If God is with you... (part 2)

Hello faithful readers,

In the first part of this reflection, I lingered in Gideon’s encounter with God, the questions, the hesitation, and the quiet reassurance of God’s presence. But as I sat with the story longer, I began to realize something: Gideon’s questions sound a lot like my own. 

For part one, click here. 

Part one

From this study, I noticed twice that God promised to be with Gideon. And this is not a promise limited to Gideon. God makes this promise in Exodus, Joshua, it is the last verse in Matthew... “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (28:20), Jesus is also called Emmanuel, which means “God with us,” and “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us...” (John 1:4).

Also, I noticed how much I am like Gideon:

1) In asking God, why has all this happened? And yet I know (sometimes) the mess I am walking through is because of the mistakes, the sins I have done—I know God forgives and redeems, like God pulled the Israelites out of the hands of the Midianites, but also you have to deal with the mess (the consequences of sin). Gideon asks the Angel, “Where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about...” And I feel kind of blatantly put God on trial, saying “But now the LORD has forsaken us...” (v.13) And maybe it is not an accusation but a cry of his heart?

How many times have I felt forsaken? And I just have to cling to the promise that God does not abandon or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Joshua 1:5; 1 Chronicles 28:20; and Hebrews 13:5). But then sit there and wonder if those words are true, and cry out again.

2) Gideon saying, “If I have now found favor in your sight, then show me a sign...” How many times have I wondered if I have favor with God? Am I worthy of asking for anything when I’m sure I fail a thousand times (a day)?  

But even in that, I have God’s assurances, “And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it” (John 14:13,14). I am not a name-and-claim-it kind of person, because there are passages that speak of asking according to His will. But in time of wondering, my dad sent me a card with the verse 1 John 5:14 written on it.

-Now this is the confidence we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  

3)Do I ask for signs? And am I confident that He will do the signs (if necessary)? If He does sign, do I recognize them, or like Gideon, do I ask for one more sign?

Wrapping this up, I will say in verse 34 it says, “But the Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon...” Even in Gideon's flaws, God still gives him His presence.

I am reassured by verses like this and others that God grants me His presence.

-I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in Him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

-in whom you are also being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit. (Ephesians 2:22)

-But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. (1 Peter 2:21)

As I close this reflection, these are the questions I’m still sitting with:

• Where am I asking God for reassurance, even after He has already spoken?

• What promises of God am I struggling to believe right now?

• And maybe the question isn’t whether God is present, but whether I am willing to trust Him when He is? 

• Curious if you are brave enough to answer, where do you see yourself in Gideon’s story?

A terebinth tree

I guess this is how I imagine a terebinth tree in Israel, being this shady place to rest in the cool of the day, and since God would know where to meet us in the shade and in the cool places, and as God is to be our rest maybe this is why He hangs out in the terebinth trees to reveal Himself in the Old Testament.

If God Is With You… Why Does It Feel Like This?

Hello faithful readers, 

As I have said, one of my goals in life and with this blog is to write a Bible study... for this perfectionist, that is a big undertaking. Like, who am I to write a study? Where would I start? Am I even qualified? Well, after thinking, overthinking, and rethinking about it (a common habit of mine), I finally sat down and wrote one (well 2 blog posts), but I hope to write more.

Thanks for your support! 

Gideon with an angel... I'm assuming consuming the rock with fire

I have been going through a time of questions, and late in 2025 and earlier this year, I felt my prayers were going no further than the pages of my journal. I was left wondering, “Where is God?” “What does He desire?” And “Does He actually hear me?” This brings me to the story of Gideon (Judges 6).

The Angel of the Lord comes and sits down under the terebinth tree (v.11).* And the Angel says to Gideon, “The Lord is with you, mighty man of valor.” I highlighted that in green because it is a promise, and I wrote a “W” next to it, to remind me when God says He is with us. And Gideon asks if the Lord is with us, then why has all this happened?

The “all” he is referring to is that the Midianites have attacked and oppressed the people. It seems kind of a funny question because in verse 1, it is stated, “Then the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD. So the LORD delivered them into the hands of Midian. But God promised the Israelites in Deuteronomy 28:

-The Lord will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give rain to your land in its season, and to bless all the work of your hand...And the LORD will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath, if you heed the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you today, and are careful to observe them (v.12,13).

-But it shall come to pass, if you do not obey the voice of the LORD your God, to observe carefully all His commandments and His statutes which I command you today, that all these curses will come upon you (v.15)

Now I am going to go out on a limb and say that with the Israelites doing evil in the sight of the Lord, they were not doing as God commanded. So God was punishing them — or, as I like to think of it, correcting them so they would turn back to God.

