A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes

The title comes from one of my favorite Disney cartoons Cinderella but this little free write comes from my office's quote of the week.

Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.
-Leon J. Suenes.

When I read this I thought...What are my dreams?
The dream I am pursing right now is getting my Masters in Library Science and Masters in History. I guess physically the government is paying for it but I will be paying them back soon. But I guess in some ways I am paying for it. At least my body and brain are. Summer class hasn’t been so bad but spring was hard taking two classes and working full time come May I was wiped out. I was tired, I was mentally exhausted and I was always on the brink of tears (because of mental exhaustion). I guess that’s part of the price you pay.

Another dream I am living out is living in Boston. It has become my life but I remember when it was my dream. When I was younger I wanted to be a writer, I still do, but I thought working for movies. I was thinking about the dress I would wear when I hit the red carpet for my night at the Oscars. So I dreamed of going to UCLA or UCSB (University of California in Santa Barbra). I told then I would move to New York. Well my mom gave me some good advice “if you want to live on the east coast you should look at east coast schools”(okay that might be paraphrasing). So I did look at east coast schools. I begged my mom to buy Baron’s Profile of American Colleges and we can begin scouring colleges every where from Boston to Virginia. I thought about schools in New York but the city seemed too big too scary. Then my mom came to Boston during the 2004 play offs against the Yankees, I am not sure if was the excitement that filled the air because of that or what but I fell in love with the city. I looked at a few schools in Connecticut but Boston had captured my heart. So I applied to Simmons and Suffolk in Boston and my mom made me apply to Quinnipiac in Connecticut just in case but I wanted Simmons first and Suffolk second. I got into Suffolk (however I am going to Simmons now for grad school) and loved the idea of moving to the city, during my second visit to Boston I told my mom I was going to tie my self to a park bench so I wouldn’t have to leave. And in March I started a count down till I moved to Boston. I even wrote a persuasive speech to convince the students in my English class to move to Boston and for months it was all I talked about. So it was a big dream of mine to move to Boston and I have loved it for the most part. But I guess I pay for it, when I am lonely and miss my family. I pay for it because I don’t get to see my niece and nephew grow up as much I would like and there are moments I pay for it when I wish I could still climb into my mom or dad’s lap and cry on their shoulders. I cry over the phone but its not the same. But I guess those are just facts of life and I have to remember sometimes the dream of living here are worth the loses.

Okay that took a sad turn, I didn’t mean for this free write to be sad.

On the up side there are still dreams I still have yet to accomplish. I have two really big dreams one to become an author but I know I would not feel my life wasn’t complete if I wasn’t a wife and a mother. As a single girl I love thinking about being the stay at home wife who has dinner on the table when her husband comes home and I also like watching my married friends and learning from them what it is to be a good wife. There is a really funny quote from Gilmore Girls where Emily, the grandmother, describes her life as a canoe she is rowing a long and so his her husband and through each doing their own job they are making life work out. If you know the show this quote seems completely out of place for the character Emily but I like the idea of being a canoe. Right now I am more what Emily would describe a kayak. I know there are deeper things to describe how a marriage should be than a canoe but I like the image a lot. In that I also dream of being a mom. It might be a miss quote but in the movie The Perfect Score, Scarlett Johansson character describes the type of mom she wants to be one who doesn’t care about the title on her business card but being an actual mom (okay random quotes stick in my head). I see that as a way I would want to be and I love the real life examples I get from my sister, and the moms at my church I have gotten to know. That’s my biggest dream to be a wife and a mother and while I am still enjoying my single life it is something I look forward to and pray about.

I guess the next dream I have is to be an author. Which is why I started this blog, to keep me motivated about writing. I have written stories ever since I was little. The first journal I remember having my best friend in elementary school gave me, it was peach colored with a precious moments doll on the cover. The only problem is though I dream about stories I have yet to finish one. I also have a big problem with showing people my work. I am not a good speller and punctuation is not my strong point I am known for my run on sentences. And until this blog, though I would read my stories to my mom, I didn’t like people reading them. I am sure my younger sister does not remember this but one time we were at my brother’s soccer game and I let her read a story of mine and all she did was point out my spelling errors since then I didn’t like people reading my stories. I know when most people do things creatively they pour themselves into it and they expose themselves to vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable but if I want to be published I guess I will have to face people not liking my work.

