Honest Advent: Lingering with Uncertainty, Faith in the Waiting (Part 1)

Dear Reader,

From Amazon

Over Christmas (and let’s be honest and a little bit beyond (I’m a slow reader)),  I read Honest Advent, by Scott Erickson, and while it is post-Christmas, I find it interesting that Advent means “coming,” and we are still waiting for Jesus’ second coming, it is okay to share my thoughts on this. I will admit most Christmases just pass by, and I’m unchanged by the fact of Jesus’ arrival and His life, death, and resurrection. And my co-worker/friend, knowing these struggles, perhaps gave me this book to speak into my emotions. I will not harp further on my feelings, as I have written previously: “Searching for Joy in a season that should be bright.” As I stated in previous posts, I’m in a time of wandering, and the things I underlined and reflect on speak to those questions, though I am not sure I have answers. 

To start, in the chapter “Unease,” Erickson wrote, “But when you say to the Giver of your life, ‘I want my life to be meaningful. I want to serve you with my life. May it be so, according to what You desire,’ you have no idea what secret cosmic strategies have been put into play to answer that request” (pg. 55). I’ve often echoed the words of Isaiah, “Here I am, use me” (6:8), and yet, at times, I still feel nothing.

Continuing in the next chapter, Erickson writes, “I just know that the Divine is really really really really really detailed in Its working with us—and anytime I’m awakened to the intentionality, I’m filled with wonder” (pg. 60). I, too, know God is intimately detailed in our lives—He understood how our cells had to divide for us to grow, and how our hearts formed first as we were being knitted together in our mother’s womb. If God is so detailed and if He is moving in cosmic ways to answer my requests to be used by Him, why am I still lingering with uncertainty?

Sometimes, even when I trust that God is attentive to every detail and my requests are heard, I find myself waiting in the quiet spaces of uncertainty. Perhaps faith means continuing to say “Here I am” even when the answer is not immediately clear, trusting that what feels like silence is part of a much larger, unfolding story.

Erickson says. “The process of growth is always uneasy, because growth never comes through ease. It comes through stretching and expanding of one’s own capacity to push on ahead” (pg. 54). He also writes, “It is for love that you have been broken open so a larger capacity of faith, hope, and love can be built inside you. For love. It’s because you are loved” (pg.56). In that I can see, today in my prayer time today I wrote about my struggles (insecurities, doubts, feeling like I am a failure, finances, my pride, and feeling like I’m not doing enough.) Lord, I need you. You are sovereign, you know my ways, but what are your ways? ... You have a plan and a purpose. And maybe a purpose in these struggles is for me to depend on You, to lean on You, and maybe explore [remind] myself what I love. I love writing, both fiction and blog posts. I love to journal in that feeling close to You... How can I be of use to you in this? I don’t know if God will use me specifically in writing. I’m waiting for God, but also moving forward in writing, and if God uses this passion, it will be a wonderful outcome. Erickson did give questions about things to think about when you are uneasy. 

1. What is the conversation I can have only by being in this situation?

2. What parts of my life have I been able to uncover only by finding myself here?

3. What unexpected place might God want to meet me in during this uneasy time I’m experiencing? 

I will leave them here for you to ponder. 

As these questions linger, I’ve found myself returning to the pages of Honest Advent, discovering even more passages that speak into the tension and hope of this season. In Part 2, I’ll share more quotes and reflections that have challenged and encouraged me along the way—inviting you to wrestle and wonder with me.

Russian Winter: A Historical Fiction Novel of Ballet, Betrayal, and Boston

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 Dear Reader, 

Over Christmas, I picked up Russian Winter by Daphne Kalotay. I think my former New England heart wanted a bit of winter, and while I don't think I felt a chill of winter air come through the pages, I loved that part of the story was set in Boston, and it is clear the author in her mentions of the T, Dunkin Donuts, and descriptions of the Back Bay and Beacon Hill made it obvious she lives there or visits quiet often. I could picture where the characters sat and walked about, and that made me happy.

From the back of the book: 

When Nina Revskaya puts her remarkable jewelry collection up for auction, the former Bolshoi Ballet star finds herself overwhelmed by memories of her homeland, and of the events, both glorious and heartbreaking, that changed her life half a century earlier. It was in Russia that she discovered the magic of dance and fell in love, and where, faced with Stalinist aggression, a terrible discovery incited a deadly act of betrayal—and an ingenious escape to the West.