In verse 14, the NKJV states, “The LORD turned to him,” (not the angel but the LORD) and says, “Go in the might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the Midianites. Have I not sent you?” I highlighted that in green too.

Then Gideon says, “If now I have found favor in Your sight, then show me a sign it is You who talk to me.” (v. 17). If you know the story of Gideon, he is famous or infamous for asking God three times about the fleece, whether it would be wet or dry (v.36-40). This is not that part of the story. Here, Gideon prepares a young goat and unleavened bread, puts the broth in a pot, and sets them under the terebinth trees. The Angel of God tells him to take the food, put it on a rock, and from the Angel’s staff he touched the meat and the bread, and fire rises out and consumes it, then the Angel departs (v. 19-21). Now Gideon realizes he has seen an Angel of the LORD face to face (v.22). Then the LORD said to Him, “Peace be to you; do not fear, you shall not die.” (And yes, I highlighted that in green too). And Gideon builds an altar and calls it THE-LORD-IS-Peace. (YHWH Shalom)” (v.23,24). 

Gideon’s story doesn’t end with answers; it begins with a question: Is God really with me?

In Part 2, I want to explore why I see myself so clearly in Gideon, and how God meets us when our faith wavers, our confidence is thin, and our questions feel unanswered.

*Side note: Someone could probably write a whole Old Testament study on terebinth trees; they seem to be very important. The Lord appears to Abram by the terebinth tree in his tent (Genesis 18). And Isaiah compares Israel to a terebinth, as from Israel’s stump, God would produce a holy seed (6:13). 

A terebinth tree 

As I was looking for the above picture found a quick YouTube video about terebinth trees

Timid or Playing it Safe pt.2

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Hello Lovely Readers,

It has been over 3 years since I wrote the "Timid or Playing it Safe?" And that was about relationships. But I still question am I being timid?

Last year I thought about going on Missions and one of the countries that was a possibility was Tunisia. But things came up 1) I didn't graduate in May and so I couldn't leave move over seas in September and 2) I got lost my passion for it and I reconsidered going. In a way I forgot about it and completed my thesis and have now graduated school.

With the recent violence in Tunisia my heart has been re-awaken to this country. On the one hand I am happy not to be there because I know my mom and family would be anxious for me. However on the other hand I would want to be there to experience it and be able God's love there in this time of turmoil.

Lately I have come to realized that sometimes I play it too safe. I honestly feel trapped between what I want to do and the the things I have to do. Some one asked me "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?" I thought, I like to travel, I like to write, and help people. How can I can take these passions and actually make a difference?

I don't have an answer to that question. But that is my life right now and I will continue to pray about it. One thing I know for sure is I have to trust God more to work through my timidity.

Thanks for reading this short post as I continue to work things out.

Please answer in the comments below "what would you do if you broke out of your comfort zone?"

Nomadic life?

I looked up "nomad" and didn't like any of the options
so I thought I would go with a pin from my "Beautiful Escapism" board
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Okay I am not a real nomad, I mean I am about to celebrate my 9th year of living in Boston... and even this morning in my prayer time I could not believe how much God has blessed me here in this time. And I honestly can't imagine living anywhere else (though I wish I was closer to my family). But lately I have felt very nomadic. Maybe it is my up coming move or hopefully my last semester of school and my soon impending adulthood but I have felt very unconnected to life and the best way I could describe it to my dad was nomadic.

Let me explain...my dad was driving me from Oklahoma City to Dallas (about 3 hours) and we started talking about my life and my future. Ugh I did not have the emotions to talk about this. I hate when I have to admit I have no idea what I want to do in my life (especially to my parents because they are always concerned for me and my dad probably more than anyone as I am doing something he can't really comprehend). I feel I have been in school so long that I am not even sure what the "real world" is. I have also been working on my degree in Library Science, if I was to think of my dream job in that field it would be reference archivist because I would be able to help people with their research but still touch old documents, but I am not really even for sure if that's what I want. And with this mindset and the things I talked about in my previous post (Taking time to reflect) I just couldn't handle this. I tried to explain it to him but all I could say was I feel "very nomadic."

I have frequently said "I have tried to make plans, but God just points and laughs." I am not saying this to say God is being mean but I think sometimes I make plans and then things change (usually for the better...when I look back at it). So I have tried to make any real plans about how I think my life should be as I want to leave myself open for what God has in store and this has been better for me. It is hard I am a planner at heart, but I have pushed myself to give God control of my future. And I do trust that He will take care of me but I right now I really wish that I was more certain with what to do with my life. But right now I am still a little nomad trying to figure things out...

