Thursday, January 31, 2013

Fictional Obsession and Confession

Dear Readers,

I will admit I get emotionally attached to fictional characters. If you can relate please let me know if  because sometimes I feel alone in my obsessions. For example I get overly happy every time I watch Emma and the scene where Mr. Knightley proposes to Emma and she says "Now I need not call you Mr. Knightley, I can call you my Mr. Knightley." Oh it just tugs at my heart strings. And I lost it when Matthew proposed to Mary on Downton Abbey.
While yes I do like happy endings and I am totally a hopeful romantic. I look to these books/movies/shows as a way of escapism. I like the idea of getting lost in fancy gowns, balls, and I guess my idealistic view of chivalry. I think that is why I got into history, I wanted to escape into the past and live in the times and places I could only live in my imagination. 
But it is not just historical stories I mean when Peeta confessed his love for Katniss I hugged the book to my chest because I was so happy. And today when I watched the newest episode of The Lizzie Bennet Diaries I cried... Maybe I am just super emotional. 
I guess I just love getting lost in stories. I hope to one day be an author that writes stories that people will get lost in and will fall hopelessly in love with my characters. I mean I get lost in my own stories but sometimes I think they exist better in my head. (Is this common for writers?)
Any way I just wanted to share my obsession. Hope you, my lovely readers, will understand my posts when all I want to do is escape the realities of grad-school.   
Just a pretty picture of escapism

Saturday, January 26, 2013

New Year's Resolution

I know I am a little late on my New Year's Resolutions but I have done a lot of thinking about this and I don't want make resolutions without thinking about them.

1. Make time for friends... I know that sounds easy but I actually have a hard time with this. I get bogged down with school and work and then I hole up in my room. That leads me to feeling lonely and oddly when I am lonely I have a hard time reaching out to people. So I am going to put hanging out with my friends/talking to friends as a top priority.
Okay these aren't my friends but I like this picture. {pic}
2. Try different food. I eat a lot of chicken and usually I just eat what I know I will like. However my mom and I are going to Paris in May and she seems so worried that I won't be able to eat anything there... so I am promising to try new foods. Tuesday night I had duck for the first time.
3. Probably most important is I am trying to memorize scripture. Scripture that will keep me strong in some rough spots of life.

Last week it was...
"being confident in this that He who began good works in you will carry it on till completion until the day of Christ Jesus"- Philippians 1:6

This week it is...
"Praise the Lord, O my soul and forget not all his benefits"-Psalm 103:2


Tuesday, January 22, 2013

God's little reminder


Last May I wrote a post called "Things I am afraid to tell you" in the post I shared this poem...

I hear a voice
I know it well
   it tells me over and over
I am unworthy
I am unable to be loved
and when I look in the mirror
   it tells me 
I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me
   than a friend
and been around me 
   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 
   admit defeat
and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 
  can see these failings
I hope today my mask
  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong
   I pick myself up
and tell the voice "no"
  I am worthy
  I am loved
  and I will prove it. 
So I do my best
   on my own 
   to fight against it
   but I fail.

I hear the voice
I know it well.
It mocks me for trying
it points out my scars
   and my pain
it points out the wrongs 
   I commit 
   and how I will always keep failing.
Because of these
it tells me over and over 
I am unworthy 
I am unable to be loved 
and when I look in the mirror
    it tells me
I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 
    of goodness 
always adjusting it 
so people see 
what they want to see. 

They see a smile
   and that's what I want
because who loves a girl 
   who curls up in bed and cries
who loves a girl that is 
   falling apart
   and scared. 

They see a smile
   and that's what I want. 
But I hear a voice 
    and I know it well
a voice that is quick to cut
a voice that is louder than all others 
and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it
bury my head in shame
admit defeat
and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit
but there I hear a whisper 
it is very soft
"my child", "my love"
"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"
I tell the whisper.

But it repeats
"my child", "my love"
"my beauty", "my creation."
I open my eyes
see nothing there
so I doubt its existence.
"My child","my love"
"I am here for you
in darkness to be your light,
to be your hope
when you feel hopeless,
and to be your strength 
when you can't pick yourself up.
Remain in me 
and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 
the voice softens 
when I concentrate on that whisper
the shame of my failings 
    go away
and when I take in that whisper 
I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there
always quick to cut
and some times louder 
   than a battle cry.
But so is the whisper
it remains too.
I have to listen harder
  to hear it 
  but it is there
it calls to me over and over again.
"My child", "my love"
"my beauty", "my creation"
"I am here for you
I am here with you
   and I love you." 

Well today as I was listening to one of my playlist and I heard this song... All the Beauty (Kati's Story) by JJ Heller. 
The song reminded me of my poem and how much I still need to remember the words of God...

You call me lovely

You call me friend
You call me out of death and let me try again
You call me beloved
You call me clean
Then you show me all the beauty that you see in me

I love the way God reminds us of His love for us.