A Deeper Update

Hello Lovely Readers,

I have wanted to write a more in depth update on my life... as I felt my last post was a little light and didn't tell you what was actually going on in my life. Most of this is just a tangent.

Last post

To be honest I have been sulking a lot lately. I am going through some changes in my life and I am not exactly sure how to go through them. I don't know how comfortable I am sharing this all on social media... so why am I writing this post? Trust me I have been thinking that as well. As much as I want to share my thoughts, happenings and other things on this blog... I feel sometimes I have to be vague because I don't want my personal life all over the Internet. Okay maybe I am over dramatizing that... I mean I am not that sure how many people actually read this blog. So I come back to this question why am I writing this post?

Because sometimes I feel I get my thoughts out better out in this blog than I do in person. Sometimes I feel more comfortable sharing what I am going through on this blog, where I can assume all my readers are strangers than actually tell people what is going on in my mind... Sounds crazy? I blame being a writer for this. I have always thought I could express myself better in writing than out loud (even if my grammar sucks...sorry).

Lately I have felt like just wanting to escape, life isn't all that bad but I have felt stuck and I also feel like doors are closing around me and I am not sure which way to turn and sometimes it is just easier to give into these feelings than to keep getting out of bed and trying to hold my head up. So maybe that is why is I have gone through so many TV shows because escaping into their reality is easier than dealing with mine.

The idea of escaping or running away is very common for me, so please don't worry about me, it is just a defense mechanism I have. In high school, my school didn't have a lot of windows so I remember the classes in which  I did have windows I would sit and stare out them looking over to the East Bay (maybe I should state I went to high school on the peninsula of San Fransisco and we had a good view of the East Bay). Anyway, I would think about taking Amtrak out of Oakland and head anywhere but where I was... I never did that, I think I was too practical. So with this in my background I find it easier to just want to run away or escape into fictional worlds (either in book, TV, or movies).

I will admit, sadly my walk with God has not been that strong lately, and that is probably the main reason I feel so low. While it would be great to just buck up and get my life together, I am just feeling lost right now. Also I don't know how much desire my heart and mind have to change my circumstances, maybe if they had the desire I would be able to change? Or maybe I should put the words "fake it till you make it?" into play.

I want to act like everything is fine but that is all it is, it is just an act and I am so tired of acting. I am so tired of trying and coming up with nothing.

I feel like a lot of people are telling me how great I am, or how smart I am, or how everything will be okay. I know they are just trying to encourage me but I keep thinking if I am "great" or "smart" why isn't it working out for me. I feel like I am going to let all those people down and that probably hurts me more than anything.

As I was typing this up "Hopeless Wander" by Mumford and Sons came on and I thought the lyrics were actually expressing a little bit was I was feeling

"Hopeless Wanderer"

By: Mumford and Sons

Link

(Not Official Video) 

Love you guys for reading this and sticking with me. Sorry this was kind of a bummer for post in November. I don't know if I will post more or not this month as I am par taking in NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) but I hope to have more to share more with of my story. 

A Quick Little Update

Hello lovely readers,

Since it has been a while since I have updated this I thought I would give a fun update on my life...

Visiting 

The biggest news is my life is that my mom and step-dad have moved up to Burlington, VT!

My step-dad has a new job up in Burlington which is awesome because we haven't been physically close to each other in ten years. I don't know if I expressed this but over the summer I was feeling a major amount of homesickness and a major urge to be close to my family (even thought they are spread out)... I even thought about moving away from Boston that I love to be close to them. While, that may happen one day I am so happy for now I can stay up here. 

Any way the weekend was lots of fun... We went to Stowe, VT which is a picturesque New England town and we experienced the first snow of the season, and yes at this point it was exciting. 

Snow up in the mountains over Smuggles Notch Junction

A very picturesque church

Trying to get a picture with the church sadly the power lines got in too

Event though seeing Burlington and Stowe was fun, I liked seeing my parents and it is nice to know they are so close. 

