Holding onto truths

Dear Anne,

These letters I write to you are suppose to help me feel I am writing to a friend instead of the entire internet, that way I feel I can truly talk about what is going on in my life. I have loved these letters to you because in them I feel I can express what is truly going on in my heart and mind. A friend asked me once if I minded putting out there things so very personal about myself, I said no. I love to write and I feel writing is the one way I can truly share myself. I would love to think that if what I write here resonates with some one or if some one reads these letters and knows they are not alone in their feelings. I spend so much of my life feeling alone, that if I can connect to someone through this blog I will be happy. So here I sit writing this letter.

Last Saturday night my co-worker and I went out. She did my make-up and dressed me up and we had a wonderful girls night. It took a strangers compliments but it was one of the few times in my life I felt beautiful. I don't mean to throw myself a pity party but I don't really see myself as beautiful, I have always written myself off as a Plain Jane... and I have been comfortable with it. I felt like I had gotten into a Princess Mia rut being comfortable saying "As usual this as good as its going to get" kind of rut. But then my friend dressed me up, did my make up and I felt beautiful.

Just in case you didn't know what I was talking about
{pic}

I know not every day is going to be an awesome looking  but when I look in the mirror I see the lies of shame and regret. This isn't right I know it isn't right but the lies are surrounding me. I honestly don't know what is going on with me... I feel trapped in. Mentally and emotionally trapped. But that Saturday night I felt free, thanks to a few drinks, I felt free. I know it is not true freedom but I felt loose and good about myself and it has been awhile since I have felt that way.

My friends keep telling me "not to be so hard on myself, that I am in a funk" and it's true I am in a funk. I know this is just a phase but it feels this phase is going on for a long time and has left me wondering what is true in my life. Do not worry, I do not question God's existence and I know He is in my life, I know this because if He was not I am sure I would be suffering from depression. Just right now I feel lost, I feel lost in the woods and the trees are so thick and blocking my view of the sky and my path. While I am feeling lost I am trying to hold on to God's truth of love, grace, and hope. I am also holding on to the blessings in my life my great friends in Boston, my church, and my family. 

From my "Thankful For" post

 So to conclude, while yes I know I am being really personal about my life, I feel if I didn't I wouldn't be being honest you or to myself. And if I can in anyway connect to someone out there I am happy this blog is out there. 

As always my love,
Blaire

Life update

It is amazing what 24 hours can do, or in this case one email can do....

As some of you might know I am getting my duel master's in Library Science and History. Well one large part of getting the History degree is writing a thesis. I did an under-grad thesis so I thought this would not be much different but it has felt completely different and overwhelming. So overwhelming that I was mentally paralyzed and it was like a cloud hanging over me. I had a plan to do my research over the summer and then come September hit the ground running with writing. Well that would have been good except for 2 things. One I was purely exhausted after last semester that I procrastinated working on my thesis proposal and then rushed to get in for the deadline, I will admit it was not my best work. Then when I sat down with a potential thesis advisor she had a lot of concerns over my thesis it really left me questioning what I wanted to, and I felt completely drained. I have since that meeting sunk away not even wanting to touch my books and I have felt passionless. I have even thought about dropping out of school because I was so uncertain about what I wanted to do. So after I had some hard conversations with my parents I thought about postponing writing my thesis.

Today the thesis councilor emailed me and asked me about my progress and I responded...

I have been thinking it over and wondering if my topic is truly what I want to write about. I have also been wondering if I could possibly not do the class this Fall and do it in the Spring of 2014? I know was "professor" concerned I would be spending all Fall researching and not getting it completed before December. I feel I need more time going over secondary resources and through that figuring out the more if this is really the path I want to take, or what aspect more precisely I want to focus on. 

She responded...
I think it sounds like a good and sane plan to take the fall to do the preliminary research and secondary reading, and then to take the thesis writers' course in the spring. I suspect you will be happier writing your thesis when you have a stronger sense of the sources you will use and the questions you want to ask. This strikes me as a responsible decision.

It is amazing I feel such a relief. So I will not be graduating in December as I thought but in May, which I am totally okay with. I'd rather take my time and do good work than feel rushed and overwhelmed.

In the Fall I will be doing my internship and taking a children's librarian class. The children's librarian class is not apart of my track just something I am interested in and it will be good to see if this is another path.

Sorry if this all doesn't make sense, I am just happy to lessen my mental plate. I know this summer I just want to read novels and get some fun writing in.

I will keep you posted on all sorts of progress and changes in my life.

ssshhh part 2

Hello readers,

For some reason blog spot is working on Internet Explorer but not on Chrome... what? So good news I can post from home. I am just surprised that I cannot get it to work from Chrome. Oh well at least it works some place so I can continue this blog.

I just passed 300 post! So time for some blogging celebration.

Thank you loyal readers who have been around since post #1.

Just good for celebration!

sssshhhh

Screen shot from "I Capture the Castle"

Dear Readers,

I am having trouble with blog spot and composing a post on my computer at home but somehow it is working fine on my work computer. For a bit last night I thought of switching over to Wordpress... but I couldn't get it to feel the same as this blog. I have grown emotionally attached to this blog. So I decided to write at home copy and paste them when I am at work. It should not take me that much time to do the copy and pasting it here (in my composing area) and I am blessed with a job that has slow moments.

Maybe with all that is going on in my life, I should take the sign of blog spot not working as a sign and focus on other things besides this blog. But I come to this blog as a release. I feel better after writing my little nothings and I don't know if I could get through my days without this blog. As I said I have an emotional attachment to this blog.

So I will have to be working on this blog under cover (as much as you can do under cover online).

-Blaire