Holding onto Truths pt. 2

Hello,

 

When I posted my Holding onto Truths  I wrote that I needed to add a part 2... First I am rather surprised how many people have read that post and my Life Update post. Let me go back and explain a few things, halfway through writing my "Holding onto Truths" post was when I was having trouble with my blogging on my home computer, so I didn't write it all together. That was probably good because I feel like I was kind of throwing myself a pity party, then once I postponed my thesis I felt like the cloud that had been hanging over me was gone and I felt much more relief. I actually felt like deleting that post, but then I felt that would be as if I was pretending that I never had those doubts or concerns and I want to be honest with you my readers. I feel like today so much of social media is concerned with showing only our best side, but this blog is not only for my best it is also to help work through my worst. So I posted the post and I hope if you are feeling doubts, and insecurities, that you will read that post and know you are not alone.

 

After posting "Holding onto Truth" post my mom called, she so wishes she could fix all my problems. I told her "at least I know these are lies." I think we hold onto lie because it is the devils way of keeping us from God. I honestly believe the verses that God created us in His image, to be his masterpiece, but if the devil can slip doubt into that, then he can separate us from God and separate us from doing the work God wants us to do. I will be the first one to admit sometimes the voices of doubt, insecurities, pain, regret, shame, and others cab scream louder than God's whisper of peace, beauty, hope, love and truth. I know the feelings of being surrounded by those voices, feeling lost in the woods and not knowing a way out, or feeling you have sunk to the bottom of the ocean and see no life preserver. I know those feelings but I also know God's truth. 

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Somewhat related post:

Things I am afraid to tell you

No fight left

Not forsaken and part 2 

Discovering my mountain 

Hope is in the act of Waiting

I am still struggling with it. I know God is present in my life but right now I can't feel Him. I am sticking to my quiet times but they are more like a to do list than an experience. I am hoping now that I have postponed my thesis and the cloud has lifted I can get real and honest with God. Its funny God knows everything, He knows the desires of my heart, He knows all my bruises, all the pain I carry around pointlessly and yet sometimes I feel I can hide from Him. Right now I don't want to hide from any more. I know I have issues but I think the only way to move on is to open my heart to God, truly open my heart, hand over the pain and tears and let Him be in the moment. I told Him, the other day in prayer, that get glimmers of His goodness but I don't want to just settle for moments of it. I want it to be fully in my life. 

It is interesting that in my community groups we were talking about Romans 12 and my friend asked us which one of the following in the "Love in Action" part is hardest for us. I said "12:12, because I have felt like beaten down, at a loss, and not knowing where to go in my faith. I have felt passionless in my faith, and I have felt for awhile sometimes I am just going through the motions." I have had moments of passion but they are short and far between. I am longing for a moment of His glory and my passion. 

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need.Practice hospitality.

In my last post Music for my soul I wrote the truths I am holding on to:

• I know God is present in my life even if I am not feeling Him right now.
• I know God wants only the best in my life, so while this is just a phase, it is not forever.
• I know God loves me and will not let go of me.  

I don't really have a conclusion to this post but I felt I left my "Holding onto Truth" post on such a low note that I wanted to let you, my readers, know that in my heart I know the doubts and insecurities are lies and I trying very hard to cling to God's truth. 

Thank you for reading,

Blaire

 

Some good finds on Pinterest:

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Music for my soul

Hello lovely readers,

I have been posting a lot of songs lately. It is amazing to me I will just be listening to my spotify playlist and songs I selected months ago are still so powerful to me. This is one of those songs. From my Dear Anne letters, I think you tell I have been going through a hard time in my faith so the words of the song are very true for my present.

 

Truths I am holding onto in my life:

I know God is present in my life even if I am not feeling Him right now.

I know God wants only the best in my life, so while this is just a phase, it is not forever.

I know God loves me and will not let go of me.  

 

Song: Silence

By: Joy Williams

Are you listening
TO anything that I say
'Cause I been praying
How many prayers can I pray
I'm still waiting
Maybe You'll show up today

I know You're here, but I can't feel You
And if You're speaking, I can't hear You
How much longer will this last

Chorus:
So okay Answer me with silence
It's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Why do I question
Your intentions for me
When Your affection
Is a proven legacy

Oh Father, Father
Turn my fears into peace
I know Your love will never leave
I know You want what's best for me

You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet

Oh, it's okay
If You answer me with silence
And it's okay if You don't say a word
You're testing me to trust You'll be faithful in this quiet
So okay
Answer me
With silence

Holding onto truths

Dear Anne,

These letters I write to you are suppose to help me feel I am writing to a friend instead of the entire internet, that way I feel I can truly talk about what is going on in my life. I have loved these letters to you because in them I feel I can express what is truly going on in my heart and mind. A friend asked me once if I minded putting out there things so very personal about myself, I said no. I love to write and I feel writing is the one way I can truly share myself. I would love to think that if what I write here resonates with some one or if some one reads these letters and knows they are not alone in their feelings. I spend so much of my life feeling alone, that if I can connect to someone through this blog I will be happy. So here I sit writing this letter.

