Showing posts with label loving heart. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loving heart. Show all posts

Monday, June 29, 2015

Can't Just Sit By

Hello lovely readers,

I have had a few thoughts on my mind about this weeks "My World Monday" and I want to let you know what's going on in my life but before I start I want to say "thank you" to you guys my readers. I know I have gone back and forth on this blog from posting a lot to not posting at all. I know I have changed my mind on the focus of this blog a few times and I have probably left you wondering "what is going on in her head" so thank you for staying with me through all my transitions.

Second I want to say that as much as I love this blog... it is going through more transitions. I want this blog to feel comfortable and personal. For people who know me in real life I want this blog to sound genuine and true (I don't want this blog to be a false persona). For the people who don't know me in real life I want you to feel connected. I am trying to blog about the truths in my life from the highs to the lows and all the in between. One transition you might notice is that I am trying to set up a blogging schedule (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday). I am not a professional blogger so I am sure I will miss some days but I hope you guys will stick with me. Another transition I am trying to make is getting my blog more professional (at least in looks). There a few blogs I follow closely and I would love to have more their style, but I still want this blog to be comfortable.
I don't know why but for some reason I picture a big comfy reading chair when I think about how I want this blog to feel. So I will still be posting about my faith, my obsession with period dramas, my writing, the books I am reading and other various things I enjoy. But I have added advertisement to this blog in hopes of getting a little bit of money while doing something I enjoy. There might be some other changes a long the way but as I am not a professional blogger it might come in bits and pieces.

Third, I want to say "I am sorry". I feel sometimes I hide behind my books, my stories that I am writing and even this blog to hide what is really going on in my life and in my heart.

I think I hide because it is easier to share only part of the truth, the truth I like, than to share some things that hurt me to write out. But a blog seems safe, minus a few people I know who read my blog for the most part my readers are anonymous. So in that way I feel I can express myself better with you my readers than sometimes my own friends. But in other ways I can't... I know many readers are anonymous and we will most likely never meet but I still hold myself back because I fear judgement. I fear that if I say to much you may not like what I say and stop reading. I fear that if I speak out for things I believe in I will be called a hypocrite.

I have made mistakes, I have held grudges and I admit I let those grudge fester inside me that they have turned to hate. And I feel like a hypocrite in that way because I claim to love God and Jesus and the Bible talks endlessly about loving people. Yet somehow dislike and bitterness are easier for me than love. I love my family and my friends but the Bible says "love your neighbor as yourself" and I fail miserably at this. So I am sorry.

My church has been doing a series called "Forward" about the story we are moving forward with our money, in our families and in our community. As much as I pretend on the outside to be fine, I know with my thoughts and actions I am not moving the Good News forward.

One thing I have noticed in both my prayer time and in this blog is I talk a lot about changing and doing things but I don't really move towards change. So I can't just sit back, I can't just hide behind my books, or my stories anymore. If I want to change things I am going to have to get going. So this will probably be the biggest transition this blog and my life will be going through. For example: I can't just say I want to be a writer I have to actually get writing. And I can't just say I want to make an impact on this world and do nothing. So the first thing I am going to do is make to get invested in my community around me (not sure exactly what that means but I am keeping my eyes open). 

So I can't just sit by anymore... I hope you will stay with me as I go through this journey.

Friday, September 12, 2014

"Busy Nothings"

I love Period Dramas and I am so happy to find so many bloggers have a love for them too... probably my favorite thing about blog is that you can find a little community of other people who love the same things as you do.

Anyway, I was inspired by Miss Dashwood's post title "A Quick Succession of Busy Nothings" a line from Jane Austen's Mansfield Park. It seemed to be a fun way to tell her readers what is happening in her life. She said in her post that she doesn't update her readers much on what is happening with her life... Well that is not the same for me as for the most part I use this blog as an online journal but I liked her format so I am coping it. Though I have to change some of the topics as I don't sow or act.

So here we go my "Busy Nothings"...

~~Reading As school is starting I decided to end my "Summer Reading" list, but this does not mean I have stopped reading. I am currently reading two books (usually something I can't do well). One is The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis. And The Winding Road by Cynthia Harrod Eagles. This is apart of her Morland Dynasty series that have become addicted at least the ones about the Edwardian time period and WWI. This book is about 1920's and all the flash of the Jazz Age.
My favorite book of hers
Full of great descriptions of Edwardian Society
~~Listening I listen to a great a variety of things from Country (as long as its not to twangy), folk, some pop, musicals, and Christian. But lately I have been enjoying Mumford and Sons, All the Sons and Daughters, for King and Country, and Mercy Me. But my go to song has been "Arms" by Christina Perri. I fell in love with it when I saw a fan made video of Parks and Rec music video set to that song.
I know I have featured this video before but I still love it.

