Hello faithful readers,
In my last post (click here to read), I shared a glimpse of my struggle, how disconnected from life I’ve been feeling. I’ve also shared more with some of the prayerful women in my life (I’m sure I have prayerful men too; I’m just usually better at sharing my heart with women). Along with the disconnect, I’ve been wrestling with familiar fears: that I am unworthy of love, unlovable, a burden, or that I will always be alone. These are lies I’ve battled on and off for years. Most of the time, I can keep them at bay, but lately they’ve been loud.
I’ve also felt as though my prayers only reach as far as the journal page on which I write them.
And yet, I’ve actively tried to remind myself of the gospel: God who created the whole universe, wants a relationship with me, not because I am great, but because He created me and loved me, and proved His love by sending His Son (Hello Christmas!) who lived perfectly and on mision to restore people to His kingdom, died as the innocent lamb of God in my place, conquering death for me, and covering me by His blood, for me to have a relationship with Him, and rose from the dead so I no longer have face eternal death.*
I’ve prayed through the Psalms of Lament (Psalm 5) and the Psalms of Praise (Psalm 16). Still, my prayers felt as though they had little impact, and I continued to feel blocked.
If you’re an imagery person, it feels like I’m surrounded by ghostly figures. I can see through them, but they block my vision from truly reaching God or seeing what God desires for me.
One of my prayerful friends sent me a clip of Josh Howerton from Lake Pointe Church, sharing the story of Corrie ten Boom and her sister thanking God for the fleas. Yesterday (12/15), I tried that—thanking God for the “fleas” in my own life.
"Thank you for this low, distant feeling that keeps pressing me deeper into You.
Thank you for Your glory, hope, and strength.
…
Holy Spirit, search my heart.
Give my heart a new song of praise.
Lord, I know You hear my prayers, and that they are not stopping at the pages of this journal. You have me. You know my life. You love me, and You are faithful.
You are glorious, righteous, and secure.
…
You hold my heart.
Thank You, O God, that You hold my heart.
Thank You, O Lord, that my life is in Your hands— my future, anything romantic, finances, any mountains that come my way, any valleys that seek to hold me down, any work, all work for Your kingdom.
…
Thank You, Lord, that this moment, this season, and this earth are not the end-all, be-all of life. I have a home in heaven. One day, I will honestly sit on Your lap, hear Your whispers of love, and worship You face-to-face. While I long for that day, let me be of use. May I keep saying, “Here I am, Lord. Use me.”
Now to the moment that inspired the title of this post.
On Sunday, as part of my job, we hosted a large outing for our clients at a Christmas tree farm. It was a cold and windy day (in New England, it would’ve felt like a great December day). Sometimes our clients won’t attend ESL class if it’s cold, so I prayed that the sun would come out—that they would have a good day and hear loving truth.
About 10–20 minutes later, I was talking with a volunteer when my boss came up to me and said, “God heard your prayer.” Honestly, I had forgotten what I had prayed and asked, “What?” He reminded me that I had asked for the sun, and it came.
I’m not saying that everything suddenly feels better, or that I’m no longer struggling. But I wanted to share the renewed confidence I have in God. He is my hope, my anchor, and most days my sanity.
What “small answered prayer” might God be using to remind you today that He is near?
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