More thoughts from A Hopeful Romantic

“Look, in my opinion, the best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person is still going to think the sun shines out your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with.”

I like this quote from the movie Juno and as a single woman I guess that’s still what I am looking for. I am looking for some one who will love me no matter what. I like the way Carrie Bradshaw said it in Sex and the City show “I'm someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient,consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love.”

But lately I have wondered if my pursuit of love is actually wise. I have fallen into a pit many times I meet a guy we talk and I find out he is a christian and he is cute and I start to imagine myself in a relationship with him. I say “its just hard being single.” I am sure many single christian girls can relate, we see people in relationships and it just seems great and we want that. We want to be in a relationship and we want to get married. I also know as a girl we are told to let the guy pursue us so why we wait for the guy to pursue us we read christian dating book, articles on line, pray that the Lord will bring a guy in our lives, and probably the thing we do most is we talk to our girl friends not understanding why are still single. I am not writing that I have an answer I just know it has to be on God’s timing. And while God’s timing is perfect we often hate waiting for it. Then we get handed article that make it seem like if we did these 5 things we will get married and as my much wiser friend (who is married) is reminding me its not a formula its not A+B+C=husband. While that would be nice I know it doesn’t work that way. So I don’t have an answer to the “why I am still single?” question. If I did I would write a book and become a millionaire.

The only thing I can say is from experience and what my wiser friends have taught me. 1) Pray for your future husband, I like to write my prayers out and one day I can’t wait to show him all the prayers I prayed for him. 2) Don’t look at a Christian guy as a potential mate look at him as a brother in Christ (having this mind set as really helped me have long friendship with guys I look to as a brother). 3) Don’t make your pursuit of a relationship above all else. This is the reason I write this article. I am the first to admit it I watch sappy romance movies and read novels with a romantic plot line from Jane Austen to Jennifer Donnelly and Lori Wick ( I won’t say romance novels because that makes me think of novels in the grocery store that have men showing their chest and half naked women...these I won’t read). I have read the books“I kissed dating goodbye,” and “Boy meets girl” (both spoke to me in the time) I have also read “Captivating” and “Boundaries in Dating.” So I feel well read on both the secular and Christian side of dating. But that’s not the point. I am just saying with all that reading and watching that I would be ready for love. But deep down if I think about it I am not (no matter how badly I want to be). I am not ready because I put that pursuit as a first priority in my life. I mean I go to work and school, I am not just spending all day at a singles bar looking for a mate but mentally I do (even in writing this). I some times feel if I was in a relationship I would feel complete and that’s ridiculous. Mostly because any one who I date would be flawed and how can I expect a flawed person complete me, the only one who can complete me is the one who is un-flawed. And there is only one who fits that description. And right now I need to focus on following His will and doing what he says. And one day if He wants to He will bring a man into my life. I look forward to that day. But I first I need to put my completion in what He says and how He thinks and not in an idea of a relationship. So my advice to other single girls while you might feel your life will be complete as soon as you get a ring on your finger it won’t and it has taken me a while to admit that to myself. And even harder for me to live in that mindset. But I keep praying every time I feel I am close to that pit fall.

I am not even sure I am right in my thinking or how things will turn out. I will keep you posted.

So while I am still a very hopeful romantic I am in the waiting phase of life and while I wait I am going to try to do “Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need” (Matthew 6:33 NLT). And in this I will hand over my love life to the Lord and know he will guide me in the ways he want me to live. I will rest in these verses...

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope...” Jer. 29:11.

I am not writing as if I have the answers, I don’t I just have a clue into how my life should be.

More personal blogs from me From a Hopeful Romantic and A Casual Gaze .