~~Decorating As I have said a lot on this blog... I have moved into my new apartment. And I am happy to say I feel very settled into this new place. Also I have wall in the living room that is very much my fashion wall. Fortunately my roommate and I have very similar taste or she doesn't mind my obsession with vintage fashion.
My wall
I am also going through and "re-decorating" my blog. I have changed the background and I have taken down my "good reads" section on the side and replaced it with some quotes. I had those "good read" books up for close to 2 years and I thought it was just time to mix things up...don't want this blog to get stale. Might do some other changes but essence of this blog will be the same.

~~Painting I have never been a big person to paint my nails... at least, it seemed like a hassle and painting my right hand looked like the work of Jackson Pollack. But after my friend's wedding, my nails looked so pretty I have tried to make more of an effort painting them.
Picture of Bridal party

Probably my favorite picture of the night... not because I am in the front
but because it was such a cute moment.

~~Watching probably too much TV. My new roommate has awesome cable... I haven't had this much cable since my dorm years and I must say it is addicting. Today I discovered Boy Meets World has reruns on MTV2.

~~Working work is work not much changes but I am trying to get my mind wrapped around the idea of finishing school and entering the "real world." Still not sure if library science is truly what I want to pursue... but right now I need to just focus on finishing school. Until I do enter the "real world" I am going to enjoy days to sleep in and naps.

~~Anticipating There is currently a lot I am anticipating... being done with Grad School (though that comes with a lot of angst as well as some good things). Lots of people look forward to fall but I am just enough as a pessimist to know fall means winter is coming and I hate winter (it last way too long) but I am looking forward to Pumpkin flavors everywhere. I think the one thing I am looking forward the most is my sister having another little nugget.
This was their announcement
I love being Aunt Blaire and so far my sister and brother-in-law have made cute kids so I am totally excited for this little one to come a long. 

~~Writing the answer should be obvious... my thesis, But as the next topic is "Studying" I will say I am writing my story The Grand Days (working title). I am doing a mix of both writing it and typing it up. I have never been one to stare at a blank screen and write creatively so I always have to hand write my stories. Then as they progress I start to type them up.

~~Studying As I have stated a few times. This semester I am writing my thesis. So I am learning a lot about working women's lives and their fashion at the turn of the 20th century. I am hoping to see how this liberated women before they got the vote. I wrote an undergraduate thesis and for that I wrote about the antebellum movement to get rid of the corset...which as you know was not successful. I was kind of hoping in this time I would find women throwing out their corsets but I haven't found much literature on that. But I have found a lot of literature on more and more women being in control of their own money and therefore found more freedom that way... that might be my approach.
A classic picture of a clerical worker

~~Reminders I love motivational quotes so I have a rather large pinterest board on them... but its probably time for me to start reading them
-John Green

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Reflection from Honduras

Me holding a Honduran baby... made my day.
Do you notice the coconuts?

Hey lovely readers,

I am still doing reflection on my trip to Honduras. I am also still waiting for my old school film to be developed but my friend took this picture of me and this Honduran baby. 

If you know me, you know I LOVE children so worked on the Hygiene team as a part of our trip. This means I was teaching children about healthiness: proper nutrition; how to treat diarrhea; how to wash hands properly; brushing teeth; and how to use the pump properly (picture in last post of pump). Then we did bible lessons. We taught two classes in the morning for younger kids and then two classes in the afternoon for the older children. Also we played hop scotch and did jump rope with the kids. I attempted soccer or futbol but I stunk. The younger kids, first to sixth grade, really touched my heart and working/playing with them really brought a joy to my heart 

One afternoon when machinery was broken our "tour guide" and translator took us on the tour of the village. (I promise I will have pictures.) In the village we saw a mix of houses some were nice-meaning 50% of homes had water, probably no electricity, and no A/C- and a few were mud huts. 
At the house in the picture, this guy had coconuts and he noticed us admiring them and he offered some of them to us and would take no money for it. Then I was admiring his little boy and his wife just came up to me and put him in his arms. Then as we were leaving the grandma offered us oranges. They were so generous.

On our last day all the little kids gave us hugs and kisses. Then at the dedication ceremony the little girls wanted to be close to me (picture in last post). I made an impromptu speech about how their faces will live in my memory forever and one little girl shouted "ours too (in Spanish)." I knew that when I was going down there I was there to serve them and but I felt they blessed me so much more. They opened their hearts to us and even though we were only there for a week I felt how much they loved us. I was so blessed by their love.

I was really touched in how much they gave and how loving they were. That is one thing I want to bring back with me now that I am in the states.

Love you all. 

