A page from my diary

Found at Pinterst

I am writing probably more honestly about my emotions then I have ever written.

But I can't keep it bottled up inside any more.

I am burnt out.

Yes, I am juggling going to school and working a full time job,

which is wearing me out

but if that was all I could trudge through to winter break and rest then

but it's not.

In my life I have wanted to be many things

but my heart has only wanted to be two things

a wife and a mother.

I have placed so much time and energy thinking and dreaming about those two things

I lose my focus.

But right now I am no where those goals.

In fact they feel so far away from me that they might as well be in California.



Found at Pinterst

And I don't know what to do...

in fact I feel lost.

I feel all around me that people are getting the things I want

and as happy as I am

I wonder why not me?

I feel this lacking on my life drains me

like little drips from a leaky sink

Found at Flickr

I know, I know

you are going to tell me to "find my identity in Christ"

but is that it, is that all you have to say.

That's not enough.

What does it mean?

What do I do with that answer?

I feel like my pain was just pushed aside.

I need to know what that means, and how to do it.

I am not looking for rules or an A+B equation

just something that gives me more insight in to where I am to go from here.

Because right now I feel I have lost my way,

lost my path,

and my plan.

And I am not for sure where to go.

Thanks for reading.

Techy Ponderment...

Found at Pinterst

Honestly, what did we do before we had computers?

I have been asking that myself a lot this week. Long story I have been with out a computer since Tuesday night and I have no idea what people did with out them. Fortunately my work has a computer, my school library has lots of computers, and I still have my blackberry so I can still function as if I still had my own personal computer.

But I am left wondering what did we do? We must have watched TV, when the show was actually on and not depend on Hulu for it. We must have listened to radio to discover a new song instead of having Pandora tell us what music we like. And we must have carried around dictionaries so we didn't depend on the red squiggly line to tell us we miss spelled. Actually I still carry around a pocket dictionary in my school bag because sometimes I spell so bad spell check doesn't even know what I am talking about.

Since the loss of my computer was so tragic I have been in a daze not knowing what to write here or what do with out it. But I must move on... mostly because I can't live in a non computer world. This weekend a friend of mine, who know way more about computers and I are going to look for a new one. Then I will have to find money to buy a new computer and get one. But on a quirky note I have already decided to name my new computer Susie Q...Please don't ask me to explain the logic in the name, I don't have any.

Hope you have a nice weekend. 

A Peg?



Image of Peg Dolls
Found at pinterest

 I know in high school every one tells you to "get out of your comfort zone experience something new." Maybe they were just telling me that because I seemed very pegged into a certain lifestyle. I don't mean to be a peg.  I think of myself as eclectic... liking music from Franki Valli and the Four Season to Beyonce and on the none pop side I am discovering a like for more The Dandy Warhol's and The Punch Brothers. But maybe I don't let people see my eclecticness (is that a word) because over this weekend I felt I had two incidences where people thought I wouldn't like something when I did. Maybe that sentence would work better if I described what I meant.

On Saturday night I went with out with kind of a new friend and some of her friends and we were walking back home she apologized for anything that made me feel uncomfortable. Which, on the surface is really nice. But I like over analyize things and I thought does she think I couldn't handle it, or I wouldn't like it. Maybe, yes I wouldn't have usually gone out to that bar. But that's only because I didn't know about it.

Picture of The Beehive

We went to The Beehive and I would say it is urban bohemian and a very cool atmosphere. And yes I may not have been my usual talkitive self but most of them were talking about architecture and I was just waiting for my way into the conversation since every one around me minus 2 girls were strangers. But I found it and eventually I was very comfortable talking. I don't really have "a scene" mostly because as long as its not too trashy or way to expensive I like a lot of things... I will go where people want to go. I don't go out very much so I don't have a usual place to go on a Friday or Saturday Night. But that doesn't mean just because it may not be my usual place (what ever that is) doesn't mean I won't like it. I loved being invited out and experiencing something new. And I bet I will go back again. So that is one instance where I don't like being pegged in for liking one thing over another.