An Afternoon Tea (Part 2)...A little long

Read An Afternoon Tea (Part 1) first

en and his mother were id some one who saw all the burdens she carried trying to care for her family her heart. Maybe John Melbourne could be this guy.
“Mother, where is Emmy?”


“I suspect where she always is on days this nice down by the creek.”


“Mother how can you let her run wild so.”


“I really didn’t let her. She snuck out before I woke up.”


“But she is going to show up probably soaked her dress all messed up and her hair a shambled.”

“What would that matter?” Fiona asked her daughter who was fidgeting.

“Do you know how bad it would look to have Emmy tramping in here covered in mud or other things.”

“I am sure John Melbourne will never ever notice when you are looking so pretty today.”


“But I can’t have them thinking we are indigenous people.”

Fiona laughed at the thought, “show them the six parlors or the library or the manicured gardens, I am sure no one thinks us as indigenous.”


“This isn’t funny.”

“I know Laurel,” Fiona patted Laurel’s hand. It was a pat that told her everything was going to be okay.


“Mother, how can you be so calm, the Melbournes are upon us and it is so important that we all make a good impression .”

“My darling you have been classically trained to make good impression.”


“What does that mean?”

“Just that I can’t ever imagine you make a bad impression you are so mindful of everything,
every one and all the rules of society.”

“I hope you mean that as a compliment,” Laurel a little befuddled by what Fiona had said.


“I do, I do of course I do,” Fiona couldn’t believe that her daughter would take it any other way.

“You are so good Laurel.”

“Thank you, I just hope I am good enough.”

“Good enough? Good enough for what?”

Then Laurel thought about what she had said and quickly knew how ever she answered it would take too much to explain. But what she thought was good enough for an advantageous marriage or really any marriage.

“Oh never mind,” she said rearranged the tea set moving the sugar bowl towards where Mrs. Melbourne would sit knowing how she liked her tea sweeter than most.
“It will be fine,” Fiona said as she watched her daughter and fidget and adjust her dress yet again.

She felt certain then that Lauren did like Mr. John Melbourne. She remembered all the time she knew she was going to see Jefferson that would fidget and arrange herself a lot. She felt every girl must do this to make themselves perfect in front of the boys they swooned over. So she took Laurel’s fidgeting as a good sign.


“Mrs. Melbourne and her son Mr. John Melbourne are here,” Thomas announced.


“Thank you Thomas,” Fiona said “Bring them in.” Then turned to Laurel “ Now dear I know you want to look your best so you must stop fidgeting.”

“Yes mother.”


“And whatever happens do not worry I am sure John Melbourne can see your beautiful perfection.”

“Dear Mrs. Melbourne we are so pleased to have you here,” Fiona said when her guest
came in.


“No, no we are pleased to be invited. Your mother’s home is always a sight to be held. Does Mrs. Danford join us?”


“I am afraid her health is too ill.”

“That must be a real heart ache and burden. I am sure with such a beauty as Laurel you would want to take her into town and show her off to the big cities like Boston, New York, or even Philadelphia. But I must say I am sure our local boys are pleased you have not take her a way,” 
Mrs. Melbourne said with a wink to her son and a chuckle to the rest.

Laurel noticed John rolling his eyes and the slightly annoyed look. But she tried not to let it affect her. It was also the first time Laurel noticed John pudgy cheeks and old fashioned side burns. But Laurel would not let those qualities turn her away from him. He would be a good provider, she could never see him raising his voice, and he could spare some money so she could take care of her sisters. These qualities had to be more important Laurel thought.

“And where are your younger daughters they are both such a delight.”


“Emmy enjoys taking long walks on days so fine as this but she should be a long shortly. She would be disappointed to miss your company.”

“Oh to have such youth. If I was Miss Emmy’s age I would probably be climbing as many rocks and hills as possible. But I feel I am not destined to use this blasted cane to even walk around my house.”


Laurel could hardly imagine Mrs. Melbourne climbing rocks. To her Mrs. Melbourne was
always sixty and always a high class woman who wouldn’t dare have her petticoats touch dirt.

