Monday, May 11, 2015

Questions while being stuck

Hello Lovely Readers,

I have been excited to post as much as I have done lately, though I feel they have been kind of frivolous. I am all for frivolity but I need to get something off my chest.

I have been feeling rather distant from God lately, actually I can't remember when I felt close to Him.

I am a weird mix of feeling and wanting formulas. I base a lot of my life how I feel about things and how I want people to feel about me. But when it comes to my faith I would love a formula, like if I did A and B then I get C. And that is not how God works. I also pray frequently "God I just want follow you more, but I am not sure what that looks like." In that I am saying I wish I had a model a list of "to dos" to follow. But that is not what faith is about.

Right now I feel stuck, in wanting to move but not knowing the next step.

I just finished The Chance by Karen Kingsbury, it is a cute story of best friends Nolan and Ellie who on the night before Ellie moves to San Diego they write letters to each other to read 11 years in the future. Over time Nolan gets exactly what he has wanted playing for NBA, but yet he is still full of pain with losing his best friend and his father (shortly after Ellie moves away). At the same time Ellie has stopped believing in God and questions rather He exist and if He does why did He let bad thing happen to her.

I read it because it fulfills my requirement of "reading a book you own but hadn't read." And while reading it I thought it was a cute story with a good message of forgiveness, hope and second chances. It was a quick read which I liked, but nothing really hit me. Until the end.

Through out the book various characters hear God telling them something. I know it is fiction, however I began to wonder does God really speak. If He does, He doesn't speak to me.

I have friends who speak to me and I feel it is God's truth. The best example I can give is I was questioning somethings in my life and I had prayed about them but I hadn't told anyone about my thinking. And then my friend just brought it up in random conversation. I thought that had to be God, there was no other way to explain it. But that hasn't happened in awhile. So I began to blame myself because I know I haven't really been opening myself to God.

I have used my faith like a checklist. I did my bible time, but then I would get out of bed and it was almost as if nothing changed. I feel my heart with mindless things and I sought completeness or an identity in temporal ideas. This is a pattern I have gotten used to. But when I read The Chance I wanted to hear God.

I am not sure how to listen. I am not sure if I want to hear God, just for some reassurance that I am doing okay, or if I want to hear from Him because I want to know what He wants from me. I would love a formula from Him to tell me what do with my life.

Probably not to live life?

After reading The Chance, I thought I should read some more Christian Lit (maybe if I read enough books I will understand what to do). Also reading Searching For God Know What by Donald Miller fulfills the requirement of "reading a book you began but never finished." But this book has hit me more than I thought. I am 4 chapters in and I have underlined so much. I even begun to write some prayers in it. I also know I will be re-reading it because I know my reading on the T I can't get as deep as I like. So far the book talks a lot about how we seek formulas from God, we want the Bible to be a self help book, and how this is not what God intended. God wanted us to be in a relationship with Him, to know Him personally, and to know who we are in Him. To be honest I have been a Christian since I was twelve though probably not following it until after high school (long story). Anyway, I am still not sure what what knowing God personally means. I am hoping Miller will lay it out... but I doubt he will because writes:

I bring this up because life is complex, and the idea that you can break it down or fix it in a dew steps is rather silly. -pg.14

And if he laid out what it meant to know God personally he would be writing a formula. So I am sure I will finish this book with more questions than answers.

I am not looking for to-do list or formulas but if you have any advice and or Bible passages that have helped you please pass them a long.


P.S.- I am going to be taking a little break from blogging as I am going on vacation with my mom... will post pictures later.
My mom in Florence (almost 9 years ago).

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