Nina has kept her secrets for half a lifetime. But now Drew Brooks, an inquisitive associate at a Boston auction house, and Grigori Solodin, a professor who believes Nina's jewels hold the key to unlocking his past, begin to unravel her story—setting in motion a series of revelations that will have life-altering consequences for them all.

What I liked: 

I don't know much about Russia (even though going to St. Petersburg is on my list), so I liked learning more about its history. Also, being told from the lens of an up-and-coming ballerina in the 1940s to 50s was a very interesting perspective, because while she wasn't involved in politics, she had friends and was herself affected by the politics of the time. 

What I didn't like, but learned to like:

At first, when I was reading Nina's memories, it was sometimes obvious that the writing had shifted from the present (I am guessing it took place in the early 2010s because of the technology mentioned) to the past. But that is fair because when I am deep in thought, thinking back to the past, I sometimes can't always distinguish the past from the present.  

Also, Nina's storyline has a lot of characters, some of whom I didn't understand the point of. And I told myself, "Well, I guess it wouldn't be a Russian novel without lots of characters." I haven't actually read a Russian novel, but in my one attempt to watch the mini-series War and Peace, there were a lot of characters. Eventually, the minor characters played a part in the story's plot twist, and I was shocked, but no spoilers. Kind of wish it hadn't taken about 400 pages to get there... but I move on. 

2016- War and Peace
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What I didn't like: 

There was one scene that I was nervous about with Nina and her love interest, Viktor, where they are sitting in the back of a crowded car (no seatbelt laws then), and it seems he is getting very sexual with her without having sex. I was worried this would carry on through the book, but it didn't.

Also, Nina and Viktor do end up getting married, but because Nina is focused on having a career as a star ballerina, she has abortions, most of which she doesn't even tell Viktor she is pregnant, because he wants to be a father.

Also, Nina and Viktor live with his mother, a former aristocrat in the old days (pre-Revolution), and she is snobby and puts Nina down a lot, and Viktor kind of shrugs it off, like you can't blame her, she is old and has had everything taken from her (which I get), but doesn't defend his wife. 

What I liked: 

In the present, Drew is a divorced woman (okay, I didn't like that), but it helps give the character depth, and she is figuring life out, figuring out what she wants, how to have relationships after brokenness, and how to be vulnerable again. Plus, her work as an "inquisitive associate at a Boston auction house" made research sound interesting. One, I love doing research... yep, total nerd. Also, personally, in my current WIP, my character is doing research, so I liked reading how to write scenes to make research interesting and not boring. 

Also, the ending of the story leaves part of Drew's story unfinished — details about her grandfather's past that come up but are not concluded. And while she has a happy ending, it is not tied up in a bow... and that is okay because that is life, and also gives the reader scope for imagination to wonder what will happen next. 

What I didn't like, but learned to like:

Another main character, Grigori, comes in, and at first, I didn't really get his purpose. But he actually plays a pivotal role in Drew's story. And Kalotay gave all her main characters side characters, backstory, and purpose, with or without the book being written. 

Quotes that sat with me: 

"For anything more than friendship--for real romance, passionate love--she would have to feel something very strong, strong enough for her to want to try again" (pg. 85). 

I feel that, right now, I am kind of hiding in place, restoring my relationship with God, and picking myself up from the brokenness of the ex. For me to want to try again, I would have to feel a very strong connection and a deep desire to let someone in. But I like the hope at the end of the story in Drew's relationship. 

"In fact, Drew herself had felt shaken, at the reality of those pictures, at the silent reminder: that people we are closest to can disappear like that, even the people most rooted in our lives, the ones we think of as constant" (pg. 370). 

If God is with you... (part 2)

Hello faithful readers,

In the first part of this reflection, I lingered in Gideon’s encounter with God, the questions, the hesitation, and the quiet reassurance of God’s presence. But as I sat with the story longer, I began to realize something: Gideon’s questions sound a lot like my own. 

For part one, click here. 

Part one

From this study, I noticed twice that God promised to be with Gideon. And this is not a promise limited to Gideon. God makes this promise in Exodus, Joshua, it is the last verse in Matthew... “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” (28:20), Jesus is also called Emmanuel, which means “God with us,” and “And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us...” (John 1:4).

Also, I noticed how much I am like Gideon:

1) In asking God, why has all this happened? And yet I know (sometimes) the mess I am walking through is because of the mistakes, the sins I have done—I know God forgives and redeems, like God pulled the Israelites out of the hands of the Midianites, but also you have to deal with the mess (the consequences of sin). Gideon asks the Angel, “Where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about...” And I feel kind of blatantly put God on trial, saying “But now the LORD has forsaken us...” (v.13) And maybe it is not an accusation but a cry of his heart?

