Body thoughts

From the movie "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty"
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I am a modest person... I do prefer to cover myself up and I have always thought that modesty was more beautiful. But lately I have been wondering if I hide behind the idea of being modest because I am not confident in my body.

my cousin and I... last summer

I don't have an amazing body and I am okay with that. I don't consider myself sexy and I am okay with that. I cast myself as a Plain Jane and no matter how many times my friends and family tell me I am beautiful I have a hard time believing it. I don't know why this is but sometimes I think I use my ideals of modesty to try my body. There are many moments in my life when I don't feel comfortable in my body or knowing that people are looking at me. One of those moments are when I am in a bathing suit... yep I wear a one piece and wear shorts over them. In one respect I like wearing a one piece because my husband will be the first man to see my belly button (I know that might sound odd.) This pays off because I don't have to apply additional sunscreen but the number one reason I wear the shorts is I don't like my legs or at least my thighs.

I also have a friend who keeps asking me to work out with her. And I know I should it is healthy. But the gym I work out feels like a fashion show with women wearing the newest lulu lemon and don't even sweat. When I think about working out I think about hiding away and no one seeing me. Even still my mind just goes into negative mode. I know I am not in shape, I know that is bad however I don't feel comfortable with the idea of working out. 

It actually makes me feel mentally paralyzing and a hatred of my body.

I know that is bad thinking and it hurts my heart thinking that way. In the Bible it talks about in Genesis how God made us in His image. And there is scripture about how the body is the temple of God. "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own"-1 Corinthians 6:19. I know these verses are talking about sexual morality... but its true, God has called our bodies his Temple.

From all my readings The Temple in the Old Testament was a sacred spot where the presence of God lived in. Then after Jesus the Holy Spirit (the presence of God) was to live in our hearts, and in that our bodies are temples of God. That is a powerful statement... but what does it say about me that there are times I hate my body?

Before I go to far-- let me say these feelings are not everyday. Most of the time (with a bit of make-up) I think I am pretty. So I don't want my mom (my most consistent reader to be concerned about me). These are just passing thoughts and writing them out helps me think about them more and get to the through and muddle through them. Also I hope in my idealistic way that I will write these post and maybe get communication going about things people may not usually talk about. 

I started off this post thinking that hide behind my modesty because I think I lack confidence in my body... but now I am wondering if it is a deeper issue. I am still muddling through these thoughts. If you have any thoughts please let me know... THANKS!

Just thought it was funny
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A new to heroine love...

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I have found another heroine to love. It is Molly Gibson from the novel Wives and Daughters, by Elizabeth Gaskell. Molly Gibson is an only daughter of the strong headed and odd Dr. Gibson and she has made it her life's work to serve her father very unselfishly. At the beginning of the story a Mr. Coxe has fallen for her but her father, kind of selfishly, keeps Mr. Coxe's feelings unknown, and sends his daughter off to Hamley Hall. This is where the real action starts. At Hamely Hall we truly see Molly's sacrificing soul as we see her take care of the ailing Mrs. Hamely. Also during this time Dr. Gibson gets engaged to a silly woman. But what is most important for this blog post is we meet Roger Hamley, the second son of the Squire.

Molly and Roger
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I have watched the mini-series a few times and I have fallen in love with it. Plus I know from the comments on YouTube it doesn't have the great romantic ending that the mini-series has because Gaskell dies before she finished the book. So I was intrigued to see where the novel ended. I began reading the novel and I have fallen in love with Molly Gibson.

Molly, Cynthia, and Mrs. Gibson
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Molly is frequently compared to with her step-sister, Cynthia. I feel Gaskell stresses Cynthia's beauty because it is seems to be only outer beauty. Cynthia wants to be good but her mannerism is prone to trouble and while she talks a good deal of goodness she doesn't really improve. Also Cynthia knows she is a beauty, she likes to flirt with men, and use her beauty to get men's attention. Any way Molly is all goodness and everyone around her can see her sweet nature but the man she loves hardly notices her. In fact he sees her only as a sister. And Molly is so sacrificial that she never says one word of her love to Roger Hamley and actually encourages Cynthia in her relationship with Roger.

I am right now at the part where Molly is in pain because she is realizing that Cynthia does not truly love Roger and it breaks her heart. I am happy that have watched the mini-series to know that there is a happy ending for her because right now my heart is breaking for her. 

