moving on, holding on

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I can easily do this
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I saw this pin today and I found it just found it reassuring. I don't want to go into too much detail because it is personal and as much as I don't mind sharing personal things about my life, I don't like intruding on someone else's privacy. Anyway during the month of July I was a dating a guy, and in my naive way I could almost picture him being "the one." But we ended things because we saw our lives going different ways.

Anyway, when I am alone thinking did I make a mistake walking away to soon? And just feeling super alone and sometimes I hold my phone with his number up and I just want to text him to say "hello" and that I miss him. But I don't, I never do. I have told this to my friend and my mom and they say that is strong or "emotionally sturdy". However, I don't feel strong or sturdy... I feel weak and still a little heartbroken.

I never text him 1) because I honestly don't know what I would say 2) I know I need to move on 3) I don't believe we have changed and we would be in the situation we were in when things ended... so what's the point. So I push the "hangup" button and take a deep breath. 

But going back to the top picture, I found this pin and it reminded me to be true to myself... I know I shouldn't need a pin to remind myself of that. However, sometimes a little reminder is good.  

I know this post might sound a bit pathetic and I am sorry for that. I hope that in writing this pathetic post someone who is going through the same feelings as me will know they are not going through it alone. 

To end this post on slightly positive note... here are some good quotes about love and relationships (thanks Hello Giggles) 

“Once you’re back on your feet – if you ever make it back on your feet – that’s the ultimate achievement. I remember I was in New York at the Trump Hotel and I woke up and I just knew I was over it. It was a different day. I felt different. I didn’t feel lonely. I felt like I wanted to get up and be in the world. That was a great, great feeling.”- Rihanna

Anyway this hopeful romantic keeps hoping and keeps believing in love. Typing that I feel a lot like Gennifer Goodwin in He's Just not That into You. 

Pardon the language
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FINALLY reading Harry Potter

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I am a little late to the party... Actually with all the books published and all the movies out I am probably not just a little late to the party, my invitation probably got lost in the mail.

You might be wondering what took me so long to get to reading these book...

1) when the books came out I was in 8th grade and was escaping to Jane Austen and honestly couldn't imagine that books about wizards would be interesting... maybe a bit book snobbish.

2) Harry Potter was actually preached from the pulpit that it is of the devil and I know certain people would look down on me for reading them.

3) I originally thought that I wouldn't give them a chance until after grad-school.

What has changed?

People might still look down on me for reading them... but that shouldn't stop me from trying something. Also so many of my Christian friends have read them and rave about them and one of my strongest friends they have a strong Christian message. So I took this under consideration, but it was still on my to read after grad-school list... well as much as I love my historical novels I just felt I needed a little escape from history. Plus my roommate has all the novels, so nice easy access.

I will say as a wanna-be-writer, I like seeing how other writers write... and while some of my more literary friends might critique this book as being a bit juvenille in writing I actually liked it because it sounded like a 12 year old, which Harry is. And I am quite impressed with J.K. Rowling for imagining the world of Hogwarts.

However, saying that I have one critique one it was hard for me to imagine the world (but is probably my own problem because I have never read anything like Harry Potter) and because of this I face two problems: one it took me more effort to understand truly what was going on; also I didn't get attached to the characters. There was one part of the book that made my roommate's heart break and I was more like "eh"... or maybe I just have a heart of stone.

Even with this critique I am intrigued enough to read the second book... but first I am going to watch the first movie, so I can visualize it better.

Also because the books and movies have already been out and because there has been so much posting about on social media (mostly for me Pinterest) have been ruined. Supposedly it was a surprise that Harry, Ron and Heromine all become friends.

My sister saw that I was reading this and asked me if it was the best thing ever, because that is how everyone talks about it. To that I just shrugged my shoulders. (Sorry Potter heads.)

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From My Thesis Cave... Part 2

I am not sure how many parts of "from my thesis cave" there will be... I like to keep you guys (who ever is reading this) up to date on my life but right now my life feels like my thesis.

Right now I am feeling a little overwhelmed, I felt I was doing on my progress about thesis almost to the point of being cocky (sorry if I came off that way). Well I had a thesis advising meeting and she kind of told me I had done my historiography all wrong... BIG GULP! Well so let me get back to the drafting board. It is a set back but I am not going to let it get to me. I have changed into my yoga pants and flannel shirt (a frequent writing outfit), sipping on some tea, and taking a breath as I begin again. 

Any way, in this overwhelmed moment I thought it would be good to list things I am looking forward to once this thesis is over... 

1.Just being done will be so great- This thesis has kind of been a dark cloud hanging over me and once it is done I think I will just feel more free.

When this is true... it will feel so good
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Chuck!
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2. Watching mindless television. Is it sad that I am looking forward to this? I mean I do treat myself to episodes of Chuck and I watch some TV with my roommate but sometimes I feel guilty for not working on my thesis even when I am brain dead. 

3. Reading fun books. Another thing I do treat myself to... but mostly to keep my sanity in this time. But  I am looking forward to reading more book and at my own pace and not having to put down fun books because I have work to do.

4. Writing my story... As much as I would love work more on my story "The Grand Days" (working title) I feel I really have no energy for it. 

5. On a more serious note...I look forward to finding my passion. While I have been in school, especially more as I have been facing the end of school, I have felt a stirring that I am not living out on my faith. Looking back on the past few years the last time I felt truly passionate about something was when I was preparing to go to Honduras and doing Living Water work. I keep praying God to guide my steps and help me follow my faith (though I am not sure what that looks like). I would like the freedom to explore this idea more...Probably not full time ministries, but being open to trips and opportunities.  

In Honduras at the well sight

From outside thesis cave: When I was meeting with my advisor she said for my historiography (as analogy) "I need to stop eating the cookies and think about how they were made." I started laughing because it reminded me of the FRIENDS episode where Monica is trying to discover Phoebe's Grandmother's secret recipe of chocolate chip cookies. That is what a Historiography is... it breaks down past research, the way research was done, and how research on my topic has changed or progressed. 

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That's all for now... back to thesis cave.