While Laurel tried to imagine this Fiona was telling Mrs. Melbourne that Gloria was still in school and while it was Tuesday she will have piano lessons till almost five. Then Mrs. Melbourne asked if Gloria was as good at the instrument as Fiona was and it was these word that pulled Laurel out of climbing on rocks.


“Perhaps she will be, she has good ear much like Laurel and diligence in practice.”

“Oh my goodness I completely forgot that Laurel played,” she turned to Laurel. “Before we leave you must play I insist. A young girl always looks more beautiful behind an instrument. Don’t you think John?”


“I don’t know,” John said closing his pocket watch.

“Oh John, you lie you were just telling me yesterday about how you liked to watch people play.”

Laurel could tell Mr. John Melbourne had no interest in this tea. They sat through another twenty minutes of Fiona’s and Mrs. Melbourne’s small talk all while not saying anything to each other and Mrs. Melbourne trying to get John to smile or blush. But John paid no interest to Laurel or any body. It had all been a mistake, Laurel had thought since they had together at the Carmichael's party he had some interest in her but now replaying the whole scene she saw it for how it really was.


Laurel had been arm and arm with her friend Amelia who none would agree Laurel was the beauty of the two some but Amelia definitely had a way of charming the gentlemen. She had charmed one in particular Robert Engels who wanted to dance with Amelia but Amelia being a good friend would not dance with anyone if Laurel did not dance.

“Come on Melbourne, Laurel is beautiful,” Robert Engels said.

“With no prospect how can you expect me to spend any time with her.”

“Just one dance, I need to hold Amelia.”


“That is not a need, honestly Robert what has gotten into you.”

“You are a stodgy old man. Once dance is not a marriage proposal.”

“To us its not, to girls you dance with them once and they start planning their wedding.”

“I doubt it. Laurel Cromwell is far too conventional to have any romantic ideals,” Robert Engels put on pathetic eyes.


“All right,” John said with a huff and taking a swig of his brandy.

“You could try a little harder to have some fun.”

Now Laurel sitting in the parlor that afternoon could tell the mistake she had made and everything she had built up in her head. No man had really given any attention to her and she had almost lost all her common sense when a man danced one dance with her. It was ridiculous she thought, and now wished that the whole thing had never happened. She tried to quickly think of a way for the Melbourne’s to leave quickly but polite society would never allow a host to shoo a way her guest not unless some medical emergency had arisen. Maybe she could pass out, Miss Pembers had pulled her corset a little too tight this morning. Maybe in Emmy’s foolish ways of going out exploring she would trip and sprain her ankle. At least then she could be excused to check up on Emmy. But none of that happened and soon Emmy was in the parlor with them. Miss Pembers had made sure no one saw Emmy before her shoes were on and her hair had been pulled up in a some what modest way so she wasn’t an embarrassment.

“Why Miss Emmy, you look prettier every day, that fresh air must do you some good,” Mrs. Melbourne said.

No one ever compliments Emmy’s looks and she knew it would be polite to be humble and blush as Laurel would do she gushed with thanks.
“Earlier we were talking about Laurel playing the piano, do you play Miss Emmy?” Mrs. Melbourne asked.

“Hardly?” Emmy said with a snicker.

“She is not as good as Laurel but mother insist all the girls learn the piano,” Fiona said
quickly to cover Emmy’s snicker.

“I guess your talents are better off at story telling. Do you have any new stories?”

“Just some ideas for now, nature is so inspiring,” Emmy excitedly.


“I quite agree,” Mrs. Melbourne said.

Laurel and Emmy hardly had the same thought at the same time but just then they were both thinking that they couldn't see Mrs. Melbourne as finding nature inspiring.

Eventually the party broke up Mrs. Melbourne promised to hose them to tea one day and wished that Mrs. Danford will feel better soon. Laurel tried to pretend that another tea would be wonderful but saw no acting coming from John Melbourne, just another look at his pocket watch.

"I do not know what is to become of us?" Laurel said when the Melbournes were in their new automobile and half way down the drive. "I could see now Mr. John Melbourne had not attention for me or any other girl for that matter. He is far too consumed with the workings of that pocket watch."



