Trying to find a place

This song lately has really spoken to me. 

Hello Lovely Readers,

I had a post all set for today but I rescheduled it for Monday so I could write this more honest post. 

I feel like I haven't really written anything. I feel like I have made a lot of list and posted a lot of pictures. So this post is kind of random combination of the things I have been going through.

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Remain in me, and I will remain in you.

-John 15:4

My relationship with God has faded away, I am sad to say. I am still a believer but for the last few months I months I have not made it a priority in my life. I could justify myself by saying that I have been really bus as I try to finish school but I don't know how true that is. Mostly because this fading away I feel started back in March. But this blog post is not so much focused on my fading. It  is more about the impact on my life.

On Sunday I was sitting in church leaning up against the wall not paying attention to the sermon but instead thinking about the curriculum for children's church. I was on my phone looking up the passage and some how got to John 15 and I read John 15:4. I have probably read it a hundred times and could recite it as an over used verse. But since Sunday I have realized hoe true it is for me. 

Lately, I have felt like something is missing in my life. I feel like a lot of my fiends lives are changing, they are graduating school, getting in relationships, having babies, or other things. And I feel kind of stuck. I think of things I want in my life or want to do in my life and how I can't get them. At least not now, and maybe not until I finish school (2 more years). And sometimes this stuck feeling overwhelms me. It makes me sad when I feel how my life is missing something. 

But is my life really missing something?

No!!! If I was listening to God I would know I was exactly where I was suppose to be. The school, the program, I am in has been a dream of mine. Since I was in high school. God has blessed me in pursuing this dream. He has long protected me.

Once I went on a retreat in Gloucester, at a friend's house on the ocean. During a quiet time I found a place sitting on the rocks. I couldn't focus on my reading so I found myself staring at the rocks below me. When the tide was coming in it looked like one rock was "protecting" the rock behind it from the crashing waves. Then the longer I sat there I saw the tide go out and I saw what was the second rock holding up the first rock. Since then I have seen the symbolism of God in these rocks. He is the first and second rock both protecting me from the hard waves and holding me up.

On that trip I found these rocks and 

since then I have had these rocks on my dresser to remind me.

But as I admitted my walk with God has been on the wean, so the little voice inside of me has come in and told me, my life is missing something. I am seeking people around me get the "things" I want and to be honest I am jealous. It doesn't help that emotionally I have felt like I have been a yo-yo.

Going back to the verse "remain in me and I will remain in you." I have seen this in my life. The more I remain in God the little voice that tells me I am constantly wrong goes away and it speaks softer than a whisper. When I remain in God I hear a voice that tells me I may not have everything I want but I am all right. 

Right now though I can't hear God speaking to me. I have often wished God would tell me what to do like the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" but he has never spoken to me that way. Most of the time it is just a feeling, or things my friends and family say that lead me on my way. Since I haven't been really seeking God out I haven't had that feeling or God's whisper. And I miss it. 

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Last time I read the bible I was reading 2 kings.* It seems to be a long list of kings with names I don't now how to pronounce and really no stories or life lessons I can relate to. I need a book to read. I have list of book I want to read but I am not for sure what I should read. Any suggestions.

*- I wrote this in my school notebook but I have not wanted to post it till I was done with school. Yesterday and today I have taken time to read my bible. Yesterday I read John 15 and 16 to get more content around the verse. Today I went back to Ephesus, it is like my comfort blanket, I go back to it whenever I don't know where to go. Today I read Eph. 1:11- "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." I know at the heart of it I know God is working out everything to His will and though it may not be exactly what I want it is what is suppose to be happening. 

I need to stay more constant with God, which is hard, but it is always rewarding.