Letting go of the "but"

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Hello Lovely Readers,

A few hours ago I got back from a wonderful retreat and I come back with one BIG take away. I have written many times on this blog that I have wanted to be a wife and mother but that feels very  far away from distant from me. For awhile I walked around a little depressed because I thought if that is the purpose of my life why is it not happening. Then I wondered is this really God's desire? So I began praying "Lord please change my desires if they are not yours" quickly followed by "but I really want to be a wife and mother." Up until this weekend I thought this was a good prayer. I mean I couldn't lie to God and pretend that I didn't want my desires but I knew His desires were more important so I thought this prayer was a good compromise. 

This weekend during one of my prayer times I wrote...

Dear Lord, 

I don't know why I am sulking over the thing I don't have. Lord as much as I want to be a wife and mother I am not there yet, I am not sure when (or if) it will happen. Lord I am fine being single but I feel I am missing something. Lord I know you are he only one that can fill that spot. So Lord I to change me. Search me and find what I need to change. Lord if marriage and motherhood is not your desire please change my desires, not but this time. 

Match my desires to yours. I know day in and day out I know may not work will perfectly, but at the end of the day I want your desires to be mine. So Lord what you desire in my life? 

You know my heart, you know brain, I don't need to list what I want, you know that. So Lord help my wants line up to your wants.

Then this morning I wrote...

I am sick of that feeling where I am missing something. Lord it is just not true. I need to cling to the knowledge you (Lord) have given me all I need. There might be more I want but Lord if those wants line up with your wants then I know they will work out in your timing. But Lord right now I need to cling to the knowledge you are providing everything I need. 

...

Lord you know all my wants and desires, you them all. I have spent countless hours, and 100s of pages tell you what I want. I feel that is selfish because I have never once asked you what do you truly want in my life. I have never asked what you desire. So Lord what do you want in my life? What do you desire?

I then sat quietly and waited for a bit. While, it would have been cool/weird if God spoke in that moment and told me what he wanted; that didn't happen. This will be a continuous on going prayer. However, I think it is the first step in actually getting to the heart of what God desires. When I not only verbally let go of the clause and actually let go of it (in my heart and mind) then God will direct me to where he wants me. So right now I am letting go of the "but". 

let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith,

having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience

and having our bodies washed with pure water. 

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess,

for he who promised is faithful. 

-Hebrews 10:22-23 (NIV)

View from the home of our retreat. 

Video from Honduras

A short video my church put together to show during our service. 

A good overview of the trip.

More will come, I just got my photos back and I am writing a long post with pictures. 

Shove comes to push

Our wonderful leader Emmilio while we were in Honduras speaks English and Spanish but once he messed up on the phase when "push comes to shove" and said when "shove comes to push." That became our catch phrase for the week. 

But when shove comes to push you must depend on God. When I moved to Boston I felt this huge  dependency on God because I knew no one, I didn't have a church and I will still new in my faith. However now it is seven years later I have lots of friends, a wonderful church family to depend on.   This week I was really dependent on God. I know we are dependent on God for waking us up each morning and for giving us all we had but it is way different knowing this and feeling. Don't worry I was never in a life and death situation down there I just had reminders of my dependency on God.

We were dependent on God for the water. One question we were not allowed to ask was "what if there is no water?" We knew there was water; there was some technical survey that had been done before hand; also if you looked up all you saw were trees; and it there wasn't water in that spot Living Water would just find another spot to drill in. But we had some problems with the machinery. Some one on the drilling team will have to explain it to me better. But our machinery broke a few times and we hit rock we couldn't drill through. So we kept praying for water and by Wednesday after noon we had water (pic above). 

Also on Wednesday we did have a pretty intense moment. It could have been scary but God kept us safe! On Wednesday afternoon we were told we were going to have to leave the school early because their was a strike at the border. (Our school was in one district and our hotel in another district so we had to cross a border). They wanted us to cross the border before the strike go worse. So the original plan was Roberto, a driller, was going to drop us off at the border and then we were going to meet Emmilio on the other side. Well the strike grew worse into a riot so we could no longer safely cross the border. At first we thought we could sneak around it but that was no longer an option after awhile. Well at first we heard a practical joke that because of the riot we were going to have to stay the night in the school. But eventually we settled on going back to the hotel we had been staying at on Saturday night. It was pretty nice hotel and we got a nice hot shower and got to eat delicious pineapple. Maybe if we had been able to leave the school earlier we might have gotten stuck in the riot, then it could have been a life and death situation. But God kept us safe. 

So when shove comes to push depend on God.  

Reflection from Honduras

Me holding a Honduran baby... made my day.

Do you notice the coconuts?

Hey lovely readers,

I am still doing reflection on my trip to Honduras. I am also still waiting for my old school film to be developed but my friend took this picture of me and this Honduran baby. 

If you know me, you know I LOVE children so worked on the Hygiene team as a part of our trip. This means I was teaching children about healthiness: proper nutrition; how to treat diarrhea; how to wash hands properly; brushing teeth; and how to use the pump properly (picture in last post of pump). Then we did bible lessons. We taught two classes in the morning for younger kids and then two classes in the afternoon for the older children. Also we played hop scotch and did jump rope with the kids. I attempted soccer or futbol but I stunk. The younger kids, first to sixth grade, really touched my heart and working/playing with them really brought a joy to my heart 

One afternoon when machinery was broken our "tour guide" and translator took us on the tour of the village. (I promise I will have pictures.) In the village we saw a mix of houses some were nice-meaning 50% of homes had water, probably no electricity, and no A/C- and a few were mud huts. 

At the house in the picture, this guy had coconuts and he noticed us admiring them and he offered some of them to us and would take no money for it. Then I was admiring his little boy and his wife just came up to me and put him in his arms. Then as we were leaving the grandma offered us oranges. They were so generous.

On our last day all the little kids gave us hugs and kisses. Then at the dedication ceremony the little girls wanted to be close to me (picture in last post). I made an impromptu speech about how their faces will live in my memory forever and one little girl shouted "ours too (in Spanish)." I knew that when I was going down there I was there to serve them and but I felt they blessed me so much more. They opened their hearts to us and even though we were only there for a week I felt how much they loved us. I was so blessed by their love.

I was really touched in how much they gave and how loving they were. That is one thing I want to bring back with me now that I am in the states.

Love you all.