Hopeful Thursday

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Outside my quiet time I am reading verses that have the word hope in them... here is the first verse...

No one whose hope is you

will ever be put to shame, 

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous with out cause.

-Psalm 25:3

For all of Psalm 25 click here

Things I'm afraid to tell you

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The idea for this post was originally inspired by this blogging trend that went around a few weeks ago. I found it through one of my favorite bloggers Sarah at Well and Cheaply  she found it through another blogger Creature Comforts the idea behind these post are for bloggers to become more vulnerable "in an effort to make the bigger blogging community a better place" to read more click here.  I started writing this post but I felt like all I was doing was whining so I never published it. But now I am more inspired by a series my church is doing called Undone for those messages click here. I have been thinking lately a lot about things that have been holding me back in my life and in my faith. On Monday after my quiet time I wrote this poem... it is still in its infancy phase but I wanted to share it.*

I hear a voice

I know it well

   it tells me over and over

I am unworthy

I am unable to be loved

and when I look in the mirror

   it tells me 

I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me

   than a friend

and been around me 

   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 

   admit defeat

and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 

  can see these failings

I hope today my mask

  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong

   I pick myself up

and tell the voice "no"

  I am worthy

  I am loved

  and I will prove it. 

So I do my best

   on my own 

   to fight against it

   but I fail.

I hear the voice

I know it well.

It mocks me for trying

it points out my scars

   and my pain

it points out the wrongs 

   I commit 

   and how I will always keep failing.

Because of these

it tells me over and over 

I am unworthy 

I am unable to be loved 

and when I look in the mirror

    it tells me

I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 

    of goodness 

always adjusting it 

so people see 

what they want to see. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want

because who loves a girl 

   who curls up in bed and cries

who loves a girl that is 

   falling apart

   lonely,

   and scared. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want. 

But I hear a voice 

    and I know it well

a voice that is quick to cut

a voice that is louder than all others 

and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it

bury my head in shame

admit defeat

and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit

but there I hear a whisper 

it is very soft

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"

I tell the whisper.

But it repeats

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

I open my eyes

see nothing there

so I doubt its existence.

"My child","my love"

"I am here for you

in darkness to be your light,

to be your hope

when you feel hopeless,

and to be your strength 

when you can't pick yourself up.

Remain in me 

and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 

the voice softens 

when I concentrate on that whisper

the shame of my failings 

    go away

and when I take in that whisper 

I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there

always quick to cut

and some times louder 

   than a battle cry.

But so is the whisper

it remains too.

I have to listen harder

  to hear it 

  but it is there

it calls to me over and over again.

"My child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation"

"I am here for you

I am here with you

   and I love you." 

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* to my mom I know you read my post sometimes and worry about me please don't worry I am clinging to the whisper.

A tune for Tuesday

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I don't remember when I first listened to The Civil Wars but since then I have been in love with them. Their voices beautifully blend together making some great music. Most of there music makes me want to curl up with a good cup of coffee and let the world melt away. When I was trying to find music for this post I came across this song on YouTube that I had never heard before. Their music is so simple but yet not and like most of their songs this song captured me. Hope you enjoy.

Song: I've got this friend

by: The Civil Wars

Lyrics found at lyricsty.com

I've got this friend
I don't think you know him
He's not much for words
He's hidden his heart away

Oh I've got this friend
A loveless romantic
All that he really wants
Is someone to want him back

Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, If the right one came, along

I've got this friend
I don't think you know her
She sings a simple song
It sounds a lot like his
[ Lyrics from: http://wwwlyricsty.com/the-civil-wars-ive-got-this-friend-lyrics.html ]
Oh I've got this friend
Holding onto her heart
Like it's a little secret
Like it's all she's got to give

Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, if the right one came, along

It'd be such a shame
(If they never meet)
She sounds lovely
(He sounds right out of a dream)
If only
(If only)
If only

Ohh
Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, (I've got this friend) if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, (I've got this friend)
If the right one came, along

Our Heroines

I can't believe it I have just passed 100 pages in typing my story... whoa that feels huge! In my post on Friday I mentioned how I feel ashamed about my writing because I have never finished a story. Well I have never gotten this far in a story either and it feels like I am making this huge step in my writing life. I hope you will  check out my full post on my other blog Sisters of Pine Haven having this space and my lovely readers has really kept me going in my story so thank you so much.

