A little road mapping

I will admit I look back at my life a lot. I am sure a lot of us do. Sometimes we look back and we see happy times with family and loved ones. Sometimes we see pain heart breaks and challenges. I think we can all agree that that is the mix of life. I know many times I look back over my life (which hasn't been that long) and see things that didn't make sense in the present but now I know they have made me who I am. For example when I was 10 my Nana passed away. She was the first death I ever really experienced and I wasn't happy that she was gone but with in a year of her passing away my mom moved us out to the west coast. My mom made me repeat the 5th grade, all these events I didn't understand but now I see how shaping they were. If I hadn't moved to the west coast, I don't know if I would have ever been brave enough to move myself to the east coast, and it is here I have found my own little home. And living on the west coast where people didn't know me my whole life most people assumed my pesky speech impediment was an accent, and I no longer got teased for it. After my repeat of the 5th grade my grades got better and I took some time to just get in the flow of it. Also my 5th grade year I had an awesome teacher, Mr. Bacon, who besides my parents encouraged me to write. But in the moment my Nana's death, the move, the repeating 5th grade none of it made sense... but I think how puzzle pieces fit together to make me me.

I don't know about you but sometimes I look back and I can only see the mistakes I have made and I hold on to those tighter than I hold on to my accomplishments. I know there are a lot of motivational quotes that say don't let mistakes define you but it is hard for me. Even when all the world is telling me "I am good" I feel myself criticizing myself ( I am my worst critic). You might be thinking I am in a low place in my life again, and actually that's not true I am just over thinking things and just writing it out helps.

I had a relationship with a guy, over a year ago, but he was the man I thought I was going to get married to. I have a deep desire to be a wife (as you can probably tell from my other blog posts) so when I thought I was going to marry this guy I put all my hope into that relationship. I felt I gave it my all and when it ended I had nothing left. Now of course I had great friends who held on to me and lifted me up. But it took me a really long time to get over him. And I still work on it but there is a deep part of me that knows I need to move on and a really anxious (anxious because I want to be in love again) that is telling me I want to move on. But some how deeper down I worry... I worry about making the same mistakes all over again, I worry about being crushed all over again. I guess those all factors of life.

As I was writing that last part I remembered the quote "if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love" so I googled it and found out it was from the movie "A Lot Like Love" but as I was googling the quote google was showing me this other quote "If you're not willing to risk it all, then you don't want it bad enough" - Unknown. So maybe I just need the reminder if I want something bad enough I will have to face the idea I will make mistakes (we all do) but I can't hold on to my mistakes I have made in the past. I just need to let them teach me and not define me. 

I looked up the word "risk" on Pinterest and got some interesting quotes, here are my favorites...

So maybe I shouldn't be so timid by my past mistakes and take a little bit of risk... I know the Lord has blessed me so far and not matter what happens next he will use it to shape my future.