Thursday, October 17, 2013

Fall Confession

Hello readers,

I have a confession to make in the past I have been a "negative nelly" about autumn because autumn means winter is coming, but this year I have been enjoying it. The street I live on has lots of trees and they are all changing colors and it is great to be walking and having leaves fall down around you. Last night I was kind of having a "ho-hum" day and as I was walking a bit of breeze hit and leaves fell down. I said "Thank you Lord." It was just a little moment of calm and happiness.

Us waiting for the bus at the airport...
we were so happy to see each other
Also this last weekend my sister and niece came to visit and watching her enjoying the fall--crunching on the leaves, drinking hot chocolate, and every thing else was just made my heart so happy. (Plus just being with my niece makes me happy).

Walking through the Gardens
Visiting Mrs. Mallard
"Make Way for Ducklings"
Enjoying the sun... playing on the Greenway
I had a great stay-cation and I love showing off this city that I love so much.

Also I think right now God is teaching me to live in the present and enjoy it, not just to keep thinking about the future. I am going to enjoy this fall (even with the knowledge that winter is coming) and be thankful for the present.

This will be hard because I know I spend a lot of time thinking of the future, I have a weird nostalgia about the future thinking things will be better or that things will make sense. But I have to remember God is preparing and molding me now for what He has for me. So NOW my focus should be to learn what He wants from me in the present and not be so focused on what is beyond my control.

Hope you guys have a great fall!

All three of us enjoying the sun. 

Thursday, October 3, 2013

Figuring some things out...


I am sorry I have not posted more, I do not know how professional or even non-professional bloggers post every day or even once every week. I did it during the summer but now my brain is frozen. So I posted a life update  in September (actually my only post from September), but looking back on it the post seemed a little light and fluffy and I have been adamant that my blogs are not just going to be light and fluffy. So here is what has been going on behind the scenes...

In August I wrote a "Dear Anne" letter but I never published it because it seemed a bit "boo-me", however I feel I am still working on some of these emotions... 

Dear Anne,

I know it has been awhile since I have written, I was beginning to feel confident in myself and writing about my deeper thoughts without having to write to a fictional person. However, right now I feel I can only express myself if I write to you.

Best Buds
Dearest Anne, I am feeling a little lost, a little lonely, and a little empty. I would like to say my mind is just being overloaded with my move and packing up my place and that could be it... but I think it goes deeper than that. I think it started when I got back from my family reunion, as great as it was, I will say I felt very lonely during it. My younger sister and cousin, I kind of felt we grew up together and whenever our family got together it was the 3 of us together... one year we went to Branson, Missouri and we made the shirts that said "Best Buds". This year I went and my younger sister had her husband and my cousin had her finance... and I didn't have anyone and I think it hit me truly that I am very single and I felt a little left out. I don't want to be all "boo me"... so sorry. (L and C if you read this please know I am completely happy for you and nothing I said about being lonely takes away that feeling of happiness I have for you.)
We so silly

Lately I have been coming to terms with my insecurities and how low I feel about myself. My co-worker and I grabbed dinner one night after work and she called me out. She said "Blaire, your faith is about loving people, but I don't think you love yourself as much as you love others." I couldn't even respond because if I did I would have to say "yes" and then cry. Then in my bible study we are going through some questions we have with our faith and I was inquiring about "humility" vs. "insecurities". I was reminded that 1)God created me in His image 2) God makes His home in us and 3) calls our bodies a temple... I have a warped since of image if I cannot see that and I need to trust my image and hand over my insecurities more and more to God. So I have been reading passages about being made in "God's image" so far my favorite has been from Colossians 3:1-17.

I have also been looking into passages about purpose. After last semester I have felt a little passion-less for Library Science, for school, and really life. I am putting a lot of hope in this semester with taking a children's librarian class and my internship... I am really wanting these classes will spark my passion for libraries. Earlier this summer I was really feeling like dropping out of school, and what was holding me back was the knowledge I only had a year left. Right now my plan is to finish school... hopefully May 2014. Then when I am working full time look into creative writing classes. Even if it doesn't become a profession when I am writing, writing feels like it is the only thing I should be doing. That fulfills one plan and sounds great on paper, but it is not all of me.

Lately (even pre-move) I have had these feelings of being un-settled. I know I am "stuck" in Boston at least until I finish school, but after that I don't know what is going to happen. To be honest I have thought about packing up and moving. I have thought about moving to Texas to be closer to sister and her family, I have thought about moving to D.C. to pursue my dream of working for the Library of Congress, and I have thought about going into overseas missions. I am not sure if I really want to be doing overseas missions, but when I was in Honduras I just fell in love with being in a completely new culture and being filled by giving to others. The other week I was talking to my dad and he joked I could end up in Uganda, he then said "I don't know what library you would work for in Uganda" and I quickly responded "Oh if I went to Uganda, I wouldn't be doing library work, I would be doing Living Water." "So nothing related?" he asked. "Nope, nothing related." There is still so much I want to do with my life. Of course I think about staying here in Boston, sometimes the thought of leaving Boston hurts too much. I have made friends, a second family, I know and love Boston.
old pic...this is my best friend's baby
and my heart melts every time she calls me
"Aunt Bear"
Since the first time I came here I have felt like Boston is my home (where I fit), but lately it hasn't felt true. So I am praying right now for God to direct me, but that is all in the future... 

I am wondering what God wants in my life right now. I know God has a reason for me to here in Boston and in school, even I don't know that that is. I am asking God to show me.

I know one thing I need to work on is being more social. I don't think I need to make more friends, though I have loved the new friendships I have made over this summer, but I think I need to go deeper. I have a hard time being vulnerable with people, and admitting I need help. Lately I have felt very overwhelmed with life and kind of want to run away and hide but that is not a reality and I don't think that is what God truly wants from me. So I have had to ask people for help and it has been really hard, but I am hoping through God is teaching me about his control and to rest in his strength.

Sorry this is so long I guess after not writing for so long, I guess I had some words to say.

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Literary Fear Conquered

Back in July I wrote a post about my Literary Fear where I admit I was afraid to read anything by Charles Dickens (among others)... well I am happy to say as of Sunday night I conquered that fear by finishing Little Dorrit. It took me long enough I must say, but to be fair I did read The Fault was in our Stars and The Secret Garden  while I was reading that book, and the book is about 780-800 pages (depending on the edition). Even with all this going on I still felt like this book took me way to long to get through, so I am happy that I had the miniseries to watch to remind me a) what was going on because Dickens is very wordy and b) why I am actually reading it. Anyway, I am happy to have my first Dickens behind me and maybe now every summer I will conquer on more literary fear.

For those who don't care about my literary fears I am sorry I have posted so little lately... I do have a blog post in mind, I am just trying to think of the words to say.