Showing posts with label future. Show all posts
Showing posts with label future. Show all posts

Monday, October 26, 2015

A Quick Little Update

Hello lovely readers,

Since it has been a while since I have updated this I thought I would give a fun update on my life...


The biggest news is my life is that my mom and step-dad have moved up to Burlington, VT!
My step-dad has a new job up in Burlington which is awesome because we haven't been physically close to each other in ten years. I don't know if I expressed this but over the summer I was feeling a major amount of homesickness and a major urge to be close to my family (even thought they are spread out)... I even thought about moving away from Boston that I love to be close to them. While, that may happen one day I am so happy for now I can stay up here. 
Any way the weekend was lots of fun... We went to Stowe, VT which is a picturesque New England town and we experienced the first snow of the season, and yes at this point it was exciting. 
Snow up in the mountains over Smuggles Notch Junction

A very picturesque church
Trying to get a picture with the church sadly the power lines got in too
Event though seeing Burlington and Stowe was fun, I liked seeing my parents and it is nice to know they are so close. 

I feel I have not read much lately... I have been using my usual reading time (my commute to work) to get some writing done. It has been beneficial to my writing life but not to my reading. However I have finished my 25th book in my reading challenge... A book about "A lion, witch or Wardrobe" 
I don't usually read "magic realism" novels... so I thought if I am going to read a novel about witches, Halloween season would be a good time. Besides I found a book about the Edwardian/WWI time period so I felt it would fit nicely into my repertoire. For more about the book, click here.
 I was reading the book Fever Tree about a girl who goes to South Africa in 1890, for the requirement a book about a place you have always wanted to go. However, I found parts of the book too sexual and I thought it best to move on. 
I am on the waiting list at the BPL for the book Circling the Sun about Kenya in the 1930s. I have wanted to go to Africa (well South Africa, Kenya, Egypt, and maybe Morocco) but I understand they are unstable and I cannot afford to pay for that yet. So I am reading about it. 
While I am waiting for this book... I just picked up Chronicle of Youth at the library and can already tell I want to buy a copy as there are so many passages I want to underline. 
Over the winter I read Vera Brittan's Testament of Youth, her autobiography of her time in WWI. And while the book was great for facts and  some thoughts it is not very feeling. I think she was trying to sound like a scholar and not like an emotional woman. So reading her diary will be an interesting view of her life.

My work in progress cover

As I said above I have been getting a lot of writing in, but I am gearing up for National Novel Writing Month... where you try to write 50,000 words in a month. This is my first time that I am not in school since I first learned of this. I am going to bend a rule that I want to continue working on my current story. I really feel my story is coming into focus and shape so I want to continue writing it. I have read some blog post about this and it seems really intense... so I don't know if I will actually be able to write 50,000 words but as this my first time trying I am going to do the best I can but won't beat myself up if I don't get there. 
Getting my November calendar ready

Before I went up to visit my parents I went through a major binge watch of Glee. When the show was on I watched the first season, half of the second season, and then just watched episodes occasionally of the 3rd and 4th season but nothing really of the 5th season (minus The Quarterback episode) and none of the 6th season. But YouTube clearly tracking my interest (cheesy musical numbers) kept suggesting videos... finally I got hooked and decided to go through the show on Netflix. 
Song: "Don't Go Breaking my Heart" 
 Okay I will admit that sometimes the performances are a little cheesy and maybe a little over the top (I noticed this more in the 4th season) but hey who doesn't want to go to school where you get to perform a music video walking down the hall...
Song: "Wanna be Starting Something"
And not only did they cover classic songs they had a few original songs 
 Song: "Loser like me" 

Yes there were moments of annoyance where I couldn't stand Rachel and her need to popular, and there were moments when I thought "come on let them be happy," and thought "this is so not logical" but over all I liked it. They fought, they sometimes had pointless breakups, but they still came together as a team to support each other, and they embraced their differences.
 The only thing that made me truly upset is they way they acted like everyone in high school was having sex and if a character didn't have sex it was a fault of theirs. 
And even though I knew it was going to happen I did cry during The Quarterback episode, where they deal with the death of Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith) because it wasn't just them writing off a character he actually died and as a cast they had to deal with that pain. 
 Recently I started re-watching Gilmore Girls. Yes I am excited for the revamp of it on Netflix (whenever that happens) but lately I have been feeling like life is not going the way I want and I have been trying to decide what to do with my life. And whenever get in this mood Gilmore Girls always cheers me up. Because this is just great life advice:
Right now the only show I am watching in real time is Reign. 
(Historical Spoiler):
Sadly, they have already announced that Francis is going to die this season, though I don' t know what episode. I mean I know in history Francis died a year after becoming King, but last season took place almost entirely in the winter, and they have changed so many historical things why do they have to stick with this. Also (Season 2 Spoiler) last season Mary and Francis spent so much time apart that now they are together and happy it hurts to know soon they will be forever apart. 
Other Things in My Life
 I have been actively volunteering with Horizons for Homeless Children. It is probably my saving grace every week as being able to play and interact with the children is my biggest stress reliever. I can't take photos of the kids but they are some of the cutest kids.

