A little bit of my past

Hello lovely readers,

In my last post I talked about how I was going to talk more about my faith on this blog. I know I have already talked about my faith a little but I wanted to go back a bit in my story. I have not always  followed the Lord in my life but have had Christians always in my life and I have catch myself thinking about them "you must have it all together to be a Christian." I would say my dad and both my sisters are these super Christians in my life and I looked up to them as if they were perfect... well they aren't and neither am I.

I wanted to lay out a bit of my life story so no reader can accuse me of being "perfect" and "having it all together" when I don't. In this blog I am simply sharing my life and my faith is a HUGE part of that. So before you think I am standing on a soap box or hitting you over the head with a Bible, I wanted to share a pice of my story so hopefully you won't think I am doing those actions.


From my Baptism... May 20th 2007

When I was 5ish my parents got divorced. I know it is common for kids to think that "it is their fault", I never thought that. Looking back on it, I don't really remember a time they were together so it seems like a "natural" thing. Though I didn't think it was my fault through the divorce I got it into my head that I had to please everyone. I somehow thought that there was this bar of "perfection" that I could never measure up to. When I thought I was close to that bar, I would  discover that there was something else I had to do to make people happy. And if people weren't happy with me they wouldn't love me. This an aspect of my life I have lived with for nearly 21 years, while it is waining in strength, sometimes when I am low I still feel this bar above me. So for me it was very "natural" to think there were always conditions or hoops to jump through to earn love.

 

Skip ahead to my Junior year of High School. It was not a good time for me. I know I was stressed about my grades (I wasn't a stellar student) and I knew my grades that year were not good enough to get into a good college. I just remembering feeling as if I had failed. I know college wasn't the only thing that brought stress on me, I just like I had failed (I can't fully put it into words). For so long I had felt as if I was treading water keeping my head above float and all of the sudden I got tired of treading so I stopped and it felt as if I had drowned. Drowned to the bottom of the ocean and for awhile I walked around feeling no need to get up. I also felt no one around me could see how much pain I was in and I couldn't express because if I did they would know I had failed and then no one would love me.

 

Over this time I was taking over the counter sleeping medicine because I could never sleep at night. One night, I remember, I was emptying the dish washer and I thought about taking 5 or 6 pills that night and not waking up the next day. In reality I wanted my mom to come in try to wake me and when she realized I couldn't, she would rush me to the hospital, have my stomach pumped and then be fine. Also people would realize how much pain I was carrying around. Yeah not super logical but it is hard to be logical when you are sad. It is also hard to be logical when you are living inside your own head and not grasping on to reality.

 

I started going to therapy my senior year. I talked a lot about my emotions and how sick I felt but I still carried around shame and guilt over what I had thought and what I had almost done. I still sometimes think back at that time and think, if people knew that about me they wouldn't love me. I mean how can some one love somebody who thought about ending their life. Yeah also not super logical. That is probably the biggest bruise I carry around me and I still ask God to heal my heart from that.  

Boston in the fall..
the first time I came to Boston was in the fall
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During my Junior year I would stare out my classroom window and look out over the San Fransisco Bay and dream of running away. I thought I would just leave school take BART to Oakland get on a Amtrak train and see where life would lead. Well I found a nice legitimate way to run away, college. I had a large book that listed every college in the US and I looked into all of them on the East Coast from Boston to Virginia. But on my first trip to Boston I felt at home and I never wanted to leave. 

Over the summer, between Senior year and college, I went back to visit my dad and per usual went to High School church camp. I always went to camp mostly because all my friends went and this year was no different. But something happened to me at camp. I had 2 wonderful camp leaders who showed me how they weren't perfect and still were Christians. I began to ponder that thought. Then over the week I realized I had tried to do everything on my own and I had failed. I realized I couldn't do it on my own anymore. So after camp I asked my dad to help me find a church in Boston, I remember he was driving on the high way but I am not sure why. I am sure if he had not been driving he would have had a heart attack over this question.

 

I found Park Street Church and through that found one of my best friends. She didn't let me hide behind my wall of shame, she got right to the heart of my life. She also didn't allow me to be a wall flower and she "dragged" to different bible studies where I got to meet a lot of people. While I had this great friends sometimes I felt completely alone as a Christian so I clung to my Bible and read all of Psalm that first semester. Through my friend I found Reunion Christian Church, my home church, and have found a great community there.

 

People might ask me "how do I know God exist?" I will answer "because He saved me." I know that is a classic Sunday school answer but I know it to be true. I was in the pit and I wanted to end it all because everything I had done had made me fail. With God I have never felt like a failure, though I continue to stumble. I make mistakes, I will make mistakes. I continue to walk around with scars on my heart for all the things that have happened in my life but God knows those scars, He know the dark spots inside me, and yet he created me and He loves me with no condition and no hoops to jump through. That is what I cling to because sometimes it is the only thing that makes sense.