Reading 

I feel I have not read much lately... I have been using my usual reading time (my commute to work) to get some writing done. It has been beneficial to my writing life but not to my reading. However I have finished my 25th book in my reading challenge... A book about "A lion, witch or Wardrobe" 

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I don't usually read "magic realism" novels... so I thought if I am going to read a novel about witches, Halloween season would be a good time. Besides I found a book about the Edwardian/WWI time period so I felt it would fit nicely into my repertoire. For more about the book, click here.

 I was reading the book Fever Tree about a girl who goes to South Africa in 1890, for the requirement a book about a place you have always wanted to go. However, I found parts of the book too sexual and I thought it best to move on. 

I am on the waiting list at the BPL for the book Circling the Sun about Kenya in the 1930s. I have wanted to go to Africa (well South Africa, Kenya, Egypt, and maybe Morocco) but I understand they are unstable and I cannot afford to pay for that yet. So I am reading about it. 

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While I am waiting for this book... I just picked up Chronicle of Youth at the library and can already tell I want to buy a copy as there are so many passages I want to underline. 

Over the winter I read Vera Brittan's Testament of Youth, her autobiography of her time in WWI. And while the book was great for facts and  some thoughts it is not very feeling. I think she was trying to sound like a scholar and not like an emotional woman. So reading her diary will be an interesting view of her life.

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Writing

My work in progress cover

As I said above I have been getting a lot of writing in, but I am gearing up for National Novel Writing Month... where you try to write 50,000 words in a month. This is my first time that I am not in school since I first learned of this. I am going to bend a rule that I want to continue working on my current story. I really feel my story is coming into focus and shape so I want to continue writing it. I have read some blog post about this and it seems really intense... so I don't know if I will actually be able to write 50,000 words but as this my first time trying I am going to do the best I can but won't beat myself up if I don't get there. 

Getting my November calendar ready

Watching

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Before I went up to visit my parents I went through a major binge watch of Glee. When the show was on I watched the first season, half of the second season, and then just watched episodes occasionally of the 3rd and 4th season but nothing really of the 5th season (minus The Quarterback episode) and none of the 6th season. But YouTube clearly tracking my interest (cheesy musical numbers) kept suggesting videos... finally I got hooked and decided to go through the show on Netflix. 

Song: "Don't Go Breaking my Heart" 

Link 

 Okay I will admit that sometimes the performances are a little cheesy and maybe a little over the top (I noticed this more in the 4th season) but hey who doesn't want to go to school where you get to perform a music video walking down the hall...

Song: "Wanna be Starting Something"

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And not only did they cover classic songs they had a few original songs 

 Song: "Loser like me" 

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Yes there were moments of annoyance where I couldn't stand Rachel and her need to popular, and there were moments when I thought "come on let them be happy," and thought "this is so not logical" but over all I liked it. They fought, they sometimes had pointless breakups, but they still came together as a team to support each other, and they embraced their differences.

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 The only thing that made me truly upset is they way they acted like everyone in high school was having sex and if a character didn't have sex it was a fault of theirs. 

And even though I knew it was going to happen I did cry during The Quarterback episode, where they deal with the death of Finn Hudson (Cory Monteith) because it wasn't just them writing off a character he actually died and as a cast they had to deal with that pain. 

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 Recently I started re-watching Gilmore Girls. Yes I am excited for the revamp of it on Netflix (whenever that happens) but lately I have been feeling like life is not going the way I want and I have been trying to decide what to do with my life. And whenever get in this mood Gilmore Girls always cheers me up. Because this is just great life advice:

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Right now the only show I am watching in real time is Reign. 

(Historical Spoiler):

Sadly, they have already announced that Francis is going to die this season, though I don' t know what episode. I mean I know in history Francis died a year after becoming King, but last season took place almost entirely in the winter, and they have changed so many historical things why do they have to stick with this. Also (Season 2 Spoiler) last season Mary and Francis spent so much time apart that now they are together and happy it hurts to know soon they will be forever apart. 

