God's little reminder

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Last May I wrote a post called "Things I am afraid to tell you" in the post I shared this poem...

I hear a voice

I know it well

   it tells me over and over

I am unworthy

I am unable to be loved

and when I look in the mirror

   it tells me 

I am ugly.

This voice is closer to me

   than a friend

and been around me 

   since I was a little girl. 

I hide my face 

   admit defeat

and walk with shame.

I hope no one else 

  can see these failings

I hope today my mask

  of goodness stays in place. 

When I am strong

   I pick myself up

and tell the voice "no"

  I am worthy

  I am loved

  and I will prove it. 

So I do my best

   on my own 

   to fight against it

   but I fail.

I hear the voice

I know it well.

It mocks me for trying

it points out my scars

   and my pain

it points out the wrongs 

   I commit 

   and how I will always keep failing.

Because of these

it tells me over and over 

I am unworthy 

I am unable to be loved 

and when I look in the mirror

    it tells me

I am ugly.

So I continue with my mask 

    of goodness 

always adjusting it 

so people see 

what they want to see. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want

because who loves a girl 

   who curls up in bed and cries

who loves a girl that is 

   falling apart

   lonely,

   and scared. 

They see a smile

   and that's what I want. 

But I hear a voice 

    and I know it well

a voice that is quick to cut

a voice that is louder than all others 

and a voice I would die to silence.

I hear it

bury my head in shame

admit defeat

and curl up in a dark spot.

There I sit

but there I hear a whisper 

it is very soft

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

"You must have me wrong"

I tell the whisper.

But it repeats

"my child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation."

I open my eyes

see nothing there

so I doubt its existence.

"My child","my love"

"I am here for you

in darkness to be your light,

to be your hope

when you feel hopeless,

and to be your strength 

when you can't pick yourself up.

Remain in me 

and I will remain in you."

When I cling to that whisper 

the voice softens 

when I concentrate on that whisper

the shame of my failings 

    go away

and when I take in that whisper 

I feel blessed and loved.

But the voice is always there

always quick to cut

and some times louder 

   than a battle cry.

But so is the whisper

it remains too.

I have to listen harder

  to hear it 

  but it is there

it calls to me over and over again.

"My child", "my love"

"my beauty", "my creation"

"I am here for you

I am here with you

   and I love you." 

Well today as I was listening to one of my playlist and I heard this song... All the Beauty (Kati's Story) by JJ Heller. 

The song reminded me of my poem and how much I still need to remember the words of God...

You call me lovely

You call me friend

You call me out of death and let me try again

You call me beloved

You call me clean

Then you show me all the beauty that you see in me

 

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I love the way God reminds us of His love for us. 

Writing is my little oasis

Hello Lovely Readers,

I know it has been a long time since I have published any part of my story... so long some of you might have thought I have given up writing. Well fear not, I have not. I have gone back and forth on this mentally, my friend advised me not to publish my story on the internet because a publisher would not touch my story if people had free access to it. I followed that advise. But to be honest through all my thoughts on how this blog should be, sharing my story was a very important factor of writing this blog. I hope to one day be published but I still want to share some of my victories with my loyal readers.

I am still working on my story, even with going to grad-school full time I have found writing to be my little oasis. However it does take me awhile as for the most part I can still only write through hand writing then typing it up. I have written at few odd intervals and have tried to keep up on transcribing it, but it is hard. Any way Saturday I passed 80,000 words typed up... a victory for me! I can't wait till I across 100,000 words. 

Any way here is a little part of my story that got me up to 80,000 words.