Molly is the kind of person who is sensible, good hearted, always caring for others over herself, and while she does not speak of it much she has a deep and passionate heart. In some ways I feel she is the heroine I wish I could be and in other ways I feel very much like her. By this I mean, I am not always good at expressing my emotions but I do have a deep heart to love. Molly is written off as plane and I sometimes when I look in the mirror I see a plane girl. Also Molly is noted for spending too much time in her books. But I wish I was like Molly in the way she is always caring for others above her own self and this in the end gives her a happy ending.

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I used to get annoyed with characters who are seen as behaving properly all the time, they seemed too perfect, and a good heroine has flaws. Though the more I read the more I find the more I love these heroines who are sacrificial in the way they act, do not always let their hearts known, but yet they do long for passion and a soul mate. I would count Elinor Dashwood, Fanny Price, Amy Dorrit, and Anne Elliot even though I am not a big fan of Persuasion.

If you love Jane Austen or if you are looking for another heroine to fall in love with I recommend Molly Gibson. I hope she is the kind of heroine I can become and write about in my stories for I feel she is a great role model to live up to. 

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Besides my love for Molly Gibson, the whole mini-series is great with some great one liners...

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To read more on other heroines I have fallen in love with... A Jane Austen Heroine

Ugly Betty is my Hero

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Since school has ended I have become obsessed with the show Ugly Betty. I don't know how I missed it when it was originally on TV because it is the kind of TV I love, a mix of over dramatics, a great sense of humor and at the end of the show a heroine any girl should look up to. Very basic plot Betty Saurez who is not the typical beauty with her big glasses, her braces, and her own sense of fashion. Betty works at a high end, trendy fashion magazine where she is the assistant to the Editor-in-Chief, Daniel Meade, and dreams of one day being an editor and having her magazine. Basically she does not fit into this world of high end fashion and her "friends" Marc and Amanda frequently tease her for her fashion and her "large" size. 

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So why is Betty my hero? Well that is easy in a world where she is teased constantly and pushed around she always has an up-beat, go getter attitude, and she always the gentle heart person you can't help but love. She doesn't let the negativity of the world get to her and no matter what she keeps pushing through. I love that she doesn't get absorbed into the fashion world and she still stands on her own two feet. She has dreams and pursues them with a great passion.

Even though she does not always fit into the world around her she makes friends, Christina, a true friend who helps Betty through the world of Mode. Amanda and Marc who have a love/hate relationship with her but at the end of the show are her dear friends. Also through the show she has five love interest. Walter, who is safe and secure but Betty realizes she wants more than her safe and secure life. Then comes Henry, who is an accountant of Mode, the cute adorable geek, who is the love of Betty's life.

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Like any melodramatic show, the producers will not let the pair of lovers come together with out a few trials one being a pregnant ex-girl friend, the other being a more daring love interest Gio. So Betty and Henry come together then fall apart and then he comes back during critical moments, or what is known in the TV world "sweeps". The next love interest is Matt Hartley, who are cute together, can never work things out and eventually he moves to Africa.

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But then comes Daniel. Through out the seasons, Betty and Daniel have some tender moments, the producers don't make this plot line a "will they or won't they." Daniel starts off the show as a womanizer and while he has swings of wanting to settle down he frequently goes back to his womanizing ways when things go bad in his life. Also Betty is so different then his typical woman I think it takes him awhile to see the beautiful woman she truly is. 

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While Betty does ultimately get a physical make over, her spirit and passion stay the same and that is what I love about her. 

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This post has been a lot about her love interest, and while that helps good TV, it is not those story lines that make Betty a hero of mine it is her view on life. She doesn't let the negativity of the world get her down, she makes mistakes and sometimes she gets her priorities messed up but at then end of it she still the go-getter Betty which is what I loved about her.

As I was thinking about this post, I was watching the last season on YouTube. There is this episode  "All the world's a stage" where Betty is dating this play-write but they have to hide their relationship. At the end of it she is kind of down on herself, she feels like she is the dork with glasses and braces. She has that her identity and all the negative connotations that go a long with it. In this moment she can't even see herself as beautiful.

Go to minute 4 and watch her and her sister's conversation.