While I am trying to figure things out I always like to keep a list of things I am certain of...

1. God will take care of me and no problem I face will stop that (but I can't just be passive and wait for God to work I have to be more active)
2. I have friends and family who support me (I just need to be better about leaning on them)

I think that is all I need. 

I may not be certain of my future and that it entails but one thing I know is that the only time I feel sure about things is when I am writing. I love this blog as my little online journal and a place to share my stories. I will try to post more of both those things but now outside of this blog and my work I will be focused on my move and starting school.

Spiritual Jealousy

Dear Anne,
Is it okay to be jealous of some one because you wish you were  where they are spiritually, I mean? 

As you probably know from my lack of letters I have taken some time off from life to focus on finishing my semester. This meant not going to my usual Bible study and not really reading the Bible on my own. (Which, I know is not good but in the moment it felt like what was needed). Before the craziness of April I felt I was really growing (see Discovering my Mountain) but now I feel stunted again as if no growth happened and I am not happy about it. I mean I am not surprised because you can't walk away from any relationship for a month and expect it to be the same after that time. But I guess in some way I was naive and thought I would be in the same growing spot. I am not. I feel my relationship with God is kind of lifeless. 

What is worse, is when I finally came back to my Bible study, some of the girls I was closest too...seemed changed, better even. Better may not be the right word but they definitely seemed like they were growing in their relationship, they were desiring God more, and they were obeying God willingly. And though I know it is not right to be jealous of them, I was. The next day when I was having my quiet time I prayed saying "I wish I was them." Then through that I realized I look up to them one for her complete obedience to God, one for how strong they were and never seeming to doubt God's timing, and one for her genuine and generous love. So maybe I shouldn't be jealous of them maybe I should strive to be like them. And I do. I think God has given me these three in particular because he wants me to use them as models of how I want my life to be. The real question is how do I it? 

This is an a question I don't have an answer to. I do my quiet time, I go to church, and I go to Bible study but it doesn't seem to making a difference in my growing the other times in my life I don't feel changed by God. How sad is that? I know he is here, I know in some way he is guiding me but I don't really feel changed. I wrote this in "Discovering my Mountain": 

As much as I write about hope... I still don't know what it means to hope in the Lord and in that I don't know what it means to truly trust in the Lord.  I know to trust in the Lord in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord has a perfect plan for me and in that I trust. I also know when I try to take control over my life it feels like it falls apart. But on a day to day basis, I don't know what it means to Trust in the Lord, so I keep circling this mountain. 

I am still at the same point and I don't know how to move on. I don't know how to venture further then where I am right now, and I don't really like where I am (in this lukewarm relationship with God, where I could take it or leave it and more often then not leave it). I don't like it and I am pretty sure God doesn't like it so how can I move beyond this? 

I don't expect you to have the answer but now that I am done for the summer this is something I would like to work on. 

I hope to write more later,
-Blaire

I don't know why but I like this picture. The tree stump was from a tree taken down in Hurricane Irene (2 years ago) and now these daffodils bloom here. Daffodils have become my favorite flower as they are one of the first to bloom and that means we have made it through the winter...a great sign of hope.

Discovering my Mountain

Dear Anne, 

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I have just finished my 3 part blog posting on "Not Forsaken". If you have not read them I hope you will because otherwise this letter will not make a lot of sense. At the bottom of the 3rd post I wrote about how my friend keeps telling of me of a mountain that when God has something he wants to teach us and we ignore Him we will circle around a mountain but never actually able to climb it. As beautiful as I think mountains are I have never been an outdoorsy person. So I apologize ahead of time if I lose the analogy. 

Anyway, the idea of this mountain and circling around it comes from the Old Testament, the story of the Israelite's and their wandering through the desert as they wait to enter the promise land. (Sorry I am also not a big Old Testament scholar so forgive me if I miss quote something). But the Israelite's are lead out of Egypt (and their slavery) by Moses and Aaron and very soon after entering the desert they begin to complain and grumble about how God has abandon them. First they decide to build an altar and make an idol and say that Baal (the golden calf) brought them out of the Egypt. Then at one time they want to return back to Egypt and go back to their harsh life of slavery as they think it will be better than their lives in the desert with God. Because they are not following God they are left to wander the desert. But God has not abandoned them. It is written that a cloud of smoke by day and fire by night lead them (Deuteronomy 1:32,33). Even with having God's presence they still grumble and did not always trust in God. Before I go criticizing the Israelites I should stop, how many time have I grumbled and not trusted God? And so many times when I read the Old Testament I realize I am much like the Isrealites.  I may not have God's presence like a cloud of smoke but I definitely have God's presence in my life. So let me move on...