How many times have I felt forsaken? And I just have to cling to the promise that God does not abandon or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:6, 8; Joshua 1:5; 1 Chronicles 28:20; and Hebrews 13:5). But then sit there and wonder if those words are true, and cry out again.

2) Gideon saying, “If I have now found favor in your sight, then show me a sign...” How many times have I wondered if I have favor with God? Am I worthy of asking for anything when I’m sure I fail a thousand times (a day)?  

But even in that, I have God’s assurances, “And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name, I will do it” (John 14:13,14). I am not a name-and-claim-it kind of person, because there are passages that speak of asking according to His will. But in time of wondering, my dad sent me a card with the verse 1 John 5:14 written on it.

-Now this is the confidence we have in Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  

3)Do I ask for signs? And am I confident that He will do the signs (if necessary)? If He does sign, do I recognize them, or like Gideon, do I ask for one more sign?

Wrapping this up, I will say in verse 34 it says, “But the Spirit of the LORD came upon Gideon...” Even in Gideon's flaws, God still gives him His presence.

I am reassured by verses like this and others that God grants me His presence.

-I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in Him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

-in whom you are also being built together for a dwelling place of God in the Spirit. (Ephesians 2:22)

-But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy. (1 Peter 2:21)

As I close this reflection, these are the questions I’m still sitting with:

• Where am I asking God for reassurance, even after He has already spoken?

• What promises of God am I struggling to believe right now?

• And maybe the question isn’t whether God is present, but whether I am willing to trust Him when He is? 

• Curious if you are brave enough to answer, where do you see yourself in Gideon’s story?

A terebinth tree

I guess this is how I imagine a terebinth tree in Israel, being this shady place to rest in the cool of the day, and since God would know where to meet us in the shade and in the cool places, and as God is to be our rest maybe this is why He hangs out in the terebinth trees to reveal Himself in the Old Testament.

If God Is With You… Why Does It Feel Like This?

Hello faithful readers, 

As I have said, one of my goals in life and with this blog is to write a Bible study... for this perfectionist, that is a big undertaking. Like, who am I to write a study? Where would I start? Am I even qualified? Well, after thinking, overthinking, and rethinking about it (a common habit of mine), I finally sat down and wrote one (well 2 blog posts), but I hope to write more.

Thanks for your support! 

Gideon with an angel... I'm assuming consuming the rock with fire

I have been going through a time of questions, and late in 2025 and earlier this year, I felt my prayers were going no further than the pages of my journal. I was left wondering, “Where is God?” “What does He desire?” And “Does He actually hear me?” This brings me to the story of Gideon (Judges 6).

The Angel of the Lord comes and sits down under the terebinth tree (v.11).* And the Angel says to Gideon, “The Lord is with you, mighty man of valor.” I highlighted that in green because it is a promise, and I wrote a “W” next to it, to remind me when God says He is with us. And Gideon asks if the Lord is with us, then why has all this happened?

The “all” he is referring to is that the Midianites have attacked and oppressed the people. It seems kind of a funny question because in verse 1, it is stated, “Then the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD. So the LORD delivered them into the hands of Midian. But God promised the Israelites in Deuteronomy 28:

-The Lord will open to you His good treasure, the heavens, to give rain to your land in its season, and to bless all the work of your hand...And the LORD will make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above only, and not be beneath, if you heed the commandments of the LORD your God, which I command you today, and are careful to observe them (v.12,13).

-But it shall come to pass, if you do not obey the voice of the LORD your God, to observe carefully all His commandments and His statutes which I command you today, that all these curses will come upon you (v.15)

Now I am going to go out on a limb and say that with the Israelites doing evil in the sight of the Lord, they were not doing as God commanded. So God was punishing them — or, as I like to think of it, correcting them so they would turn back to God.

In verse 14, the NKJV states, “The LORD turned to him,” (not the angel but the LORD) and says, “Go in the might of yours, and you shall save Israel from the Midianites. Have I not sent you?” I highlighted that in green too.

