in the Lord in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord has a perfect plan for me and in that I trust. I also know when I try to take control over my life it feels like it falls apart. But on a day to day basis, I don't know what it means to Trust in the Lord, so I keep circling this mountain. 

how I imagine letting go
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I will admit that I have a fear of not being "good enough." So sometimes I feel I have to watch every step to make sure I am being "perfect" (even though I know perfection cannot be reached). I fear that I am not "good enough" people will see me as the wreck (I feel I often am) and they will stop loving me. So when I think things are going bad in my life, I try to take control in the situation, and fix myself. Though when I try to take control of the situation I slip, I fall and world seems even worse off than when I started. I know it is because I have pushed God away because I want control. So I go around the mountain again. I feel this is a constant pattern in my life. But I am going to change it... so I can go up the mountain and experience all of God's goodness and grace.

As I said I am not an outdoorsy person so I don't really know how to climb a mountain. In fact the last time I climbed a mountain was almost 6 years ago and there was a marked path and I had a group of friends and leaders. While I have no marked path here, I know I have God. I have friends and I have lots of people who speak great truth in my life. 

So I hope to learn how to climb this mountain. 

-Blaire

Thankful for

If you have been reading my "Dear Anne" letters you will know I have been in a kind of negative place. Well at the advice of my dear friend who I call my "Boston Mom" she reminds me of the things I am thankful for... So to share them with you I wanted to make a collage. I couldn't post all the pictures I wanted but this is a good reminder....

1. My family: They have always been supportive of me and it wasn't until I moved to Boston that I realized how much I need them. 

2. My friends: The random dance parties, our trips together, going to the movies, and being a shoulder to cry on.

3. My older sister: Who has always been looking out for me. 

4. My relationship with my dad: We weren't that close during my teen years but now I feel I can turn to him for everything.

5. My relationship with my mom: We have our ups and downs but I know she loves me and is always supporting my dreams wherever they can take me.

6. Being an aunt: I love being an aunt to my sister's kids and my best friend's baby. I have been told I will love my kids more than my niece and nephew but I love them so much and they have brighten up my life. 

7. Hope: No matter how dark things might get there is always hope. 

No fight left

No Fight Left

By: JJ Heller.

Dear Anne,

I am sorry it has been so long since I have written. I could easily blame Grad-School but considering I have had no motivation to do anything in school, I cannot really say that. The last couple of weeks I have felt my life going down hill. I even wrote you about how I was focusing on the good things in my life, I thought that letter would keep me up-beat. I am sad to say that it has not. I have even reached out to my "support team" (close family/friends) for them to pray for me and the response I have gotten has been so heart warming, I have felt truly loved but some how my heart an mind keep dwelling on the bad and I just see my life as a downward spiral (as much as I smile and pretend to be all right). I even questioned if I belonged to him since I kept having these times in my life where I was low and discouraged.


Well over the past couple of weeks my church has been going through the book of Jonah. He is mostly known for Jonah and the Whale but that is so little part of the story. When Jonah goes to Nineveh (the bad guys) and after little convincing they repent and our saved from destruction. The story goes further but I am going to stop right there. Both Jonah and the people of Nineveh had turned away from God and both were saved by God's never ending grace. At the end of the sermon my pastor said "there is nothing you can do to out run God's grace". As awesome as that statement is I will admit I didn't go right home and immediately go to God (as I should have done) but later Sunday night as I was brushing my teeth I read the verse taped near my mirror.

"Find rest O my soul in God; my hope alone comes from Him" (Psalm 62:5)

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And I thought, "how little do I consider God my hope." I have this verse written in multiple places and I never really consider God my Hope. I know God has saved me and I know God wants the best for me but how little do I actually think about God's hope and grace. Then as I was sitting and \
praying, I realized I keep underestimating God's grace. God's majestic saving and healing powers. 

I wrote that first part and then during my weekly phone date with my dad, I just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. He was just talking about how I was doing so well, I was climbing Mount Everest (in Grad-School) and I am at the last 10% and this is the hard part. I told him I didn't feel I was climbing Mount Everest I felt I was going a downward spiral to no where. I hate standing some days and I just want to hide and cry. 

I realize I am much like Jonah in the whale. I am going through a hard time and as easy as it would be for me to just retreat and sulking in my distress. I need to turn to God and  find my hope in him. Right now this is easier said than done.

Today I read Psalm 86 and it was exactly what I need to read. So while I am still in this low place, I need to remember God is with me. I just wish I felt Him more. 

I liked verse 5-7
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Sorry this letter is a bit scattered... it reflects my state of being right now. 

Thanks for reading.

Yours,

Blaire
P.S. Is it bad that I just want to spend the day eating chocolate and staying in my PJ's?

In need of some light-heartedness

Dear Anne,

When I started writing these letters to you I made a promise to you that I would not write any "fluff" post but right now I need some "fluff." Lots of things in my life seem to be crumbling around me and I cannot think of how to phrase them all. But I didn't want to not write this week so if you will pardon me... I am going to write some fluff. 

Reading the book on the T.

I just got done reading my friend Katharine Grubb's book Falling for Your Madness, which I highly recommend as a great read on the beach over the summer or when you are stuck inside due to a blizzard or like me and just don't want to think about grad-school. I started it on Thursday afternoon and finished it by Sunday and I got swept up in the chivalry of the story. It is great to have such chivalrous character like David to fall for and you know me I am a sucker for a chivalrous hero. 