Hope you have a nice week.

~~~~~~~~~~~

My dear sweet Emmy,

            How I have missed your company. If Laurel and your mother can spare you, I beg you to be my companion at Mr. and Mrs. Netherfields’ dinner. Mr. Dumont cannot attend with me and I would hate to throw off Mrs. Netherfields’ table when we have already agreed to go. Your cousins Mr. and Mrs. Nicholas Danford are coming and I know how much she has missed your company. I believe there will be another party of interest there as well.

Please write as quick as you can.

Yours Always,

Aunt Iris.

“Another party,” Emmy could tell right away she meant Brandon. Aunt Iris had always been do keen on pushing Brandon and her together. “Oh heavens I suppose I shall have to face him soon enough,” Emmy said to herself.

“Saunders said there was a letter from Iris, what does she want?” Fiona said coming into the room.

“She is begging me to accompany her to the Netherfields’ dinner. That is if you and Laurel can spare me.”

“Oh you must go, the Netherfields are some of the highest society and their parties are so grand. You will meet a great number of people I should say and it is not right for you to stay cooped up in here. I insist you go.”

“Nicholas and Kathryn will be there and I suspect Mr. Brandon James as well.”

“Well you must go, they are such dear friends.”

“Yes mother.”

Emmy had not told mother about Caleb or Brandon. Perhaps she should go, see Brandon in public and it would the best to do that at a large gathering. If they were alone in conversation they could make small talk and try to pretend nothing had happened.

“Go and come back with a nice report to tell us all that happened,” Laurel said when Emmy discussed it with her.

“All that happens?”

“Yes I want to see the room come alive, remember all the details of the women’s dresses, the flowers in the centerpieces, and how the food tastes. The Netherfields are known for being quite refined in all aspects and I want a full report.”

“You want to know all that happens?”

“Of course I do.”

“Every detail, every awkward moment, every uncomfortable glance.”

“I am sure it will not be that bad.”

“I am sure it will.”

“Well try your best to enjoy yourself.”

“I will try for your sake.”

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Emmy wore one of her new gowns. It was dark green with rose pink accents. Moth told her the green brought out her eyes. Every time Emmy dressed up now for society she still felt as if she was playing dress up. A woman was showing up more and more in the reflection but she felt so much like a girl in her mother’s dress and shoes.

           Aunt Iris was most happy to have her as her companion and promised to show her off. The Netherfields and all their associates were in the highest social standing. It would be good for Emmy to get known in these circles.

When they arrived and gave their welcomes to their host and hostess Emmy was quick to find Kathryn. Kathryn was all kindness and asked after Laurel. It was all such a miserable circumstance, Kathryn said. Then Emmy asked after Brandon. Kathryn either didn't know anything of their last interaction or was a very good actress and pretended not  to know anything. Either way, Emmy supposed it did not matter as Kathryn said he was not coming. She said work had kept him so hectic these last few weeks that he hardly called on her and that he practically slept in the office. Then she lowered her voice and spoke at a volume only Emmy could hear and admitted that both Julia and Caleb were to come. Emmy felt a little light headed but could not let her friend see. Kathryn was not able to finish her next sentence for at that very moment Julia walked in.

“Emmy darling.”

“Hello Julia.”

“I did not know you were going to be here, is Laurel here as well?”

“No I am afraid that Laurel is too ill to be out of the house.”

“That is a shame to miss such a night as this.”

“I will let her know that I send her your regards.”

            "Please do. It is a shame she is not here tonight for I had such wonderful news, I wanted to share it with both my cousins and my sister."

            "What is it?" Kathryn asked knowing Emmy did not have the heart to.

           

            "Mother and father have given me their permission for Caleb and I to marry next month. It turns out father has given Caleb a position in his office, so I shall not be moving to New York as I hoped but this will be perfect as I will still be close to home and my family. Any way Caleb has to do for father in German, I believe, so father is letting us get married and then we will got to Germany on our honeymoon. Oh it is all perfect. Of course I'd rather go to France or Italy like you did dear sister," she said smiling at Kathryn. "But if we can get married sooner all the better. I cannot imagine sending Caleb to Germany as I anxiously await his return with a ring on my finger." Julia paid little to the fact Emmy was growing whiter with each word out of her mouth. "Now, dearest Emmy, I know we had our little disagreements last summer but I do hope we can put that behind us and you will be my bride's maid. I have lots of friends but no friend can replace the closeness of family bonds."

           

            Emmy could barely speak but somehow mustered the strength to shake her head yes. She also somehow was able to convey a smile to let Julia believe she was truly happy for her.

            