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Other Things in My Life

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 I have been actively volunteering with Horizons for Homeless Children. It is probably my saving grace every week as being able to play and interact with the children is my biggest stress reliever. I can't take photos of the kids but they are some of the cutest kids.

Looking Forward To

I know it might be silly but one thing I am really looking forward to is Mockingjay part 2 coming out.

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Okay I think this was a good update on my life but before I go just wanted to share one more song from Glee... there were so many good performances but this was probably one of my favorites. 

Song- Mashup: "Rumor Has It/Someone Like You"

Link

The last 30 seconds probably won't make sense unless you have seen the show. 

Life starts all over again...

Hello my lovely readers,

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This feels like an odd time... We have passed Labor Day weekend and everyone is talking about Fall. I will admit I could do with some cooler weather but I am not ready for it to be Fall, I am enough of a "Negative Nelly" that I don't like Fall because that means Winter is coming and I hate Winter. Though I will admit I am looking forward to Pumpkin Spice Lattes, being cozy in sweaters, and I am hoping with cooler weather I will want to cook more in my kitchen. Right now my kitchen feels too hot to cook in but I am not embracing that just because it is after Labor Day that it is now Fall... NO! But it does feel weird now, because Summer does feel over. So this is an in between time.

Doesn't life often feel like this when we are stuck in between seasons we can see a new beginning but we are not there yet? Well maybe it is just me.

Throw back: when my niece and sister came to Boston

There is a great quote from F. Scott Fitzgerald that says "Life starts all over again when it get crisp in the fall." Even up here in New England we are still having some end of summer warmth, though it is apparent the day are getting shorter and sometimes the morning are cool enough I wrap a scarf around my neck (but I just love scarves).

Anyway, I have been feeling for the last couple of months a new beginning is upon me... And things are really happening. Sadly, I cannot put all the changes happening on social media, trust me if I could tell you all I would... but until things are settled I cannot. I am not a fan of change, it usually stresses me out because in change there is something in the unknown. However, as I feel this newness coming on me I have been actively praying to God for him to prepare my heart for what is to come. That is one amazing thing about God, He knows every detail of our lives. He knows our past, present, and future and He truly is control. Many times I think I can handle my own life and I try to be in control and
slowly I start feeling I am beginning to drown.

I am sick of that cycle, so as I felt this "new beginning" feeling I am trying to cling to God.

I pray frequently that my life is in His hands. For we are not promised tomorrow, next month or next year, and I pray that God leads me on while I am on this journey of figuring things out. I know God's future for me is secure and I know He only wants the best for me. This is what I hold onto.

Question: Are you facing a time of newness in your life? Are you clinging on to God?

I will keep you posted on all this.

My world...#Littlelove

 Hey lovely readers,

It has been awhile since I posted a #littleloves post. I feel I need some lightheartedness in my life right now. Hope you enjoy...

Reading

At the end of June my friends had a Yankee Swap style book exchange. What that means is we wrapped up a copy of one of our favorite books and write the genre on the front. Without knowing really anything about the book we picked which book we wanted with Yankee Swap rules of being able to steal. Previously, my friend recommended this book as a part of my 26 Book Challenge.

It is about an author Carrie McClelland, who is an author as she is writing her next novel. Her novel is set in 1708, an invading Jacobite fleet of French and Scottish soldiers nearly succeed in landing the exile James Stewart in Scotland to reclaim his crown. But when Carrie discovers her novel is more fact than fiction, Carrie wonders if she might be dealing with memory, making her the only living person who knows the truth (for more).

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I don't know much about this era in history so it has been fun to read and I will admit that I have looked into more on Wikipedia. Besides the history I have enjoyed about Carrie, and as she is an author it has been great to hear how she goes through the writing process.