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If the heroine of this story was Kathryn James this would be a lovely end but heroines of this story sat in the third row of the church on grooms side, though in reality Emmy felt closer to Kathryn her own cousin. She took in all the beauty of the day and made sure to take active mental notes so she could write back to her mother in full detail. The ceremony was traditional, nothing to go into great detail about. Kathryn and Nicholas had five attendants on both side. Kathryn didn't have any sisters so her cousins and two friends schools stood to her side wearing matching crimson dresses, to complement the autumn colors and holding a smaller bouquet of white roses much like Kathryn's. Nicholas had Ethan Foster, Caleb James and three other friends standing next to him wearing their finest morning suits in a very traditional manor with tails.

            After the wedding Victoria Danford untraditionally threw a luncheon for the couple with the family and close friends. Even though it was just a luncheon it was a very formal meal with multiple courses. In very modern fashion Victoria served French cuisine that had become popular to serve all over Europe and the finest families in America. The newlyweds stayed through the meal then took off to train station. Kathryn told Emmy that they would go to New York than take a cruise line over to Italy and they planned to stay there at least till spring. Kathryn had never been to Italy and gushed over everything she wanted to see while they were there. Emmy was happy for Kathryn but was a little jealous as she had never been anywhere and wished she could be going to Europe. Once the couple left the party started to break up but Victoria insisted that the Cromwell girls stay around. She felt guilty that they spent so little time together after all they were family. Emmy rolled her eyes at the idea of family obligation.

            "I can stay if you like?" Brandon said seeing Emmy rolling her eyes.

            "Oh no Mrs. James you are too kind."

            " It is no problem I want to be useful to you."

            "Thank you Mrs. James."

            Emmy took a look around the room and did not see Caleb who she really wanted to see.

            "Are you all right?" Brandon asked noticing Emmy looked distracted.

            "Yes, fine I was just wondering where your brother is?"

            "He told me he had to go back to his mother's house to get some work done. Work on his sister's wedding day can you imagine?"

            "He must be very busy."

            Brandon could tell Emmy was still in love with Caleb just in the tone of her voice.

            "Yes his business keeps him quite occupied. Excuse me, Miss Emmy, I see Mrs. James waiving at me, she might want to leave."

            "Of course it has been a long day."

            Mrs. James did not really waive him over but he had to walk away. He could not see why Emmy still loved his brother when he has been nothing but cold to her since he left Pine Haven. Brandon had done everything he could think of to show Emmy how much he cared but she only had eyes for Caleb. That Monday Brandon went to the Ambassador to make plans to go back to England. But for today he left making his apologies to the hostess and Mrs. James but said nothing to Emmy.

            Laurel did not have a grand time at the luncheon either. Ethan Foster kept his distance, she tried to talk to him but he kept getting flustered. They used to talk for hours together now though she could not think of what to say leading to some awkward silent moments. Then he left the party shortly after Nicholas and Kathryn left. She wanted to leave then too and hated that there was family obligation to stay because Aunt Victoria felt guilty.

            The party was hardly a success for our heroines and with that in mind they would never have expect the following events. However without these events the story would not exist.

To read more click here

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Baking Blaire

I dedicate this post to my roommate.

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As much as I pretend to one day be a baker... I don't bake, which is sad because I have a pinterest board dedicated to all the things I would like to make. I call it "Culinary School here I come". But I am not really a baker a good example of this I bought a cake mix box and it said 3 tablespoons of oil, I had to call my step-mom to ask what kind of oil they meant... I mean a baker doesn't have to ask they just know. 

Sometimes this is how I feel about cooking/baking...

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Any way the reason I am baking and the reason I dedicate this post to my roommate is because I have eggs in the house. If you know me, you know I HATE eggs, so I never buy them, but my roommate who has gone back home for 3 weeks left me eggs and told me I should use them... great what am I going to do with eggs,  I thought, then I thought "oooohhhh I can bake". So I went to my grocery store after work and grabbed a coffee cake mix box. (I guess a baker wouldn't grab a cake mix box.) But at the bottom of the normal recipe there was a recipe for "Cinnamon Apple Snack Cake" well I did my own twist to that 1 on accident but 3 on purpose.

pre-baking getting ingredients 

1 package of Pillsbury® Quick Bread Cinnamon Swirl

1/2 cup sour cream- accident 1 didn't see that this was an ingredient until I was mixing so I use 3 table spoons of oil that original recipe called for.

1/3 cup of water.

2 eggs

1 cup apple, peeled, chopped- twist I am not a big apple fan... I mean I didn't even like apple pie till  a few years ago so I used pears. (I love pears)

1/2 cup chopped nuts...twist- I still had pecans from my Pecan Pies so I used those. 

Twist- Also I really loved cinnamon so I used some scattered on top of the first layer. 