 

As I have finished this up I realize the title is a little miss-leading as it is actually a long post. So as a treat... here is one song I have really loved for a long time and still gives me goose bumps.

 

"How he loves" by David Crowder.



Our Heroines

I can't believe it I have just passed 100 pages in typing my story... whoa that feels huge! In my post on Friday I mentioned how I feel ashamed about my writing because I have never finished a story. Well I have never gotten this far in a story either and it feels like I am making this huge step in my writing life. I hope you will  check out my full post on my other blog Sisters of Pine Haven having this space and my lovely readers has really kept me going in my story so thank you so much.

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If the heroine of this story was Kathryn James this would be a lovely end but heroines of this story sat in the third row of the church on grooms side, though in reality Emmy felt closer to Kathryn her own cousin. She took in all the beauty of the day and made sure to take active mental notes so she could write back to her mother in full detail. The ceremony was traditional, nothing to go into great detail about. Kathryn and Nicholas had five attendants on both side. Kathryn didn't have any sisters so her cousins and two friends schools stood to her side wearing matching crimson dresses, to complement the autumn colors and holding a smaller bouquet of white roses much like Kathryn's. Nicholas had Ethan Foster, Caleb James and three other friends standing next to him wearing their finest morning suits in a very traditional manor with tails.

            After the wedding Victoria Danford untraditionally threw a luncheon for the couple with the family and close friends. Even though it was just a luncheon it was a very formal meal with multiple courses. In very modern fashion Victoria served French cuisine that had become popular to serve all over Europe and the finest families in America. The newlyweds stayed through the meal then took off to train station. Kathryn told Emmy that they would go to New York than take a cruise line over to Italy and they planned to stay there at least till spring. Kathryn had never been to Italy and gushed over everything she wanted to see while they were there. Emmy was happy for Kathryn but was a little jealous as she had never been anywhere and wished she could be going to Europe. Once the couple left the party started to break up but Victoria insisted that the Cromwell girls stay around. She felt guilty that they spent so little time together after all they were family. Emmy rolled her eyes at the idea of family obligation.

            "I can stay if you like?" Brandon said seeing Emmy rolling her eyes.

            "Oh no Mrs. James you are too kind."

            " It is no problem I want to be useful to you."

            "Thank you Mrs. James."

            Emmy took a look around the room and did not see Caleb who she really wanted to see.

            "Are you all right?" Brandon asked noticing Emmy looked distracted.

            "Yes, fine I was just wondering where your brother is?"

            "He told me he had to go back to his mother's house to get some work done. Work on his sister's wedding day can you imagine?"

            "He must be very busy."

            Brandon could tell Emmy was still in love with Caleb just in the tone of her voice.

            "Yes his business keeps him quite occupied. Excuse me, Miss Emmy, I see Mrs. James waiving at me, she might want to leave."

            "Of course it has been a long day."

            Mrs. James did not really waive him over but he had to walk away. He could not see why Emmy still loved his brother when he has been nothing but cold to her since he left Pine Haven. Brandon had done everything he could think of to show Emmy how much he cared but she only had eyes for Caleb. That Monday Brandon went to the Ambassador to make plans to go back to England. But for today he left making his apologies to the hostess and Mrs. James but said nothing to Emmy.

            Laurel did not have a grand time at the luncheon either. Ethan Foster kept his distance, she tried to talk to him but he kept getting flustered. They used to talk for hours together now though she could not think of what to say leading to some awkward silent moments. Then he left the party shortly after Nicholas and Kathryn left. She wanted to leave then too and hated that there was family obligation to stay because Aunt Victoria felt guilty.

            The party was hardly a success for our heroines and with that in mind they would never have expect the following events. However without these events the story would not exist.

To read more click here

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Trying to find a place

This song lately has really spoken to me. 

Hello Lovely Readers,

I had a post all set for today but I rescheduled it for Monday so I could write this more honest post. 

I feel like I haven't really written anything. I feel like I have made a lot of list and posted a lot of pictures. So this post is kind of random combination of the things I have been going through.

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Remain in me, and I will remain in you.

-John 15:4

My relationship with God has faded away, I am sad to say. I am still a believer but for the last few months I months I have not made it a priority in my life. I could justify myself by saying that I have been really bus as I try to finish school but I don't know how true that is. Mostly because this fading away I feel started back in March. But this blog post is not so much focused on my fading. It  is more about the impact on my life.

On Sunday I was sitting in church leaning up against the wall not paying attention to the sermon but instead thinking about the curriculum for children's church. I was on my phone looking up the passage and some how got to John 15 and I read John 15:4. I have probably read it a hundred times and could recite it as an over used verse. But since Sunday I have realized hoe true it is for me. 