Friday, May 11, 2012

Happy Mother's Day

To all the mom's in my life, rather it be sisters, friends or my moms. 
I love you very much and thank you for all that you do. 

My friend and her baby a few days after she was born 

My mom and I

My sister dancing with my niece

My sister and my niece baking cookies

My mom, with my sister and I on a mother's day

My mom and I visiting the Biltmore Estate. 

My step-mom and I visiting Plymouth...sorry this pic is so dark

My mom and I when I graduated college. 

My step mom and I when I graduated college.

My grandmas... the ultimate moms.

I can't wait to be a mom... I have had such inspiring women in my life.
But right now I am happy to be Abba (Aunt Blaire).

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Trying to find a place

This song lately has really spoken to me. 

Hello Lovely Readers,

I had a post all set for today but I rescheduled it for Monday so I could write this more honest post. 

I feel like I haven't really written anything. I feel like I have made a lot of list and posted a lot of pictures. So this post is kind of random combination of the things I have been going through.

Remain in me, and I will remain in you.
-John 15:4

My relationship with God has faded away, I am sad to say. I am still a believer but for the last few months I months I have not made it a priority in my life. I could justify myself by saying that I have been really bus as I try to finish school but I don't know how true that is. Mostly because this fading away I feel started back in March. But this blog post is not so much focused on my fading. It  is more about the impact on my life.

On Sunday I was sitting in church leaning up against the wall not paying attention to the sermon but instead thinking about the curriculum for children's church. I was on my phone looking up the passage and some how got to John 15 and I read John 15:4. I have probably read it a hundred times and could recite it as an over used verse. But since Sunday I have realized hoe true it is for me. 

Lately, I have felt like something is missing in my life. I feel like a lot of my fiends lives are changing, they are graduating school, getting in relationships, having babies, or other things. And I feel kind of stuck. I think of things I want in my life or want to do in my life and how I can't get them. At least not now, and maybe not until I finish school (2 more years). And sometimes this stuck feeling overwhelms me. It makes me sad when I feel how my life is missing something. 

But is my life really missing something?
No!!! If I was listening to God I would know I was exactly where I was suppose to be. The school, the program, I am in has been a dream of mine. Since I was in high school. God has blessed me in pursuing this dream. He has long protected me.

Once I went on a retreat in Gloucester, at a friend's house on the ocean. During a quiet time I found a place sitting on the rocks. I couldn't focus on my reading so I found myself staring at the rocks below me. When the tide was coming in it looked like one rock was "protecting" the rock behind it from the crashing waves. Then the longer I sat there I saw the tide go out and I saw what was the second rock holding up the first rock. Since then I have seen the symbolism of God in these rocks. He is the first and second rock both protecting me from the hard waves and holding me up.
On that trip I found these rocks and 
since then I have had these rocks on my dresser to remind me.

But as I admitted my walk with God has been on the wean, so the little voice inside of me has come in and told me, my life is missing something. I am seeking people around me get the "things" I want and to be honest I am jealous. It doesn't help that emotionally I have felt like I have been a yo-yo.

Going back to the verse "remain in me and I will remain in you." I have seen this in my life. The more I remain in God the little voice that tells me I am constantly wrong goes away and it speaks softer than a whisper. When I remain in God I hear a voice that tells me I may not have everything I want but I am all right. 

Right now though I can't hear God speaking to me. I have often wished God would tell me what to do like the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" but he has never spoken to me that way. Most of the time it is just a feeling, or things my friends and family say that lead me on my way. Since I haven't been really seeking God out I haven't had that feeling or God's whisper. And I miss it. 
Last time I read the bible I was reading 2 kings.* It seems to be a long list of kings with names I don't now how to pronounce and really no stories or life lessons I can relate to. I need a book to read. I have list of book I want to read but I am not for sure what I should read. Any suggestions.

*- I wrote this in my school notebook but I have not wanted to post it till I was done with school. Yesterday and today I have taken time to read my bible. Yesterday I read John 15 and 16 to get more content around the verse. Today I went back to Ephesus, it is like my comfort blanket, I go back to it whenever I don't know where to go. Today I read Eph. 1:11- "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." I know at the heart of it I know God is working out everything to His will and though it may not be exactly what I want it is what is suppose to be happening. 

I need to stay more constant with God, which is hard, but it is always rewarding. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Daddy's Girl

I am not sure what is going on but I love the look he has on his face.

People in my present life may not know this but my dad and I have not always been as close as we are now. We definitely we had a great divide in our relationship during my high school years when I told him half truths and basically tried to keep him out of my life as much as possible... I won't go into all the details. Back then I never thought I would be as close to my dad as I am today. But then life changed. I grew up a bit and began to more actively walk in my faith and our relationship became closer. I live in Boston and he lives in Oklahoma but I feel closer to him now than I did when I lived in Oklahoma. 
My dad and I playing around
My dad an I have had several hard conversations sometimes where I have to stand up for myself in what I need or want from him. We have had many conversations I have cried during and they are mix of tears from happiness/sadness/ and relief. But I know he will be there to call me or text me again and tell me he loves me. And I always look forward to getting off the plane and having him there with a big hug and the fact I still like to cuddle on his lap.