Working on

This blog as been really good for me. For most of my writing life I have been very secret about my writing life. I have always seen my writing as very personal because it was my truest way I could escape from whatever I was going through and live a completely different life and I didn't want people to know about me. Then one day someone joked and said "if you don't let someone read your writing how you ever going to be published." I guess they had a point but it took me a few years more till I got this blog. I think this blog and other forces have inspired to share more about my writing. I do share parts of my story here but I am also trying to mention it in my daily conversation. This has been a big struggle because I how personal I view my writing. And yeah it has been easier to share my writing here on this blog...where I am not sure who is reading it then to actually talk about in real life (that might sound backwards).

Exploring

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As I have written about I am not much of a photographer, but I would like to be better at capturing moments so I have set up an Instagram account. Right now I am just trying to understand it. And yes I have already posted a pic of my cat...

Watching

Thanks to Netflix I have been going back and re-watching The Office when it was first on, I was kind of a fair weathered fan, meaning I didn't watch it that much after Jim and Pam got married. I tried watching most of the last season but I don't think I was even successful at that. So I am enjoining re-watching all the cute Jim and Pam moments.

Link 

Listening

In working on my story I have been trying to get in the mindset of my characters, which is sometimes hard for me to do as my story is set during WWI and I live in a world of computers, the internet, Pinterest, YouTube and all other matters of distraction. So one thing I have done is track down albums (thanks to Spotify) to listen to music from WWI. The song "If you were the Only Girl in the World" is probably the most popular now thanks to Downton Abbey but it is amazing what other songs I have found. I have also tried to find movie sound tracks that are set in that era and sometimes I hear a song and I feel it speaks about my characters I have added those songs to my writing playlist. It has made an interesting and fun playlist. 

Here is one of my current favorites: "Distance" by Christina Perri featuring Mary and Matthew

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Monday #Littleloves

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 Hello Lovely Readers,

Through my book challenge and the Twitter #26BookswithBringupBurns I found the blog Typically Ted and found the great badge #LittleLoves

And in the blog it talks about the little loves in your life... so here I go.

It is less than a week from going on my first trip with my mom to Paris. 

My mom and I have been planning this trip for years so I am excited but it seems surreal for it to be coming true. 

 

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Every time I say "surreal" I always think of Noting Hill.

Reading

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 Book 12 in my challenge The Chance fulfills the requirement of reading a book you own but haven't read. My friend gave it to me for my last birthday but I just got around to reading it. It wasn't very long and the story is cute with a good message about hope, forgiveness and second chances. 

Link
Am I the only one who thinks it is odd that books have trailers that are like movie trailers?

Watch

Now that both Park and Rec and Parenthood are over I really only have one TV show that I watch on a usual bases and that is Reign. 

However, I just finished watching the show Turn that was on AMC (through Netflix)

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And I am not ashamed admit that I watched it mostly because of JJ Fields 

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Who yes is a bad guy (well bad if you are rooting for America) but I love him as Mr. Tilney in Northanger Abbey so it was interesting to see him play a bad guy.

Mr Tilney

Also I have started watching Arrested Development for the first time since I did not watch it when it was on TV but I am only a few episodes in and thus far have not felt the need to binge watch it.

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 Wore

 Breaking in new shoes for Paris

Heard

Usually I listen to NPR in the morning while at work and then in the afternoon I turn on my Pandora account. I have a 90's Pop Radio station and I love when an N*SYNC songs come on and I still sing every word.

Planning

Besides my trip to Paris,  I am planning a trip to see my sister and meet my newest nephew. 

From my trip meeting my first niece

Still can't believe that picture was taken more than 5 years ago.

Okay those are my #littleloves for the week. 

A litte updating

 Hello lovely readers,

I know it has been awhile since I have updated this blog about my life. Sorry about that, there seems to be a lot happening all at once. The biggest news is I have got a full time job. If you have been following my blog (or life) you know that I have been going to graduate school for my masters in history and library science. Since October I was working part time for a start up company doing research on mergers and acquisitions. Yes it is not what I studied in school and my dad teasing me about when I am going to go for my MBA. I joke back and say "I won't say never but not in the foreseeable future." I have been learning a lot and I am glad to have a full time job.

