Finding my passion

I want to blog more, I do I really do but right now I feel I am stuck and I feel I have written the same post over and over.

Today in my quiet time I read Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.. I know I have talked about this book before and yet again I am amazed that in reading it that chapters hit me and speak to me in certain ways. I believe there is almost like a power behind reading a book, article or blog post at just the right time. This chapter was about "love" not romantic love but about loving God and others. The greatest commandment is "Love the Lord God with all your heart and all your mind" the second follows "Love your neighbor as yourself." These two ideas sum up the entire ten commandments.

The chapter focuses on we show our love by our time. When I type it out it sounds simple but is it? I am the first one to admit when I am overwhelmed by life I back away from my relationships and just want to focus on my work. Last semester when I was finishing my thesis I felt I had no life besides my thesis and my relationships with my friends and family took a back seat. I thought this was necessary to get through things. But when I finished my thesis I realized how miserably isolated I had become. I also realized I had true friends and family who supported me through all of it and were so ready to rejoice when I was done.

Some of my support team 

When I first started writing this post I thought about saying I was going on hiatus from blogging while I figure things out. Hence, the "under construction" sign because I feel like my life is under construction... being newly graduated and thinking about what to do with my life.

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Going back to love: I keep saying I want to make a difference in this world. If you have read my blog long enough you are probably getting annoyed with this phrase. Anyway, as much as I say it... I don't do anything. Which, when typing that out seems ridiculous. If I want to do something I should just start. I guess my question is where?

I have a few friends going through job searches and when they say "I don't know what to do with my life," I ask them "what are you passionate about?" I think I need to turn the question on myself and figure out what I am passionate about and turn that into action. 

If my time is my love then I am showing a great amount of love towards Pinterest, TV, and other mindless things. And why? These things are not eternal. They are hardly life giving. So what is eternal? What is life giving?  

The basic and really hard answer is LOVE. 

So I leave this post with more questions than answers but I think I know my next step... find my passion. 

Happy Easter!

HAPPY EASTER!

Every Easter I love watching the wonderful musical Easter Parade. 

(Since I originally posted this back in 2012 the video I had shared has been removed here is another great scene)

When ever holidays come around it is funny what you remember, things I remember from Easter...

1. I am not sure if we watched it on Easter or not but I remember watching the movie Easter Parade at my Nana and Grandpa's house and now every Easter I want to watch it.

2. Easter dresses- I remember every year having to wear white tights and patent leather shoes, at least until I was in my teens and the first year I did not wear those items I felt so grown up.

Some Examples of my Easter Dresses:

My sister, Granddad and I

My dad and I. 

3. Bunnies -I remember every year my mom got us a stuffed bunny for Easter, one of them was rose colored and I named her Felicity. We put all our bunnies on top of our fireplace mantel and we called it bunnies on parade.

4. Easter Brunch- When we were at my mom's house we always went out for a special brunch, they were probably the nicest meals we ate growing up.

5. New York City- when I was in 6th grade my mom took my sister and I to New York City and we stayed in the Plaza Hotel.Sad to say I don't remember much about that trip. I went to the Disney store near time square and I begged my mom that instead of my Easter bunny to buy a vintage looking Eeyore. I know it might be silly but it is still the stuff animal I sleep with.

6. Easter egg hunts- I remember when my Grandma would put bible verses in little eggs... when you are kid you look forward to the candy so I always felt chipped getting Easter eggs with verses. Now I am glad that she tried to keep Easter still close to God, when so many people make it about the Easter bunny. Also I remember my younger cousin, who is at least seven years younger than me, enjoyed Easter egg hunts much longer than we did but I felt bad she didn't have some one to play with so I pretended to be excited about Easter egg hunts even when I was fourteen.

7. Peeps- I know a lot of people find peeps disgusting. But I love them. One year in college I put on Facebook about how I didn't get any Peeps that year and she sent me boxes of Peeps. But I am a traditionalist I only eat Peeps at Easter time.

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Hope you have a wonderful Easter!

The Finale

Wrong ladder?

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I was talking to my dad and we got to an awkward part of the conversation about my student loans and my work life. He never wants to put his nose in my business (unless I let him) but as I am his child he is concerned about me. But he knows I am struggling after being done with school with looking for a job and trying to make ends meet (which is true for a lot of fresh graduates). Any way, he said something "I just don't want you climbing up the wrong ladder only to discover it is the wrong ladder."