Looking Forward To
I know it might be silly but one thing I am really looking forward to is Mockingjay part 2 coming out.

Okay I think this was a good update on my life but before I go just wanted to share one more song from Glee... there were so many good performances but this was probably one of my favorites. 
Song- Mashup: "Rumor Has It/Someone Like You"
The last 30 seconds probably won't make sense unless you have seen the show. 

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Life starts all over again...

Hello my lovely readers,

This feels like an odd time... We have passed Labor Day weekend and everyone is talking about Fall. I will admit I could do with some cooler weather but I am not ready for it to be Fall, I am enough of a "Negative Nelly" that I don't like Fall because that means Winter is coming and I hate Winter. Though I will admit I am looking forward to Pumpkin Spice Lattes, being cozy in sweaters, and I am hoping with cooler weather I will want to cook more in my kitchen. Right now my kitchen feels too hot to cook in but I am not embracing that just because it is after Labor Day that it is now Fall... NO! But it does feel weird now, because Summer does feel over. So this is an in between time.

Doesn't life often feel like this when we are stuck in between seasons we can see a new beginning but we are not there yet? Well maybe it is just me.

Throw back: when my niece and sister came to Boston
There is a great quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald that says "Life starts all over again when it get crisp in the fall." Even up here in New England we are still having some end of summer warmth, though it is apparent the day are getting shorter and sometimes the morning are cool enough I wrap a scarf around my neck (but I just love scarves).

Anyway, I have been feeling for the last couple of months a new beginning is upon me... And things are really happening. Sadly, I cannot put all the changes happening on social media, trust me if I could tell you all I would... but until things are settled I cannot. I am not a fan of change, it usually stresses me out because in change there is something in the unknown. However, as I feel this newness coming on me I have been actively praying to God for him to prepare my heart for what is to come. That is one amazing thing about God, He knows every detail of our lives. He knows our past, present, and future and He truly is control. Many times I think I can handle my own life and I try to be in control and
slowly I start feeling I am beginning to drown.

I am sick of that cycle, so as I felt this "new beginning" feeling I am trying to cling to God.

I pray frequently that my life is in His hands. For we are not promised tomorrow, next month or next year, and I pray that God leads me on while I am on this journey of figuring things out. I know God's future for me is secure and I know He only wants the best for me. This is what I hold onto.

Question: Are you facing a time of newness in your life? Are you clinging on to God?

I will keep you posted on all this.

Monday, April 6, 2015

Finding my passion

I want to blog more, I do I really do but right now I feel I am stuck and I feel I have written the same post over and over.

Today in my quiet time I read Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.. I know I have talked about this book before and yet again I am amazed that in reading it that chapters hit me and speak to me in certain ways. I believe there is almost like a power behind reading a book, article or blog post at just the right time. This chapter was about "love" not romantic love but about loving God and others. The greatest commandment is "Love the Lord God with all your heart and all your mind" the second follows "Love your neighbor as yourself." These two ideas sum up the entire ten commandments.

The chapter focuses on we show our love by our time. When I type it out it sounds simple but is it? I am the first one to admit when I am overwhelmed by life I back away from my relationships and just want to focus on my work. Last semester when I was finishing my thesis I felt I had no life besides my thesis and my relationships with my friends and family took a back seat. I thought this was necessary to get through things. But when I finished my thesis I realized how miserably isolated I had become. I also realized I had true friends and family who supported me through all of it and were so ready to rejoice when I was done.
Some of my support team 
When I first started writing this post I thought about saying I was going on hiatus from blogging while I figure things out. Hence, the "under construction" sign because I feel like my life is under construction... being newly graduated and thinking about what to do with my life.

Going back to love: I keep saying I want to make a difference in this world. If you have read my blog long enough you are probably getting annoyed with this phrase. Anyway, as much as I say it... I don't do anything. Which, when typing that out seems ridiculous. If I want to do something I should just start. I guess my question is where?