So here I go baking. I don't want to break any laws so I am not going to post all the instructions but they are on the box. 

1. Pour about 1/2 of cake batter ( about 1 1/4 cups) for me it was a little bit more.

2. Sprinkle the cup of the chopped pears. 

3.Sprinkle the chopped nut. Since I used pecans I didn't need to chop them pecans easily break apart, so don't waste time on the cutting board with them... it makes a bigger mess.

4. My Twist- Shake some Cinnamon on top of the pears and pecans.

5. Sprinkle 3/4 of the crumble on top of all this.

6. Pour rest of cake batter on top of all of this. Spread carefully to cover.

7. Sprinkle rest of crumble and pecans on top.

8. Bake at 350°F for 50 to 60 minutes. I have a really small oven and it cooks quicker than recipes usually state so I cooked it for only 45 minutes. While this was baking I cleaned my dishes, and worked on this post. 

Fresh out of the oven

9. Cool completely in pan. So I sit and wait more... you have to really be dedicated to bake. 

Sorry I forgot to take picture of it before I cut into it... I got hungry. And I must say it was a good piece though they could have put more icing in the packet.

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Well that is all for my baking this time... since I still have a few more weeks before summer school maybe I will bake other things.

Side Note: have a good play list going as you are baking.

Writer's Feelings

I love reading blogs on writing... so here is my Friday's Feature for this week.

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Last year when I picked up blogging again the first blogger I came across was Sarah now at Well and Cheaply her blog inspired me to be a better blogger. So I think it is only appropriate to feature her this week. In her post "I'm a writer" she writes about the guilt she faces for not being a published writer.

So, I haven't actually talked about the fact that I'm a writer on this blog yet.  And while I like to consider this a "lifestyle blog," which sort of gives me the freedom to write about whatever the hell I want, I also hope for this space to be a writer's blog.  Before I start talking about my writing here though, I have something else I'm afraid to tell you:

The other day, my mom was asking me about my writing in a completely supportive and interested way.  And I just didn't want to talk about it.  Finally, she said, "why are you acting defensive?  Is it the question's I'm asking?"  And I couldn't answer her.  I knew she was right, I knew I was acting defensive and yet, why?

The conversation stuck in my head for a long time, and I was trying to figure out what was going on.  I think that I've come to a place where my relationship with writing -while I'm very passionate about it, is steeped in guilt and shame.  All of this guilt and shame has to do with not being published.  And I think I spend my time telling myself that I don't really feel this way.  And yet, when my mom asks me about my writing I get defensive because if I really let my guard down, I know I'd just start crying.

To read more click here

Since she came out about her guilt for not being published. I will come out about my feelings about writing. I feel ashamed about my writing. I have been writing stories since I was a little girl, I can't remember when I wasn't writing. But the truth is as much as I envision myself as a writer more specifically a novelist I have never finished a story. All my life I have filled notebooks maybe half way through then got inspired by another idea and I would drop the notebook and move onto another story. I think when I was in high school my mom got fed up with all these notebooks and started throwing them away (rightly so). Because I have never finished a story, I don't really come out and tell people I am a writer, it takes me awhile to feel comfortable with them to let them know that my passion in life is writing. Writing is a very vulnerable process for me, as I am sure it is with most writers, my stories are my own little world and letting some one in that space is very hard for me.

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For a long time I would write stories and never let anyone read them. I was embarrassed by my horrible spelling skills and grammar is hard for me as well. How can I be a writer if I can't spell or even properly construct a sentence? 

I guess I am also embarrassed by my writings. They are definitely written from a hopeful romantic perspective, who idealizes the past and wishes that first loves would be life time loves. I guess my writings always seemed a little silly or foolish in the world of serious literature but this is the world I escape to. It is my happy place, I guess if I was to put a picture to my happy place this would be it...

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But if I didn't write I think I would feel a void. With this blog and all the love and support I have gotten through writing it I am more willing to let people into my world. Though sometimes it is hard to let people in so sorry if I don't come right out and share my passion with you.   

Right now I am really pushing myself to finish my current story even if it never gets published I want to say I finished writing a story The Sisters of Pine Haven. 

I saw this on Pinterest and thought it was good inspiration to end this post...

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Writing Wednesday

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"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."

-Hemingway

I got to a part in my story where I couldn't think of where to go next. I mean I knew what I wanted to say but I couldn't think of how to write it. In order to get inspiration I read back through what I had already written. One thing I noticed was that I left out some words, one time I used the word "hose" when I meant to write "host" and in my post Afternoon Tea  I realized I totally copied and pasted wrong from my word document. First I am sorry readers for this mistake. If you go to that post now it is all set up properly. Tonight I got through 3 post out of the 25 written for my blog is Sisters of Pine Haven but I will get through some more over the coming weeks before summer classes start. 