Delight yourself in the Lord

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Hello Lovely Readers,

It is another cloudy day in Boston and on cloudy days there is nothing I love more than sitting on my bed, sipping on coffee and getting some writing done. I find cloudy/rainy days to be so inspiring. Fortunately today my morning class was cancelled so I could sleep in a bit and then wake up slowly, do my quiet time, and now sit here and write this post. 

Delight yourself in the Lord

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

-Psalm 37:4

I know that verse is used a lot. At first reading it should seem like that God should give you whatever you desire/want. So many times we do not get what we want. Does that mean this verse is a lie? No. I think this verse tells us there is a process (a process I am still learning).

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart- Jeremiah 29:13. The most important part in these verses is the Lord. When we seek God with all our hearts, we will find God. When we delight ourselves in the Lord that is when we get the desires of our hearts. Often times I pray "I want this and I want that" and when I don't get I give up and usually pout and complain. That is not where prayer should stop. 

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I have written about this in other posts that this summer that I heard the phrase "God always has the best for me in mind" and this has really changed my thinking. I know God has the best for me, but what is my best? It is His best. This means I won't always get my way and I won't always get what I want but at the end of the day His best will come through (if I follow Him) and it will be better than I ever could imagine. My best is not wealth, success, or a comfortable life; it is His will being done through me. 

Right now, I still have about a year and half till I finish school and then I don't know what is going to happen after I graduate. So I am not going to wait until the last minute to pray to God for His decision I am beginning to pray right now. I have told God countless times what I want, so I don't need to lay that out any more because he knows. What I am asking Him now that if my desires don't match His desires that He changes my heart. Then I ask if my desires do match His desires that He gives me patience to wait in Him. Then I realized it is not just about being patient, I want God to use this time to prepare my heart and mind for what is next. I know God is using this time that I am single and in school to prepare me for what is next in my life... whatever that may be.

Delight yourself in the Lord  I think really means putting what He wants for/from me as my first goal. I am still learning what that means. The more I put His desires first the more my heart will change; then my desires will completely line up with His desires; and that is when I will get the desires of my heart. This is a process and will always be a process because we are more inclined to seek after what we want instead of submitting to God for what he wants.

I know this post might seem like a lot of rambling, and it is a bit, mostly because I am still figuring out what all this means. But there are two things I want to express in this post that I am learning: first God has provided everything I need for this moment, if He hasn't given it to me then I don't need it; second it is not about what I want it is about what He want for/from me.

I read this today in my quiet time, I had highlighted it years ago but I loved how true it was for all what I am praying about...

 I’ll make them of one mind and heart, always honoring me, so that they can live good and whole lives, they and their children after them. What’s more, I’ll make a covenant with them that will last forever, a covenant to stick with them no matter what, and work for their good. I’ll fill their hearts with a deep respect for me so they’ll not even think of turning away from me.“‘Oh how I’ll rejoice in them! Oh how I’ll delight in doing good things for them! Heart and soul, I’ll plant them in this country and keep them here!’- Jeremiah 32: 39-41 (The Message)

A little bit of my past

Hello lovely readers,

In my last post I talked about how I was going to talk more about my faith on this blog. I know I have already talked about my faith a little but I wanted to go back a bit in my story. I have not always  followed the Lord in my life but have had Christians always in my life and I have catch myself thinking about them "you must have it all together to be a Christian." I would say my dad and both my sisters are these super Christians in my life and I looked up to them as if they were perfect... well they aren't and neither am I.

I wanted to lay out a bit of my life story so no reader can accuse me of being "perfect" and "having it all together" when I don't. In this blog I am simply sharing my life and my faith is a HUGE part of that. So before you think I am standing on a soap box or hitting you over the head with a Bible, I wanted to share a pice of my story so hopefully you won't think I am doing those actions.


From my Baptism... May 20th 2007