I have a few friends going through job searches and when they say "I don't know what to do with my life," I ask them "what are you passionate about?" I think I need to turn the question on myself and figure out what I am passionate about and turn that into action. 

If my time is my love then I am showing a great amount of love towards Pinterest, TV, and other mindless things. And why? These things are not eternal. They are hardly life giving. So what is eternal? What is life giving?  

The basic and really hard answer is LOVE. 

So I leave this post with more questions than answers but I think I know my next step... find my passion. 

Monday, March 23, 2015

Timid or Playing it Safe pt.2

Hello Lovely Readers,

It has been over 3 years since I wrote the "Timid or Playing it Safe?" And that was about relationships. But I still question am I being timid?

Last year I thought about going on Missions and one of the countries that was a possibility was Tunisia. But things came up 1) I didn't graduate in May and so I couldn't leave move over seas in September and 2) I got lost my passion for it and I reconsidered going. In a way I forgot about it and completed my thesis and have now graduated school.

With the recent violence in Tunisia my heart has been re-awaken to this country. On the one hand I am happy not to be there because I know my mom and family would be anxious for me. However on the other hand I would want to be there to experience it and be able God's love there in this time of turmoil.

Lately I have come to realized that sometimes I play it too safe. I honestly feel trapped between what I want to do and the the things I have to do. Some one asked me "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?" I thought, I like to travel, I like to write, and help people. How can I can take these passions and actually make a difference?

I don't have an answer to that question. But that is my life right now and I will continue to pray about it. One thing I know for sure is I have to trust God more to work through my timidity.

Thanks for reading this short post as I continue to work things out.
Please answer in the comments below "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?"

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Happy belated New Years... time to move on.

 Happy New Years!

Sorry I am writing that a bit late... but better late than never right?

That is Benedict Cumberbatch in the background.
I have been on visiting family for Christmas and I have not looked at my computer. I went to Oklahoma to see my Dad's family and for a few days there were 5 children under 5... needles to say it very chaotic and loud at points but also wonderful. Then I went to visit my mom's house (in Southern California) and enjoyed some relaxation and sun. I also got to attend the Palm Springs International Film Gala (and thanks to my step-dad's connections got to stand with the press and see some stars up close)...probably the highlight of 2015. Besides Benedict Cumberbatch, I got to see Allen Leech (Tom Branson from Downton), Eddie Redmayne (Les Mis, Theory of Everything), Reese Witherspoon, Steve Carell, Patrick Stewart, Julianne Moore and many others. It was a great I hope to never forget.
Left to right: Patrick Stewart, Eddie Redmayne, Allen Leech, Reese Witherspoon
Steve Carell. 
But now I am back in cold Boston. I am done with grad school (odd to say and realize) and will have to soon face the reality of looking for a real "adult" job... However, there are some things I would like to accomplish in 2015. In my "looking back thinking ahead" post I wrote I want to:

"1) Invest or re-invest in the friendships I have"... Last semester I was felt very isolated, I mean minus my roommate and cat I really didn't feel to be connected to anyone. I haven't gone to community group (or Bible study) in months and I think that drained me a bit. I tried to keep up with friends but it was an effort and I didn't like the feeling of "scheduling" fun time. But I had too.

Pics from night of celebrating... in December
So happy to celebrate end of thesis
"2)Work on transforming my mind in order to understand God's purpose in my life"... I am not sure how I am going to this. I think going back to Bible study will help, even just to pull me out of thinking only about myself. Also making quiet time a priority... I usually do it first thing in the morning while enjoying a cup of coffee but sometimes I feel it makes little impact on the rest of my day.

At church on Sunday we are going through a series called Fray about about how our lives have been torn because of our separation from God. It also has a little bit of typical New Years Resolution. For example last week they talked about "diets and health" but how we make we can make the strive for dieting and health our idol (I missed that week but I got the gist). This week had been about relationships and how we have gotten distracted from what we really matter. I know I fall pray to this A LOT. Beyond relationships I say I want to write more but after work I come home and I watch mindless television. I keep saying I want to change but I feel stuck a lot of the time... I don't think it has to do with just being done with grad-school.