My dad and I at my sister's wedding
Well last night we had our Monday night phone date and we had a range of topics to cover and some how we got on the topic where he told me my Grandad (who passed away last October) was proud of me... well the water works started. I always knew my Grandad loved me but I never knew he was proud of me. I said with out really thinking "why don't the Hiebsch men tell people that" he asked "what do you mean?" I reminded him the first time I remember him ever saying he was proud of me was my senior year of high school. I think he was stunned.

My Grandad and I
It is so funny, how much I compare my life to others. I look at my life and so many times I wish I was my sisters, both of them married and one with a cute little girl. And sometimes, when I am really low, I feel like I am failing because I feel my life doesn't feel as good as theirs looks. But then last night my dad told me he was proud of me. And it reminded me I am not failing, I am just on a different path.

One of my favorite picture of us
Just thinking about it his love for me reminds me of God's love (though we have our faults). There was a time I rebelled and pushed him out of my life but He is always there with open arms to hug me when I am in His presence and let me still climb on His lap. There is still hurt we are working through together but He is there to listen to my cries and He wants to wipe all my tears away. Sometimes like any good father what He has to say hurts but its the truth and knowing that will make me a better person and He always has my best interest at heart even if I don't know what that is.  

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Thinking about Grandma

This not really following my story...

I am sitting at my desk not really thinking about work because half way across the countrymy Grandma is laying in her nursing home bed and waiting for the Lord to take her up to heaven. She has been sick for awhile and the doctors have told us any time now. Today my dad called me saying the doctors have told them it will probably be today then he texted me an hour later saying there was slight improvement but I am not really sure what that means. I wish I was in Wichita, KS with her and with my family instead of in Boston feeling somewhat a lone in all this as I wait anxiously for my phone to ring. I really want to get on the next flight out of Boston and be with everyone but then again I think, I have a slight pile of paper work to do at my job and if I went to Kansas being there wouldn't magically slove anything. My Grandma is 89 years old and wants to be in heaven with the Lord and with her husband, my Granddad who passed away in October. So I am now doing the logical thing and trying to live a normal life while my heart and brain are in Kansas.

My Grandma was born in 1922, she lived through the dust bowl on a farm outside of Liberal, KS under the dark brown spot on the map in Eastern Kansas. She lived through the depression and World War II. She married her college sweet heart, my Granddad, and they were married for 67 years and in those 67 years she was a devoted wife and mother raising 3 sons and 1 daughter. She is also a devoted Grandma having fourteen grandchildren and twelve great grand children all of who felt her warm and tender heart. I know when we arrived at her house I always looked forward to getting my kiss on the cheek when I came through the door. To me she will always be one of the most perfect women on the face of the earth.

As a future archivist and a want to be author. I love that she has kept all her journals and notebooks from when she was younger. She also has kept all her family and our family's photo albums neatly organized. I would love to one day be able to explore her world a little bit more. I sit here and think about all she has seen in her life time. From only a few people having telephones to every one having cell phone. From no computers to computers being as small as a notebook binder (if not smaller). Thinking of all the history that has taken place in her life time The Great Depression, WWII, The Civil Rights movement, going to outer space, the Cold War, the Berlin Wall falling, 9/11 and everything I have missed. She may not be famous outside of her family and friends but she has experienced a lot.

As a want to be writer my imagination is trying to imagine what her life must have been like. For some reason it keeps going to this image of a young women standing in 194os style dress. Looking at google image the dresses seem to be like our modern day blouse dresses. And I know the picture on the right is not my Grandma and its a modern day picture it caputers the essence of what I am thinking.

I see a woman standing in a field of sunflowers, in a plain style dress her hair has been stylishly pulled up but has come lose from her hard days work. She stands with a letter from the love of her life with only the gentel summer breeze to comfort her. And then she hears her mother's dinner call in the distance and as she wipes the tears away she tries to breathe so no one notices her pain.

I don't think that ever happened to my Grandmother but some how I come back to this image in my head. I guess since I am reading a book about WWII my mind is more intrigued to think about this time period. But from a historical point of view and from my Grandma's point of view I know little about this time frame so my mind is just left with this image. Maybe one day I can come back to this woman in my mind and explore her world.

Thank you for reading my little tangent. I have actually found calmness in imagining what my Grandma's world would be like and then letting my imagination run down its own little path