It is a nice moment. To see this positive up-beat girl have a really tender moment where she admits her fear of being "ugly" but she wants to change her view point not only on the world around her but also on her own life. 

I think what I got most out of Ugly Betty was not to let the negative things in your life get you down you have to still go after your dreams. Then to realize if the negativity is coming from with in you have to change your story. (Easier said then done, I know.) Any way if this summer you are looking for a good woman role model look to Betty Saurez. (You can find most episodes on YouTube.)

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I feel like an Edith

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If you have watched the season finale of Downton Abbey you have seen this scene. 

You see how desperate she is for love and when I first watched this scene I thought, how pathetic for Edith to say "If you think I am going to give up on some one who says I am lovely." But I can't get this scene out of my head, I think I am like Lady Edith. Through out of the seasons we have watched Edith fall for any guy who gives her attention. First it was Matthew when she pathetically shows him around the churches, then she tries to capture the boring man's attention, and worst of all she kisses that married man this season. I have never gone that far but I feel I am too much like Edith. We have a lot of things in common both of us have sisters who are married and we are the middle daughters and I feel we both do things behind the scenes that no one really notices. And some times comparatively I feel myself the plain Jane, just like Edith is compared to her sisters and we have the red head thing going on. (But no worries I am not the back stabbing girl like Edith). 

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Back to my point, I can see where Edith is coming from when she says the line "if you think I am going to give up some one who says I am lovely". I think Edith does the things she does to get noticed rather good or bad she seems desperate for attention. I have lately noticed how "desperate" I am for love. In my my post "A little bit of light" I wrote about how I felt unworthy for love. But it is not the love you see in fairy tales or the love God has for us but the desperate feeling of acceptance. I think deep down I am desperate for acceptance and worthiness. I seek that from the world but the truth is true acceptance only comes from God. And what's amazing God already accepts me, He calls me worthy. So why do I seek it?

I am reading Beth Moore's book, Praying God's Word. And she has a chapter on unbelief. It is not that I don't believe in him. I have a hard time believing God truly accepts me and truly finds me worthy. That is something I need to pray through. Beth Moore writes out prayers to say in her chapter the one I liked the most.

Father, I pray that the eyes of the heart may be enlightened

in order that I may know the hope to which You have called me, 

the riches of Your glorious inheritance in the saints, and 

Your incomparably great power for us who believe! (Eph. 1:18-19) 

I realize that my seeking acceptance from the world might be a struggle all my life, but I have to work on my belief that God called me and continuously calls me worthy. And that is bigger and grander than any earthly acceptance. 

I found this today in my quiet time...

If the Lord delights in a man's way,

he makes his steps firm;

though he stumble, he will not fall,

for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

Psalm 37:23,24

A journey into makeup

Song-"Supermodel" by Jill Sobule

Video- "Clueless"

Hello lovely readers,

I am not a make up girl. I mean minus special events I really only wear eye make-up (eye shadow and mascara) but until high school I didn't even wear this much. In high school my makeup was sunscreen (in my facial moisturizer) and chap stick. Then freshman year of college I wore mascara but only on my top lashes but one of my friends asked me why I half my eye lashes were black and half were red, I got very conscious of my eye make up so I started working on my bottom lashes. I am not really good with putting things near my eyes so it took awhile and I only wore mascara on my bottom lashes on special days. But then I started doing it all the time and I became one of those girls who could not leave the house with out mascara. The summer after I graduated college I added eye shadow... though for the most part I think it looks just like my eyelids (maybe I should be more adventurous). 

My usual makeup

But my real confession is until a few days ago I never used make up remover. I mean I cleaned my face and I made sure never have bleak streaks under my eyes before leaving the house but never used make up remover. Then I was in the grocery store the other day and I saw some and put it in my basket. The last few nights I have been using it I haven't noticed a difference.

Here is the before shot 

The cleansing pad after I am done.

Here is my after...not much difference

It doesn't look that different so I don't know if I am cleaning wrong or if I need to get a better makeup remover, or if the face I wear water proof mascara means it never comes off.

This is what I am currently using

I am not a big make up person so I will probably never write about make up again but if you have any suggestions when it comes to this I am always happy to listen.