Lately, I have felt like something is missing in my life. I feel like a lot of my fiends lives are changing, they are graduating school, getting in relationships, having babies, or other things. And I feel kind of stuck. I think of things I want in my life or want to do in my life and how I can't get them. At least not now, and maybe not until I finish school (2 more years). And sometimes this stuck feeling overwhelms me. It makes me sad when I feel how my life is missing something. 

But is my life really missing something?

No!!! If I was listening to God I would know I was exactly where I was suppose to be. The school, the program, I am in has been a dream of mine. Since I was in high school. God has blessed me in pursuing this dream. He has long protected me.

Once I went on a retreat in Gloucester, at a friend's house on the ocean. During a quiet time I found a place sitting on the rocks. I couldn't focus on my reading so I found myself staring at the rocks below me. When the tide was coming in it looked like one rock was "protecting" the rock behind it from the crashing waves. Then the longer I sat there I saw the tide go out and I saw what was the second rock holding up the first rock. Since then I have seen the symbolism of God in these rocks. He is the first and second rock both protecting me from the hard waves and holding me up.

On that trip I found these rocks and 

since then I have had these rocks on my dresser to remind me.

But as I admitted my walk with God has been on the wean, so the little voice inside of me has come in and told me, my life is missing something. I am seeking people around me get the "things" I want and to be honest I am jealous. It doesn't help that emotionally I have felt like I have been a yo-yo.

Going back to the verse "remain in me and I will remain in you." I have seen this in my life. The more I remain in God the little voice that tells me I am constantly wrong goes away and it speaks softer than a whisper. When I remain in God I hear a voice that tells me I may not have everything I want but I am all right. 

Right now though I can't hear God speaking to me. I have often wished God would tell me what to do like the movie "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" but he has never spoken to me that way. Most of the time it is just a feeling, or things my friends and family say that lead me on my way. Since I haven't been really seeking God out I haven't had that feeling or God's whisper. And I miss it. 

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Last time I read the bible I was reading 2 kings.* It seems to be a long list of kings with names I don't now how to pronounce and really no stories or life lessons I can relate to. I need a book to read. I have list of book I want to read but I am not for sure what I should read. Any suggestions.

*- I wrote this in my school notebook but I have not wanted to post it till I was done with school. Yesterday and today I have taken time to read my bible. Yesterday I read John 15 and 16 to get more content around the verse. Today I went back to Ephesus, it is like my comfort blanket, I go back to it whenever I don't know where to go. Today I read Eph. 1:11- "In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will." I know at the heart of it I know God is working out everything to His will and though it may not be exactly what I want it is what is suppose to be happening. 

I need to stay more constant with God, which is hard, but it is always rewarding. 

A little reminder

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I have been working on papers most of this weekend but I did have some good and "Fun." moments this week and I promise as soon as I am done with my paper I will post it.

Exploring the World of Makeup

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On Saturday I delved deep into the world of make-up by exploring the magical store of Sephora. Not being a make up girl myself I usually find this store scary but my friend Kendra at Random Acts Babble held my hand as I explored the world of makeup.

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This exploration started with my Journey into Makeup post. But then I read the March issue of  Elle Magazine. In the article The Cover-Up by Claire Gutierrez (sorry couldn't find link to article). She wrote that her face had always been the same and she didn't know how to change it; she had never really learned... me too. Minus other people have doing my makeup I had never changed my face, maybe more or less mascara. For the most part I really connected with this author. But the piece that got to me was when she quoted a psychology study at Harvard University, where they studied people's immediate reactions to women barefaced and varying levels of makeup were more likely to perceived as amiable, trustworthy, and competent. "Even women who opted for glamorous looks were perceived as more competent than those who, like me, favor a natural look."

my younger sister and I

close up

As I have already admitted I am not a big makeup person. Since I was a teenager people have always thought I was younger than I was. People always thought my younger sister, who discovered the world of makeup before me, was the older one. And no matter how many times my mom says I will like looking young when I am 40, it didn't help when I was 16 and it doesn't really help now. I don't want to look older than I am but I do want to want to look my age. I also want to look competent and trustworthy. So if this means makeup than I am willing to explore this world.

I don't know if I begged, or casually brought up my desperation for make up to my friend Kendra but we made a date for yesterday to go shopping. I got a little make over which was lots of fun. I asked for a natural look that and I could easily repeat at home. I also knew that brown eye shadows  brought out blue eyes but I love pink or I wanted a good combo. The woman who did my make over found a great palate for my eyes (Lorac unzipped).

Some of the make up

Half way through the make over...
my lovely makeup artist in the background

Close up of my eyes...sorry for the weird expression

After she had finished my eyes she worked on my lips (Laura Mercier) then she took me around the store and showed me a nice foundation that was a little darker than my skin to give me a little glow. Sephora made a pretty penny off of me but it was fun to invest in myself a little bit. 

my eyelids somewhat shut.
at the Gap

my eyes and my lips

Now it is my turn to play around with all of it as I explore this world of makeup and of growing up.