If I don't know what it is how can I say I don't like it?

Another one incident where I felt like people pegged me was on Sunday. I was talking with a group of my friends. They were talking about all different groups in music. I said "I need a list so I can add these bands to my Pandora list." My friend gave me sort of a weird look and said "they were all blue grass". Okay? Maybe yes I wouldn't have usually chosen on my own to listen to blue grass but I can give it a shot. And I did. When I got home I actually googled Blue Grass Bands got some names (Alison Krauss & Union Station and Bela Fleck and the Flecktones) added them to my Pandora Quick Mix. While I was doing some homework I really liked it.  So yes before Sunday I would not have listened to blue grass music. But now that it is on my Pandora I will keep listening to it.

So if I don't know whats out there, how can I say I don't like it?

So yes, like most people I have a comfort zone rather it be in my movies I watch, the music I listen to and the places I like but that doesn't mean I can't discover something new and love it too. 

I just don't like being pegged into one catagory... I do want to explore whats out there just sometimes I need a little push.



Found at Pinterest

Okay these are just my thoughts from a non-peg.

The Dinner Party

While watching the Emmy's I typed up more of my story... that was good home work break. 

To learn more about The James Family click here 

Found at "Will Type For Food"

That night at dinner Emmy sat next to Brandon.

            “Your sister, Mr. James tells me you are the British Ambassador’s right hand man.”

            “I don’t know if I would say that.”

            “Didn’t you just return from a trip from England with him where you met the Prime Minister?”

            “I did.”

            “Well I would say you are quite important then.”

            “You are kind Miss Cromwell.”

            Emmy laughed, no one ever called her Miss Cromwell, no one called her Miss anything she was just Emmy. But she could see laughter was not the right thing to do by the way he looked.

            “I am sorry Mr. James, I wasn’t laughing at you, I was laughing at being called Miss Cromwell that title belongs to my sister. I am just Emmy.”

            “How old are you?”

            “Sixteen?”

            “It is not right to call a lady by just her first name.”

            “But everyone does. Everyone calls me Emmy minus Miss Pembers; though my real name is Emmaline.”

            “That is an interesting name.”

            “What you mean is odd.”

            Brandon saw her sulk a bit. “No I mean not common but beautiful.”

            “It was my father’s mother’s name, I was born a month after she passed away. But everyone calls me Emmy. I am not graceful enough to have such a name as Emmaline.”

            “Why do you say that?”

            “My Grandma Danford tells me.”

            “Well I don’t want to dispute your Grandma but I disagree.”

            Emmy smiled.

            

Then it struck Brandon how much this young girl looked like Martha, his love from Oxford. Their faces could almost be identical with the same almond shape eyes and sweet smile that made her nose crinkle. Before he could speak again her sister Gloria had grabbed her attention. He overheard them talking and heard them talking about the piano.

            “Oh do you play, Miss Emmy?”

            “Hardly, Gloria and I were discussing how she and Laurel should put on a show for you and Miss James. They have the beauty and musical skills of the family. I can barely play hot cross buns.”

            “You don’t find music amusing then?”

            “To listen to yes but I cannot play music, even though to appease my Grandma I practice. I have neither the ear not the talent.”

            “Well then how do you delight your time?”

            “With stories. I love to write stories, one day I hope to be published,” she saw his little smile “I know it’s silly,” she said lowering her head.

            “Not at all,” he saw like she had before. “What do you write about?”

            “Adventure, passion, knights fighting for the girl he loves, princes in Africa. Everything my life is not.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “I have not lived any but this house and this town of Pine Haven. Not very adventurous and my Grandma Danford tries to stifle out all passion.”

            “Maybe one day you will see the world.”

            “Maybe, but it’s unlikely.”

            “Really?”