Tuesday, January 22, 2013

God's little reminder


Last May I wrote a post called "Things I am afraid to tell you" in the post I shared this poem...

I hear a voice
I know it well
   it tells me over and over
I am unworthy
I am unable to be loved
and when I look in the mirror
   it tells me 
I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me
   than a friend
and been around me 
   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 
   admit defeat
and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 
  can see these failings
I hope today my mask
  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong
   I pick myself up
and tell the voice "no"
  I am worthy
  I am loved
  and I will prove it. 
So I do my best
   on my own 
   to fight against it
   but I fail.

I hear the voice
I know it well.
It mocks me for trying
it points out my scars
   and my pain
it points out the wrongs 
   I commit 
   and how I will always keep failing.
Because of these
it tells me over and over 
I am unworthy 
I am unable to be loved 
and when I look in the mirror
    it tells me
I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 
    of goodness 
always adjusting it 
so people see 
what they want to see. 

They see a smile
   and that's what I want
because who loves a girl 
   who curls up in bed and cries
who loves a girl that is 
   falling apart
   and scared. 

They see a smile
   and that's what I want. 
But I hear a voice 
    and I know it well
a voice that is quick to cut
a voice that is louder than all others 
and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it
bury my head in shame
admit defeat
and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit
but there I hear a whisper 
it is very soft
"my child", "my love"
"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"
I tell the whisper.

But it repeats
"my child", "my love"
"my beauty", "my creation."
I open my eyes
see nothing there
so I doubt its existence.
"My child","my love"
"I am here for you
in darkness to be your light,
to be your hope
when you feel hopeless,
and to be your strength 
when you can't pick yourself up.
Remain in me 
and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 
the voice softens 
when I concentrate on that whisper
the shame of my failings 
    go away
and when I take in that whisper 
I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there
always quick to cut
and some times louder 
   than a battle cry.
But so is the whisper
it remains too.
I have to listen harder
  to hear it 
  but it is there
it calls to me over and over again.
"My child", "my love"
"my beauty", "my creation"
"I am here for you
I am here with you
   and I love you." 

Well today as I was listening to one of my playlist and I heard this song... All the Beauty (Kati's Story) by JJ Heller. 
The song reminded me of my poem and how much I still need to remember the words of God...

You call me lovely

You call me friend
You call me out of death and let me try again
You call me beloved
You call me clean
Then you show me all the beauty that you see in me

I love the way God reminds us of His love for us. 

1 comment:

Kathy said...

Hey Blaire! Beautiful and quite deep writing there. This also reminds me of the song The Voice of Truth :) I often feel this way as well. My shame, fears, failures, and weaknesses are always with me and but for those little and grand moments where God shows himself to us, they would keep me down. We are so very loved!