Lonely Club... Table for One

Dear lovely readers,

Can I be vulnerable for this post?(If you want a more ligh hearted post click here.) Some of you guys are family or close friends and others of you are strangers who I only know because of this blogging world... but you guys share your lives through stories of vacations, pictures from wedding showers, or pics of your kids I don't have that to share all I have is my heart. (Okay that sounded really emo...maybe I should die my hair black and listen to punk music.)

These last few weeks I have felt very lonely, actually to be completely honest I have felt alone for most of this year. But these few weeks is has bubbled over and I can't hide it any more. Well, I can't hide it as well as I thought.

Have you ever felt alone and there were groups of people around?

That's how I feel, I have lots of friends but I still feel alone. I think (and maybe my thinking is not accurate) most of my friends are transitioning to new phases in life, getting married, being married, having kids, or just preparing for new and better things. I feel stuck, stuck in my sameness. Even though I am going to grad school, which should be cool and exciting chapter in my life it doesn't feel new and exciting. I feel that nothing in my life can really change till I am done with school, and I may not be done for another two to three years. Until then I am left in this feeling of not knowing what to do with my life.

I am also moving from my apartment I have lived in for three years, the last year by myself. It has become home to me, and it has felt very lonely packing it up by myself. I don't even like to pack for a trip by myself and that is for a weeks time, packing up my life has just been odd. Having my apartment full of boxes, and last night it felt weird packing up the last of my books. You book lovers will understand that books are like dear friends and putting them away just feels odd. If my future roommate is reading this please know I am SO looking forward to being your roommate and decorating our new place, I am just going through a mix of excited and sad feelings all at once.

Also these last few weeks I have felt like I am a low priority in my dad's life. I won't go into all the details of my dad and my relationship even though for the most part it is great now, just with our history I feel I easily slip into times when I doubt it. This is one of those moments. We have a time we talk every week and the last few weeks we haven't been able to talk at our usual time. He has been late, because of other things going on. I don't want to blame my family but I have felt left out because I am the only one of my siblings who isn't married or doesn't have a kid. That alone has made me feel very lonely and kind of lost, and asking what am I doing with my life?

I can't wait to be back in school when these feelings get swept under the rug because I am too busy to feel anything but hecticness (that's not a word but it should be). Come on September 2nd.

Thanks for reading my little pity party,
-Blaire

Creative Rules (Rules 1-6)

Inspired by my post on Friday about 33 ways to stay creative posted originally by FlutterHappy. I wanted to explore the rules I follow...

1. Make list... I guess I make grocery list, packing list, mental to do list, and reading list (not very creative).

2. Carry a notebook everywhere... Yes I carry 2 one where I write my story and the other one that I write thoughts for my story or this blog. I have carried notebooks with me for a long time because you never know where inspiration will hit.

3. Try Free Writing... sometimes. I don't know if I am very good at it though but when I find a quote I really like sometimes I write about how I feel about the quote or what the quote means to me.

4. Get away from the computer... I wish I could more often but my work requires me to be on the computer all day and this blog also makes me stay on the computer. But for my story time I am away from my computer.

5. Be otherworldly... I am not sure what this meant entirely so I looked it up make sure I understood it clearly. Dictionary.com says...
oth·er·world·ly   –adjective
of, pertaining to, or devoted to another world, as the world of imagination or the world to come.

Yes, sometimes I feel I live too much in the world of my imagination.

6. Quit beating yourself up... I am trying to do that. My dad calls me a "people pleaser"... and I know that's true so I take people's words (criticism more than anything very personally) so I have to give that up if I want to be a writer because not every one is going to like my work and I can't beat myself up over it.

More rules to come.

Thrill of Hope

Today I was just playing around my computer.... and I found this old story of mine.

I had the working title The Thrill of Hope based from a Christmas Song I love. This is the first page of what I wrote... but have written 44 pages according to Microsoft Word. Maybe one day I will get back to this story, though I will have to change some names as I repeat some of them in the Sisters of Pine Haven (funny how you fall in love with names).

The End

It is funny how we picture our lives are going to be when we grow up. As children we see ourselves falling in love, getting married, having children and during all these dreams we see smiles on our faces as if in life we will always be happy. I pictured Kelby and I sitting in a little flat, with a fire roaring, he would be sitting in a chair and I would be by his knee. I never pictured my life like this.