When I was 5ish my parents got divorced. I know it is common for kids to think that "it is their fault", I never thought that. Looking back on it, I don't really remember a time they were together so it seems like a "natural" thing. Though I didn't think it was my fault through the divorce I got it into my head that I had to please everyone. I somehow thought that there was this bar of "perfection" that I could never measure up to. When I thought I was close to that bar, I would  discover that there was something else I had to do to make people happy. And if people weren't happy with me they wouldn't love me. This an aspect of my life I have lived with for nearly 21 years, while it is waining in strength, sometimes when I am low I still feel this bar above me. So for me it was very "natural" to think there were always conditions or hoops to jump through to earn love.

 

Skip ahead to my Junior year of High School. It was not a good time for me. I know I was stressed about my grades (I wasn't a stellar student) and I knew my grades that year were not good enough to get into a good college. I just remembering feeling as if I had failed. I know college wasn't the only thing that brought stress on me, I just like I had failed (I can't fully put it into words). For so long I had felt as if I was treading water keeping my head above float and all of the sudden I got tired of treading so I stopped and it felt as if I had drowned. Drowned to the bottom of the ocean and for awhile I walked around feeling no need to get up. I also felt no one around me could see how much pain I was in and I couldn't express because if I did they would know I had failed and then no one would love me.

 

Over this time I was taking over the counter sleeping medicine because I could never sleep at night. One night, I remember, I was emptying the dish washer and I thought about taking 5 or 6 pills that night and not waking up the next day. In reality I wanted my mom to come in try to wake me and when she realized I couldn't, she would rush me to the hospital, have my stomach pumped and then be fine. Also people would realize how much pain I was carrying around. Yeah not super logical but it is hard to be logical when you are sad. It is also hard to be logical when you are living inside your own head and not grasping on to reality.

 

I started going to therapy my senior year. I talked a lot about my emotions and how sick I felt but I still carried around shame and guilt over what I had thought and what I had almost done. I still sometimes think back at that time and think, if people knew that about me they wouldn't love me. I mean how can some one love somebody who thought about ending their life. Yeah also not super logical. That is probably the biggest bruise I carry around me and I still ask God to heal my heart from that.  

Boston in the fall..
the first time I came to Boston was in the fall
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During my Junior year I would stare out my classroom window and look out over the San Fransisco Bay and dream of running away. I thought I would just leave school take BART to Oakland get on a Amtrak train and see where life would lead. Well I found a nice legitimate way to run away, college. I had a large book that listed every college in the US and I looked into all of them on the East Coast from Boston to Virginia. But on my first trip to Boston I felt at home and I never wanted to leave. 

Over the summer, between Senior year and college, I went back to visit my dad and per usual went to High School church camp. I always went to camp mostly because all my friends went and this year was no different. But something happened to me at camp. I had 2 wonderful camp leaders who showed me how they weren't perfect and still were Christians. I began to ponder that thought. Then over the week I realized I had tried to do everything on my own and I had failed. I realized I couldn't do it on my own anymore. So after camp I asked my dad to help me find a church in Boston, I remember he was driving on the high way but I am not sure why. I am sure if he had not been driving he would have had a heart attack over this question.

 

I found Park Street Church and through that found one of my best friends. She didn't let me hide behind my wall of shame, she got right to the heart of my life. She also didn't allow me to be a wall flower and she "dragged" to different bible studies where I got to meet a lot of people. While I had this great friends sometimes I felt completely alone as a Christian so I clung to my Bible and read all of Psalm that first semester. Through my friend I found Reunion Christian Church, my home church, and have found a great community there.

 

People might ask me "how do I know God exist?" I will answer "because He saved me." I know that is a classic Sunday school answer but I know it to be true. I was in the pit and I wanted to end it all because everything I had done had made me fail. With God I have never felt like a failure, though I continue to stumble. I make mistakes, I will make mistakes. I continue to walk around with scars on my heart for all the things that have happened in my life but God knows those scars, He know the dark spots inside me, and yet he created me and He loves me with no condition and no hoops to jump through. That is what I cling to because sometimes it is the only thing that makes sense.

 

As I have finished this up I realize the title is a little miss-leading as it is actually a long post. So as a treat... here is one song I have really loved for a long time and still gives me goose bumps.

 

"How he loves" by David Crowder.