A casual gaze

While I have been writing this blog I have thought of a few things about myself. Maybe in a way to explain my writing or just therapy for myself; either way I won’t be too mushy (I hope but I am emotional so I might not be able to resist).

One thing as previously discussed I am a hopeful romantic but I am not very experienced in the world of “romance.” I have only had four boyfriends and I have only kissed two boys. The first was my first real boyfriend in high school and I was nineteen years old.To be honest after watching plenty of teen soap operas ranging from Gilmore Girls and Dawson’s Creeks I felt I was the only girl who had not had a first kiss and also just to be honest I really wanted my first kiss. Sadly (no offense to him) no sparks flew and definitely no fireworks went off (not like you see in movies.) Then we broke up mostly because I was moving to Boston, three thousand miles away from him and we no longer talk minus maybe a “happy birthday” on Facebook. But I felt he had a part of me, a part I could never get back and I didn’t like it. I then set a standard for myself that I wouldn’t kiss a boy till I said “I love you.” In this day I am guessing that moving at a glacier pace but that explains why I have kissed one other boy because I loved him and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. But it didn’t work out because of factors I won’t get into. So besides losing myself in what might seem like silly novels (check out Love of Reading) I have not had much experience in the world of romance but I am hopeful that one day I will meet Mr. Right but until that day I keep practicing being Mrs. Right (as a good friend once told me).

Another thing about myself is that I consider myself a plain Jane. Now I don’t say this as a way to be pitiful. I will say it honestly I just don’t look at myself and see myself as this knock out girl. Though as an author I would writer I had gold red hair that looked like the sunset and blue eyes that sparkled like the sea. To me that sounds like a fairy tale princess but I am far from feeling like a fairy tale princess. Maybe every woman feels like this after looking at themselves day in and day out. Or maybe women take more time putting themselves together. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t walk around with my hair disheveled or my clothes stained. I comb my hair but usually that it I don’t curl, flat iron or anything like that. And I will admit until high school I didn’t really use a hair dryer and however my hair looks that is how it will be. Then in college I started wearing make up but I still working on it. And honestly, I am not knocking women who take lots of time with their looks because they look great, I just don’t care. I’d rather sleep in. I’d rather slip my skirt on (except when it’s too cold) and my cardigan and leave my house then spend my money on the newest fashion. That’s just me. I am plain Jane and I am okay with that. But it might be why I write about plain Janes and hope in my stories like in real life that someone will see beyond the plain Janeness and see me. I think thats what will happen to my character Emmy.

There might be more later... but for right now I wanted to post this gaze into my life

In Want of Womanhood

I saw this little tray at my dad and step-mom's house sitting on a little antique vanity table and it looked so picturesque that I took a picture with my phone to think about using it in my story.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sit gazing in the mirror feeling that I still possessed some childish features in my face from the little freckles on the ridge of my nose and the slight pudginess in my cheeks that could still be called baby fat. But I hadn't been a baby in 16 years and at seventeen I wanted to gaze into my reflection and see this elegant grown up woman looking back at me. A woman who has every hair perfectly in place and eyes that can make a man go weak at the knees. My hair usually disheveled and my eyes are plain and not likely to make a man go weak in the knees. But tonight is a special night so I picked up my ivory comb and tried to untangle my hair and make it look more womanly tamed. I put a tad of my mother's perfume that had the wonderful fragrance of wild lilies and sweet mint. My mother only wore it on special occasions and tonight she was letting me wear it. Wearing mother's perfume made me want to feel grown up. I then pulled my hair up in a twist as I had watched my older sister do a thousand times and hoped no one would notice that a few strands fell out around my face. I pinched my cheeks in the way my sister had shown me so they would look more rosy and clasped mother's pearl necklace around my neck. I placed my hand over them rubbing the pearls ever so lightly with the tips of my fingers. Mother only owned two necklaces her locket, that carried father's picture and never came off her neck and this pearl necklace, it was the one she had married father in and was her only real luxury in life. She didn't even let Laurel wear them to her first ball but she was letting me and I knew how important that was.

"Emmy," mother's call to me hastened my step.

I looked at myself quickly and even snagged a glance in the small hand mirror to correct any little flaws I could and then got up from the vanity. 'I hope I remember this night forever,' I thought took a deep breath and adjusted my dress one last time and then left the room as my mother called for me again.

From a Hopeful Romantic

This weekend I watched my younger sister marry the first man she ever loved. (I say that in past tense because it is grammatically correct but its not really past tense as she continues to love her new husband.) It was kind of like watching the end of the fairy tale but only to know their life will go on and they will spend the rest of their lives together. Which is great because in movies the movies you only see the couple till they get together and then its over, you never see beyond that. In life the love story continues. I have also been given the chance to watch many love stories unfold from my friend to family. Their marriages may not be the fairy tales people imagine but from an outsiders perspective it has been cool to watch the way love grows.

I guess I have always been a hopeful romantic, I believe love will always win and that it is worth fighting for. I guess that why I own 60 plus movies and most of them have a love story and why I subscribed to Bride magazine when I was in high school and sometimes buy them when I am in a book store.Its probably why I watched/read anything I could because I am a hopeful romantic. Its probably also why that if you read my story you will discover that it is a love story. I want a story book love but I also know a love that will last will be a love that is sacrificial and not a feeling but a choice every day (and it may not always be easy). It will be the type of love that is talked about in 1 Corinthians 13.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.(The Message)

You might this is just a girl sighing over a lovey dovey stuff but its not... this a girl wishing for this type of love. A love that would last a life time. So I will continue to cry when I see people get married and I will continue to tear up over love stories. And I thank all my friends and family who through their relationships have shown me more and more what I want.


P.S- I hope since I am not using names its okay for me to use your pictures but if its not please let me know