I wrote that last paragraph on Tuesday and if I continued it his post probably be a "woe is me" post and I have written enough of those lately. While I want this blog to be true to my feelings I don't need to keep writing "boo poor me" post. (Sometimes I am really way to self involved and think only of myself. But there is a whole big world beyond myself and this computer.)
I went to grad-school and got my Master's in Library Science and Master's in History. There were moments when I felt I was going to drop out, not because it was too hard but because I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted to do with my life. I have now finished my degree and I am happy to now have my masters under my belt but it doesn't help me know what to do with my life. I went into Library Science because I wanted to work for the Library of Congress and while that would still be awesome I am not sure if that is my life goal. So I changed my mind I wanted to become a reference archivist. I wanted to help people with their research. Now I have a job as a researcher for a start-up company and it is a good job and often when I leave my desk I know I have helped my boss.

Today, I read the verses:

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to us... If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously... (Romans 12:6-8 NIV)

I have a bright teal post-it in that page that I wrote years ago saying:

I really like reading that verse because I often beat myself up for "not being good enough" that just hurts my self-esteem and I cut down on God's creation. I'm not perfect but God made me beautiful work and I shouldn't be so negative. 

 I think I listen to my negative voices more than anything else. I even told my dad on Monday night that I kept him out of certain areas of my life because I didn't want to disappoint him. He told me that I would never disappoint him. But it is still hard to let go of the voice of disappointment.

I think I am more disappointed in myself (I write that very carefully knowing my mom is a loyal reader of my blog). In high school and college I had a plan for my life... Once I got out of high school I had planned out my life in detail and now I feel like none of those dreams or aspirations are true anymore. And the truth is I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't write that in the "boo hoo" kind of way but just in a very matter of fact kind of way.

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Going back to the verses I read this morning, we all have different gifts that we should use to help improve our little corner of the world. The little notes in my bible said we can't change the whole world by ourselves but the body of Christ can.  

I wrote all that before I wrote my post, Not Forsaken pt.4

Lately I have been feeling passionless and I think its because I have not felt God's presence in my life. I believe God is using this time to help me grow in my patience as I wait till what comes next. I think He is also using this time to see if I will truly trust His guidance. I know I have quoted this friend before but the words keep coming back to me about God wanting our best. But I don't think He is just going to give it to us. He is going to make us wait, struggle and keep hoping for it. I say this not because I think God is cruel... not at all.

But imagine if we got everything we wanted the moment you wanted it. While that sounds great at first I think we wouldn't value the things we had, and we wouldn't appreciate the things we got. I know for example when I got my very first pay check and realized when I wanted to buy something how many hours I had to work to pay for it. It started to put things in perspective and if I really wanted something expensive I would save and wait for it. Then when I got it, it was worth the wait. Sometimes I would want a nice bag (for example) so I would save and wait. While I was saving and waiting I would find an opportunity to go visit my sister (a plane ticket). To me the visit to see my sister was more important than the bag and I could buy both so I would switch my priorities.

I think God is using this time for me to wait and save and to hold out for something better then just temporarily filling my life what might be good and waiting for the best.

I have more thoughts but I feel this post has become quite a tangent. I think I need to refocus my thoughts.

Don't forget what makes you happy

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Hello Lovely Readers,

I feel I have fallen into a trap.

I am attempting to write a historical novel, set during WWI. The only problem is minus a few books, watching Downton Abbey and following the blog Edwardian Promenade that frequently has post on WWI on Wednesdays... I know very little about WWI. It is not something they focus on here in America as much as they focus on WWII. And even though I was a history student I never took a class on the subject so I feel I am coming to my story with very little information.

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Any way, I am trying to read a lot on WWI but sometimes I feel overwhelmed by information. I want my story to sound historically accurate but I want it to feel like a novel and not some history paper. I am taking some artistic license having a girl fall for a servant (thanks Sybil and Branson for that inspiration)... which I know would probably never happen in real life. As Dowager Countess says "it is better in novels than in real life" (not the exact quote).

But while I am trying to learn so much I feel I have lost my motivation. I feel like someone has already written the story, some will do it better than me, or what if I get it wrong then I will be a fraud. Oh my goodness do these thoughts create other frustrations in writers?

So while I still love WWI and I know I NEED to read more about it and do some research I am going to take a little break and just enjoy writing. My brain is a little overwhelmed at the minute with trying to do research and with life thing, so I decided at least for my next few books I am going to read things that are a little light and fluffy.

I am recently finished Keeping the Castle, it is my 5th book in my 26 book challenge and I picked it because of its cover. But the story is suppose to be good for those who love Pride and Prejudice and I Capture the Castle both of those are on my favorite list.

I think as a writer we can research as much as we want but sometimes we just need to read a novel just for some fun and lightheartedness.

I also know as a previous history student you will never be able to tell the whole story of WWI (as it was pretty big thing) so I need to keep focus on my writing and the reason I was motivated to write this story.