Waiting for one day

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Dear Anne,

In my last letter I wrote about my obsessions and how I am obsessed with my niece and nephew. Over Christmas my step-mom told me that as much as I love H and E I will love my own kids a thousand times. I don't know how that is possible since I would give my life for them but I am sure I will love my kids more so. I am just so far away from having that in my life and sometimes it hurts. Lately me having a baby has been a trend. A couple of weeks ago I had a bad day at work and to get some peace I watched a video of H dancing around. I told my co-worker this and she said I just need to have a baby. Then I was talking to another co-worker and he said I would make such a good mom. As great as a compliment this is... it also hurts. I know I want to have a baby so bad but there are a few things I need first. The most important thing would be a husband and I am not even in a relationship. So I feel like having a baby is still leaps and bounds away from me. 

I know this might be kind of silly but sometimes when I see pregnant women I feel a little empty because I feel my body is not doing what it is suppose to. I know God's timing is perfect but this is the one area I doubt God. I feel God has put this desire in me to be a wife and mother but for some reason it is not happening to me. So I wonder if God really wants me to be a wife and mother and if He doesn't want me to fill this role what am I to do with my life? I know it is wrong for me to doubt God so I have to remind myself that God's will is perfect and I hope I am not clinging to my desires too much I am not letting Him have His way. 

I know I am in grad-school and it is silly for me to think about having family but I would seriously give it all up if it meant I could be a wife and mother. 

Just having a low a moment. Thanks for listening. 

Yours,
Blaire

Dear Anne,

Maybe someday
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I wrote that top part when I was having a low moment but I didn't send it because it sounded like a "woe-is-me" letter so I am sorry for not writing sooner. After I had written the top part I have had some good quiet times. I am going to share parts of my prayers as I know you will be worried about my heart and I want to be completely honest with you. 


(from 2/7-2/9)
Dear Lord,
Oh Lord I am sorry for holding to this doubt I wrestle with. Lord I am your ways are better than my ways, I know your timing is perfect and complete. Lord I know all that but yet I question you. Lord I question if you really will provide me for me a husband and children. I know I look to that so much to much I let it define me too much. Lord I see that as my absolute fulfillment and you oh Lord are the only one who can truly fulfill me. Lord that I thank you for. 

Lord I know your will is perfect. I pray for patience. Lord I know as much as I want a relationship I am not ready for one. Lord I know I would put that first because I put that desire first. Lord I prepare my heart. Mold me to be what you desire. Lord I know your will is perfect and I know I hold on to the details too much. Lord help me let go of the details so I can cling to you...Lord I think what I need is a change of mindset. I feel if I submit to you, I think I won't get my family I have been longing for. And I see that as the ultimate fulfillment. The ultimate way to say "I am good enough". Lord you are the ultimate fulfillment help me to rely on you. Lord my God you have blessed me and I know letting go of this you will continue to bless me.

Lord my God help me submit to your ways. Help me be part of the change you desire. Lord my God I know your ways are perfect and I know your truths are abounding. I pray I keep steadfast in you. Lord mold me for how you long me to be. Oh Lord my God walk with me on this path.

I do not write this because I am strong I write this because I am weak and wrestling.


Yours faithfully,
Blaire

Always the hopeful romantic
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We found Nemo.

As most of you know the North East was hit by the winter storm of Nemo over the weekend. I spent most of the weekend inside with my fun writing, my novel and Pinterest. I don't have a fancy smartphone so I could not take good pictures of the storm but when the storm stopped I got some pictures. 

This is the view outside of my window this weekend. I know it is an alley so not very pretty. 

Darcy enjoying watching the snow though most of her weekend was spent curled up on my bed, under the covers or on my lap. 

I took this one from my computer... she has gotten in the habit to curl up on the crook of my arm/shoulder as I type on lab top or read my book. Nothing will stop my cat from cuddling when she wants to. 

From my kitchen window. 

After spending all day Friday inside I did venture out of my apartment and this is what I found. 

I loved this truck. 

There is a car buried under there. 

The garden across the street from my apartment.

My street it is still un-shoveled and in some places the sidewalks are un-shoveled too so I walk in the middle of the street.  

 Just pictures of the snow...

I was probably out for 30 minutes before my toes were so frozen in my boots they were in pain so I went back to my cozy apartment. 

Then Sunday I had to leave my cozy apartment and go to the library to get some actually work done. 

The side walk I usually take to school

Minus the porter potty the field was actually rather pretty and I kind of felt like a scene from Little Women, where they are walking through the snow. I don't think I would like to walk through snow in their big dresses. I was finding it hard just to stay stable enough in my boots... I think with hoop skirts I would fall flat on my face.

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The Fens all covered in snow

My school's sign. 

They actually did a good job cleaning off the main paths on our campus.. it is good Simmons is not that big. 

Then as I was leaving school I thought the sunset looked so pretty against the building... Sorry I don't think this picture conveys it 

A nice snow man in the field.

I thank you Nemo for coming because you gave me lots of time to relax but please don't come back. I am not a big snow fan.

Happy Birthday Grandpa!

I want to give a little shout out to my Grandpa on his birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

LOVE YOU!