Fun writing Friday

*-I promised you a lighter topic in my last post...

Over the last couple of months I have shared with you bits and pieces of my story, but I thought it would be good to go back to the beginning. In my last story I shared (might have over shared) parts of my Sisters of Pine Haven. Sorry if you considered it an over share, but I found it really motivational to share my story in order to keep writing. I love writing, I can't remember a time I wasn't filling notebooks with stories in my head. Besides this blog and countless school papers I have never been able to sit down at a computer and just start writing. I have always had to write out by hand every story. Then I go back and type it up, I found it useful when I am writing and I get stuck to take that time to type up my story and let the inspiration come back to me. This method got me through the Sisters of Pine Haven, and it was the first work I was actually able to finish.

I will not be sharing the whole story (because I hope to get published one day) but I will be sharing chunks of it with you my loyal readers. So stay tuned...

Steam train leaving Euston Station, London
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My life begins with a letter. Maybe I should say my life changed with a letter since I received the infamous letter when I was twenty-three. It wasn't a bad letter but it forever changed my life. My new life began with a letter.

My dearest Rose,

                If you doubt the words I spoke to you the other night, don't. I have made you the promise of my love and my devotion forever.

                I have ordered us a simple room on the Northern Star Liner, it leaves from Liverpool on Wednesday and we will sail to New York as man and wife. No one can stop us not even the King. I promise. If you love me, meet me at Euston Station for the 6:15 train. I will be waiting to take you into my arms and away from the things of long ago.

                Believe when I say, all my love.

                In all the ways I pictured my life I never imagined I would be engaged to one man and running away with the man I did love. I had also never imagined love would cause so many knots in my stomach. As a child I imagined falling in love with a prince and having the fairy tale happy ending. However, my prince ended up being my best friend and the stable hand.

                It had been a week since I heard from Kelby but the plan was in motion. I could feel it. I looked at his letter once again then folded it up and slipped it in my hand bag. For the last week of May I felt a slight chill or maybe I just shivered from excitement. Either way I had to act confident and brave if I was ever going to pull this off.

                "Name?"

                "Rose Gray," I was happy to say without hesitation.

                "Well Mrs. Gray." The ticket master noticed my thin gold band with a piece of glass in it. "Your train will be at platform six."

                "Thank you," I said handing him my money and hoping he didn't notice my blush at the fact he called me "Mrs. Gray."

                We weren't married yet but I felt it better to travel under that name so it would be harder for my family to track our where abouts.  Besides Mathilda Elizabeth Rose Harrington daughter of Percival Harrington and Ethel Harrington of Belmark Square had had her engagement announcement and picture in every paper in London. I hoped going by Rose would at least give me a bit of security in case any official read the wedding announcements.

                I looked down at the ticket.

May 25, 1921

Euston to Liverpool

                I took a deep breath. It was all beginning.

To follow story follow link of Grand Days

Pin of the Week

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Facing some truths in my life

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The Ten Commandments
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I have been reading through the Old Testament and there is a big stress on idolatry and I guess this is easily thought to be bowing down to statue and maybe I have seen the movie The Ten Commandments too much because I sometimes picture that when I think of idolatry. While the commentary in my Bible always mention that idolatry can came in forms of wanting power, money or sex and I thought then I am good I don't really think about those things at least not in an obsessive way. So in some way I thought I was exempt from idolatry but in reading the Old Testament I have come to see myself more and more as an Israelite.


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Let me go back, I am a child of divorce, and while I never thought my parents divorce was my fault, I felt the ripples of their divorce and believed that I could lessen the pain of it if I made them both happy with me. So from a young age I was a "people pleaser" so much so much that I felt like people wouldn't love me unless I made them happy. In that I never felt good enough to be loved because no matter what I did I didn't feel like it was good enough. For example one time my dad and I were at the hardware store and he mentioned something about wearing make-up (at that time I didn't wear make-up) and I just started crying because I thought "Really, really. I had just finished high school and gotten into college and was trying so hard to be the 'good daughter' and you are concerned about my make-up." I now know my dad made that comment only to be helpful but I think it was the straw that broke the camel's back. And my dad was just there so confused by why I was crying. Anyway needless I have often felt like no matter what I did I just wasn't good enough. It kind of felt like there was this hole in me that no matter what I did I couldn't fill and until it was filled I kept thinking people wouldn't love me.

At my church we are going through the book of Hosea and talking about how God pursued the people of Israel. If you don't know the book of Hosea was commanded by God to marry a prostitute and in the story she runs back to her former ways and Hosea has to buy her freedom back. Hosea's life was a symbolism for God's love to his people. Because while they were praising other gods and falling for idolatry, God still loved them and still called them his people. It really is an amazing story. Last week my pastor was talking about idolatry and while this thought had been floating through my mind he said something about when we have idolatry in our lives it might present itself in different ways but at the heart of is idolatry. He gave an example but the best example of this comes from my own life.

I will say, while I have never sought power or money I have sought love and acceptance to the point where I would say it was my identity. In fact when I was dating my most serious boyfriend, to date, I started putting the hope and trust I should have in God in him and when it ended, it crushed me. I almost felt I lost my world.Anyway, going back, to my example I feel my desire to be loved and accepted as become my idol... it has manifested in people pleasing and it has manifested in my insecurities and in my pride. But at the heart of it, I just want to be loved.

The other day I was walking down the street thinking about my outfit hoping that it was cute and it hit me "hey I think its cute and I only have me and God to impress." And God made me, He formed me and He knows all the details of me. He knows my ups and downs, my good times and bad times and he knows all my flaws and He still calls me "Beloved." The verse Psalm 45:11 comes to mind "The King is enthralled by your beauty honor Him for he is the Lord."

As I am writing this it sounds silly that I struggle so much with love and acceptance because God loved me so much He sent His son to live a perfect and humble life, die as an innocent sacrifice for all my sins, and conquer death so I can have a new complete life in Him. I would love to say that I got this now under control but these feeling have deep roots in me and it is a process to get to. But I am blessed to have God, my family and friends to support me in this. And slowly I hope to hear God's words of love instead of the words of fear in me.

So while I may not be bowing down to a golden calf like the Israelites I definitely need to work on not bowing down to other gods in my life.

Hebrews 10:23- This verse has come to me a lot in the last few weeks
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*- I promise a lighter topic next time.

Song for Saturday

Oceans

Originally by Hillsong

I don't remember when I first heard this song. I know I first heard it at my church and since then I have been obsessed with it and I think it speaks to how I have been feeling lately. 

Lyrics: 

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

[6x]
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine