Body thoughts

From the movie "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty"
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I am a modest person... I do prefer to cover myself up and I have always thought that modesty was more beautiful. But lately I have been wondering if I hide behind the idea of being modest because I am not confident in my body.

my cousin and I... last summer

I don't have an amazing body and I am okay with that. I don't consider myself sexy and I am okay with that. I cast myself as a Plain Jane and no matter how many times my friends and family tell me I am beautiful I have a hard time believing it. I don't know why this is but sometimes I think I use my ideals of modesty to try my body. There are many moments in my life when I don't feel comfortable in my body or knowing that people are looking at me. One of those moments are when I am in a bathing suit... yep I wear a one piece and wear shorts over them. In one respect I like wearing a one piece because my husband will be the first man to see my belly button (I know that might sound odd.) This pays off because I don't have to apply additional sunscreen but the number one reason I wear the shorts is I don't like my legs or at least my thighs.

I also have a friend who keeps asking me to work out with her. And I know I should it is healthy. But the gym I work out feels like a fashion show with women wearing the newest lulu lemon and don't even sweat. When I think about working out I think about hiding away and no one seeing me. Even still my mind just goes into negative mode. I know I am not in shape, I know that is bad however I don't feel comfortable with the idea of working out. 

It actually makes me feel mentally paralyzing and a hatred of my body.

I know that is bad thinking and it hurts my heart thinking that way. In the Bible it talks about in Genesis how God made us in His image. And there is scripture about how the body is the temple of God. "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own"-1 Corinthians 6:19. I know these verses are talking about sexual morality... but its true, God has called our bodies his Temple.

From all my readings The Temple in the Old Testament was a sacred spot where the presence of God lived in. Then after Jesus the Holy Spirit (the presence of God) was to live in our hearts, and in that our bodies are temples of God. That is a powerful statement... but what does it say about me that there are times I hate my body?

Before I go to far-- let me say these feelings are not everyday. Most of the time (with a bit of make-up) I think I am pretty. So I don't want my mom (my most consistent reader to be concerned about me). These are just passing thoughts and writing them out helps me think about them more and get to the through and muddle through them. Also I hope in my idealistic way that I will write these post and maybe get communication going about things people may not usually talk about. 

I started off this post thinking that hide behind my modesty because I think I lack confidence in my body... but now I am wondering if it is a deeper issue. I am still muddling through these thoughts. If you have any thoughts please let me know... THANKS!

Just thought it was funny
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Nomadic life?

I looked up "nomad" and didn't like any of the options
so I thought I would go with a pin from my "Beautiful Escapism" board
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Okay I am not a real nomad, I mean I am about to celebrate my 9th year of living in Boston... and even this morning in my prayer time I could not believe how much God has blessed me here in this time. And I honestly can't imagine living anywhere else (though I wish I was closer to my family). But lately I have felt very nomadic. Maybe it is my up coming move or hopefully my last semester of school and my soon impending adulthood but I have felt very unconnected to life and the best way I could describe it to my dad was nomadic.

Let me explain...my dad was driving me from Oklahoma City to Dallas (about 3 hours) and we started talking about my life and my future. Ugh I did not have the emotions to talk about this. I hate when I have to admit I have no idea what I want to do in my life (especially to my parents because they are always concerned for me and my dad probably more than anyone as I am doing something he can't really comprehend). I feel I have been in school so long that I am not even sure what the "real world" is. I have also been working on my degree in Library Science, if I was to think of my dream job in that field it would be reference archivist because I would be able to help people with their research but still touch old documents, but I am not really even for sure if that's what I want. And with this mindset and the things I talked about in my previous post (Taking time to reflect) I just couldn't handle this. I tried to explain it to him but all I could say was I feel "very nomadic."

I have frequently said "I have tried to make plans, but God just points and laughs." I am not saying this to say God is being mean but I think sometimes I make plans and then things change (usually for the better...when I look back at it). So I have tried to make any real plans about how I think my life should be as I want to leave myself open for what God has in store and this has been better for me. It is hard I am a planner at heart, but I have pushed myself to give God control of my future. And I do trust that He will take care of me but I right now I really wish that I was more certain with what to do with my life. But right now I am still a little nomad trying to figure things out...

While I am trying to figure things out I always like to keep a list of things I am certain of...

1. God will take care of me and no problem I face will stop that (but I can't just be passive and wait for God to work I have to be more active)
2. I have friends and family who support me (I just need to be better about leaning on them)

I think that is all I need. 