Here is a preview of the updated Afternoon Tea...

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It was in these woods Miss Pembers knew to look for Emmy when the household was expecting Mrs. Melbourne and her eligible son Mr. Melbourne for tea. 

“Miss Emmy you have been outside long enough it is time for tea and your mother insist you come outside.” 

“I don’t want to be involved in anything where Laurel throws herself at the boring man Mr. Melbourne is.” 

“I seriously doubt Miss Laurel will throw herself at anyone, it would be in-proper and your sister has a higher sense of propriety then anyone I know. Now come or I shall send Helena to get you.” 

Helena was Grandma Danford’s cook who had no problem disciplining the girls into good behavior with a wooden spoon, Emmy suffered the worst for it. She was hardly the a model of good behavior from her unkempt hair, dirty finger nails and stockings sometimes covered in mud. Mother would only allow Helena to give Emmy one or two hits but Emmy still felt the blows to be fatal. With the threat of Helena’s wooden spoon Emmy climbed down from her rock and dusted herself off before presenting herself to Miss Pembers. 

“And where are your shoes.”

“One can hardly climb with those little boots on, I would slip and break my neck.”

“Your Grandmother would break your neck knowing you walked outside barefoot. It is a good thing you have yet to wear long dresses you would ruin all of the with your childish ways.”

“I am not a child.”

“Well you are certainly not acting like a girl of sixteen. Playing in the woods, day dreaming and losing yourself in your world of make believe.”

“I like my world it is more interesting then this world.”

“Hush your mouth. You have all beauty and luxury around you. You are lucky to have such a fortunate family. There are girls in orphanages who dream of having what you have.”

Emmy wanted to remind Miss Pembers that none of the beauty and luxury was hers to do with what she would. If it was she would sale everything and explore the world. It all belonged to her Grandma and then it would go to uncle and the girls would receive nothing. She wanted to remind Miss Pembers of all that but know when Miss Pembers let her Irish accent slop she was about to let her hot temp out. So Emmy kept her mouth shut.

Click here to read more

Happy Graduation

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For all my friend's who are graduating here are some songs to celebrate your accomplishment.

The 2000 classic Vitamin C song  Graduation (friend's forever)

Now pour a drink and dance around you have worked hard. 

Kool and the Gang- Celebrate 

Black Eye Peas- I got a feeling

Have fun celebrating!

Can't wait till I can join your graduated ranks.

Love of Fashion!

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I love fashion history!  I am very picky too about my fashion history to be accurate. I mean I got upset at Barnes and Nobles because they had a cover of Little Women with women in Empire waist dresses and a copy of Emma in Victorian dresses those are backwards. Of course at that time I was in high school and none of my friends understood but this is example of how specific I like it to be. 

When I am writing a story I always want to make sure the way I describe dresses is historically accurate. I have a whole pin board on pinterest board dedicated to Edwardian Fashion. This part of the story was really fun as I not only got to look at Edwardian wedding dresses  I also learned about Edwardian wedding customs. Apparently they didn't have receptions like we do today usually the married couple were just escorted to the train station and then they were off on their honeymoon. (I might take some artistic liberties here).  


Here are some links I used for my writing
1. The Wedding 
2. Wedding Traditions

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The insert story below is from part of my newest post Kathryn's Wedding ...

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Friday passed uneventfully, Mrs. James threw a little dinner in Kathryn's honor. Mrs. James insisted that it end early to make sure the wedding party slept well. Truth be told no one slept very well. Kathryn woke up several time to make sure she had not over slept and she got up walk to the closet and looked her dress. They had found it last spring in one of the best shop in New York that imported directly from Paris. It was a beautiful cream white silk with lace cuff on the sleeves, lace around the neck and some subtle beading in the bust line and skirt that flowed into at least two foot train. Her veil came with its own tiara that fell half the way of the train of the dress and had the same beaded pattern along the edge. It would all be glamorous and while Kathryn longed for a quiet ceremony she loved this dress and felt like a princess when she stepped into it. Her mother told her face glowed when she first tried it on in that New York shop. She felt her face glow every time she looked at the dress. Looking at the dress now she could not wait till Nicholas saw her in it tomorrow.

            "Miss," a voice startled her.

            Kathryn flinched then turned to see her petite maid "Bea, you startled me."

            "I am sorry miss, I saw the light under the door and I was just making sure things were all right."