I have noticed in my life that sometimes when things come along that are challenging instead of taking on the challenge I just give up. I know my mom will read this and remind me that I have written a thesis, moved across country, and other things. And I know those details too but sometimes I feel I give up to easily. I mean I can't ride a bike because it was too hard to ride without training wheels and not that is a huge regret but I feel sometime scared by other moments and other situations I have walked away from because they are just too hard and I sit back and think if I had just tried a little harder would things have been differently? I know lots of people sit back and reflect on their lives and see if there was a point in which things could have changed, especially at this time of the year when we have the whole year in front of us to make changes, to set goals, to feel we can accomplish things we didn't do last year.

One thing my pastor said is a lot of times we tell ourselves "when I do this then I can do this" the example he gave is "when I graduate then I will be able to do ___(fill in blank)___." I have probably said this more than a few times even if not out loud. I have written here that have felt stuck in grad-school waiting for my life to begin. Well now it can begin. Not only is this a new year it is a new time in my life. I don't have to keep putting my life on hold because of school and it feels awesome. I want to do things with my life... I want to begin on making a difference in the world around me. I am not for sure what that looks like, I have though about doing some volunteer work or something. I just know I don't want to be writing a post on Jan. 13, 2016 looking back with regrets wishing I had done something, or wishing I hadn't said that thing I said. I want my 2015 to mean something.

So there you go that is my resolution for 2015, for it to mean something. I will keep you posted on the journey.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Looking Back, Thinking Ahead

Done with my thesis 

Hello lovely readers,

It is Christmas time and I feel this a curious time of year, at least for me. It is a time of reflecting about the year that shortly ending and it is a time that we are preparing for the year to come. 

Looking back at this year I feel this year has been filled a lot with my thesis...and maybe thats how it should have been but lately I have felt I spent so much energy, so much time, and devotion to it that I kind of lost focus on what the most important things are in my life. On mentally preparing this post I began to look through my photos (on Facebook) to remember all that has happened over this year. Some of the highlights have been getting to spend so much time with my family; I spent some time with my family in May, August, October and just recently when my parents came up here to see me present my thesis. If you don't know I live in Boston and my family lives all over so I usually see them only twice a year (minus skype dates) so I feel that has been really neat this year. Another highlight this year has been moving in with my current roommate and friend. Last year (until end of August) it was a struggle with my apartment. I never felt like my last place was home. Moving into my new place has felt like home the moment I started unpacking my boxes.
with niece and nephew in May

So as I began to think about 2014 and everything that happened, there have some parts of it I wish I could put behind me and never think about them again, but I know those moments have shaped me. And instead of looking at them with regret I am going to try to give them over to God and let him use them as moments of development. While 2014 has been a mix of both of ups and downs (as years are) it is what 2015 brings that I am most interested in.

Lately, I have been praying a lot to hear God's voice to feel his guidance but in reality I have felt distant from God. I know He is with me and He is the hope I have anchored my life to. Hebrews 10:23- Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful- has been a verse I have had to repeat to myself a lot through the year. I think it is more true lately as I am coming to terms with the fact I am done with school.

Birthday celebrations 

For 23 some odd years, I have been a student and I have almost placed my identity in the fact I am a student. Especially in undergrad and grad school my life has been about the next homework assignment, the next chapter to read, and the next paper to write. In grad school I felt life was on hold until I finished school and sometimes I felt angry I couldn't do things because I was in school.

I have been praying for God to use me in such a way that I would make an impact in this world for Him.  I have also been praying to hear God's voice and feel His guidance.  But I have felt stuck and sometimes useless. I am not blaming Him for this... actually I am holding myself responsible. Because I know I have filled my life with clutter, I sought fulfillment from temporary things. So one thing I really hope for 2015 that He prune and cut things out of my life that are not from Him. This is going to take work on my end, because it is easy for me to turn on the TV, go on Facebook or Pinterest, listen to Spotify and block Him out. But I don't want to do that anymore.
Being a bride's maid in my friends wedding, in July.
On Monday I prayed:
Lord I pray you lead me. Lord there are so many big questions on my mind now. What do I do for a job? Where do I go from here? Lord I need your guidance with these questions. Lord, you are the only one that makes my life make sense and I pray oh Lord I pray you lead me on. 

Then on Tuesday morning I read the passage: 

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is -- his good, pleasing and perfect will. -Romans 12:2. 

Visiting my sister's family in August...
Sadly my nephew was in the hospital.
With nephew in hospital I got to spend a lot
of time with niece... blessing in disguise 
These things may not seem immediately linked but they are in my mind. I think one thing I really need in upcoming year is to renew my mind and heart in God. In that I believe I will be able to truly know what God wants from me. However, I have no idea what that looks like. 