My nephew.

In other news I am happy to announce my newest nephew... I have not met him in person but I plan to see him over the summer and he can expect a lot of kisses. Thus far I have only enjoyed seeing in him on FaceTime and he has captured my heart like my other niece and nephews.

Besides the trip to meet my nephew I am looking forward to my first trip to Paris with my mom in May. My mom and I have been planning this trip for years --I am sorry to my friends who I have been talking about it a lot-- we even have a Pinterest board dedicated to our trip (though I will admit most of the board is full of pics of the Eiffel Tower and desserts I want to eat).

Also I am happy to announce that Spring has finally come to Boston. If you have been following the news you know that Boston was buried under a record snow fall this winter, and the thought of Spring seemed so distant from all us. Now the snow has melted away and there seems to be a refreshing newness to the world around us. 

In spite of this, this week seems to have a cloud over it. Here in Boston we remembered the second anniversary of the Boston Marathon bombing and in my heart I remember the Oklahoma City bombing. On the 19th, it has been twenty years since then. It is hard to think that both my home town and my new home have been rocked by destruction. But I like to think of the strength that has grown from these horrible events. I know I did not lose loved one in these events and I was not injured, but I think events like these can make us scared or they can inspire us and make us remember life is fragile and beautiful.

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Finding my passion

I want to blog more, I do I really do but right now I feel I am stuck and I feel I have written the same post over and over.

Today in my quiet time I read Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.. I know I have talked about this book before and yet again I am amazed that in reading it that chapters hit me and speak to me in certain ways. I believe there is almost like a power behind reading a book, article or blog post at just the right time. This chapter was about "love" not romantic love but about loving God and others. The greatest commandment is "Love the Lord God with all your heart and all your mind" the second follows "Love your neighbor as yourself." These two ideas sum up the entire ten commandments.

The chapter focuses on we show our love by our time. When I type it out it sounds simple but is it? I am the first one to admit when I am overwhelmed by life I back away from my relationships and just want to focus on my work. Last semester when I was finishing my thesis I felt I had no life besides my thesis and my relationships with my friends and family took a back seat. I thought this was necessary to get through things. But when I finished my thesis I realized how miserably isolated I had become. I also realized I had true friends and family who supported me through all of it and were so ready to rejoice when I was done.

Some of my support team 

When I first started writing this post I thought about saying I was going on hiatus from blogging while I figure things out. Hence, the "under construction" sign because I feel like my life is under construction... being newly graduated and thinking about what to do with my life.

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Going back to love: I keep saying I want to make a difference in this world. If you have read my blog long enough you are probably getting annoyed with this phrase. Anyway, as much as I say it... I don't do anything. Which, when typing that out seems ridiculous. If I want to do something I should just start. I guess my question is where?

I have a few friends going through job searches and when they say "I don't know what to do with my life," I ask them "what are you passionate about?" I think I need to turn the question on myself and figure out what I am passionate about and turn that into action. 

If my time is my love then I am showing a great amount of love towards Pinterest, TV, and other mindless things. And why? These things are not eternal. They are hardly life giving. So what is eternal? What is life giving?  

The basic and really hard answer is LOVE. 

So I leave this post with more questions than answers but I think I know my next step... find my passion. 

Wrong ladder?

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I was talking to my dad and we got to an awkward part of the conversation about my student loans and my work life. He never wants to put his nose in my business (unless I let him) but as I am his child he is concerned about me. But he knows I am struggling after being done with school with looking for a job and trying to make ends meet (which is true for a lot of fresh graduates). Any way, he said something "I just don't want you climbing up the wrong ladder only to discover it is the wrong ladder."