Thanks,

-Blaire

The ABC's of Me

I thought I would end this week on a more positive light hearted note. Copied from Desirous of Everything

Found at Pintrest

A. Age: 25

B. Bed size: Single

C. Chores: Scooping my cat's litter box (fun right).

D. Dogs: I had a few dogs growing up but I have had malteses (little white balls of fluff), a silky terrier and a Lhasa Apso but now I have a cat but would one day love a King Charles Spaniel

E. Essential start to your day: Coffee and mascara

F. Favorite color: Pink, then blue and then maybe purple tied with green

G. Gold or Silver: Silver

H. Height: I am not sure 5'6" to 5'8"

I. Instruments you play: Nothing... tried the piano and viola but I am not musical though I do love to sing.

J. Job title: Membership Processor/ Student

K. Kids: Some day (2 hopefully then maybe adoption)

L. Live: Boston!



Found at Pintrest

M. Mother’s name: Lisa

N. Nicknames: BBB (from Dad), Little Bit (from Step-dad), Hiebey, bbhiebsch, Bliz

O. Overnight hospital stays: Well when I born.

P. Pet peeves: A few but sniffling annoys me the most

Q. Quote from a movie: "Now I need not call you Mr. Knightley, I can call you my Mr.Knightley,"- Emma from Emma (with Gwyneth Paltrow)

R. Right or left handed: Right.

S. Siblings: Hunter, Tyler, Laure
T. Time you wake up:  8:30 most days. 10 AM if I had a choice

U. Underwear: Not to bed.

V. Vegetable you hate: Brussel Sprouts

W. What makes you run late: Trying to decide on what to wear.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth

Y. Yummy food that you make: I like to bake cookies.
Z. Zoo Animal: Koala Bear. Cute and Awkward.

A casual gaze

While I have been writing this blog I have thought of a few things about myself. Maybe in a way to explain my writing or just therapy for myself; either way I won’t be too mushy (I hope but I am emotional so I might not be able to resist).

One thing as previously discussed I am a hopeful romantic but I am not very experienced in the world of “romance.” I have only had four boyfriends and I have only kissed two boys. The first was my first real boyfriend in high school and I was nineteen years old.To be honest after watching plenty of teen soap operas ranging from Gilmore Girls and Dawson’s Creeks I felt I was the only girl who had not had a first kiss and also just to be honest I really wanted my first kiss. Sadly (no offense to him) no sparks flew and definitely no fireworks went off (not like you see in movies.) Then we broke up mostly because I was moving to Boston, three thousand miles away from him and we no longer talk minus maybe a “happy birthday” on Facebook. But I felt he had a part of me, a part I could never get back and I didn’t like it. I then set a standard for myself that I wouldn’t kiss a boy till I said “I love you.” In this day I am guessing that moving at a glacier pace but that explains why I have kissed one other boy because I loved him and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But it didn’t work out because of factors I won’t get into. So besides losing myself in what might seem like silly novels (check out Love of Reading) I have not had much experience in the world of romance but I am hopeful that one day I will meet Mr. Right but until that day I keep practicing being Mrs. Right (as a good friend once told me).

Another thing about myself is that I consider myself a plain Jane. Now I don’t say this as a way to be pitiful. I will say it honestly I just don’t look at myself and see myself as this knock out girl. Though as an author I would writer I had gold red hair that looked like the sunset and blue eyes that sparkled like the sea. To me that sounds like a fairy tale princess but I am far from feeling like a fairy tale princess. Maybe every woman feels like this after looking at themselves day in and day out. Or maybe women take more time putting themselves together. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t walk around with my hair disheveled or my clothes stained. I comb my hair but usually that it I don’t curl, flat iron or anything like that. And I will admit until high school I didn’t really use a hair dryer and however my hair looks that is how it will be. Then in college I started wearing make up but I still working on it. And honestly, I am not knocking women who take lots of time with their looks because they look great, I just don’t care. I’d rather sleep in. I’d rather slip my skirt on (except when it’s too cold) and my cardigan and leave my house then spend my money on the newest fashion. That’s just me. I am plain Jane and I am okay with that. But it might be why I write about plain Janes and hope in my stories like in real life that someone will see beyond the plain Janeness and see me. I think thats what will happen to my character Emmy.

There might be more later... but for right now I wanted to post this gaze into my life