Over the fall my church went through a series called "Resistance" and it was about remembering why we have the Sabbath, a time of rest, a time of remembering what is important to us, and a time to remember what God has done for us, I think over the last year and especially this last fall I have kind of forgotten that.  I say my faith, my friends and family are the most important things in my life... but I felt distant from those things. I have felt very much like I have been drifting through life, not really making connections. So, another thing I would like in 2015 is to really invest or reinvest in things that are important to me. 

Here I want to say I am sorry to anyone that I was not there for over the last year...even if you understood why I am sorry I got so blocked by other things I could not see what was important. 

Fancy night with roommate. 
On the job front I will take my time to figure things out. Fortunately this year I have been blessed with two part time jobs that have really been relief when I have been stressed about money. I think it is important right now to get things worked out in my relationship with God... so I am not going to dwell on that.

I am thankful for this year I have had the support system (friends and family) that I have had. I don't know how I would have been able to get through the struggles I have gone through... and I promise I will not forget it.

I am excited to see what 2015 has in store for me and I am already starting to shape my New Year's resolutions.

1. Invest or re-invest in the relationships I have
2. Work on transforming my mind in order to understand God's purpose for my life.

Those are 2 pretty big things so I will leave it at that for now... if I fail I will (with God) pick back up and try again.

There are other things I am looking forward to as well in 2015.

1. My sister and brother-in-law are expecting their third baby... from the pics above you can see they make cuties so I am excited for this new little one. 
their birth announcement.
2. My mom and I have been dreaming about and plotting a trip to Paris and now done with school, we have been planning one for May. 
Mom and I from recent trip to Boston 
3. Also I have been thinking about going on another short-term missions trip. I remember how impacting my trip to Honduras was and my church does a trip to the Dominican Republic every year and watching the videos of the trips have made me want to go.
4. I am also looking forward to getting back into doing some of my own fun writing. Though I might be writing more with pen and paper than typing... my eyes are getting tired looking at word document. 

"Mary did you know"-Pentatonix
This has been my favorite song this year. 

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Nomadic life?

I looked up "nomad" and didn't like any of the options
so I thought I would go with a pin from my "Beautiful Escapism" board
Okay I am not a real nomad, I mean I am about to celebrate my 9th year of living in Boston... and even this morning in my prayer time I could not believe how much God has blessed me here in this time. And I honestly can't imagine living anywhere else (though I wish I was closer to my family). But lately I have felt very nomadic. Maybe it is my up coming move or hopefully my last semester of school and my soon impending adulthood but I have felt very unconnected to life and the best way I could describe it to my dad was nomadic.

Let me dad was driving me from Oklahoma City to Dallas (about 3 hours) and we started talking about my life and my future. Ugh I did not have the emotions to talk about this. I hate when I have to admit I have no idea what I want to do in my life (especially to my parents because they are always concerned for me and my dad probably more than anyone as I am doing something he can't really comprehend). I feel I have been in school so long that I am not even sure what the "real world" is. I have also been working on my degree in Library Science, if I was to think of my dream job in that field it would be reference archivist because I would be able to help people with their research but still touch old documents, but I am not really even for sure if that's what I want. And with this mindset and the things I talked about in my previous post (Taking time to reflect) I just couldn't handle this. I tried to explain it to him but all I could say was I feel "very nomadic."

I have frequently said "I have tried to make plans, but God just points and laughs." I am not saying this to say God is being mean but I think sometimes I make plans and then things change (usually for the better...when I look back at it). So I have tried to make any real plans about how I think my life should be as I want to leave myself open for what God has in store and this has been better for me. It is hard I am a planner at heart, but I have pushed myself to give God control of my future. And I do trust that He will take care of me but I right now I really wish that I was more certain with what to do with my life. But right now I am still a little nomad trying to figure things out...

While I am trying to figure things out I always like to keep a list of things I am certain of...

  1. God will take care of me and no problem I face will stop that (but I can't just be passive and wait for God to work I have to be more active)
  2. I have friends and family who support me (I just need to be better about leaning on them)
I think that is all I need. 

I may not be certain of my future and that it entails but one thing I know is that the only time I feel sure about things is when I am writing. I love this blog as my little online journal and a place to share my stories. I will try to post more of both those things but now outside of this blog and my work I will be focused on my move and starting school.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Adulthood Angst....

In my last post I wrote about how I related to Tris because of her angst... in the book she is dealing with first love and trying to find her place in her world. In the book Tris feels she has to make one choice and follow it wholeheartedly, but because she is Divergent she has multiple paths and that is how life is. Thankfully (and sometimes not so thankfully) we all have multiple paths.