My dearest,
I have ordered us a simple state room on the Northern Star Liner it leaves from Liverpool on Monday. We will sail to New York as man and wife and no one can stop us. I promise. Meet me at the Euston station for the 6:15 train to Liverpool. I will be waiting to take you into my arms and away from all things long ago.
All my Love,
K.J

I had never imagined I would be engaged to one man nearly twenty years my elder and being forced to run away with the man I loved. I had also never imagined love would cause so many nervous knots to form under my belly button.
It had been a week since I had heard from Kelby but the plan was in motion I could feel it. I looked the letter once again then folded it up and slipped it into my white cotton glove. For the last week in August I felt a slight chill or maybe I just shivered from the excitement. Either way I had to act confident and brave of I was ever going to pull this off.
“Name?” the ticket master asked.
“Fiona James,” I was happy to say without hesitation.
“Well Mrs. James,” he said noticing the little tin ring with a piece of glass in it. This was the ring that had replaced Lord Welford’s gold band with the large ruby. “Here is your ticket.”
“Thank you,” I said softly blushing at the fact he called me Mrs. James.
I looked down and read.

August 25, 1919

Euston to Liverpool

I took a deep breath. It was all beginning.

To read more click here

Story Saturday

ETHAN FOSTER (PART 1)... PREVIEW

Grandma Danford had no statement to come back to the stranger. She simply cleared her throat and moved on to find out about Nicholas’ education. Grandma Danford had an opinion on all subjects brought up and she freely spoke them as the whole family knew they were indebted to her someway or another. Though Grandma Danford hardly spoke to Ethan, which could be seen as rude to not be gracious to a guest but Grandma Danford was at a loss when some one spoke out. But Emmy did find out that Ethan was from a prominent family in Sussex with a large estate there.Julia said it was such a it was such a shame that he was such a dull because he was very rich. If he had more of personality she would see him as a much better friend to Nicholas.

“Out of all the friends Nick has I find him the least interesting, I do not wish mother insisted for Nick to bring him. Last week he read us some of the the tales of King Arthur and never so much had I wanted Lancelot dead as I did that night. Though I suspect mother has long wanted us to marry, I guess that is why mother insisted on him.”

“So you do not like him?” Emmy asked her shyly.

“Heavens no, English men are so dreary and irksome.”

“He didn’t seem so at tea today.”

“Emmy, he hardly said five words,” Julia laughed at her cousin’s foolish swooning. “I wouldn’t

recommend you falling for him either, you are nearly eight years younger than him and I know you read novels but in real life men of wealthy families do not make unfortunate matches.”

“Thank you cousin for your warning and if my mind was going that way your warning would be wise but it wasn’t, you can have him.”

“Yes cousin,” Julia gave Emmy a smile a smile as if she didn’t believe her.

Emmy wouldn’t admit it to anyone but secretly and suddenly she did have a crush on Ethan. He had a gentle smile and was very sweet to everyone. He also didn’t treat any of the Cromwells poorly because they weren’t in the same rank as he was. And this kind behavior would attract any girl to him. But she soon saw the dreary ways Julia spoke of and though he was sweet she also saw they had little in comm with each other. He had no interest in adventure in seeing anything beyond his nose, he even described the hills of Italy ordinary. How could any one describe the hills of Italy as boring or not want to see the Serengeti Plans, she thought.

“In my foolishness, I have dreamt of my first love so long it is no one wonder I lost my head over Ethan,” Emmy wrote in her journal. She realized Julia had changed and she could not share her secret crush to her. “I have had so many almost love. There was Peter but he pushed me in the creek on the fourth of July, when I was nine. Then there was Andrew, Marcus, Robert, and Finley of course they were just sporadic loves it was Patrick Cooper that was my true love and he hardly noticed me. And while I waited patiently for him I had crushes on another Marcus, a John and a William. But William paid more attention to his pet frogs than girls. And while I had all these almost loves, I dreamed of having my own love it was no wonder I took to Ethan who was kind and noticed the way my eyes shined when he read some Keats. But besides Keats Ethan shows a lack of passion I would need. He would actually be perfect for Laurel.”

For more of the story click here

For Ethan Foster (Part 2) click here