I wrote that last paragraph on Tuesday and if I continued it his post probably be a "woe is me" post and I have written enough of those lately. While I want this blog to be true to my feelings I don't need to keep writing "boo poor me" post. (Sometimes I am really way to self involved and think only of myself. But there is a whole big world beyond myself and this computer.)
I went to grad-school and got my Master's in Library Science and Master's in History. There were moments when I felt I was going to drop out, not because it was too hard but because I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted to do with my life. I have now finished my degree and I am happy to now have my masters under my belt but it doesn't help me know what to do with my life. I went into Library Science because I wanted to work for the Library of Congress and while that would still be awesome I am not sure if that is my life goal. So I changed my mind I wanted to become a reference archivist. I wanted to help people with their research. Now I have a job as a researcher for a start-up company and it is a good job and often when I leave my desk I know I have helped my boss.

Today, I read the verses:

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to us... If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously... (Romans 12:6-8 NIV)

I have a bright teal post-it in that page that I wrote years ago saying:

I really like reading that verse because I often beat myself up for "not being good enough" that just hurts my self-esteem and I cut down on God's creation. I'm not perfect but God made me beautiful work and I shouldn't be so negative. 

 I think I listen to my negative voices more than anything else. I even told my dad on Monday night that I kept him out of certain areas of my life because I didn't want to disappoint him. He told me that I would never disappoint him. But it is still hard to let go of the voice of disappointment.

I think I am more disappointed in myself (I write that very carefully knowing my mom is a loyal reader of my blog). In high school and college I had a plan for my life... Once I got out of high school I had planned out my life in detail and now I feel like none of those dreams or aspirations are true anymore. And the truth is I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't write that in the "boo hoo" kind of way but just in a very matter of fact kind of way.

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Going back to the verses I read this morning, we all have different gifts that we should use to help improve our little corner of the world. The little notes in my bible said we can't change the whole world by ourselves but the body of Christ can.  

I wrote all that before I wrote my post, Not Forsaken pt.4

Lately I have been feeling passionless and I think its because I have not felt God's presence in my life. I believe God is using this time to help me grow in my patience as I wait till what comes next. I think He is also using this time to see if I will truly trust His guidance. I know I have quoted this friend before but the words keep coming back to me about God wanting our best. But I don't think He is just going to give it to us. He is going to make us wait, struggle and keep hoping for it. I say this not because I think God is cruel... not at all.

But imagine if we got everything we wanted the moment you wanted it. While that sounds great at first I think we wouldn't value the things we had, and we wouldn't appreciate the things we got. I know for example when I got my very first pay check and realized when I wanted to buy something how many hours I had to work to pay for it. It started to put things in perspective and if I really wanted something expensive I would save and wait for it. Then when I got it, it was worth the wait. Sometimes I would want a nice bag (for example) so I would save and wait. While I was saving and waiting I would find an opportunity to go visit my sister (a plane ticket). To me the visit to see my sister was more important than the bag and I could buy both so I would switch my priorities.

I think God is using this time for me to wait and save and to hold out for something better then just temporarily filling my life what might be good and waiting for the best.

I have more thoughts but I feel this post has become quite a tangent. I think I need to refocus my thoughts.

Timid or Playing it Safe pt.2

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Hello Lovely Readers,

It has been over 3 years since I wrote the "Timid or Playing it Safe?" And that was about relationships. But I still question am I being timid?

Last year I thought about going on Missions and one of the countries that was a possibility was Tunisia. But things came up 1) I didn't graduate in May and so I couldn't leave move over seas in September and 2) I got lost my passion for it and I reconsidered going. In a way I forgot about it and completed my thesis and have now graduated school.

With the recent violence in Tunisia my heart has been re-awaken to this country. On the one hand I am happy not to be there because I know my mom and family would be anxious for me. However on the other hand I would want to be there to experience it and be able God's love there in this time of turmoil.

Lately I have come to realized that sometimes I play it too safe. I honestly feel trapped between what I want to do and the the things I have to do. Some one asked me "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?" I thought, I like to travel, I like to write, and help people. How can I can take these passions and actually make a difference?