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As I was working on my 3 post for "Not forsaken" and reflecting on all my post I have already written I discovered something. As much as I write about hope... I still don't know what it means to hope in the Lord and in that I don't know what it means to truly trust in the Lord.  I know to trust in the Lord in the grand scheme of things. I know that the Lord has a perfect plan for me and in that I trust. I also know when I try to take control over my life it feels like it falls apart. But on a day to day basis, I don't know what it means to Trust in the Lord, so I keep circling this mountain. 

how I imagine letting go
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I will admit that I have a fear of not being "good enough." So sometimes I feel I have to watch every step to make sure I am being "perfect" (even though I know perfection cannot be reached). I fear that I am not "good enough" people will see me as the wreck (I feel I often am) and they will stop loving me. So when I think things are going bad in my life, I try to take control in the situation, and fix myself. Though when I try to take control of the situation I slip, I fall and world seems even worse off than when I started. I know it is because I have pushed God away because I want control. So I go around the mountain again. I feel this is a constant pattern in my life. But I am going to change it... so I can go up the mountain and experience all of God's goodness and grace.

As I said I am not an outdoorsy person so I don't really know how to climb a mountain. In fact the last time I climbed a mountain was almost 6 years ago and there was a marked path and I had a group of friends and leaders. While I have no marked path here, I know I have God. I have friends and I have lots of people who speak great truth in my life. 

So I hope to learn how to climb this mountain. 

-Blaire

Delight yourself in the Lord

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Hello Lovely Readers,

It is another cloudy day in Boston and on cloudy days there is nothing I love more than sitting on my bed, sipping on coffee and getting some writing done. I find cloudy/rainy days to be so inspiring. Fortunately today my morning class was cancelled so I could sleep in a bit and then wake up slowly, do my quiet time, and now sit here and write this post. 

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

-Psalm 37:4

I know that verse is used a lot. At first reading it should seem like that God should give you whatever you desire/want. So many times we do not get what we want. Does that mean this verse is a lie? No. I think this verse tells us there is a process (a process I am still learning).

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart- Jeremiah 29:13. The most important part in these verses is the Lord. When we seek God with all our hearts, we will find God. When we delight ourselves in the Lord that is when we get the desires of our hearts. Often times I pray "I want this and I want that" and when I don't get I give up and usually pout and complain. That is not where prayer should stop. 

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I have written about this in other posts that this summer that I heard the phrase "God always has the best for me in mind" and this has really changed my thinking. I know God has the best for me, but what is my best? It is His best. This means I won't always get my way and I won't always get what I want but at the end of the day His best will come through (if I follow Him) and it will be better than I ever could imagine. My best is not wealth, success, or a comfortable life; it is His will being done through me. 

Right now, I still have about a year and half till I finish school and then I don't know what is going to happen after I graduate. So I am not going to wait until the last minute to pray to God for His decision I am beginning to pray right now. I have told God countless times what I want, so I don't need to lay that out any more because he knows. What I am asking Him now that if my desires don't match His desires that He changes my heart. Then I ask if my desires do match His desires that He gives me patience to wait in Him. Then I realized it is not just about being patient, I want God to use this time to prepare my heart and mind for what is next. I know God is using this time that I am single and in school to prepare me for what is next in my life... whatever that may be.

Delight yourself in the Lord  I think really means putting what He wants for/from me as my first goal. I am still learning what that means. The more I put His desires first the more my heart will change; then my desires will completely line up with His desires; and that is when I will get the desires of my heart. This is a process and will always be a process because we are more inclined to seek after what we want instead of submitting to God for what he wants.

I know this post might seem like a lot of rambling, and it is a bit, mostly because I am still figuring out what all this means. But there are two things I want to express in this post that I am learning: first God has provided everything I need for this moment, if He hasn't given it to me then I don't need it; second it is not about what I want it is about what He want for/from me.

I read this today in my quiet time, I had highlighted it years ago but I loved how true it was for all what I am praying about...

 I’ll make them of one mind and heart, always honoring me, so that they can live good and whole lives, they and their children after them. What’s more, I’ll make a covenant with them that will last forever, a covenant to stick with them no matter what, and work for their good. I’ll fill their hearts with a deep respect for me so they’ll not even think of turning away from me.“‘Oh how I’ll rejoice in them! Oh how I’ll delight in doing good things for them! Heart and soul, I’ll plant them in this country and keep them here!’- Jeremiah 32: 39-41 (The Message)