Emmy wanted to shout out "here, here."



"It is one tea, my dear things will go better as time goes on. Not every man has to be a suitor."



"If stodgy Mr. John Melbourne is not interested in me who will be?"



"Patience dear," Fiona patted her had but Laurel was too upset and stormed back into the house.

Soon Emmy and her mother could hear Laurel playing the piano, a good source of diversion for her.



"Surely Laurel did not seek a lover out of Mr. John Melbourne?"



"Emmy, that is no way for a lady to talk."



"But Melbourne is even more rigid than Laurel. He probably doesn't even know what romance is or have any idea on how to court a lady properly. He would probably treat any horse in his stable better than his wife. Surely that can not be for Laurel."



"You forget Emmy, Laurel doesn't care about romance like you she is much more logical and sadly she placed a large burden on herself. I fear she will lose her heart to any man who is able to remove that burden."



"What burden?"



"Us," Fiona said in a sad tone." As much as I wish she were Laurel is not blind to our situation in life and she has taken it it upon herself to fix it. Unfortunately a girl of mild breeding can only look towards marriage to improve her families condition."



"Poor Laurel," Emmy sighed seeing a more truer look at her sister than she had ever seen.



"She will have a true sacrifice," Fiona thought but did not say as she did not want to burden her younger daughter with the same load that Laurel carried.



Even if she had Emmy was already lost in a day dream and probably could not hear Fiona at all."One to give up true love for the great good is what heroes and heroines are made of. Perhaps she will be lucky to find both true love and a man with a deep pocket book." Her mother laughed at Emmy's simplistic ideals "and if not I will publish my stories and live off my pen."



"Oh Emmy I do love your dreams."



Fortunately by the end of the week no one mentioned the name Melbourne expect for the polite thank you note that was delivered the next day but no follow up invitation was made. Also by the end of the week Fiona's brother Charles wrote announcing he and his family's plans to visit before the month was out and he thought his family would probably stay the entire summer. Fiona knew having family come would brighten Laurel's day and would keep the house hold busy preparing for their visit.

An Afternoon Tea (Part 1)

I know it's been awhile since I posted about my story but I have been working on it so here is some more... If you need to catch up go to My Story Begins and Continuation of the Story

Hope you like and enjoy...

It was in these woods Miss Pembers knew to look for Emmy when the household was expecting Mrs. Melbourne and her eligible son Mr. Melbourne for tea.

“Miss Emmy you have been outside long enough it is time for tea and your mother insist you come outside.”

“I don’t want to be involved in anything where Laurel throws herself at the boring man Mr. Melbourne is.”

“I seriously doubt Miss Laurel will throw herself at anyone, it would be in-proper and your sister has a higher sense of propriety then anyone I know. Now come or I shall send Helena to get you.”

Helena was Grandma Danford’s cook who had no problem disciplining the girls into good behavior with a wooden spoon, Emmy suffered the worst for it. She was hardly the a model of good behavior from her unkempt hair, dirty finger nails and stockings something covered in mud. Mother would only allow Helena to give Emmy one or two hits but Emmy still felt the blows to be fatal. With the threat of Helena’s wooden spoon Emmy climbed down from her rock and dusted herself off before presenting herself to Miss Pembers.


“And where are your shoes.”

“One can hardly climb with those little boots on, I would slip and break my neck.”

“Your Grandmother would break you neck knowing you walked outside barefoot. It is a good thing you have yet to wear long dresses you would ruin all of the with your childish ways.”


“I am not a child.”

“Well you are certainly not acting like a girl of sixteen. Playing in the woods, day dreaming and losing yourself in your world of make believe.”

“I like my world it is more interesting then this world.”


“Hush your mouth. You have all beauty and luxury around you. You are lucky to have such a fortunate family. There are girls in orphanages who dream of having what you have.”


Emmy wanted to remind Miss Pembers that none of the beauty and luxury was hers to do with what she would. If it was she would sale everything and explore the world. It all belonged to her Grandma and then it would go to uncle and the girls would receive nothing. She wanted to remind Miss Pembers of all that but know when Miss Pembers let her Irish accent slop she was about to let her hot temp out. So Emmy kept her mouth shut.