I may not be certain of my future and that it entails but one thing I know is that the only time I feel sure about things is when I am writing. I love this blog as my little online journal and a place to share my stories. I will try to post more of both those things but now outside of this blog and my work I will be focused on my move and starting school.

Taking some time to reflect

From previous post... the last we were all together in May
Sadly we did not take a picture this time

In my last post Blogging Break  I wrote how I was feeling burnt out and how I was out of words to write... well that was and sort of true. Not to dish all my private information on a blog but I had just ended a relationship (and while it was a short one it is hard to walk away from it and when I wrote that post it was hard to even think of what to do or say but I had to walk away).

Left pic: E and I in hospital
Right pic: E at home feeling much better 

So after this I was so happy to have this vacation to look forward to... well it wasn't the vacation my sister and I had planned. My nephew had to have surgery because of a neck infection. So he spent 5 days in the hospital and I was at home taking care of my niece while both my sister and brother-in-law were spending time in the hospital. It was a hard week because the doctors kept giving conflicting messages about rather or not he would not need surgery or when he would be released. One doctor told them on Monday he wouldn't be released till Saturday while another was saying in a day or two. I was on the sidelines while I was taking care of my niece but I could tell it was a big struggle for my sister and brother-in-law. Personally I was happy to be so busy I didn't have to focus on what I had just left behind in Boston.

One on one time with niece was awesome.

Well then sadly vacation had to end and now I am back in Boston... and life hit me before I even took off on my flight home. I have a lot on my mind... my upcoming move (which I am excited about living with my friend I just hate moving), some expenses that seem to never go away, my thesis and some other things. 

As I posted on my Blogging Break post I have been reading through passages on the word trust. That has been hard topic to take in. As much as I think I trust in God, I still worry and I still get anxious over little things. I am currently re-reading The Princess by Lori Wick and there is a section about worrying. Prince Nikolai is worried about his marriage to Shelby and at the same time his pastor is giving a sermon on worrying and calling it a sin. The pastor says "When we worry we say to God 'I can't trust You. You're not doing Your job, so I'm going to step in and take over'"(p. 134). Then today in my quiet time I was reading Luke and I read Luke 12:22-34, where Jesus warns about worry (isn't it amazing when things like this all come together.) I think God is really trying to tell me to let go of my worries and truly trust in him. 

In Matthew 6:25-34 (similar passage to Luke) Jesus says "Are not much more valuable than they?" "They" are the birds of the air who do not sow or reap but yet God takes care of them. He is saying then won't God take care of you if you are more valuable to God than birds. Yes... of course! I believe that God will take care of me so why do I worry, why do I let myself get consumed with worry... I am honestly not for sure. Maybe it is human nature to worry, but I don't want my worrying to get in the way of my walk with God or let it block me from awesome things in life. So since worrying comes as a second nature to me... this might be a life long struggle but I hope to get better at it as I go. 

With these thoughts in mind and others... I want to keep writing but I don't know if I can be as consistent as I tried to be this summer. But don't worry I will come back I love writing and in writing I find peace.

Blogging Break

Saw my family in May... happy to get to see them so soon again.

Hello Lovely Readers,

I am about to go on vacation to see some family and it could not have come at a better time... I am feeling a little burnt out. I have really pushed myself to have an active blog this summer, get some legitimate research done on research for my thesis, and dealing with some shifting feelings that have come over this summer. I feel I have really pushed myself this summer and now I feel a little empty. (Sorry that's not very positive).

I think it is time I recharge a bit. So I am taking a break from this blog... I may not be on for a bit. After I get back from vacation I have to prepare to move into my new apartment. Which, I am excited to be moving in with my friend K. But you know packing and everything can be quite exhausting.

Also I am feeling a little empty of words and not knowing what to say or write.So I leave you with this...

In my quiet time I have been going through passages with the word "Trust" in them and today it led me to these verses...

My soul finds rest in God alone;

my salvation comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

(Psalm 62:1-2)

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;

my hope comes from him.

He alone is my rock and my salvation;

he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

My salvation and my honor depend on God;

he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

Trust in him at all times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge.

(Psalm 62:5-8)

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you, 

my body longs for you, 

in a dry and weary land

where here is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you, 

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you,

(Psalm 63:1-5)

My soul clings to you; 

your right hand upholds me.

 (Psalm 63:8)

How I needed these words.