Any way this letter is not to write you a book report but I wanted to write that blurb so you understand this part. In one of their dinners they discuss what five things they love and five things they hate. I will only share my five loves in this letter (as I need some time to remember the good things in my life). 

my nephew wearing the T-shirt
I got him for Christmas

1. I am going to break David's rule of not saying my family... he thinks it is virtuous to say but doesn't say anything about us (p. 37). I am sorry but I think if you want to know me you must know I have a deep love of my family. They shape me so much and  while I am at least a thousand miles away from them they are a constant in my life. And lately I have seen how important they are for me as a support team in my life. But more specifically you have probably seen from my other letters I do have a sort of addiction to my niece and nephew. Last week I was feeling lonely so I made sure to spend some time with kids. I skyped with my sister and through that I drew pictures of princesses with my niece. Then on Friday I spent the afternoon with my best friend's baby. It was what I needed. So I love kids. 

2. I love getting lost in a good a book. Even though I am in grad-school I try to make time to read a fun book on the side. I love when a story can completely take me away from all that is going on in my life and I can disappear into another world. I usually find this true about historical fictions but last year I read the Hunger Games and could not put them down. 

3. My first cup of coffee. I sometimes get up, switch my coffee pot on, and then climb back in bed and wait for it to finish brewing. My first cup always wakes me up. The picture is of my favorite mug. My best friend gave it to me for Christmas and it is absolutely my favorite. This picture is not good but it says "Creative Fuel" and I love my days off when I can sip out of it and actually do some fun writing, which leads me to my number 4. 

4. Getting time to write. It doesn't happen much from going to grad-school, working, and doing life but I love when I find a few minutes to "work" on my story. I put the word work in "" because it is not really work it is a pleasure.  Like my getting lost in a good book I also like getting lost in  my own stories. 

5. Umm... last thing. This is hard because I feel there are many things I love. But I would say this city of Boston. Since the first time I came here I felt like this place was home. While, I love going back home to Oklahoma for the nostalgic aspects. I think Boston was the first place I ever felt like I truly fit in. And even in the cold I still love it here. I also feel God has blessed me here with my school, my friends I have made that have become a second family to me, my church, and most importantly my walk with Him.  

Boston gets more snow. 

Okay thanks for listening to my "fluff" it was good to write this down and remind myself all the goodness in my life. There are more than five things I love but I want to follow David's rule. 

- Blaire 

Waiting for one day

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Dear Anne,

In my last letter I wrote about my obsessions and how I am obsessed with my niece and nephew. Over Christmas my step-mom told me that as much as I love H and E I will love my own kids a thousand times. I don't know how that is possible since I would give my life for them but I am sure I will love my kids more so. I am just so far away from having that in my life and sometimes it hurts. Lately me having a baby has been a trend. A couple of weeks ago I had a bad day at work and to get some peace I watched a video of H dancing around. I told my co-worker this and she said I just need to have a baby. Then I was talking to another co-worker and he said I would make such a good mom. As great as a compliment this is... it also hurts. I know I want to have a baby so bad but there are a few things I need first. The most important thing would be a husband and I am not even in a relationship. So I feel like having a baby is still leaps and bounds away from me. 

I know this might be kind of silly but sometimes when I see pregnant women I feel a little empty because I feel my body is not doing what it is suppose to. I know God's timing is perfect but this is the one area I doubt God. I feel God has put this desire in me to be a wife and mother but for some reason it is not happening to me. So I wonder if God really wants me to be a wife and mother and if He doesn't want me to fill this role what am I to do with my life? I know it is wrong for me to doubt God so I have to remind myself that God's will is perfect and I hope I am not clinging to my desires too much I am not letting Him have His way. 

I know I am in grad-school and it is silly for me to think about having family but I would seriously give it all up if it meant I could be a wife and mother. 

Just having a low a moment. Thanks for listening. 

Yours,
Blaire

Dear Anne,

Maybe someday
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I wrote that top part when I was having a low moment but I didn't send it because it sounded like a "woe-is-me" letter so I am sorry for not writing sooner. After I had written the top part I have had some good quiet times. I am going to share parts of my prayers as I know you will be worried about my heart and I want to be completely honest with you. 


(from 2/7-2/9)
Dear Lord,
Oh Lord I am sorry for holding to this doubt I wrestle with. Lord I am your ways are better than my ways, I know your timing is perfect and complete. Lord I know all that but yet I question you. Lord I question if you really will provide me for me a husband and children. I know I look to that so much to much I let it define me too much. Lord I see that as my absolute fulfillment and you oh Lord are the only one who can truly fulfill me. Lord that I thank you for. 

Lord I know your will is perfect. I pray for patience. Lord I know as much as I want a relationship I am not ready for one. Lord I know I would put that first because I put that desire first. Lord I prepare my heart. Mold me to be what you desire. Lord I know your will is perfect and I know I hold on to the details too much. Lord help me let go of the details so I can cling to you...Lord I think what I need is a change of mindset. I feel if I submit to you, I think I won't get my family I have been longing for. And I see that as the ultimate fulfillment. The ultimate way to say "I am good enough". Lord you are the ultimate fulfillment help me to rely on you. Lord my God you have blessed me and I know letting go of this you will continue to bless me.

Lord my God help me submit to your ways. Help me be part of the change you desire. Lord my God I know your ways are perfect and I know your truths are abounding. I pray I keep steadfast in you. Lord mold me for how you long me to be. Oh Lord my God walk with me on this path.

I do not write this because I am strong I write this because I am weak and wrestling.


Yours faithfully,
Blaire

Always the hopeful romantic
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