A little road mapping

I will admit I look back at my life a lot. I am sure a lot of us do. Sometimes we look back and we see happy times with family and loved ones. Sometimes we see pain heart breaks and challenges. I think we can all agree that that is the mix of life. I know many times I look back over my life (which hasn't been that long) and see things that didn't make sense in the present but now I know they have made me who I am. For example when I was 10 my Nana passed away. She was the first death I ever really experienced and I wasn't happy that she was gone but with in a year of her passing away my mom moved us out to the west coast. My mom made me repeat the 5th grade, all these events I didn't understand but now I see how shaping they were. If I hadn't moved to the west coast, I don't know if I would have ever been brave enough to move myself to the east coast, and it is here I have found my own little home. And living on the west coast where people didn't know me my whole life most people assumed my pesky speech impediment was an accent, and I no longer got teased for it. After my repeat of the 5th grade my grades got better and I took some time to just get in the flow of it. Also my 5th grade year I had an awesome teacher, Mr. Bacon, who besides my parents encouraged me to write. But in the moment my Nana's death, the move, the repeating 5th grade none of it made sense... but I think how puzzle pieces fit together to make me me.

I don't know about you but sometimes I look back and I can only see the mistakes I have made and I hold on to those tighter than I hold on to my accomplishments. I know there are a lot of motivational quotes that say don't let mistakes define you but it is hard for me. Even when all the world is telling me "I am good" I feel myself criticizing myself ( I am my worst critic). You might be thinking I am in a low place in my life again, and actually that's not true I am just over thinking things and just writing it out helps.

I had a relationship with a guy, over a year ago, but he was the man I thought I was going to get married to. I have a deep desire to be a wife (as you can probably tell from my other blog posts) so when I thought I was going to marry this guy I put all my hope into that relationship. I felt I gave it my all and when it ended I had nothing left. Now of course I had great friends who held on to me and lifted me up. But it took me a really long time to get over him. And I still work on it but there is a deep part of me that knows I need to move on and a really anxious (anxious because I want to be in love again) that is telling me I want to move on. But some how deeper down I worry... I worry about making the same mistakes all over again, I worry about being crushed all over again. I guess those all factors of life.

As I was writing that last part I remembered the quote "if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love" so I googled it and found out it was from the movie "A Lot Like Love" but as I was googling the quote google was showing me this other quote "If you're not willing to risk it all, then you don't want it bad enough" - Unknown. So maybe I just need the reminder if I want something bad enough I will have to face the idea I will make mistakes (we all do) but I can't hold on to my mistakes I have made in the past. I just need to let them teach me and not define me. 

I looked up the word "risk" on Pinterest and got some interesting quotes, here are my favorites...

So maybe I shouldn't be so timid by my past mistakes and take a little bit of risk... I know the Lord has blessed me so far and not matter what happens next he will use it to shape my future.

I enjoy being a girl

Okay minus all the drama, that just seems to happen because we are girls, and girls just have drama... if you are thinking "nu'uh" you have been lying to yourself.

This will be my only mention of the show Gossip Girls on this Blog.



Last night through a conversation I remembered why I love being a girl

1. We can wear dresses/skirts/ carpi's or pants to the office and still be good...

guys can only wear pants no matter how hot it is outside.

2. We can cry and everyone ask if we are all right...

guys need to be tough and if they cry we are confused.

(though for some odd reason I love when my dad cries... he shows me he is sensitive).

3. We can be sensitive...

guys have sensitive sides but hide them.

4. We can also be tough...

guys are sadly told to only be tough.

5. We can dance stupidly...

guys have to be cool.

(Come on we have all seen the movie Hitch).

But my favorite reason...

6. We can like girly things, for example Jane Austen

and still like boyish things, for example football...

Guys are told to only like boyish thing and if they do like girl things

eye brows are raised, or they have to hide it.

 I know there are more reasons but this is what I thought of.

A Sap at Heart (part 3)

To My future husband,

I don't know your face,

or the color of your eyes

but I look forward to the day you hold my hand,

and knowing you will be holding it forever.

I look forward to the day

we say those three little words,

that mean so much.

I know I put up walls,

that we will have to knock down together.

Sometimes it will be harder than we think.

I know my heart is a little a bruised

but it will love you.

And when life gets hard,

I look forward to your shoulder to cry on.

Then in your own special way,

you will hold me and tell me things will be okay.

I know God is watching us

leading us to one another,

I don't know when and where

so I pray for you.

I pray that God is molding you,

into the man He wants you to be.

I pray God is guiding your steps

so you are going in the ways He wants.

I pray God is guarding your heart

and giving you strength to be patient.

I pray God is making you into the man

I will openly submit to.

And that God is always your number one priority

so I can happily be your number two.

I pray for us together

in the good times and the bad

that we will be a team

looking out for one another,

holding on to one another,

never letting go of our love

and never letting go of Christ.

I pray we keep our focus

on the one that matters most

so when we raise our children

we can teach them the way to go.

Let us not forget the rings we will wear

symbolize a completeness

that can never be broken.

Whenever I miss you,

I lift you up to God.

I know He will bring us together

in His own wonderful, perfect timing.

So I ask for patience as I wait for you.

And pray for my heart not to wander,

so I can give it to you

on our wedding day,

and everyday after.

Have a good day my husband to be,

can't wait to meet you. 

Daddy's Girl

I am not sure what is going on but I love the look he has on his face.

People in my present life may not know this but my dad and I have not always been as close as we are now. We definitely we had a great divide in our relationship during my high school years when I told him half truths and basically tried to keep him out of my life as much as possible... I won't go into all the details. Back then I never thought I would be as close to my dad as I am today. But then life changed. I grew up a bit and began to more actively walk in my faith and our relationship became closer. I live in Boston and he lives in Oklahoma but I feel closer to him now than I did when I lived in Oklahoma. 

My dad and I playing around

My dad an I have had several hard conversations sometimes where I have to stand up for myself in what I need or want from him. We have had many conversations I have cried during and they are mix of tears from happiness/sadness/ and relief. But I know he will be there to call me or text me again and tell me he loves me. And I always look forward to getting off the plane and having him there with a big hug and the fact I still like to cuddle on his lap.

My dad and I at my sister's wedding

Well last night we had our Monday night phone date and we had a range of topics to cover and some how we got on the topic where he told me my Grandad (who passed away last October) was proud of me... well the water works started. I always knew my Grandad loved me but I never knew he was proud of me. I said with out really thinking "why don't the Hiebsch men tell people that" he asked "what do you mean?" I reminded him the first time I remember him ever saying he was proud of me was my senior year of high school. I think he was stunned.



My Grandad and I

It is so funny, how much I compare my life to others. I look at my life and so many times I wish I was my sisters, both of them married and one with a cute little girl. And sometimes, when I am really low, I feel like I am failing because I feel my life doesn't feel as good as theirs looks. But then last night my dad told me he was proud of me. And it reminded me I am not failing, I am just on a different path.



One of my favorite picture of us

Just thinking about it his love for me reminds me of God's love (though we have our faults). There was a time I rebelled and pushed him out of my life but He is always there with open arms to hug me when I am in His presence and let me still climb on His lap. There is still hurt we are working through together but He is there to listen to my cries and He wants to wipe all my tears away. Sometimes like any good father what He has to say hurts but its the truth and knowing that will make me a better person and He always has my best interest at heart even if I don't know what that is.