Hopeful Thursday

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Outside my quiet time I am reading verses that have the word hope in them... here is the first verse...

No one whose hope is you

will ever be put to shame, 

but they will be put to shame

who are treacherous with out cause.

-Psalm 25:3

For all of Psalm 25 click here

Things I'm afraid to tell you

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The idea for this post was originally inspired by this blogging trend that went around a few weeks ago. I found it through one of my favorite bloggers Sarah at Well and Cheaply  she found it through another blogger Creature Comforts the idea behind these post are for bloggers to become more vulnerable "in an effort to make the bigger blogging community a better place" to read more click here.  I started writing this post but I felt like all I was doing was whining so I never published it. But now I am more inspired by a series my church is doing called Undone for those messages click here. I have been thinking lately a lot about things that have been holding me back in my life and in my faith. On Monday after my quiet time I wrote this poem... it is still in its infancy phase but I wanted to share it.*

I hear a voice

I know it well

   it tells me over and over

I am unworthy

I am unable to be loved

and when I look in the mirror

   it tells me 

I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me

   than a friend

and been around me 

   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 

   admit defeat

and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 

  can see these failings

I hope today my mask

  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong

   I pick myself up

and tell the voice "no"

  I am worthy

  I am loved

  and I will prove it. 

So I do my best

   on my own 

   to fight against it

   but I fail.

I hear the voice

I know it well.

It mocks me for trying

it points out my scars

   and my pain

it points out the wrongs 

   I commit 

   and how I will always keep failing.

Because of these

it tells me over and over 

I am unworthy 

I am unable to be loved 

and when I look in the mirror

    it tells me

I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 

    of goodness 

always adjusting it 

so people see 

what they want to see. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want

because who loves a girl 

   who curls up in bed and cries

who loves a girl that is 

   falling apart

   lonely,

   and scared. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want. 

But I hear a voice 

    and I know it well

a voice that is quick to cut

a voice that is louder than all others 

and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it

bury my head in shame

admit defeat

and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit

but there I hear a whisper 

it is very soft

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"

I tell the whisper.

But it repeats

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

I open my eyes

see nothing there

so I doubt its existence.

"My child","my love"

"I am here for you

in darkness to be your light,

to be your hope

when you feel hopeless,

and to be your strength 

when you can't pick yourself up.

Remain in me 

and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 

the voice softens 

when I concentrate on that whisper

the shame of my failings 

    go away

and when I take in that whisper 

I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there

always quick to cut

and some times louder 

   than a battle cry.

But so is the whisper

it remains too.

I have to listen harder

  to hear it 

  but it is there

it calls to me over and over again.

"My child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation"

"I am here for you

I am here with you

   and I love you." 

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* to my mom I know you read my post sometimes and worry about me please don't worry I am clinging to the whisper.

A tune for Tuesday

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I don't remember when I first listened to The Civil Wars but since then I have been in love with them. Their voices beautifully blend together making some great music. Most of there music makes me want to curl up with a good cup of coffee and let the world melt away. When I was trying to find music for this post I came across this song on YouTube that I had never heard before. Their music is so simple but yet not and like most of their songs this song captured me. Hope you enjoy.

Song: I've got this friend

by: The Civil Wars

Lyrics found at lyricsty.com

I've got this friend
I don't think you know him
He's not much for words
He's hidden his heart away

Oh I've got this friend
A loveless romantic
All that he really wants
Is someone to want him back

Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, If the right one came, along

I've got this friend
I don't think you know her
She sings a simple song
It sounds a lot like his
[ Lyrics from: http://wwwlyricsty.com/the-civil-wars-ive-got-this-friend-lyrics.html ]
Oh I've got this friend
Holding onto her heart
Like it's a little secret
Like it's all she's got to give

Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, if the right one came, along

It'd be such a shame
(If they never meet)
She sounds lovely
(He sounds right out of a dream)
If only
(If only)
If only

Ohh
Ohh, if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, (I've got this friend) if the right one came
If the right one came along
Ohh, (I've got this friend)
If the right one came, along

Our Heroines

I can't believe it I have just passed 100 pages in typing my story... whoa that feels huge! In my post on Friday I mentioned how I feel ashamed about my writing because I have never finished a story. Well I have never gotten this far in a story either and it feels like I am making this huge step in my writing life. I hope you will  check out my full post on my other blog Sisters of Pine Haven having this space and my lovely readers has really kept me going in my story so thank you so much.

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If the heroine of this story was Kathryn James this would be a lovely end but heroines of this story sat in the third row of the church on grooms side, though in reality Emmy felt closer to Kathryn her own cousin. She took in all the beauty of the day and made sure to take active mental notes so she could write back to her mother in full detail. The ceremony was traditional, nothing to go into great detail about. Kathryn and Nicholas had five attendants on both side. Kathryn didn't have any sisters so her cousins and two friends schools stood to her side wearing matching crimson dresses, to complement the autumn colors and holding a smaller bouquet of white roses much like Kathryn's. Nicholas had Ethan Foster, Caleb James and three other friends standing next to him wearing their finest morning suits in a very traditional manor with tails.

            After the wedding Victoria Danford untraditionally threw a luncheon for the couple with the family and close friends. Even though it was just a luncheon it was a very formal meal with multiple courses. In very modern fashion Victoria served French cuisine that had become popular to serve all over Europe and the finest families in America. The newlyweds stayed through the meal then took off to train station. Kathryn told Emmy that they would go to New York than take a cruise line over to Italy and they planned to stay there at least till spring. Kathryn had never been to Italy and gushed over everything she wanted to see while they were there. Emmy was happy for Kathryn but was a little jealous as she had never been anywhere and wished she could be going to Europe. Once the couple left the party started to break up but Victoria insisted that the Cromwell girls stay around. She felt guilty that they spent so little time together after all they were family. Emmy rolled her eyes at the idea of family obligation.

            "I can stay if you like?" Brandon said seeing Emmy rolling her eyes.

            "Oh no Mrs. James you are too kind."

            " It is no problem I want to be useful to you."

            "Thank you Mrs. James."

            Emmy took a look around the room and did not see Caleb who she really wanted to see.

            "Are you all right?" Brandon asked noticing Emmy looked distracted.

            "Yes, fine I was just wondering where your brother is?"

            "He told me he had to go back to his mother's house to get some work done. Work on his sister's wedding day can you imagine?"

            "He must be very busy."

            Brandon could tell Emmy was still in love with Caleb just in the tone of her voice.

            "Yes his business keeps him quite occupied. Excuse me, Miss Emmy, I see Mrs. James waiving at me, she might want to leave."

            "Of course it has been a long day."

            Mrs. James did not really waive him over but he had to walk away. He could not see why Emmy still loved his brother when he has been nothing but cold to her since he left Pine Haven. Brandon had done everything he could think of to show Emmy how much he cared but she only had eyes for Caleb. That Monday Brandon went to the Ambassador to make plans to go back to England. But for today he left making his apologies to the hostess and Mrs. James but said nothing to Emmy.

            Laurel did not have a grand time at the luncheon either. Ethan Foster kept his distance, she tried to talk to him but he kept getting flustered. They used to talk for hours together now though she could not think of what to say leading to some awkward silent moments. Then he left the party shortly after Nicholas and Kathryn left. She wanted to leave then too and hated that there was family obligation to stay because Aunt Victoria felt guilty.

            The party was hardly a success for our heroines and with that in mind they would never have expect the following events. However without these events the story would not exist.

To read more click here

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