Then Gideon says, “If now I have found favor in Your sight, then show me a sign it is You who talk to me.” (v. 17). If you know the story of Gideon, he is famous or infamous for asking God three times about the fleece, whether it would be wet or dry (v.36-40). This is not that part of the story. Here, Gideon prepares a young goat and unleavened bread, puts the broth in a pot, and sets them under the terebinth trees. The Angel of God tells him to take the food, put it on a rock, and from the Angel’s staff he touched the meat and the bread, and fire rises out and consumes it, then the Angel departs (v. 19-21). Now Gideon realizes he has seen an Angel of the LORD face to face (v.22). Then the LORD said to Him, “Peace be to you; do not fear, you shall not die.” (And yes, I highlighted that in green too). And Gideon builds an altar and calls it THE-LORD-IS-Peace. (YHWH Shalom)” (v.23,24). 

Gideon’s story doesn’t end with answers; it begins with a question: Is God really with me?

In Part 2, I want to explore why I see myself so clearly in Gideon, and how God meets us when our faith wavers, our confidence is thin, and our questions feel unanswered.

*Side note: Someone could probably write a whole Old Testament study on terebinth trees; they seem to be very important. The Lord appears to Abram by the terebinth tree in his tent (Genesis 18). And Isaiah compares Israel to a terebinth, as from Israel’s stump, God would produce a holy seed (6:13). 

A terebinth tree 

As I was looking for the above picture found a quick YouTube video about terebinth trees

... then the sun came out

 Hello faithful readers,

In my last post (click here to read), I shared a glimpse of my struggle, how disconnected from life I’ve been feeling. I’ve also shared more with some of the prayerful women in my life (I’m sure I have prayerful men too; I’m just usually better at sharing my heart with women). Along with the disconnect, I’ve been wrestling with familiar fears: that I am unworthy of love, unlovable, a burden, or that I will always be alone. These are lies I’ve battled on and off for years. Most of the time, I can keep them at bay, but lately they’ve been loud.

I’ve also felt as though my prayers only reach as far as the journal page on which I write them.

And yet, I’ve actively tried to remind myself of the gospel: God who created the whole universe, wants a relationship with me, not because I am great, but because He created me and loved me, and proved His love by sending His Son (Hello Christmas!) who lived perfectly and on mision to restore people to His kingdom, died as the innocent lamb of God in my place, conquering death for me, and covering me by His blood, for me to have a relationship with Him, and rose from the dead so I no longer have face eternal death.*

I’ve prayed through the Psalms of Lament (Psalm 5) and the Psalms of Praise (Psalm 16). Still, my prayers felt as though they had little impact, and I continued to feel blocked.

If you’re an imagery person, it feels like I’m surrounded by ghostly figures. I can see through them, but they block my vision from truly reaching God or seeing what God desires for me.

One of my prayerful friends sent me a clip of Josh Howerton from Lake Pointe Church, sharing the story of Corrie ten Boom and her sister thanking God for the fleas. Yesterday (12/15), I tried that—thanking God for the “fleas” in my own life.

"Thank you for this low, distant feeling that keeps pressing me deeper into You.

Thank you for Your glory, hope, and strength.

…

Holy Spirit, search my heart.

Give my heart a new song of praise.

Lord, I know You hear my prayers, and that they are not stopping at the pages of this journal. You have me. You know my life. You love me, and You are faithful.

You are glorious, righteous, and secure.

…

You hold my heart.

Thank You, O God, that You hold my heart.

Thank You, O Lord, that my life is in Your hands— my future, anything romantic, finances, any mountains that come my way, any valleys that seek to hold me down, any work, all work for Your kingdom.

…

Thank You, Lord, that this moment, this season, and this earth are not the end-all, be-all of life. I have a home in heaven. One day, I will honestly sit on Your lap, hear Your whispers of love, and worship You face-to-face. While I long for that day, let me be of use. May I keep saying, “Here I am, Lord. Use me.”

Now to the moment that inspired the title of this post.

On Sunday, as part of my job, we hosted a large outing for our clients at a Christmas tree farm. It was a cold and windy day (in New England, it would’ve felt like a great December day). Sometimes our clients won’t attend ESL class if it’s cold, so I prayed that the sun would come out—that they would have a good day and hear loving truth.

About 10–20 minutes later, I was talking with a volunteer when my boss came up to me and said, “God heard your prayer.” Honestly, I had forgotten what I had prayed and asked, “What?” He reminded me that I had asked for the sun, and it came.

I’m not saying that everything suddenly feels better, or that I’m no longer struggling. But I wanted to share the renewed confidence I have in God. He is my hope, my anchor, and most days my sanity.

What “small answered prayer” might God be using to remind you today that He is near?

*I know that was one long run-on sentence. If you have questions, let me know.