I am grad-school and I am almost at the end. I hopefully have one more semester... though I feel I have said this a few times because I had to delay my thesis a few times. This has given me time to think of what I want to do with my life.

When I was in high school I wanted to be Abigail Chase, Diane Kruger, character in National Treasure.  She was a confident, and though she was a history nerdy girl she was was also very sexy. Also, she knew everything about everything, which was cool. For like split second I thought about doing Political Science but then I realized I loved history and escaping into the past. So I decided to pursue history in undergrad. I moved to Boston, on an almost gut reaction, because from almost the moment I visited it felt like it was home. Plus it didn't hurt that it was one of the most historical cities in the US. And basically minus the really cold winters and spells of homesickness I love Boston and I have been blessed with a second family here.

Now I am grad-school, and thinking about my future I often wonder if this path I chose going into library science and history is what I am suppose to be doing. For awhile I thought about leaving everything I know and going on missions. But the more time I thought about it, it didn't feel right. I had a passion for it but over time I lost it and sometimes I feel I have no idea what to do...
Sometimes, it scares me because I am usually a person with a five year plan, but I feel my five year plan has changed a few times. Right now I am embracing I don't have a plan, because right now I can hide behind the idea of just working on my thesis. I can put off real life and trying to be an adult. I guess this why I relate to Tris... she is still trying to make decisions of her life and figure things out.  Fortunately for me I am not also trying to fight a corrupt government (thank goodness).

Even though I am trying to figure things out I am glad I have some solid things to hang on to. I have my family, my second family, my friends, my faith... all these things have held me up and held me together and I a thankful for those. Also I am glad to figure out that like Tris we don't have one path and one choice. 
A previous post Figuring some things out...

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Pin of the week

If you hang out with me for any given amount of time you will learn I love Pinterest. My friends make fun of me saying they I know it is my pin without even seeing who pinned it... usually because it is an old fashion dress. And while I love pinning old fashion dresses and I have found inspirations for my stories there, I love finding great quotes as well (and sharing them with you).
As I posted in my Happy Easter ! post that my church is going through a series "I AM", when Jesus says "I am..." and on the first week we talked about how Jesus calls himself the Good Shepard and he referenced Psalm 23 and though this chapter is frequently referenced and because of that it is easy to skim through it and not take in what it really means. But my pastor challenged us to really try to memorize it. So I wrote it out and posted it to my mirror, that I look into when I am doing my make-up. During my prayer time I have been reflecting what it really means to have God as my Good Shepard.
{my make-up mirror}

Lately, I have been feeling a lack of God's presence in my life and while I have not doubted God and I know He is here. I have been questioning why do I not feel him, then I look at my life and realize I do a lot to block him out. I feel I have some put up so many barriers around me that it is like a wall around my heart. Yesterday, I read James 4:15 "Instead, you ought to say 'if it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that'." And that got me thinking... what is the Lord's will. My dad and I were talking that sometimes we think of God's will as being a tightrope that we get nervous about falling off. And I thought, how true but I think God's will is wide enough to take our imperfections and make them perfect in Him. Which, personally find really awesome because God is not limited to a narrow pathway and we are not limited by fear of falling off.  We can make mistakes, wrong turns, detours, and U turns and God can work with it. 
Today I read Psalm 51:10-12...

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit in me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit away from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

I read the NIV Life Application Bible and it has awesome footnotes, the footnote for this passage said "God wants us to be close to him and to experience his full and complete life. But sin that remains unconfessed makes such intimacy impossible." 

I prayed to God about my pride, my doubts, blocking Him out. I have prayed forgiveness of these things before, and I keep asking for God to be able to feel His presence, but the thing is no matter how many times I asked it is hard to change my habits. I know they say it takes 21 days to change your habits... well I think today is day 1. Instead of turning on the TV right after my quiet time, I turned on some Christian music (yes I am still addicted to noise, but at least this send a positive message) and while listening to music I can do other things (like write this post) instead of wasting hours in a mindless TV show. I am not expecting a miracle overnight but I feel I have to start sometime. 

So what does this have to do with God being the Good Shepard? Well instead of listening to my thoughts "that I can handle this all..." or that "I got this..." I am going to try to find comfort in the knowledge that God is with me and leading me no matter what. I am going to try to put in practice more and more leaning on His hope. I am going to try to stop listening to my doubts and listen to my faith... and maybe one day I can stop saying "I am going to try" and it will actually be true.