It was the fact that the girls were penniless that made the Melbourne’s visit more important. The Melbourne fortune was nothing compared to the Danfords but they had always had a comfortable life working in timber. It would be enough money, Laurel considered, to keep her mother and sisters living well. That was most important to Laurel and it pressed against her heart to make sure she could provide for her mother and sisters. The Melbournes were well-heeled and would advance well into society having a connection with the Danford name even if no finical gain would be made in the match. The Danford connection was the only card Laurel felt she had and she had to use it well. No one in the family, least of all Emmy could believe when Laurel spoke so kindly of dreary old Mr. John Melbourne and everyone was surprised when she insisted that he and his mother be invited over for tea at their earliest convenience. It all seemed quite unannounced, but the Melbourne’s graciously accepted the invitation and the two mothers arranged a time for the tea.


“Why do we have to have tea with the Melbournes?” Emmy asked her mother the day before.


“Your sister has taken an interest in John Melbourne.”

“You must be joking. How could anyone take interest in dreary, dull, dumpy John Melbourme,” Emmy couldn’t think of any other words to keep the alliteration going.

“That might be but Laurel must see more to him then we can.”


Emmy doubted it. How could anyone see anything of interest in John Melbourne aman who had two love, his horsed and collecting pocket watches from the early nineteenth century. Those two items was all he talked about and both in a monotone style that aroused nothing minus the amount of the yawns. Emmy had to yet to understand that sometimes the wants of the heart must be drowned by the demands of the pocket book. She had read about Mr. Willoughby sacrificing Marrianne to stay wealthy but anything would happen in real life. How could one give up the woman or man they truly loved just to stay in well a off condition. It seemed inconceivable to her. The matters of the heart should always take precedence.

Fiona hoped Emmy would always keep up her ideals and did not want to tell her real reason Laurel had found interest in John Melbourne was his financial status. She also hoped her thinking was false and that Laurel actually did like John Melbourne for reasons she herself did not know. Fiona knew Laurel felt a stronger burden for her family than her younger sisters.Laurel had always been more aware of the world around her and being older understood the hardship her parents faced in her in her father’s final days and the months that followed his death. Laurel was also aware that though they lived in a fine house they had hardly had the funds to keep it going with out the generosity of their Grandmother and once Grandma Cornelia passed away it would end their fortunes. Though Fiona knew that Laurel was aware of all this she did not know Laurel had over heard a conversation eight years ago when they first moved in.

“What would you have me do mother, let my children and I beg for our meals”

“I told you this would happen Fiona. I told you he was not fit. And when I think how you could have had Alfred Dumont and now he is married to your friend Iris who is barren and you have three girls and no money.”

“I did not love Alfred,” Laurel recognized the tone from mother it was stern but not raised.

“Love has brought you here penniless, begging for charity from your family. That must make you feel wonderful.”

“I thought my family would accept me but if you would like I could return to Boston and end my days as a poor maid, your granddaughters being forced to clean homes or worse sale flowers on the street corners. But how would that look having Danford blood in such ruined conditions. Rather you like it or not my girls and I are Danford blood and how we survive still reflect on you and Charles.”

“You would drag your respectable brother and family down.”

“I will do whatever it takes to make sure my girls will make sure my girls will never go hungry and have a good education,” Laurel had never heard her mother speak in such a sharp but almost unfeeling way.

“Well then I hope your girls marry well so you might gain good fortune that way.”

“I hope they follow their hearts,” Fiona wanted to say but didn’t because she knew that would be too unkind.

To the world it had looked as if Cornelia Danford had shown great charity in taking in her poor daughter and three granddaughters. To Pine Haven it looked as if Cornelia treated her daughter and granddaughters as if nothing had happened and all of Fiona’s past actions had been wiped clean but there would always be three people Laurel, Fiona, and Cornelia who knew absolute truth.

Read An Afternoon Tea (Part 2)