Last Saturday night my co-worker and I went out. She did my make-up and dressed me up and we had a wonderful girls night. It took a strangers compliments but it was one of the few times in my life I felt beautiful. I don't mean to throw myself a pity party but I don't really see myself as beautiful, I have always written myself off as a Plain Jane... and I have been comfortable with it. I felt like I had gotten into a Princess Mia rut being comfortable saying "As usual this as good as its going to get" kind of rut. But then my friend dressed me up, did my make up and I felt beautiful.

Just in case you didn't know what I was talking about
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I know not every day is going to be an awesome looking  but when I look in the mirror I see the lies of shame and regret. This isn't right I know it isn't right but the lies are surrounding me. I honestly don't know what is going on with me... I feel trapped in. Mentally and emotionally trapped. But that Saturday night I felt free, thanks to a few drinks, I felt free. I know it is not true freedom but I felt loose and good about myself and it has been awhile since I have felt that way.

My friends keep telling me "not to be so hard on myself, that I am in a funk" and it's true I am in a funk. I know this is just a phase but it feels this phase is going on for a long time and has left me wondering what is true in my life. Do not worry, I do not question God's existence and I know He is in my life, I know this because if He was not I am sure I would be suffering from depression. Just right now I feel lost, I feel lost in the woods and the trees are so thick and blocking my view of the sky and my path. While I am feeling lost I am trying to hold on to God's truth of love, grace, and hope. I am also holding on to the blessings in my life my great friends in Boston, my church, and my family. 

From my "Thankful For" post

 So to conclude, while yes I know I am being really personal about my life, I feel if I didn't I wouldn't be being honest you or to myself. And if I can in anyway connect to someone out there I am happy this blog is out there. 

As always my love,
Blaire

Life update

It is amazing what 24 hours can do, or in this case one email can do....

As some of you might know I am getting my duel master's in Library Science and History. Well one large part of getting the History degree is writing a thesis. I did an under-grad thesis so I thought this would not be much different but it has felt completely different and overwhelming. So overwhelming that I was mentally paralyzed and it was like a cloud hanging over me. I had a plan to do my research over the summer and then come September hit the ground running with writing. Well that would have been good except for 2 things. One I was purely exhausted after last semester that I procrastinated working on my thesis proposal and then rushed to get in for the deadline, I will admit it was not my best work. Then when I sat down with a potential thesis advisor she had a lot of concerns over my thesis it really left me questioning what I wanted to, and I felt completely drained. I have since that meeting sunk away not even wanting to touch my books and I have felt passionless. I have even thought about dropping out of school because I was so uncertain about what I wanted to do. So after I had some hard conversations with my parents I thought about postponing writing my thesis.

Today the thesis councilor emailed me and asked me about my progress and I responded...

I have been thinking it over and wondering if my topic is truly what I want to write about. I have also been wondering if I could possibly not do the class this Fall and do it in the Spring of 2014? I know was "professor" concerned I would be spending all Fall researching and not getting it completed before December. I feel I need more time going over secondary resources and through that figuring out the more if this is really the path I want to take, or what aspect more precisely I want to focus on. 

She responded...
I think it sounds like a good and sane plan to take the fall to do the preliminary research and secondary reading, and then to take the thesis writers' course in the spring. I suspect you will be happier writing your thesis when you have a stronger sense of the sources you will use and the questions you want to ask. This strikes me as a responsible decision.

It is amazing I feel such a relief. So I will not be graduating in December as I thought but in May, which I am totally okay with. I'd rather take my time and do good work than feel rushed and overwhelmed.

In the Fall I will be doing my internship and taking a children's librarian class. The children's librarian class is not apart of my track just something I am interested in and it will be good to see if this is another path.

Sorry if this all doesn't make sense, I am just happy to lessen my mental plate. I know this summer I just want to read novels and get some fun writing in.

I will keep you posted on all sorts of progress and changes in my life.