Figuring some things out...

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Hello,

I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update  in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...

In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions... 

Dear Anne,

I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.

Best Buds

Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)

We so silly

Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.

I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.

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Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.

old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"

Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future... 

I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.

I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.

Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.

Literary Fear Conquered

Back in July I wrote a post about my Literary Fear where I admit I was afraid to read anything by Charles Dickens (among others)... well I am happy to say as of Sunday night I conquered that fear by finishing Little Dorrit. It took me long enough I must say, but to be fair I did read The Fault was in our Stars and The Secret Garden  while I was reading that book, and the book is about 780-800 pages (depending on the edition). Even with all this going on I still felt like this book took me way to long to get through, so I am happy that I had the miniseries to watch to remind me a) what was going on because Dickens is very wordy and b) why I am actually reading it. Anyway, I am happy to have my first Dickens behind me and maybe now every summer I will conquer on more literary fear.


For those who don't care about my literary fears I am sorry I have posted so little lately... I do have a blog post in mind, I am just trying to think of the words to say.

just a little update...

Loyal Readers,

my cousin and I doing an art project at our
family reunion in July

Sorry it has been close to a month since I posted... the move, getting settled, and started classes has really taken up my mind. But I thought I would write this quick update so you don't think I have fallen off the face of the earth.

I have moved into my new apartment and now I just trying to make it feel like home. I live with 2 other girls. One I know through my church and we both work with the kids at the nursery, which is how I learned of this living situation. The other is a friend of the first as they used to go to church together. Anyway we are settling in. I know I am not the most sociable person, I don't want to be mean but it is hard for me to talk to people (yes I'd rather write this blog sometimes then actually talk to someone). I am okay with people I know but even sometimes that is hard for me (I over think way too much). So moving in with 2 almost strangers has pushed me outside of my comfort zone. In my last apartment it was just two bedrooms, kitchen, and bathroom (no living room), so in my last apartment it was easy to hide in my room. Now I have living room and eating area so while it is easier for me to hide in my room, I want to be social so I do sit in the living room even if it is awkward. My therapist and friend challenged me to be social and not just let this year pass by without making a connection.

I haven't started yet (officially) but I have my internship for this semester at the Harvard Art Museum Archives. I will be working as a Reference Archivist, which is what I want to do in the long run because I can interact with people and help them with their research. I actually love doing research and want to be able to help others. I am right now waiting for Harvard to approve of my paperwork.

Besides doing my internship I am also taking a children's librarian and literature class. I know it is totally not in my field but I love working with children so I was interested in this class. Plus my friend who was in the program and my adviser said it was a good class. I feel I am learning a lot. The people in my class are so passionate about the topic and I feel like a fly on the wall just absorbing all the information.

Right now my life is kind of slow since I have 1 class only on Mondays and my internship hasn't officially started. But I know soon the craziness of school will hit me. So I am trying to be intentional about my prayer time. I will hopefully graduate in May after the completion of my thesis, then I have no idea what is going to happen. Last semester really burned me out so I have been wondering if Library and Archives is where God wants me to be. Also I have been wondering if I should continue to live in Boston, I am beginning my 9th year of living here and as much as it is home I am feeling kind of disconnected from it. So I have no idea where I will be a year from now. I know God right now is pushing me to get out of my comfort zone... right now that looks like talking to be people even when it feels uncomfortable, be willing to be more vulnerable (not just on my blog), and experiencing God's freedom from over thinking... for me this is harder than it sounds.

Yep... just showing off my niece
because she is adorable 

The next big news is that my sister and niece are coming to visit. I am so excited! My sister hasn't been here for a couple of years and this is my niece's first visit to Boston. If you have any suggestion what to do with a 3 year old on a budget let me know.

Other post about life updates... (from over the summer)
Life Update
Changes are a comin'

Outside of school, work and spiritual things, during my move I became quite addicted to Parks and Rec. I watched the first season when it was on but I didn't like it. Now at many friends recommendations I watched it again. I watched season 5 and fell in love with Ben and the Leslie story line so I want back and watched season 3 and 4. It is not hard for this hopeful romantic to fall in love with a love story but Leslie and Ben have become one of my favorite TV couples. I have LITERALLY never been so excited for a show to come back on.

The great couple in action
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Hello Lovely Readers,

I am getting ready for my move to Allston, not far from my current apartment but I am wishing there was a way to to teleport my stuff to my new place. As I have been packing I have been watching a lot of Gilmore Girls (one of my favorite shows). I don't think Lane gets enough attention as a character in the Fangirl world so here a great scene from her life. So I thought since I haven't blogging much lately I would post this video... Hope you will forgive me.

Love.