Holding on to words

I'm not sure why but I am a little timid to post this one... I post a lot about myself, some things are far more personal than this post, but I am still timid. However, as I have written I want to share my ups and downs on this blog... this is neither an up or down just something I have been pondering over.

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Some people think I am quiet (even if my friends or family don't believe it). I am quiet I think it is because I spend so much time in my own head... I am hoping this is typical for authors. I am good at writing out conversations but not so good in actually having them on my own. In high school my friend and I watched Dawson's Creek (well I watched the re-runs because I was late to the Dawson's Creek fan club). But one time we joked that Dawson's Creek was good at saying things you wanted to say but couldn't.

Clear example of what I mean
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I am not good at saying things I want to because I am nervous or I am afraid. Sometimes the words I want to say I know will leave me vulnerable and potentially show off my weakness. And I can't say them. So I write my characters... usually they are heroines who everyone sees as quiet and maybe a bit plain looking but they dream of adventure and deep passion. By adventure, I don't mean going to explore the distant shores (though that would be cool) they mostly just follow their dreams wherever they might lead them no matter what. I feel in some ways they are a bit of me but in some ways they are the best of me. 

Some people think I am quiet, I feel I express myself better on paper than I can in person.

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I started thinking about this post on a Friday as I was leaving my therapy session. At first it was going to be a letter to my crush... I don't currently have a crush but it was more to the idea of a crush. It was to say just because I don't say "I like you" doesn't mean I don't, I just have a hard time putting myself out there. I have a hard time letting myself be vulnerable; I guess that is normal people like to be seen as strong, as having it all together but for me think it goes deeper. I know I want a deep passionate love like my characters but I feel trapped inside my mind. I want something but I can't open myself up and either express it or allow myself to feel it (does that make any sense?) So I stay quiet still longing for love and not exactly sure how to get it. I have been told most of my life through the church that the guy is too pursue the girl, but for that to happen the guy has to know if the girl is interested in him, right? So how does this introverted girl, this girl who rather write than talk, find this love? I don't know... still on the path of figuring that out.

However, I don't want people to think that just because I don't talk doesn't mean I don't like you... I am just unsure of what to say.