Hopeful Thursday

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Outside my quiet time I am reading verses that have the word hope in them... here is the first verse...

No one whose hope is you

will ever be put to shame, 

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous with out cause.

-Psalm 25:3

For all of Psalm 25 click here

Things I'm afraid to tell you

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The idea for this post was originally inspired by this blogging trend that went around a few weeks ago. I found it through one of my favorite bloggers Sarah at Well and Cheaply  she found it through another blogger Creature Comforts the idea behind these post are for bloggers to become more vulnerable "in an effort to make the bigger blogging community a better place" to read more click here.  I started writing this post but I felt like all I was doing was whining so I never published it. But now I am more inspired by a series my church is doing called Undone for those messages click here. I have been thinking lately a lot about things that have been holding me back in my life and in my faith. On Monday after my quiet time I wrote this poem... it is still in its infancy phase but I wanted to share it.*

I hear a voice

I know it well

   it tells me over and over

I am unworthy

I am unable to be loved

and when I look in the mirror

   it tells me 

I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me

   than a friend

and been around me 

   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 

   admit defeat

and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 

  can see these failings

I hope today my mask

  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong

   I pick myself up

and tell the voice "no"

  I am worthy

  I am loved

  and I will prove it. 

So I do my best

   on my own 

   to fight against it

   but I fail.

I hear the voice

I know it well.

It mocks me for trying

it points out my scars

   and my pain

it points out the wrongs 

   I commit 

   and how I will always keep failing.

Because of these

it tells me over and over 

I am unworthy 

I am unable to be loved 

and when I look in the mirror

    it tells me

I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 

    of goodness 

always adjusting it 

so people see 

what they want to see. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want

because who loves a girl 

   who curls up in bed and cries

who loves a girl that is 

   falling apart

   lonely,

   and scared. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want. 

But I hear a voice 

    and I know it well

a voice that is quick to cut

a voice that is louder than all others 

and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it

bury my head in shame

admit defeat

and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit

but there I hear a whisper 

it is very soft

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"

I tell the whisper.

But it repeats

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

I open my eyes

see nothing there

so I doubt its existence.

"My child","my love"

"I am here for you

in darkness to be your light,

to be your hope

when you feel hopeless,

and to be your strength 

when you can't pick yourself up.

Remain in me 

and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 

the voice softens 

when I concentrate on that whisper

the shame of my failings 

    go away

and when I take in that whisper 

I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there

always quick to cut

and some times louder 

   than a battle cry.

But so is the whisper

it remains too.

I have to listen harder

  to hear it 

  but it is there

it calls to me over and over again.

"My child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation"

"I am here for you

I am here with you

   and I love you." 

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* to my mom I know you read my post sometimes and worry about me please don't worry I am clinging to the whisper.

A tune for Tuesday

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I don't remember when I first listened to The Civil Wars but since then I have been in love with them. Their voices beautifully blend together making some great music. Most of there music makes me want to curl up with a good cup of coffee and let the world melt away. When I was trying to find music for this post I came across this song on YouTube that I had never heard before. Their music is so simple but yet not and like most of their songs this song captured me. Hope you enjoy.

Song: I've got this friend

by: The Civil Wars

Lyrics found at lyricsty.com

I've got this friend
I don't think you know him
He's not much for words
He's hidden his heart away

Oh I've got this friend
A loveless romantic
All that he really wants
Is someone to want him back

Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, If the right one came, along

I've got this friend
I don't think you know her
She sings a simple song
It sounds a lot like his
[ Lyrics from: http://wwwlyricsty.com/the-civil-wars-ive-got-this-friend-lyrics.html ]
Oh I've got this friend
Holding onto her heart
Like it's a little secret
Like it's all she's got to give

Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, if the right one came, along

It'd be such a shame
(If they never meet)
She sounds lovely
(He sounds right out of a dream)
If only
(If only)
If only

Ohh
Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, (I've got this friend) if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, (I've got this friend)
If the right one came, along