I don't have an answer to that question. But that is my life right now and I will continue to pray about it. One thing I know for sure is I have to trust God more to work through my timidity.

Thanks for reading this short post as I continue to work things out.

Please answer in the comments below "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?"

Not Forsaken Pt. 4

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 Hello Lovely Readers,

You know when you read something and you feel it was the perfect time to read it. You might have read it before and yet it didn't hit you quite the same way and it felt as this was the right time to read it because it truly spoke to you.  Well that is how I felt this morning as I was going through my quiet time.

I have been reading The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren (so I owe all quotes to him), I tried reading it awhile ago but did not complete it, but last semester as I felt the loom of completing grad-school and having no clue what to do with my life I decided to pick this book back up. I have been reading it occasionally and I am on chapter 14 titled "When God seems Distant." Upon reading that I knew this would be an intriguing chapter for me. Lately, I have been feeling distant from God, I have been feeling like I have been floating through life and not really clinging to anything including God. I guess aimless is the best word to describe it.

It has had me worried because these feelings of aimlessness frequently lead me to feelings of treading water and eventually sinking into mild depression. So when I begin to feel this way I like to take action right away to prevent them from growing. Well I feel I have been going through the motion of trying to prevent these feelings and while I don't feel I have sunk, I have moments where I feel I am treading water.

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Even before I read this chapter I prayed "I am tired of seeking out things to complete me" when those things are just temporary and what I really need it God to complete me. I feel I have said these words (or variations of them) for the last couple of months but nothing has changed. In fact I feel more aimless than I have ever had. I feel like I am in a time of waiting, waiting to see what will come next in my life and I have no idea how long I will have to wait.

Anyway, going back to my reading. I read the line "To mature your friendship, God will test it with periods of seeming separation--times when it feels as if he has abandoned or forgotten you." I mean I know he hasn't, there are numerous scriptures on God not forsaking us. But even still it is hard to reassure myself that He hasn't forgotten about me. Warren points out various verses that point to this fact. However, the verse I like the most about this is John 14:16-18: "And I will ask the Father and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever...I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

 Warren is quick to point out that even though God will never leave us, we may not always feel him, "There are times when he appears to be MIA, missing in action, in your life."  Yep, that is how I feel right now. I filled my journal with this and wondering where God is. I know God is all present, but why I cannot feel that presence in my life. Warren wrote: "When God seems distant, you may feel that he is angry with you or disciplining you for some sin... But often this feeling of abandonment or estrangement from God has noting to do with sin. It is a test of faith--one we all must face: Will you continue to love, trust, obey, and worship God even when you have no sense of his presence or visible evidence of his work in your life?"

Immediately I want to say "Yes!" In reality this will be harder than saying "yes."

I know God is at work in my life because every morning I wake up, everyday I breathe and my heart continues to beat. That alone is him working in me. The fact He created me, the fact that He died on the cross to save me, the fact that He has kept me going every day till now is enough for me to trust him and worship Him. Warren quotes Psalm 37:28: "For the Lord loves the just, and will not forsake his faithful ones." 

While I looked at this time as aimless... I am now going to try to see as a test and reassure myself that God has not abandoned or forsaken me. My favorite verse comes back to me: Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for he who promised is faithful- Hebrews 10:23. I know God know has promised me He will not forget me and that is the promise I hold to because God is faithful in keeping his word.

Writing that doesn't mean this will no longer be a struggle. Writing that means I will try to learn to worship God despite of how I feel and despite of what I am facing.

Warren stated "Tell God exactly how you feel. Pour out your hear to God. Unload every emotion that you're feeling... Didn't you know that admitting your hopelessness to God can be a statement of faith?" I feel I do this but sometimes I feel I sugar coat my emotions to God but God already knows whats in my heart and mind, so why don't tell him actually?

I don't have an answer to this yet, this is all a work in progress. However, even though God feels distant right now I know He is with me and He will not forsake me.

It has been almost two years since I wrote parts 1-3ish click here to read more.