            "Yes Bea, things are wonderful. It is a pretty dress isn't it"

            "Yes Miss. You will be a princess in it."

            "Thank you Bea."

            "Do you need anything Miss?"

            "No Bea, you go back to bed, tomorrow is going to be a long day and mother will run you raged if you are not will rested."

            "Yes Miss, you need your sleep too, we would not want you falling asleep at your own wedding."

            "I won't Bea, I am too excited."

            "Yes Miss, good night Miss. The future Mrs. Nicholas Danford."

            The sound of her new name sent a thrill up her spine. She walked back to her bed and fell asleep till Bea woke up for good. The James house buzzed starting at sunrise. Mrs. James made sure everyone ate a full breakfast especially Kathryn. She was not going to have Kathryn gouge on food at the luncheon making her look wild beast on the biggest day of her life. Kathryn was then tugged into a corset. Kathryn could tell Bea was ordered to pull the strings extra tight, she could also tell that these orders made Bea uncomfortable as Kathryn winced. She took her last deep breath of the day and told Bea as happily as she could that it was all right. She tried to laugh it off that beauty was pain.

            The church was done to the tops filled with the fragrance of yellow and orange color trumpet lilies that made the air smell sweet for miles around and were the perfect color for autumn. Mrs. James thought lilies would be fragrant but Kathryn wanted lilies more than anything. They were no in season anymore, so they had to be specially grown for the occasion. No expense was spared and Kathryn used the fact that her mother wanted to prove to all of Boston that her daughter was worthy of the Danford name as leverage to get any lavish touch she wanted. Though the church was filled with yellow and orange lilies Kathryn just carried a simple bouquet of white roses that were the same shade of the cream that match her dress.

To read more of the story click here

Friday's Feature...

My favorite blogger Soundtrack to I do  had a great post last week in which she writes a letter to her future boyfriend/husband that I really loved so I wanted to direct your attention to it.

Dear Mr. Someday,

Since you are a male, and I am a female, there is one thing I know for sure: I am going to confuse you sometimes. Probably a lot. So, I thought I’d give you some pointers, now, ahead of time, to help a brother out. Because it would probably be pretty annoying if I was giving you pointers once we were dating. Plus I won’t want to, because I’m going to want you to magically know how to deal with treat me. Amiright, ladies? Oh sorry Mr. Someday, back to you. So, here’s my list of handy dandy tips, which I may casually print and leave lying around somewhere for you to find one day, when you’re mine. (These are not in order of importance, or any order at all, really.)

to read more click here.

Birthday Love

I love my birthday,  I know that sounds selfish when I say that because many people think when I say it is because I like gifts but that is not the case. I love it because I know it means I get a lot of my friends around me.

Over the years I have had great birthdays...

The day after 21st birthday I got baptized. 

Then on my 22nd birthday I went to my first Red Sox game.

It had just happened to be Lester's no hitter.

Two days before my 23rd birthday I graduated college.

My 24th birthday was not that big...

My bible study went to Rochester, New York the week before. 

I know it was not for my birthday but I still remember it as part of my birthday celebration.

We discovered the love of a jumping pillow,

probably our favorite memory from the trip. 

Then on my 25th birthday I did something I have always wanted to do...

Karaoke. 

My friend told me my 25th birthday was the last "big" birthday I get before I turn 30, I didn't like that thinking because I love my birthday and I can make them big if I want to. Well last night I had an early celebration to my birthday that was just as big and memorable as the others. As most of you know I have been raising funds for my Honduras trip in August. In March I wrote a post about what my birthday wish was.... "For my birthday I want people to give to Living Water International click here for the Donation page and if you want to learn more about Living Water click here. If you want to support me and my trip to Honduras please contact me, but as I am not 100% certain I will go I would like it more if you guys would directly give money to Living Water International." 

At that time I was not sure I could go on a trip with Living Water. But now that I am going I have asked people for my birthday to give me funds for my trip. Well there as been an out pouring of generosity. My birthday party last night was in order to raise support for my trip, I did I raised 585 dollars making my new total of support at $1,885, meaning I only need 115 dollars left to raise. WOOHOO!!!

Me with my fundraising poster

Outside the money raised it was a great success. As my place is too small to host a party my friend let me use her place to host a party, and my best friend made and bought all the food for the party. Then about 20 people showed up and every one had a good time. So I will put this birthday in the book as another "big" birthday. 

Some of my friends
sorry it is blurry

The cake my best friend made
in the shape of a water drop.

For more on my trip to Honduras follow my Blaire goes to Honduras Blog thanks for all the love, memories, and support. It has meant the world to me.