Lonely Club... Table for One

Dear lovely readers,

Can I be vulnerable for this post?(If you want a more ligh hearted post click here.) Some of you guys are family or close friends and others of you are strangers who I only know because of this blogging world... but you guys share your lives through stories of vacations, pictures from wedding showers, or pics of your kids I don't have that to share all I have is my heart. (Okay that sounded really emo...maybe I should die my hair black and listen to punk music.)

These last few weeks I have felt very lonely, actually to be completely honest I have felt alone for most of this year. But these few weeks is has bubbled over and I can't hide it any more. Well, I can't hide it as well as I thought.

Have you ever felt alone and there were groups of people around?

That's how I feel, I have lots of friends but I still feel alone. I think (and maybe my thinking is not accurate) most of my friends are transitioning to new phases in life, getting married, being married, having kids, or just preparing for new and better things. I feel stuck, stuck in my sameness. Even though I am going to grad school, which should be cool and exciting chapter in my life it doesn't feel new and exciting. I feel that nothing in my life can really change till I am done with school, and I may not be done for another two to three years. Until then I am left in this feeling of not knowing what to do with my life.

I am also moving from my apartment I have lived in for three years, the last year by myself. It has become home to me, and it has felt very lonely packing it up by myself. I don't even like to pack for a trip by myself and that is for a weeks time, packing up my life has just been odd. Having my apartment full of boxes, and last night it felt weird packing up the last of my books. You book lovers will understand that books are like dear friends and putting them away just feels odd. If my future roommate is reading this please know I am SO looking forward to being your roommate and decorating our new place, I am just going through a mix of excited and sad feelings all at once.

Also these last few weeks I have felt like I am a low priority in my dad's life. I won't go into all the details of my dad and my relationship even though for the most part it is great now, just with our history I feel I easily slip into times when I doubt it. This is one of those moments. We have a time we talk every week and the last few weeks we haven't been able to talk at our usual time. He has been late, because of other things going on. I don't want to blame my family but I have felt left out because I am the only one of my siblings who isn't married or doesn't have a kid. That alone has made me feel very lonely and kind of lost, and asking what am I doing with my life?

I can't wait to be back in school when these feelings get swept under the rug because I am too busy to feel anything but hecticness (that's not a word but it should be). Come on September 2nd.

Thanks for reading my little pity party,
-Blaire