Wrong ladder?

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I was talking to my dad and we got to an awkward part of the conversation about my student loans and my work life. He never wants to put his nose in my business (unless I let him) but as I am his child he is concerned about me. But he knows I am struggling after being done with school with looking for a job and trying to make ends meet (which is true for a lot of fresh graduates). Any way, he said something "I just don't want you climbing up the wrong ladder only to discover it is the wrong ladder."

I wrote that last paragraph on Tuesday and if I continued it his post probably be a "woe is me" post and I have written enough of those lately. While I want this blog to be true to my feelings I don't need to keep writing "boo poor me" post. (Sometimes I am really way to self involved and think only of myself. But there is a whole big world beyond myself and this computer.)
I went to grad-school and got my Master's in Library Science and Master's in History. There were moments when I felt I was going to drop out, not because it was too hard but because I wasn't sure if it was what I wanted to do with my life. I have now finished my degree and I am happy to now have my masters under my belt but it doesn't help me know what to do with my life. I went into Library Science because I wanted to work for the Library of Congress and while that would still be awesome I am not sure if that is my life goal. So I changed my mind I wanted to become a reference archivist. I wanted to help people with their research. Now I have a job as a researcher for a start-up company and it is a good job and often when I leave my desk I know I have helped my boss.

Today, I read the verses:

We have different gifts, according to the grace given to us... If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously... (Romans 12:6-8 NIV)

I have a bright teal post-it in that page that I wrote years ago saying:

I really like reading that verse because I often beat myself up for "not being good enough" that just hurts my self-esteem and I cut down on God's creation. I'm not perfect but God made me beautiful work and I shouldn't be so negative. 

 I think I listen to my negative voices more than anything else. I even told my dad on Monday night that I kept him out of certain areas of my life because I didn't want to disappoint him. He told me that I would never disappoint him. But it is still hard to let go of the voice of disappointment.

I think I am more disappointed in myself (I write that very carefully knowing my mom is a loyal reader of my blog). In high school and college I had a plan for my life... Once I got out of high school I had planned out my life in detail and now I feel like none of those dreams or aspirations are true anymore. And the truth is I don't know what I want to do with my life. I don't write that in the "boo hoo" kind of way but just in a very matter of fact kind of way.

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Going back to the verses I read this morning, we all have different gifts that we should use to help improve our little corner of the world. The little notes in my bible said we can't change the whole world by ourselves but the body of Christ can.  

I wrote all that before I wrote my post, Not Forsaken pt.4

Lately I have been feeling passionless and I think its because I have not felt God's presence in my life. I believe God is using this time to help me grow in my patience as I wait till what comes next. I think He is also using this time to see if I will truly trust His guidance. I know I have quoted this friend before but the words keep coming back to me about God wanting our best. But I don't think He is just going to give it to us. He is going to make us wait, struggle and keep hoping for it. I say this not because I think God is cruel... not at all.

But imagine if we got everything we wanted the moment you wanted it. While that sounds great at first I think we wouldn't value the things we had, and we wouldn't appreciate the things we got. I know for example when I got my very first pay check and realized when I wanted to buy something how many hours I had to work to pay for it. It started to put things in perspective and if I really wanted something expensive I would save and wait for it. Then when I got it, it was worth the wait. Sometimes I would want a nice bag (for example) so I would save and wait. While I was saving and waiting I would find an opportunity to go visit my sister (a plane ticket). To me the visit to see my sister was more important than the bag and I could buy both so I would switch my priorities.

I think God is using this time for me to wait and save and to hold out for something better then just temporarily filling my life what might be good and waiting for the best.

I have more thoughts but I feel this post has become quite a tangent. I think I need to refocus my thoughts.